[25]
- EDEN -
-
FEAR IS SCARY.
Your breathing gets faster and faster and faster till you think your lungs will burst. Your heart thumps and booms in your chest as you feel around for something to anchor you to reality. Blood shoots up and down your veins making your head blink in and out of consciousness. And all you can see as your body starts to shut down is stars.
Stars... Beautiful, distant stars.
A tear slipped down my cheek as I found it hard to open my eyes. I found it hard to blink my eyes open, stand up, and continue to say that everything was okay. I was okay. I really was okay.
I took in a lungful of air as the booming in my head started to dull down to a small, but irritating tapping. The feeling in my limbs started to come back as I felt my fingers twitch awake. Breathing was still hard. It was like I was breathing but at its lowest capacity. If I continued like this, I'd pass out again.
Breathe, I told myself.
As my lungs started to expand with air, I let out a gasp. I sat up and let out a wince as my lungs felt close to exploding and the booming in my head returned.
"Oh, my God!" I heard Leah cry from next to me as the ability to hear and see returned to me. I looked around and noticed that alongside Julia stood Atlas. Julia seemed to be on the verge of tears like Leah and Atlas's eyes were trained on me. When my eyes met his, he let out a breath and I took one in.
Leah pulled me into a hug and cried into my shoulder, "What the fuck, Eden?"
"I'm sorry," I shuddered as a wave of pain washed through my head.
"What happened?" Asked Julia who walked towards us and crouched next to me, placing her comforting hand on my back.
Was it even real? Did that actually happen? Did he fucking text me or was I imagining it? Was Ethan really...
I blinked myself out of my thoughts and glanced at my phone that was lying face-up on the ground. I grabbed it and opened it.
Sure enough, along with a hundred other texts of his, the newest one was true. He did text me and he knew where Ethan was. A small tear trickled down my cheek.
"He's lying," I cried as Leah hugged me tighter.
"Baby, who's lying?" Leah asked, rubbing my back up and down. "What happened?"
I pulled back from her and wiped my tears away. He was lying. He's just using Ethan as a way to get me back. He was using him and lying about him to get me to let my guard down. I wouldn't... Not again.
Ethan was dead, I had learned to convince myself. He left and wasn't coming back.
"I'm sorry. I got scared and then I couldn't breathe..." I started, but Julia brushed my hair back from my face, holding my face in her hand afterward.
"Don't be sorry, okay?" She asked, smiling at me, sweetly. "You're fine."
I nodded and Leah let out a breathy laugh, "You look tired. Want to go home?"
I nodded, unable to make eye contact with any of them. Whenever things were going well, my stupid inability to let go showed up. My inability to steel over my emotions kept getting in the way. Can't you just be okay... just until you're behind closed doors?
Where Atlas stood watching all of this unfold, he took in a breath and walked towards us. He offered me his hand, "I brought the car. I'll drive you home."
I looked up at him and felt the effects of that one text message, weigh down my shoulders. Leah cut in, "Don't let her overexert herself. We'll be right over once we clean up."
I nodded. I love them so much it hurt.
I lifted my hand and took Atlas's hand, attempting to lift myself up. Once I was standing on my own two feet, I ran my hand through my hair and took a breath. As I exhaled, a sharp stab of pain ran through my head. I winced.
Atlas looked at me and with a look of finality on his face, he moved around me and lifted me up. I let out a wince as the pain in my head multiplied. I gripped his shoulders in fear of falling and landing on the sand.
Atlas's hand that rested under my back, rubbed up and down causing me to start breathing normally again.
"Relax," He whispered, "You're okay."
I nodded, gulping quietly as he started to walk towards where I assumed the car was parked. With a sigh, I rested my head on his shoulder and looked up as he continued walking. Every angle and I swear to God, he just kept getting more and more perfect.
As I tried to distract myself with anything and everything, that shake in my heart started to come back. The fear, the anxiety, the hopelessness that I felt almost a year and a half ago was coming back. I was going to spiral back into the mess I was all those months ago.
As Atlas stepped onto the sidewalk, I noticed the car parked a few feet away. I placed my hand on Atlas's chest, asking him to stop. He looked down in question, "I can walk the rest of the way."
He shook his head, smiling softly, "It's okay, Eden. I got you."
Redness flooded my cheeks and I looked away as he walked the few steps to the car. He rounded around the back of the car and reached down, pulling open the door. He set me down on the leather seat and I let out a sigh as I curled into it. Once Atlas closed the door and walked around and slipped into the car, I laid my head down on the armrest in the middle.
I swallowed back the urge to cry as Atlas pulled the car into drive. With each second of the drive, a memory of Keldan and I would resurface. My upper lip curled in pain and anger and I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears. The lump in my throat felt heavy and thick as I tried to think about something else.
Before long, the torturous drive was over. We arrived in front of the house and before Atlas parked, my hand was already on the door's handle. I wanted to hide in my room and curl up on the floor as my brain spilled out faster than my tears could.
When Atlas parked the car, I pulled open the door and stepped out. Stars clouded my vision and I blinked them away. I looked to my left as Atlas walked up next to me. He waited for me to say something, but I wish I had something to say. Something that'd explain what was going on with me and my fucked up head.
I pressed my fist to my head and took a breath. Atlas placed his hand on the small of my back, making every nerve that laid dormant under my skin come alive. I took in a breath as my hand dropped from my head.
"You're okay," He said, reassuring me of something I wasn't so sure of. I nodded and with that, we walked to the front door. He opened the grand, wooden door for me and let me in. He walked through and closed the door behind him.
The smell of food met my senses and the need to throw up washed over me. Any other day, I would've melted at the heavenly smell, but now...
Now, I could throw up and throw up and melt into a small puddle after. I felt like trash.
Fuck you, Keldan, I thought bitterly.
My demeanor fell as I realized that as soon as I was alone, I'd probably call him, falling right back into his hands.
Atlas spoke, startling me as I thought I was the only one in the dark hallway, "Are you okay?"
"Let's agree to never ask each other that question again, okay?" I asked.
He nodded and stepped closer. It was barely a step, but he was definitely closer than he was before. I looked up at him as he asked his next question, "Do you want to talk about it?"
His eyes shone in the dark hallway as the moon's light filtered in through the window. Slowly, my fingers reached to touch his soft skin. As my fingers hovered barely an inch from his face, he held my hand in his, stopping us in mid-air.
"You..." I started to say, but stopped myself, shaking my head.
"Promise me that you'll leave me alone tonight," I said. His eyebrows furrowed slightly, but he didn't look surprised by my request. I couldn't have him around me as I spiraled into my dark hole.
He shook his head, "You can't—"
"Promise," I said, stepping back from him and letting my hand fall from his. His hand fell to his side.
"Eden—" He started and I shook my head.
After a moment, he let out a small sigh and nodded, "Okay,"
I nodded and turned around, wiping away a fallen tear. My brain and heart were ripping themselves to shreds inside of me. I was in so much pain, I couldn't see or think straight. Atlas being there would've been such a relief, but I don't deserve that... He doesn't need to see me like that either.
I stepped up the stairs, one at a time, and let out a sigh as I stood in front of my door. Today was a good day up until... him.
Anger flooded through me as I slipped into my room. I shut the door behind me and as I locked the door, tears started to fall down my cheeks. I slid down my door and curled into a ball at the foot of the door. Hiccup after hiccup, tears, and sobs escaped me, leaving me drained and broken.
The light from the moon filtered in through my window and I sighed as I fell onto my side, my face burying into the carpet, my tears soaked by the cotton. As another wave of tears washed over me, I pressed my hands to my lips to silence the sobs. You're okay. You're okay.
I tightened my hand around my phone anchoring myself to something. Anything but this feeling.
I didn't care about Keldan. I didn't. I just wanted Ethan back. I wanted him back. He was my best friend, my brother, my love. He kept me together. He made me feel like I was worth something. He made me feel like I was an actual person and I hated that he was gone. This was worse than what Keldan did to me— this was worse than how he left me.
A jolt ran down my back as a wave of tears washed over me. My insides were curling into themselves, my brain was boiling, my eyes were wet. I shivered as a sob ripped through my body.
I wanted him back, I cried harder than I did before. A wave of nausea washed over me and I swallowed back the bile making its way up my throat. Acid burned the sides of my throat and I winced in pain. I wiped away my tears and stared up at my open window.
With the strength I had left, I got onto my hands and knees and crawled over to the window. The sill was wide enough for me to climb up and sit on. So, I did.
As I stared out onto the dark beach and the low, white moon, I cried. I curled into myself and sobbed into my knees. It hurt, I found myself thinking.
Keldan broke me. He did and there was no doubt about it. But what hurt more was Ethan leaving. I broke his trust by liking Keldan and I didn't think it mattered as much. But Ethan was always right and I had a hard time accepting that. And with the trust I broke, he broke too. He broke and left me to pick up the broken glass and attempt to piece them back together. I didn't have glue and I didn't have a blueprint. Without him, I was lost. For him, I'd bleed myself dry.
I just wanted him to know.
I turned my phone around and unlocked it. As I opened the phone app, I stared at Keldan's missed call. He left one every day and I never answered.
But maybe,
maybe,
today would be the day I'd call him back.
As my finger hovered over his name, hesitantly, a knock at my door startled me. I closed my phone ad threw it on my bed, quickly wiping my tears after.
- ATLAS -
Every time she was in pain, I found myself doing something I'd never do with someone else. She was...
She was something.
After she made her way upstairs, I distracted myself by having dinner with Jude and Dawson. They prepared a meal and it tasted really good. I was sure Jude was the one who prepared it. Dawson couldn't cook and if he ever did, the house would be up in flames in five minutes flat.
Jude and Dawson attempted to lighten the mood by talking animatedly and laughing a lot. It helped every few seconds, but every time, I remember that she's up there crying her heart out.
When Julia and Leah arrived, they asked about Eden. I told them that she went upstairs to rest and they nodded, agreeing that they'd check on her before bed. They sat down and for their own sakes, distracted themselves with food and conversation.
Unable to sit there and talk, I stood up. "Thanks for the food, Jude. It was amazing."
As Jude thanked me, Dawson gasped, "Hey, I cut the onions, y'know? That shit's painful!"
The group laughed and I took that as my chance to leave. With a small sigh, I placed my plate in the sink and made my way into the dark hallway. As I ascended the stairs, I thought about what I was doing. I had time to go back downstairs and act like I wasn't making my way to her room.
I shook my head, whispering to myself, "You're just checking on her, making sure she's okay."
As I reached the landing, I noticed that the lights in her room were off. The only light seemed to be coming from the moon streaming in through her window. With a deep breath, I walked up to her door and lifted my fist to knock. I stopped as I heard muffled crying coming from inside.
As those small sniffles and sobs sounded from her, I found my fists tightening in anger as my heart shattered in my chest. I didn't not care about her, but any person in this state was concerning. Sure, she asked for some space, but I wasn't going to give her that.
I took a breath and raised my fist knocking and letting her know that I was here.
Shuffling was heard from the other side of the door and her crying suddenly stopped. I took in a breath as I turned the doorknob.
"Go away," She croaked.
As I stared at her, sitting on the windowsill, the white moonlight enveloping her in an invisible shroud, I felt my face soften. She reminded me so much of me when I was 14. When her eyes met mine, she sighed and looked away.
I walked in and closed the door behind me. I watched as Eden laid her head down on her knees, staring out of her window. She was still in her dress and I looked around her room. I found her suitcase open on the floor and grabbed two pieces of clothing that looked comfortable. I walked up to her and hesitantly stood there.
"Are you okay?" I asked, instantly remembering the promise we made about that question. She looked up at me and frowned.
"What'd we say about that question?" She asked, her lip visibly trembling.
I nodded and watched as her hair fell in front of her face. She tucked her hair behind her ear and wiped her face with her hand.
"Do you want to get changed?" I asked her, offering her my hand.
She looked at my hand and looked up at me. After a moment, she took my hand and stepped off the sill. I handed her the clothes I had picked out and she glanced at it, frowning softly.
She muttered a small thanks and headed to the bathroom. When the door clicked shut, I took a seat on her bed and waited. After a few seconds, I heard a buzzing behind me and turned around.
Sure enough, her phone's screen was lit up with a name shining at the top.
Keldan.
It rang and rang and the whole time, entranced, I watched it ring. When it stopped, I turned around and tried to think about who the fuck Keldan was. I've never heard of him before.
As I tried to make a connection, Eden finally stepped out of the bathroom. She placed her dress on the back of a chair and when she met my eyes, she looked away. On her cheeks were fresh tear stains.
I watched her walk to the bed and stare at it before deciding to sit on the floor, her back against the bed. She faced the window, staring at the moon as it stared back at her.
I slid down to the seat next to her.
She looked up at me, but then looked away. After a second, she placed her head down on my shoulder. I blinked as a wave of heat reached up to my neck.
Hesitantly, I lifted my arm and placed it behind her, her head laying almost perfectly in the crook of my shoulder. She smelt like vanilla and... saltwater.
"You want to talk about it?" I asked, "And it's fine if you don't. We can just sit here."
She tucked her hair behind her ear again, "I'm so tired of living— existing."
I brushed her hair back as she tucked her legs in, "I'm tired of having to get up, interact with others, smile, cry, laugh, love, and go to sleep. Just to do it all the next day."
I nodded and she continued, "I'm hopeless when it comes to love. I'm so bad at it. With Mom and Dad, I try to, I do, but I always end up disappointing them with something."
A tear fell onto her lap and I felt my heart twist in agony. She continued.
"With Lydia, sometimes I feel like she doesn't love me at all and I know I'm responsible for that. There was a year where I didn't talk to her at all and she kind of started doing her own thing.
"With Leah and Julia, they do so much for me— so much— and I just take and take without giving them anything. All I can do is tell them that I love them and hope that they don't leave.
"And with Ethan," She couldn't finish the thought, a sob ripped through her and she dropped her head onto her knees.
"Hey, it's okay," I said, lifting her head to look at me. Her brown eyes that were usually laughing and soaking in the world, were different. Shattered and clinging onto what was left of hope.
I braced myself and pulled her to me. For a split second, she didn't move, her face buried into my chest, her arms limp around me as she cried. But then, she let out a small whimper as she wrapped her arms around me and cried into my chest. I pulled her closer, sitting her down on my lap as she cried and cried and I listened and listened.
I placed my hand on her back, moving my hand up and down in a comforting manner. As her tears soaked my shirt and her cries started to lessen, she spoke.
"I—" She started to say, but was cut off by the buzzing coming from her phone on the bed.
She moved to get it, but I stopped her, holding her chin in my hand as she stared at me, "Leave it." I said, "Trust me,"
She looked back at the phone but laid her head back down on my chest. As she breathed, her body rising and falling softly, she spoke again, "I hate men."
A small laugh left my lips at that and she giggled softly, quieting down afterward. She spoke, her voice a small whisper, "I'm serious."
"They lie and cheat and lie again and fill your head with these hopes and expectations that are not true in the slightest. And I hate myself for believing them."
I took in a breath, "You say them like I'm not one."
She looked up at me, her cheeks red, "Y—You are one. You just haven't lied to me yet."
Her innocence left me gasping for air and I had to look away from her. As the feeling passed, guilt and shame consumed me. I have lied to her more times than I could count. I'm a liar, she would later learn.
"Yeah," I lied again, meeting her eyes once more.
A tear slipped down her cheek and I wiped it away. "Tell me something,"
I looked at her, a confused frown on my lips, "Something?"
She nodded and I thought about something to tell her. After a few seconds, I finally remembered something about my childhood that I thought she'd enjoy.
"Every Thanksgiving weekend, my parents would take us to our grandparent's beach house in Florida. My grandparents were rich beyond words and that always made me feel intimidated by them."
Eden stared up at me, listening to every word that was coming from my lips. As she sat in my lap, her arms loose around me, and her eyes red and teary, I knew that she was going to make it hard for me to leave.
I continued.
"One day, my Grandpa called me into his study where he sat and talked to other rich people and told me that one day, I was going to be like him: Proud, tall, and happy.
"I didn't know what he meant but felt too stupid to ask him. He understood my hesitation and explained. He said that one day, I'll be something. It doesn't matter what I do, all that matters is that I was proud of it. And later in life, I'll meet someone and be happy. Live a life that I was willing to call him. No sickness, no fear."
Eden blinked up at me and I found myself brushing her hair back from her face again. The smell of vanilla. The smell of seawater.
"After that, I took what he said to heart and lived by those words every day. I'd be something and be proud of what I was. No matter what it was I did, no matter how big or small, I'd be proud."
I don't know why I decided to tell her that, but I did. That conversation, no matter how long ago it was, was important to me. I just thought she should know.
In front of me, Eden frowned, "My grandpa's dead."
"Do you remember him well?" I asked and she shrugged, placing her head back on my chest. I took in a breath at the feeling of her against me.
"Yeah, but he's not as cool as yours. He used to drink a lot and screamed at the TV when his favorite team was losing. But he had a never-ending stash of Taffy next to his bed and if we woke up early in the morning to tell him Hello before his walk, he'd let us have some. My favorite flavor was the Strawberry."
A small smile graced her lips at the memory and she continued, "I think your grandpa was right." She looked up at me and stared at me as her fingers lifted to touch the arch of my eyebrow. Her fingers trailed down to my cheekbone and to my jaw.
"You'll be happy and proud and I don't have a doubt about it." She said.
I smiled at her as a bitter thought settled into my brain. How wrong were she and Grandpa going to be?
"You feel better?" I asked after an incredibly quiet moment.
She shrugged, "You're a great distraction."
I met her eyes and found myself breathless, drowning in all of her. Drowning in her edges, drowning in her flaws. Drowning in her unruly hair, drowning in her chapped lips. Drowning in her touch, drowning in her laugh.
I let myself sink to the bottom.
She let out a small sigh as she placed her head back on my chest. God, she had no idea how that made me feel. She stared down at my hand that laid down partially on my thigh and partially on hers. She picked it up and placed it fully on her thigh, staring and touching each ring.
"You wear a lot of rings." She said and I nodded.
"So do you." I breathed and she looked up at me briefly, smiling softly.
"Yeah, but only sometimes. You do all the time." She related, "Why?"
I laughed, softly, "What do you mean why?"
She looked up, "Do you wear them because girls know it's hot?"
My cheeks flamed red and she laughed. "I didn't know girls thought rings were hot."
Her eyebrows rose, "Really?"
I nodded and she smiled, laying her head back on my chest. She circled her thumb over the ring on my middle finger. It was thick and silver and had a black snake running around the circumference of the ring. Its eyes were red.
"Do you think it's hot?" I asked.
She didn't look up at me but cleared her throat. Her voice lowered considerably in volume, "Yeah."
I smiled and nodded to myself. We stayed like that for a while. Her head pressed to my chest, my arms around her as she sat on my lap. Her fingers brushing over each ring, my hand on her lap.
She yawned and shifted her head on my chest, getting comfortable. "I can hear your heartbeat."
"Really?" I asked to which she nodded softly.
"It's nice and calming." She breathed and I found myself smiling at those words.
"You can listen to my heartbeat if you want." She offered and I smiled down at her. Her hand wasn't playing with the rings on my fingers anymore. With a small sigh, I took her hand in mine, her fingers fitting perfectly between the spaces in my fingers.
"Maybe later," I said to which she nodded.
It was quiet once more as the sound of waves crashing against the shore attempted to fill the silence. But there was no need, this silence was different... We were comfortable in it. We let our presences reassure the other.
We'd be okay.
"Do you listen to Mitski?" Eden asked as a yawn escaped her again.
I shook my head, "No,"
She looked up, slightly alarmed, "Really? How come?"
I shrugged, "Never heard of her."
She nodded as she placed her head back on my chest, "Don't you dare listen to her now. I want to be the one to show you."
I laughed, "Yes, Ma'am."
She nodded, her head falling slightly as she dozed off. I held her head to me, brushing my fingers through her hair as she started to fall asleep.
"Thank you, Atlas." She murmured into my chest and I let out a breath.
This was so different. So, uncomfortable, yet... something I doubt I'd be able to live without now that I know what it's like. Everything about her made me realize that there were some beautiful things about life. She made me notice the small, but meaningful things. Her sighs, her laughs. Our conversations, our fights. Her questions, her way of thinking.
I wanted it all.
With one last sigh, I held her in my arms and stood up, turning around and placing her on her bed. I picked up her phone and put it on her nightstand. After, I pulled the covers from under her and draped them over her sleeping body. I watched as she pulled the covers closer to her, curling into it. She let out a shuddered breath.
With one last look, I turned to walk away but was stopped by her last request. "Stay," She sighed, sleepily.
I turned around and met her eyes that were slowly closing. I wanted to stay so bad. I wanted to be able to close my eyes and dream, but if I did, that means she didn't. And right now, she needed sleep more than I did.
She didn't need the nightmares tonight. I'd live if I didn't sleep another night.
I walked over to her and sat on the edge of the bed. I brushed her hair back and her eyes started to close with every stroke.
"Okay," I lied again. This time, it was for her.
Her breathing finally evened, small puffs of air leaving her lips with each exhale. I brushed my thumb over her lips and with one last look, I got up and made my way out of her room. I closed the door as softly as I could and let out a sigh.
I was falling.
I was drowning.
I was suspended.
I was consumed by her.
-
I hope you guys liked this chapter. I hope you picked up a few things about Keldan and Ethan in this chapter. It wasn't much, but it was something. and, I'm completely in love with Atlas. In the next chapter, they're traveling again!! Also, halfway through writing this, I accidentally deleted the whole chapter and legit cried. That shit was painful.
ALSO thank you guys so much for 20K. YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING AMAZING. Love you all so damn much, it's crazy. Thank you and I wish you the absolute best. mwah mwah <333
VOTE. COMMENT. SHARE.