Chapter Twenty-Seven: Reality Check
January 18
Jennifer
The days that lead up to my mother's funeral were a blur. The only words that described my feelings were anger. I was angry that she took the cowardly way out. I was angry that she didn't serve time for the hurt she caused me. I was angry because I no longer had her here. I was just enraged by the whole situation. I pretty much isolated myself from the outside world. I barely said anything to Christon if I had to. I think the only person who has really heard from me was God.
My only question was "why?" I just wanted a justified answer for everything I have ever faced. I prayed that he revealed the meaning to all of this. I felt that if something else bad happened my dad and Chris would just have to get me mentally evaluated. I was sure to lose it. The door opened to the guest room and I was face to face with the one person I had been avoiding.
"Jenn, you doing what I told you not to" he stated
I felt myself roll my eyes.
"I'm not doing anything- but minding my business Chris" I replied, starting to grow annoyed by his presence.
I watched him inhale and then exhale.
"Cut that fucking attitude Jennifer. I know I told you to make peace, but your ass been in this funk since then. I mean that literally and figuratively speaking.
I sucked my teeth and gave him the finger
"I don't see why I can't grieve the way I wanted to. After all, I lost my mother and child...not the other way around.
I knew I fucked up and couldn't take the shit back now. I watched the hurt flash over his face. He went towards the door but then he closed it.
Christon
"You are not the only person in the world whose parent passed away. Newsflash, I also have a deceased father. Yeah, the shit hurt like hell when my dad died. I went around thinking the world owed me something because of it. Guess what, people die every damn day Jennifer. I could walk out this door and catch a fucking bullet just because of my occupation. Yet, I learned to get over it. No one owes me anything for my parent dying. God needed him more than we did. I let go and I let God take over that pain I was dealing with. It didn't get better overnight, next week, or even next month. However, once I stop letting losing my father control me I was able to smile a little more. I fucking lived Jennifer. One thing that my dad used to do was give my mom flowers at any chance he could think of. My brothers and I all started to do the same thing because it made us feel closer to him. It was a ritual that we chose to continue. Although he is no longer here, his memory lives on that way. Do something that will help you to remember your mom. Find another way to channel your pain.
Furthermore, you weren't the only person who had a child die. We created our daughter together! We both experienced the same pain. I may have handled the situation differently- but I still hurt over losing something so precious. I fucking designed the nursery, or did you forget. I don't owe you anything, and neither does anyone else. I love the hell out of you Jennifer. I would marry you today if I knew you were ready- but this.... I pointed around her has to stop, and it stops tofuckingday. I left you alone about attending your mom's funeral since you went to the wake but I refuse to let you lose sight of reality. If I didn't love you I would say fuck it....lose sight of everything- but I ain't no childish ass boy. With that said take a fucking shower, check your emails, your dinner in the microwave, and I'm downstairs in the office." I semi-yelled while staring back at her.
She motioned to say something but I shook my head. I was in Jenn's same position but the harshness was what my mom had to deliver my way for me to realize that life can deal you a fucked up hand. However, you just reshuffle, adjust some shit, and keep it moving. You will never forget, but you cannot allow things to takeover you and just let it eat at you.
I rummaged through my drawer looking for a blunt that I had previously rolled. I needed to smoke to get my mind off today's events. I lit it and took a short pull. Just as I was releasing the smoke there was a knock on the office door. I ignored it for a few.
Jennifer
After Chris left I broke down. I had been closing myself off from him for that reason alone. I didn't want to hear the truth. I'm grateful that he hadn't said fuck this relationship. I took a much needed shower. I felt like I had five months' worth of dirt lingering on my skin instead of just a week or two. I threw on a pair of boy shorts and one of Christon shirts. Once I made it downstairs I went straight to the kitchen.
I hadn't really eaten since locking myself in the room. Not that Chris wasn't cooking. I was just being stubborn. Before I ate I needed to at least let Chris know I understood where he was coming from. I made my way towards his office and knocked. I stood quietly for a few and knocked again.
"Chris I know you hear me because I smell the loud" I stated, while tapping my foot.
I heard a small shuffle and the door opened revealing low-red eyes.
"I ain't down for the arguing....blowing my high and shit" he grumbled, taking another pull of the blunt.
"I came to apologize Chris. I come in peace!" I stated, while holding up the Star Trek symbol.
He chuckled and licked over his lips while pulling the door a little wider.
"Can I come in Christon?" I questioned, while poking my lip out a little
He chuckled again and moved out the way. I was starting to think that I was picking the wrong time to have this conversation with him. He strolled back over to his chair and sat down.
"Come put that shit in daddy's lap" he stated while sipping something from the red solo cup
Attempting anything of a civil nature with this man was out the window. I made my way towards him and he gently pulled me down in his lap.
"I recall you saying that you were here to apologize- and throw in a lil sum'n sum'n" he stated, while kissing my neck.
"No sir, just an apology" I replied, while pushing his face away from my neck
I sighed feeling his lips on my neck again
"Christon, I'm trying to talk. Will you stop?" I pleaded trying to stifle a moan.
"Alright, I quit" he stated while giving me his undivided attention
"I realize I was wrong in some parts, but it's hard losing a child that you really wanted. Although, my mom treated me like shit ...I still loved her, and cared for her. I just feel like I keep getting hit with bad situations over and over again. I'm not sure how much more I can take Chris. However, I love you baby- and that gave me a reality check that I didn't realize I needed. You also have to remember that people go through their grieving processes differently. Just when I was starting to accept losing my child then my mother commits suicide. It's kind of hard not to succumb to the darkness. I do apologize for making you worry, and not being considerate of your feelings" I stated while shifting my position so I could look up into his face.
His jaw clenched then unclenched, so I knew he was thinking about what he was going to say.
"I know everyone doesn't grieve the same way. I can respect that- but I won't respect losing you, our relationship, or you trying to check out on life Blue. I know you are still grieving, but I do not want you to grieve to the point that you literally forget what is most important. I accept your apology- but what's up with that poussey? he questioned with a chuckle.
"Nigga I said apologize....not I'm bussin' the poussey wide open." I replied, while rolling my eyes and standing up.
"See....you checking out on your womanly duties" he chuckled.
"You might want to check out some Jergens baby boy. I heard if you heat the lotion a little it still feels like the real deal." I replied, while walking away.
"You so wrong baby, but I love your ass." he replied.
"I love you too baby" I responded, while closing the door.
Psalm 23:4 "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."
John 14:27-29 - Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Hey babies,
Finally an update. I know it seems like it has been forever (it has). This chapter was hard to write, and I almost didn't share it with you guys- but everything Blue went through...I went through when my brother passed away. Also, I forgot to share that the guy I use for Scar his sister passed away like two months ago, I believe. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Excuse my mistakes! -C.Pacino