Thirty-four.
Sometimes, it's so hard to express what you feel. There are no exact words to describe your thoughts. Ang hirap ilabas at ang hirap bigkasin dahil walang kahit na anong salita ang puwedeng magpagaan ng iyong nararamdaman. Minsan, hindi lang mga salita ang kailangan natin sa buhay. We need hugs and presence of someone, too— someone that would tell us that we're not alone in this battle.
Humalumbaba ako sa aking kinauupuan habang pinaglalaruan ang baso sa aking harap. I could see the reflection of Kazuo through the glass. Nakahalukipkip ito at tahimik lamang na pinapanood ang aking ginagawa.
"What's the problem?" He started talking.
I sighed and drank the wine that he poured for me. Mariin kong napikit ang aking mga mata nang maramdaman ko ang mainit na likido sa aking lalamunan. I open my eyes and look directly into his eyes. Napayuko ako nang maramdaman ko ang umaambang mga luha sa gilid ng aking mga mata.
"I saw him..." I answered quietly.
"Him? Who? May lalaki ka na? Bakit hindi mo sinabi sa akin?" His eyes widened. "Sabi mo wala kang gagawing ama ng mga bata!"
"Tangina..." I utter a curse and gritted my teeth. "Seryoso ako rito, Kazuo! H'wag mong sinisira ang araw ko!"
"I'm serious, too. Who the fuck is that man, Elvira?"
"Si Zavion, bobo. Si Zavion ang nakita ko."
"Awts, sakit," he said, pouting his lips.
I mimic his voice and made a face. Inirapan lamang ako nito at pinandilatan ng mata.
"Yuck, isip-bata pa rin kahit dalawa na 'yong anak niya," he teased me.
"Stop with that, Kazuo. Wala akong oras sa nga gan'yan mo," pagalit kong sinabi.
"Oo na, oo na!" He straightened up his back and folded his arms on his chest. He became serious in just a minute. Malumanay ang mga mata nitong nakatitig sa akin. "What is it, Elvira?"
I tilted my head on the side. Alam ko naman na ganito ang maaaring mangyayari kung sakaling magkatagpo kami ni Zavion. He's the only man who could make me weak. He's the only man who accepted my flaws, mistakes, and sins, so how can I move-on when I'm still in love with him?
"It was two in the morning, Elaine and I are having a conversation until a man entered the clinic. May dala-dala siyang lalaki. Hindi ko makita nang maayos 'yong mukha ng lalaki noong una dahil nakatalikod ito hanggang sa tuluyan ko nang nilapitan upang kilatisin..." I told him. "And do you know what I've just found out? It's Zavion! He's the fucking patient!"
"Nagkita na kayo ni Zavion?! Ano sinabi? Tinanong ba kung may asawa ka na? Gago, sabihin mo wala pa dahil hinihintay mo pa rin siya!"
"Kazuo!"
"Ito na nga po, e," he rolled his eyes and murmured something.
Matalim ko siyang tinitigan. For how many years of living with Kazuo, kung hindi niya pagagaanin ang aking loob, siya naman ang dahilan kung bakit sumasakit ang aking ulo. At first, I didn't know that Kazuo has this kind of side. He's the role model of my sons. They look him up and always want to be with their Tito. Lahat kasi ng kanilang gusto ay natutugunan ni Kazuo.
"Umuwi ako agad. Si Elaine ang pinaasikaso ko," I said seriously. "That was unexpected! Sa clinic ko pa talaga siya nakita!"
"Ginusto mo naman..." He commented.
"S'yempre..." I smirked.
Napailing na lamang ito at tinungga ang wine na sinalin ko para sa kan'ya. I want to drink to forget these emotions of mine. I never thought that I would see him again. Oo, noon, lagi akong humihiling na sana ay magkatagpo muli ang landas naming dalawa ngunit hindi ko naman inaasahan na ngayon 'yon mangyayari.
And as I was thinking about what happened earlier, I have to admit that I miss Zavion. I love him so much. Hindi 'yon magbabago. Siya lamang ang tumanggap sa akin. Siya ang laging nagpupunas ng aking mga luha noon... at siya ang yumakap ng aking kabuoan.
Si Zavion ang bumuo sa akin... at siya lamang ang may kakayanan na buoin ako muli.
"I don't know what to advise," he said. "It's your own feelings. Alam kong pinagkaitan mo ng pagmamahal ang iyong sarili dahil mas sinusunod mo na ang 'yong isip kaysa damdamin, datapwat hindi naman masamang piliin ang puso kung alam mo namang makabubuti ito sa 'yo, 'di ba?"
I took a deep breath. "That's not what I'm thinking. What if he's mad at me? Paano kung nandidiri na pala siya sa akin? Paano kung nagsisisi siyang minahal niya ako? Hindi ko kaya 'yon, Kazuo. Hindi ko kakayanin 'yon..." Humina ang aking boses.
"Diyan naman natin malalaman kung minahal ka talaga ng tao. If he did really love you, hindi 'yon magsisisi, at lalong hindi 'yon mandidiri. Maaari siyang magalit dahil may karapatan siya, ngunit kung mahal ka talaga niya, mas mananaig pa rin ang pagmamahal niya sa 'yo kaysa sa galit," he stated his opinion.
"Kanina pa ako umiinom. Nalalasing na ata ako," I chuckled. "Nami-miss ko na si Zavion, e."
"Iiyak ka na naman," malumanay nitong saad. "Sisisihin mo na naman ang sarili mo kung bakit siya nawala."
"When I saw him again, I do really want to touch his face and asked him if how is he? Is he doing good? I miss him. I miss him so bad..."
"Ate..." He averted his gaze.
"I'm just hurt because until now, I can't still accept the fact that this is my destiny. Hindi ko pa rin tanggap na hanggang tanaw na lang ako sa kan'ya. Masakit lang... dahil sana ay magkasama pa rin kami hanggang ngayon kung hindi lang nangyari sa akin 'yon." Bagsak ang aking mga balikat.
I've been asking myself lately. I know that I have my two sons, a stable business, and I've already reached my dream... but why do I feel like it isn't enough? I feel like there's still a missing piece. I still feel incomplete despite of having these achievements and wealth inside of my pockets.
Si Zavion ang bumuo sa akin... kaya nang mawala siya, nawala muli 'yong pirasong 'yon na tanging makakabuo lamang sa akin.
"No matter how hard the situation is, don't think that you're meant to suffer forever. Life isn't about that. Life is about believing that you are meant for something better. Work for it and make it happen," his lips flashed a small smile.
Noong gabing 'yon, hinayaan ko ang aking sariling yakapin ng mga ala-ala namin ng aking pinakamamahal. I was grieving. I never thought that I'd cry again because of sadness. Matagal na nang huling dumalaw ang lungkot sa aking dibdib at luha sa aking mga mata.
Ngayon, ang luha na walang tigil sa pagtulo sa aking pisngi at ang kalungkutang bumabalot sa aking dibdib dahil sa pangungulila ay magiliw kong sinalubong. Tinaggap ko ito nang buong-buo, kaya habang nakakatitig ako sa mga litrato namin ni Zavion na nakakalat sa aking kama, wala akong ibang maramdaman kundi ang pangungulila lamang.
Nagungulila ako sa kan'ya. Nangungulila ako sa kan'yang mga hawak. Nangungulila ako sa kan'yang kabuoan.
"He asked me if I'm the owner of the clinic. Of course, I told him that it isn't mine, that it is yours!" Elaine spoke in her loud voice. "He was taken aback when I mentioned your name!" She laughed. "Akala niya ba hindi ko nahalata 'yong pasimpleng tanong niya sa akin? Alam mo ba, nagkunwari pa siya na bakit daw wala rito 'yong owner, e dapat mina-manage mo raw 'yon. Ulol, ang sabihin niya, bakit wala si Elvira? Gusto ko siyang makita!" She burst out laughing.
I sipped on my coffee as I was examining the papers. Early in the morning, Elaine Fonsesca went to my house just to wake me up and tell me her teas. Tuwang-tuwa ang mukha nito habang ang kan'yang mga mata ay nang-aasar. Kanina pa ito nagkukuwento tungkol sa nangyari sa clinic. Alam ko naman kung ano ang gusto niyang ipahiwatig sa paraan pa lang ng tingin niya sa akin.
"Elaine, day-off ko ngayon. Please, time freeze muna."
"H'wag ka nang magkunwari..." Her face crumpled. "Nakakasura 'yang pagkukunwari ng mukha mo na hindi ka interesado." The corner of her lips rose up.
"I am really not interested, Elaine," I spoke elegantly as I turn the page to scan the data that has been sent to me.
"Hypocrite..." She whispered.
Natigilan ako sa aking narinig. Kahit na alam kong pabiro lamang iyon, tumaas pa rin ang aking mga dugo papunta sa aking ulo.
"Napaisip lang ako kagabi. How old are my children? Eight years old, isn't it? Let's be realistic here, Elaine. Ang mga lalaki, sa gano'ng katagal na panahon, karamihan sa kanila ay usad na usad na!" I raised my voice because of irritation. "Hindi kami magkapareho ni Zavion. Ako ang nagtulak sa kan'yang umalis. Siya ang naiwan, kaya sa tingin mo ba, sa loob ng walong taon na 'yon, hindi pa rin nawala ang pagmamahal niya sa akin? Of course, he have already lost his feelings for me!"
She fell silent. She couldn't open her mouth to let out what she wants to say.
"I have to pretend that I'm no longer interested because I have to tame my feelings. Nagkasundo na kami ng sarili ko," I said firmly. "So please, Elaine, stop telling me things about him. You're building a hope inside my chest... and I don't want to get hurt again," I shook my head. "Ayaw ko nang bumalik sa gano'ng paraan ng pamumuhay. Ayaw ko nang masaktan ulit. Ayaw ko na..."
I look at her eyes directly and I saw mixed emotions in her eyes. She felt guilty after hearing my insights. Napanguso na lamang ako at bumalik sa aking ginagawa.
"I just want you to be happy," she said with full of sincerity.
"I'm contented and happy, Elaine," I spoke slowly. "I have you, I have my sons, I have Tita Ava and Kazuo, and I have myself."
Tumahimik ang silid pagkatapos no'n. Nagbukas na lamang ako ng ibang usapin upang may mapag-usapan kami. Things went smoothly. She updated me about her life and about my parents' life. Gustuhin ko mang makita sila... ngunit ayaw ko nang bumalik sa lugar kung saan pinaramdam sa akin na isa akong walang kuwenta kahit na ang totoo ay hindi ako gano'n.
We were interrupted when Archis and Atharv caused a loud noise as they entered my office. They quickly ran towards me and I immediately pulled them closer to me to give them a tight hug. Basa pa ang kanilang mga buhok dahil kaliligo lang sa kanila ni Tita Ruby, ang kanilang taga-alaga.
"Hi, Tita!" Archis greeted Elaine. Hinalikan naman ni Atharv ang pisngi nito.
"Hello, Archis! Kiss nga nang marami si Tita..." Masuyong wika ni Elaine sa kanila. Bumalik muli ako sa aking ginagawa at hinayaan si Elaine na makipag-usap muna sa aking mga anak.
"No, Tita. Don't spoil him po. Tito Kazuo gave him a new set of toys yesterday," I heard Atharv's firm voice.
"So what if Tita wants to spoil me? H'wag ka ngang mangialam!"
"See that po, Tita? That's his attitude. He doesn't deserve to receive an award po."
"And you deserve it?"
"I didn't say anything, Archis."
"Don't make him cry, Atharv. Magagalit ang Mama ninyo."
"Tsk."
My eyes shifted to them. Hindi pinansin ni Archis ang naging akto sa kan'ya ni Atharv. Umangat ang tingin nito sa akin at mabilis na gumuhit ang ngiti sa kan'yang labi. His eyes twinkled as he pouted his lips like he wants me to be mesmerized by his cuteness.
"Mama!" Archis called me cheerfully. "Kuya told me it's your day-off today! Let's go out today, Mama!"
I cleared my throat. Now that he mentioned that thing to me, I was also thinking if I could ask Kazuo to come with us.
I shook my head. My sons want an alone time with me. I must give that to them.
Dumapo ang aking tingin kay Atharv na hinihintay rin ang aking sagot. His eyes are pleading. Sa kanilang dalawa, mas malapit talaga si Atharv sa akin. Gusto niyang palagi niya akong kasama.
"Okay. Wait Mama. I'll just get dressed." I spoke sweetly.
Atharv's lips formed a big smile. Napatalon naman si Archis sa tuwa.
Elaine went home after that. Hindi na namin muling napag-usapan pa si Zavion dahil sa nangyari. Nagsabi lang ito sa aking magpapahinga na muna siya.
Atharv and Archis can't hide their excitement. Tatlo silang nasa back seat, kasama si Tita Ruby. Archis' attention is on his iPad. Tahimik lamang si Atharv na nasa gilid. Minsan ay nakikita kong tumitingin ito sa akin gamit ang salamin. I raise a brow when I notice that he's acting weird. I could see how much he's holding himself.
"What do you want to say, Gaddiel? What's bothering you?"
He was caught off-guard when he heard me mentioning his first name. He heaved a deep sigh before answering my question.
"Aren't you tired, Mama?" He asked softly.
I chuckled when I heard his question. I quickly shook my head to answer him.
"I'm not tired."
"Kung pagod ka po, Mama, puwede naman pong sa bahay na muna tayo."
"Mama's not tired, anak," I answered.
He was satisfied with my answer, so he shuts his mouth after that. Nang marating namin ang Mall ay naunang bumaba si Archis. Nakahawak ito sa kan'yang Tita Ruby habang mabilis na tinakbo ni Atharv ang distansya naming dalawa. I held his soft hand firmly before we enter the Mall as the security guard checks us out.
"Gusto ninyo po bang kumain na muna, Tita Ruby?"
Mabilis na umiling ito. "Hindi na po muna, Ma'am."
I nod my head. "Sige po," I shifted my attention to my sons. "Do you want to play first?"
"Whatever you like, Mama," Archis answered. "But I suggest to eat first, Ma," he added.
Napatango ako at binilinan si Tita Ruby tungkol sa mga bata. When I asked them where they want to eat, they just answered me that they want to eat pizza, so I decided to bring them in Greenwich. Iniwan ko na muna sila roon kasama si Tita Ruby upang makapag-order ako. Napailing na lamang ako nang makita kong napakaligalig nilang dalawa.
While waiting, I get my phone inside of my small bag to check my notifications. Kumunot ang aking noo nang makita kong may tatlong missed calls si Kazuo. Tatawagan ko na sana siya nang mag-ring muli ang aking phone at sinagot ko agad 'yon nang makita ang caller.
"Is there a problem?" I quickly asked.
"Nasa'n ka?" Kazuo's tone is different.
Confusion crept into my chest when I heard his tone.
"Bakit?" I said. "Nasa mall kami ng mga bata. Busy pa ako."
"Daddy's in the hospital! Inatake siya sa puso!"
"Huh?" My lips parted in shock. My heart skips a beat the moment he said those words.
Although I haven't seen my father for how many years now, that didn't stop me to panic. Gumapang ang panlalamig sa aking buong katawan at ramdam ko ang panlalambot ng aking mga tuhod.
"Si Papa?"
"Oo, 'yong Papa natin!" Natataranta niyang wika. "They brought him to Arevallo Hospital. Papunta na rin ako roon," he immediately ended the call.
Nanghina ang aking buong sistema pagkatapos kong marinig 'yon. Mabuti na lamang dahil wala mas'yadong tao sa greenwich at nakapag-order ako agad. I told Arlene, the one who asked my order, that it's a take-out so after getting the pizzas, I immediately attended my sons and told them that we have to leave because there's an emergency.
"Mama, what happened po?" Archis asked innocently.
"Your lolo is in the hospital," I answered nervously.
I started the engine of the car and drove fast. Hindi pa nakikita ng aking mga anak ang kanilang Lolo at Lola at hindi ko na rin naman binalak pa dahil maaaring hindi sila interesado na makita ang mga anak ko dahil sa nangyari. Sa sobrang pagmamadali, hindi ko namalayan na narating rin namin kaagad ang Arevallo Hospital. I quickly parked the car and instructed Tita Ruby to take care of my sons.
"Mama, I want to go with you..." Atharv didn't let go of my hand. Nakatingala ito sa akin habang hinihintay ang aking abiso.
Because of too much panic, I nod my head and let Atharv to come with me. Since Archis is distracted with his gadget and the pizza that he's eating, I instructed Tita Ruby to look after him. Hindi na ito sumama pa kaya kaming dalawa lamang ni Atharv ang pumasok sa hospital.
Kazuo texted me the room number earlier, so I look for it myself and went there immediately. Mariin kong nakagat ang aking labi dahil sa bilis ng pagtibok ng aking puso. Halos hindi ako makahinga nang maayos at ramdam ko ring pinagpapawisan ako nang malamig.
Please, not now. I want him to see my sons first. Kahit hindi na nila ako tanggapin bilang anak nila, basta makita ko na muna sila.
"Wow, this is a big hospital," Atharv murmured. "Mama, I want to be a doctor when I grow up to help those sick people!"
I look down to look at him. Natigilan ako nang may maalala ako sa kan'ya.
I shook my head and forget those thoughts. Hindi dapat... hindi ko na dapat inaalala 'yon.
"Then, be a doctor, Gaddiel," I smiled.
Nang makita ko ang pamilyar na numero ng isang silid, hindi na ako nag-atubili pang pumasok doon. Nakita agad ng aking mga mata sina Tita Ava at Kazuo na magkatabi at si Mama na kinakausap ng doctor. They were surprised when they felt my presence. Nahuli ko pa ang panlalaki ng mga mata ni Mama nang makita ako. Tumigil sa pagsasalita ang doctor at nag-angat ito ng tingin. Halos mapako ako sa aking kinatatayuan nang magkatagpo ang aming tingin ni Zavion.
Dahan-dahang umawang ang aking labi at nanghina ang aking mga kamay na nakakapit sa aking anak.
Putangina.
Bakit hindi ko 'to naisip kanina?
Bakit hindi ko naalala na nasa Arevallo Hospital nga pala ako? Ngunit bakit sa dinami-rami ng doctor ng Arevallo Hospital, bakit si Zavion ang doctor ng Papa ko?
Putangina. Putangina talaga, Elvira. Bobo, bobo, bobo.
"So as I was saying..." Zavion continued to talk like he didn't see me at all. Parang narinig ko ang unti-unting pagdurog ng aking puso sa kan'yang ginawa. He acts like he doesn't know me at all!
"Fuck you, Kazuo! Bakit hindi mo 'to sinabi sa akin?" I said in irritation when I got back into my senses. Nasa tabi ko pa rin si Atharv na kinikilatis si Papa.
"Hindi ko rin alam," umiling siya. "Nagulat din ako."
Napahilamos ako sa aking mukha. Ramdam ko ang pag-iinit ng aking pisngi. Hiyang-hiya ako sa aking natamo.
"Sinabi mo na dapat sa akin pagkatapos mong malaman! Paano kung nandito si Archis? Gago ka ba? Buti na lang at nagpaiwan 'yon sa kotse!"
"Hinaan mo 'yang boses mo. Nakikita kong sumusulyap siya rito."
"Tangina talaga," I gritted my teeth. Mas lalong nadagdagan ang kaba sa aking dibdib, lalo na nang dumapo ang aking tingin kay Gaddiel.
"Relax," he chuckled. "Ang ganda talaga ng timing, 'no? Si Atharv pa talaga ang nadala mo!" He burst out laughing, looks like he realized something.
"What about me, Tito?" Atharv spoke seriously. Matagal kong natitigan ang kan'yang mukha nang may mapagtanto.
"Wala. Hindi ka dapat nakikinig sa usapan namin ng Mama mo," tumawa siya.
Atharv pouted his lips. Sumandal na lamang ito sa akin at masuyong pinaglaruan ang aking kamay.
I breathe in and I breathe out. I did that for how many times to calm my mind and emotions. For the past years, for all the things that I've been through, I have mastered my emotions. Natutunan ko rin kung paano maging kalmado at hindi dapat pinapairal ang emosyon sa lahat ng pagkakataon. You should know what to do.
Doctor Arevallo went out of the room after talking with Mama. Napatayo agad ako at nilapitan si Mama. Hindi naalis ang titig niya sa akin, lalo na nang mapagtanto niyang sa kan'ya ako patungo.
"Mama..." I called her softly. "Kumusta po si Papa?"
"Bakit ka nandito?" She answered me with a question.
"I'm worried po, Ma. I haven't seen my father for the—" She cut me off by slapping me.
Bahagya akong napaatras, gulat na gulat sa kan'yang ginawa.
"At ngayon ka lang nagpakita? Ang lakas ng loob mong magpakita sa akin pagkatapos mong iwan ang pamilya mo!"
"Huh?" I sounded so clueless.
She was the one who told me to move out, so what is she saying?
"Why are you here? What? Para ipakita na concern ka sa amin? Hindi na kailangan, Elvira! Umalis ka na lang dito!"
"Leah!" Tita Ava's loud voice filled the whole room. "May bata rito! Umakto ka naman nang naaayon sa iyong edad!"
"I am concern, Mama! Of course, he's my father! At bakit ba hanggang ngayon ay may tinatanim ka pa ring galit sa akin?"
"You won't understand my reasons because you're not in my position!" She answered.
I clenched my fist in anger.
Fuck, that's it? Ayon na 'yon? Tangina? Walang taon na ang lumipas, may galit pa rin ang nanay ko sa akin?
Napatingin ako sa anak kong nakatingin din sa amin. Halata rito na gusto niya akong lapitan ngunit mahigpit ang hawak ni Kazuo sa kan'ya. Bakas ang galit sa mukha ni Atharv. Matalim ang kan'yang titig kay Mama. Hindi ko alam kung naiintindihan ba niyang Lola niya ito.
I took a deep sigh. Hindi dapat nakikita ng anak ko 'to.
"Let go of my son, Kazuo," I order.
Kazuo let him go and my son immediately ran towards me. Humawak ito sa akin at tiningala si Mama. Malakas niyang hinihila ang aking kamay, senyas na lumabas na lamang kami.
"Aalis na lang po ako, Ma." I spoke calmly. I shifted my attention to Kazuo. "Tawagan mo na lang ako kapag gising na si Papa."
After that, I walk out of the room together with my son. Walang kibo ito kaya tumigil na muna ako sa paglalakad at umupo upang magpantay ang tingin naming dalawa.
"Mama's okay. Don't think too much, anak," mahinahon kong wika.
"Mama, that's wrong. It's never right to hurt other people," he explained.
"We have a misunderstanding before, Atharv. Hindi pa namin naaayos 'yon hanggang ngayon."
"But that is not an enough reason to hurt you, Ma!"
"Anak—" I was about to explain but that didn't happen because someone coughs from behind to get our attention.
Agad akong napatayo at napatingin sa aking likod dahil siguro ay nahaharangan namin ang daanan, ngunit kumalabog ang aking dibdib nang makita kong si Zavion 'yon, seryosong nakatitig sa akin.
"Sorry," I speak formally.
Humigpit ang kapit ko sa aking anak at hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong gawin.
"That's a doctor, right, Mama? I want to be like him po when I get older!" Atharv can't hide his excitement.
I was speechless. Mariin kong nakagat ang aking labi. Nangangapa ako sa mga sasabihin kaya mas pinili ko ang manahimik na lamang.
"Yes, I'm a doctor," he laughed.
My heart melts when I heard Zavion's laugh. He looked at my son and flashed a smile.
"If you want to be a doctor someday, then you should work here in Arevallo Hospital. I'll wait for that day, kiddo," he chuckled.
"I have a name po. I am Gaddiel Atharv po." My son spoke to him in a polite way.
Mas lalong natawa si Zavion sa kan'yang sinabi. He looks amused but that didn't last long when he shifted his attention to me.
"He's your son, right?" He asked gently. I was about to answer him but he spoke again. "Hindi ka pala talaga nagsisinungaling sa akin noon. Kamukhang-kamukha niya si Ambrielle. May anak nga talaga kayo..." Tumagal ang kan'yang titig kay Atharv, halos pabulong na 'yong huli.
"Zav—"
"Now, if you will excuse me," he spoke again and left without giving me a chance to speak.