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Before
...
Once Kim left I sat here and wondered what she meant by "someone else will"? No one could ever love Tessa the way I do, no one. And I refuse to let anyone else have her, she's mine.
I quickly get up and ran to the bathroom, I showered and once I was done I shaved my face.
I didn't know what to wear, Tessas family is very old fashion and a part of me knew that black jeans and a shirt wasn't exactly Thanksgiving attire. Tessa mentioned that her uncle and aunt were gonna be there and I haven't met them yet. I decided to wear black dress pants and a black turtle neck, I put on a belt and my jean jacket before I put on my converse. I slicked my hair back and shook my head, all the hair fell in place. The last thing I did was spray the cologne that drives Tessa crazy, I packed a night bag and left.
On the drive I stoped to buy some roses and a bottle of champagne, showing up is back enough so I didn't want to come empty handed.
...
After
...
I lightly knock on the door. I wait a few seconds until the door opens, she looks at me and I look at her.
God she looks absolutely gorgeous, I don't even know what to say to her. I can't form words.
"I missed you." Is all I mange to say.
"You're............you're here." She says.
"Yes, I would have called but............you're not one to answer my calls."
"Tessie who's at the door............oh my goodness, Hardin." Her mother says excitedly.
"Hi Mrs. Young, Happy Thanksgiving."
"Happy Thanksgiving dear, come inside it's freezing." She says.
I walk inside and close the door behind me, I hand the bottle of champagne to her mother.
"For you Mrs. Young."
I turn to Tessa and hand her the roses.
"For you darling."
She takes the flowers, she looks up at me with a nervous gaze. I can't tell what she's feeling, she gives me a nervous smile before she looks away.
"That's so sweet Hardin, but like I've said you can call me Mary. We are just so happy you were able to make it out of work."
Work?
I look at Tessa and she gives me pleading eyes, she hasn't told them.
"Uh........yeah. Work." I say.
"Well you made it just in time, we are about to eat." Mary says with a smile.
"Mom, can Hardin and I have a second alone." Tessa says.
"Of course."
Her mother walks into the dinning room, I turn to Tessa.
"I'm at work?" I question.
She nervously chews on the inside of her mouth.
"Well, everyone kept asking why you weren't here and I didn't wanna tell them we broke up so I just...........I lied."
Broken up, ouch.
"You didn't tell them? Why?"
She sighs.
"Well it's not easy telling your parents that the man you love broke your heart ok, look can you just go with it. I know it's selfish to ask but I just....I..."
"I'll go with it, I would do anything for you Tessa."
"Yeah, thanks for the flowers."
We both awkwardly stand here.
"Tessa, dinner." Mary calls.
"We're going."
She looks at me before she walks past me and into the dinning room, I take off my jacket before I follow her. She puts the flowers in the kitchen before she walks back in.
"This is my Uncle Ted and Aunt Stacy, and those are my cousins Chad and Brad. Everyone this is my boyfriend Hardin." She says.
Boyfriend, much better. Even if she's just faking it, it's better than being "broken up".
Her uncle stands up and I shake his hand, I shake her aunts hand and the twins wave at me. Tessa and I sit down and Mary serves us.
"Well Hardin I have to be honest I thought Mary was making you up, I mean you are quite the young man." Her aunt says.
I nervously laugh.
I look over at Tessa and see that she's just moving the food around her page with her fork.
"So, how did you guys meet?" Her uncle asks.
"Uh, at college. We both go to NYU." I say.
"Oh really, what do you study?" He asks.
"I'm an English major but I work in publishing, Tessa and I work together."
"Oh, well that's nice." Her aunt adds.
"How long have you been together Tessa?" Ted asks.
She looks up at me and faintly smiles before she looks at her uncle.
"Uh three months tomorrow." She says.
Shit, has it really been that long. It feels like we've been together for so much longer.
"Well that's amazing." Her aunt smiles.
Tessa looks back down at her plate.
"Are you guys married?" One of her twins asks.
Jesus Christ, I swear to god if one more person brings up marriage I'm gonna kill myself.
"No, we're not married." Tessa quickly adds.
"Not yet." Her uncle teases.
Everyone laughs except me and Tessa, she just looks down at her hands and fidgets with her rings.
"Why?" The child asks.
"Chad don't ask such inappropriate questions, finish your vegetables." His mother scolds.
I eat some of the food in my plate.
"Everything tastes amazing Mrs. Young."
"Thank you Hardin, but I've already told you that you can call me Mary."
"Right, I forgot."
We all sit in silence and all you can hear are the forks and knives on the glass plates.
"You ok Tessie? You've barely touch your food." Her father says.
"Yeah, I'm just not that hungry." She says softly.
"Well Hardin, Tessa said you have a book coming out." Her father asks.
Oh god.
"Uh, yeah. Just something I was working on, not a big deal."
"Well I can't wait to read it." He says excitedly.
Tessa drops her fork on the floor.
I look at her and see the blank expression on her face.
I bend down and pick up her fork.
Tessas mother quickly changes the topic and they start talking about the food.
...
The whole dinner everyone talks and Tessas just sits here like she's dreading the whole thing. I feel bad, I shouldn't have come.
...
Once everyone is done eating Tessas dad and uncle go back into the living room and the twins follow behind them. Tessa, Stacy and Mary start clearing the table, I help them.
"Oh Hardin you can join the boys in the living room, we can clear up the table." Mary says.
"It's ok ma'am, I don't mind helping." I say.
"Well I wish Ted was as helpful as you, all he does is sit around all day."
"I heard that Stacy!" Ted yells from the living room.
Stacy rolls her eyes.
"You found yourself a good one Tessie." Her aunt adds.
Tessa nods her head before she walks into the kitchen with the plates, I follow behind her with the cups. She faces the sink.
"Look I'm sorry."
She quickly turns around and drops the stack of plates, they all fall to the ground and shatter.
"Fuck." She says under her breath.
She bends down and starts picking up the glass.
"Tess no, you're gonna cu.."
"Ow.......shit."
Her mother and aunt run into kitchen.
"Good god, Tessa you're bleeding."
Tessa looks up at her mom.
"I'm sorry about the plates." She mumbles.
"It's alright, I hated those anyway. Go upstairs and clean that hand, your aunt and I will clean this up."
"Come on, I'll help you." I say.
I gently pick her up and lift her over the glass, I put her back down and she immediately runs out of the kitchen and upstairs.
I look back at the glass.
"Go after her, I'll clean." Her mom whispers to me.
I nod my head before I run up the stairs after her, when I get upstairs I see her trying to reach the first aid kit in the closet.
"Let me." I offer.
"I'm fine, I got it."
She gets on her tippy toes and still can't reach, I walk up behind her and grab the kit from the top shelf. I hand it to her. She quickly turns around and we are face to face, only inches away from each other. I can feel her warm breath in my face. She quickly pulls away and walks into the bathroom.
"Tessa just let me help you."
"Hardin it's fine, it's just a cut."
"There could be glass in your hand, just let me help."
Her hands shake while she tries to open the kit, I walk into the bathroom and gently take her hands in mine. She looks up at me with tear filled eyes.
"Just let me help." I whisper.
"Ok."
She sits on the edge of the tub, I rinse a towel with warm water and walk over to her. I kneel in front of her and gently clean her cut.
"How is it that we always end up in this situation? Someone is always bleeding."
"Because you and I are one big ticking time bomb ready to explode at any moment and we don't care who we hurt in the crossfire." She says bluntly.
Well shit.
I just stay quiet.
"I don't see any glass, I think you should be fine. You just need a bandage."
She nods her head.
I stand up and grab a bandaid, I place it over her cut before I bring her hand to my lips and gently kiss over the bandage. Her breathing hitches and she longs into my eyes for a brief moment before she pulls her hand away.
"Thanks." She says.
She grabs the kit and leaves the bathroom, I clean up the mess and follow behind her. She puts the kit away and begins to walk downstairs but I grab her arm to stop her. She turns around to face me.
"Please talk to me Tess, please just say something." I beg.
She sighs before she pulls her arm away.
"What do you want me to say Hardin?"
"Anything, this silence is slowly killing me."
"How do you think I feel, seeing you here. My whole family asking questions and saying how lucky I was to find someone as great as you, having to pretend that every part of me isn't completely broken. Having to resist from giving into you..........and you show up out of nowhere and you look like that and I...............I know I asked you to pretend but it just hurts too damn much."
"How do you think I feel, to be here with you but not be able to actually be with you. No one is gonna believe that we are together if every time I get close you run away. Tessa just give me a chance."
She closes her eyes and shakes her head, she opens them again and I see how much she's hurting.
"Let's just get through tonight ok." She says.
She walks down the stairs and I follow behind her, she walks into the living room where everyone is sitting down. The only spot open on the couch is the end so we both awkwardly sit down next to each other, I take advantage that we are in front of everyone and reach for her hand. She looks down at our hands while I interlock our fingers.
"Sorry about the plates mom." She says.
"It's alright, now I have an excuse to go shopping." She laughs.
Tessa places her other hand on top of mine and gently traces the tattoos on my hand, I love when she does that. She usually would do it when she was nervous or anxious, I guess being around her family and me being here is a lot for her. Her hands are still shaking and she's freezing.
She pulls our hands to her lap and she slides closer to me, these mixed signals are really fucking with me right now.
Her father leaves the room and comes back in holding a guitar, what the fuck. I swear if they all start singing I'm gonna jump out the fucking window. This is too much hallmark "perfect family" for me.
"Oh Tessie, you know what time it is." Her mom says.
Tessa shakes her head.
"No mom, please." Tessa begs.
"Oh come on, it's a tradition. You sing us a song every year after thanksgiving dinner."
Oh, well this id actually like to hear.
"No, I haven't sang in ages and I'm not warmed up."
"Come on, I'm sure Hardin would love to hear you sing."
Everyone looks at me.
"Mom I really don't feel well, maybe later."
God, I hate that she feels like this.
"Ok, why don't we go outside and light a bonfire. The twins can make s'mores." Mary offers.
"Yay!" The two little boys cheer.
They run to get their coats, we all stand up and Tessa lets go of my hand.
...
Once we make it outside her father lights the bonfire and we all sit around it, Tessa digs into the ground with her boot heel. The twins chase each other with sticks.
"Chad and Brad, you put those stick down RIGHT NOW!" Stacy yells.
"But mom, out here is so boring." One of them cries.
"We are having quality family time, now sit down and behave."
"Quality family time, Aunt Mary and Uncle David are kissing and being gross, Dad is eating my s'more, Tessa looks like she's in pain and the new guy looks like he's gonna cry. This isn't "quality" anything."
This little fucker.
"Ted will you help me with your out of control sons please?"
"What do you want me to do, you're the one who gave them chocolate."
Stacy and Ted start bickering.
"I should have never come here." Tessa whispers.
I stand up.
"Boys, I have a football in my car. You want to play?" I offer.
"Yes." They both say at the same time.
I walk to my car and open the trunk, I grab the football. I walk back to the backyard and see everyone is still sitting down, the two boys approach me.
"I'm Chad."
"I'm Brad."
They looks the exact same
"Yeah, ok. Knock yourselves out."
I hand one of them the ball and they start tossing it around, I sit back down next to Tessa. She starts to shiver so I take off my jacket and drape it over her shoulders.
"Thanks." She mumbles.
"Yeah."
She rests her head on my shoulder.
I think the worst part of this all is that I don't know if she's doing all of this to put on a show for her parents or because she genuinely wants to, I know I'm not in a place to be making any demands but it's fucking torture to have her this close and not know if any of it is real. I'm just grateful she let me stay, I reach for her hand again and lace our fingers together. If she's pretending I might as well take advantage that she's letting me get this close.
"Go long Chad!"
Brad throws the football and Brad jumps up and catches it.
The fire gets a bit hot so I roll up my sleeves to reveal my inked arms, I catch Tessas aunt staring at my arms. She scrunches her nose in disgust before she looks away and rolls her eyes.
"Woah." The twins say.
They drop the ball and run up to me, they examine my arms.
"Are those real?" One of them asks.
"Yes." I answer.
"Wow, you have so many. Did they hurt?"
"Not really, you just kinda get used to it."
One of the little boy runs his finger over the skull on my forearm.
"Cool, it feels like normal skin."
I glance over at Tessa and see her smile.
"I'm gonna get tattoos when I'm older."
I honestly can't tell them apart.
"Like hell you are, tattoos are trashy. Who would want something permanently engraved on their body." Her aunt snap.
"They aren't trashy Stacy, tattoos are a form of art and no one is saying you have to get one. If a person wants to get tattoos then it's their decision, and no one asked for your opinion." Tessa fires back.
I did not expect her to defend me like that, to talk back to her aunt.
She rests her head back on my shoulder and I feel her trace a heart into my palm.
What the fuck is happening?
"That was very disrespectful Tessa." Her aunt adds.
"Yeah well you were disrespecting the man I love." Tessa fires back.
The man she loves.
I look at her but she looks away.
"Ok, how about some coffee?" Mary intervenes.
"No that's ok, we were leaving anyways. Boys, Ted, let's go."
Stacy stands up and struts inside the house.
Great, as if this night couldn't get any worse, we follow them into the house and they put on their coats before the leave and slam the door behind them. I turn to Mary.
"I'm so sorry." I say.
"Please, don't apologize. That's just Stacy being Stacy, she does this every year. She stops talking to us for a week and then we'll see her at church and she'll act like nothing happened. She's such a drama queen. I'm sorry if she offended you Hardin." Mary laughs.
Well that's a relief.
"She didn't, I'm used to the judgment."
We walk into the kitchen and Mary grabs the bottle of champagne, she pops the cork and pours four glasses. Her and David grab one and I hesitate to take it, I don't know if Tessa is drinking and I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. She reaches for her glass and I reach for mine.
"To true love and crazy family members." Mary laughs.
I take a small sip of mine but Tessa chugs her whole glass.
"Well David and I are gonna head to bed, see you both in the morning."
Her mother hugs her and her father kisses the top of her head before they head to the three bedroom downstairs. Now it's just us, she sits on a stool. I sit across from her. She sighs before she closes her eyes and covers her face with her hands.
"I'm sorry about my aunt." She whispers.
"It's ok, thanks for defending me."
"That bitch had it coming, I swear she always does this."
She uncovers her face and looks at me, I reach for her hands but she pulls away.
"I'm sorry, I can't." She says.
"You did before."
"Yeah but...........that's was different."
I chuckle before I stand up.
"Right, you were faking it." I say bluntly.
"Hardin are we really gonna fight right now, seriously."
"No, all I want to do is talk to you but all you do is throw mixed signals at me and then push me away, I know I fucked up ok, but this holding my hand then pushing me away bullshit isn't fair."
"I'm confused ok, I won't touch you anymore. I won't ever look at you, happy."
She stands up and walks past me, she walks upstairs and I hear her room door slam. I chug the rest of my champagne, this is gonna be a long night.
...
I grab my bag from my car before I walk back inside and lock the door, I walk upstairs and open the guest room to see that there's no bed. There's a bunch of gym equipment and storage boxes, great.
I go downstairs and see that Jerry is asleep on the couch.
This is all fucking fantastic.
I walk back upstairs and stand outside her door, I knock lightly.
"It's unlocked." She says faintly.
I open the door and walk inside, I see her sitting on the edge of the bed. I walk in and put my bag down, I close the door behind me. I put my hands in my pockets and lean on the door.
"The guest room is now a gym and Jerry took over the couch."
She lightly giggles.
"The universe really loves us."
"I guess it knows when two people are meant to be." I add.
"You can't say stuff like that Hardin."
"Why?"
She looks up at me.
"You know why, don't be cruel." She says.
"Hey, I'm not the one who's holding hands then pushing away." I say bluntly.
She rolls her eyes.
"You're so annoying."
"Yeah well you're obnoxious."
She stands up.
"You can sleep on the floor, Jerry's dog bed is in the corner." She cockily smiles before she walks into the bathroom and closes the door, I hear the shower turn on.
Jesus.
I grab my bag and use the bathroom in the hallway, I shower before I change into grey joggers and a black shirt. I walk back into the room and see Tessa wrapped in a towel, she quickly turns around and grips the towel tight in her fist.
"Sorry, the door was open so I thought...."
I turn around.
"It's fine, nothing you haven't seen before." She mumbles.
I hear the bathroom door close, I turn around. I put my bag down before I grab a pillow and throw it on the floor, I sit on the edge of the bed and look down at my hands until the bathroom door opens and she walks through. She's wearing pajama shorts and a white shirt, the material hugs her body and the white shirt is basically see through. I force my eyes away out of respect.
She walks over to the door and locks it before was walks over to her desk and sits down, she removes the pins from her hair and lets her bun down. She then starts applying lotion to her legs.
Oh my fucking god, she's trying to kill me.
I try not to stare but it's hard not to when she keeps running her hands up and down her smooth legs. The lotion blends into her creamy skin, what I would do if I could......no.
Contain yourself Hardin.
She looks up at me and I quickly look away, she stands up and walks towards the bed. I get off the best and lay down on the floor, she climbs on the bed.
"Hardin."
"Yeah."
"You don't actually have to sleep on the floor." She says.
"But you...."
"I know what I said.......just........it's winter and it's cold.........and the floor is hard..............I'm mad but I'm not heartless. We are mature enough to share the bed without...........you know."
I slowly sit up, I grab the pillow and stand up. I lay down on the bed and she turns the lights off , we both lay down on our backs and face the ceiling in silence.
"The book.......did you read the whole thing?" I ask.
She stays quiet.
"No.........but I...........I read some of it..............did you really mean what you wrote?" She questions.
I turn to my side and so does she, we face each other and without hesitation I reach my hand forward and tuck her bangs behind her ear.
"Of course I did, I meant every word that I said and wrote."
"Then why does it hurt so much." The words fall off her lips the same time a tear streams down her face.
"Don't cry baby."
I wipe her tear away.
"You have to believe me when I tell you that I never meant to hurt you, I love you Tessa.............I swear that I love you."
She places her hand on my cheek and I place mine on hers.
"You hurt me." Her lip trembles.
"I know, and I regret it every day...........just give me another chance....please."
She sniffles.
"I.........I need time." She says.
"I know."
She slowly turns around, I turn around and now our backs face each other.