Is it weird that it felt nice to have his lips onto mine ? Nicer than I thought it would ? Yes, I wanted that. I wanted that cute younger guy, because he was so shy and it was like a challenge. I had never expected that thing in my stomach to go on and to make me want this so much. It probably was just because I was a bit drunk and stoned. That was the only reason.
I dropped my bottle on the sand and climbed on his lap. Our lips were still meeting each others, his hands were cupping my cheeks, my fingers were roughly playing in his hair. We were so sore, so in need of each other. It wasn't soft or anything, it was just the burning desire of company, of lust.
Without knowing it, we were laying on the ground, me on top of him. My lips left his, slowly cascading down to his neck. His back arched and I smiled. I was glad I hadn't lost it. My fingers grabbed the hem of his shirt and I pulled it off. It didn't took me long before mine was doing the same. We were going fast, exanging from time to time drunk kisses. He was getting excited, I knew it, I felt it. Our shorts left our bodies without having to think about it. He was getting more and more confident, leaving trays of wet kisses all over my neck, then to my breast. He unclasped - hardly, I need to say - my bra and switched our position. My bare back was laying on the sand and, every now and then I felt Zayn's crotch against my sensitive spot. I was moaning, I was feeling alive. Soon enough, we were both naked, our hands exploring quickly each other's body. Then, he went into me and my nails scratched his back. He was getting into me roughly, I was biting his shoulder to contain my screams. He was good, really good. We both got our higher level - which was rare in my case - at the same moment, before he laid back down next to me. We didn't say a word, I just put my head on his chest. And I tried to convince myself that I had felt nothing but pleasure. That it was nothing but sex.
...
I dreamed of nothing, of blackness surrendering me. There was nothing else, just that, and it felt fucking nice. For once, I knew that the alcohol had nothing to do with me having no dreams. Something changed inside of me during that night and I couldn't put a finger on what the fuck it was.
I felt the ground shaking a bit under me, I hold it tighter. I didn't wanted to let go of the darkness, it felt great to be there. Then I remembered what happened. I started to smile when I realized that I wasn't holding the ground, but Zayn.
"Hi..." I murmured, looking up to see his face. There was nothing on our naked bodies, only the wind blowing over our skin.
"Euh... Hi ?" Well, I was back with the shy guy. I thought he was cute, with that redness over his cheeks and the way his eyes had to not meet mine. Maybe he was ashamed of having sex with me ? Was it that ?
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone if you don't want to..." At first, I thought that I was lying. That I would tell Jenna and that she'd tell me what a great shot I did. But, as soon as the words were leaving my mouth, I knew that I would keep it a secret. Not because I was ashamed, certainly not. But because I wanted this night to stay between the both of us only, no one else.
I looked at his face more carefully. His eyes were now closed and his lips, pinched. His breathing was shacking and he really looked... Like he was regretting it. That hurt, and I tried to convince myself that it was only touching me ego.
"Was it your first time, Zayn ?" I asked, trying to sound soft and to not pressure him into telling me anything. I waited for his answer, not a single word left his mouth. It was his first time, and it made him seems even more innocent to me. "I'm sorry, Zayn." Still, no sound but the wind. I moved a bit, just to leave him some space. "You regret it, didn't you ?" I thought that I wouldn't get an answer but, as soon as the words flew in the air, he shook his head.
"I wanted it." He said, so low that I wasn't sure I had hear him for real.
"But... ?" I encouraged him to continue. Don't fucking ask me why, but I wanted to understand the guy. He was looking so fragile, like anything could break him. It felt weird but... I wanted to help him.
"I miss Eli..." With that, tears started to rush down his face, tears that seemed to have waited so long before getting out. I bit my lip, trying not to comfort him in any way. That was not who I am. But I wasn't myself when I was around him.
"She's your girlfriend ?" I somehow felt bad. If he had a girlfriend and we slept together... That was something I wasn't doing. Breaking couples. That was something I just couldn't do.
"Not anymore..." And with that, he cried even harder. He was heartbroken, that was the shadow hunting him down. He got up and started to get dressed up, not even bothering to wipe the tears from his face.
"Zayn..." I whispered, before getting up and putting back my clothes on too. He felt bad about doing it, I knew it. And it made me feel bad too. My fucking God, what was happening to me ?
"Can we just... Don't talk about that ?" I just nodded, I knew in that moment that my goal wasn't to make him feel bad. I told ya, that night changed me. Zayn put his cap on and I now had no view of his eyes. Which was probably better that way, because seeing him cry was starting to break my heart. A beautiful guy like him wasn't deserving that.
I packed our things, not even bothering to try to make something for breakfast - was it even time for this ? I had no clue of the hour. I then walked up to the canoe and dropped the bag in it, before jumping inside. Zayn did the same not long after and we were getting back to the docks.
It took us a good hour and there was no words exchanged. I knew Zayn wasn't in the mood for talking, I was able to hear him cry behind me. I knew he was trying not to show it, to be subtle, but... He wasn't. And it was making my heart crush, which was very strange. When we finally arrived to the docks, he just muttered a small "good bye" before leaving quickly, almost running. I looked at him until he was out of sigh, feeling so bad for the boy. I know I hadn't forced him into sleeping with me, that he was totally volunteer at that time. But I knew last night that he wasn't totally himself. Even though having sex with him had been my main goal since I met him, I was regretting it now. I was regretting it because I made him feel bad.
As I was thinking that, I decided that my mind was definitely messed up.
...
I went to eat at The Shack, alone. I was glad when I entered and I saw that none of my crew were there. I just bought something to drink - I wasn't hungry at all - before going to sit at a table. I was taking my first sip when my phone started to buzz in my pocket. I took it off and looked at the ID caller, to decide if I was answering it or not. The face on the screen was the only one I wouldn't ever ignore. I pressed the green button before putting the device to my ear.
"Hi, darliiiing !" Louis almost screamed.
"Hey." I couldn't put joy in my voice, I was so lost in my thoughts.
"You alright ?" Louis was my best friend, it was sure that he would notice that something wasn't right with me. I shook my head, before remembering that he couldn't saw me.
"I'll tell you later."
"Promise ?"
"Pinky one." I said and smiled. A weak smile, just because I was remembering the first time I had said that to Louis. We were so young then... He was the only one who stayed by my side through all these years.
"You better. Anyway, are you coming back soon ? Hannah's in town for a while, it would be nice to hang out sometimes."
And I let him speak about how he was glad she was back and all the plans he had for us three, leaving Zayn at the back of my thoughts.
...
"Where were you all day ?" Jenna said, jumping on my back as soon as I took the first step on my lot. I quickly put her back on her feet, she knew I wasn't one for physical contacts yet, she was still doing this every time she was getting excited over something.
"Out, I was tired of you idiots."
"As usual !" Andy laughed and his girlfriend shoved her fist on his shoulder.
"Anyway, you're ready ? It's party time tonight !" Jenna exclaimed, looking excited as fuck. I contained myself not to tell her that it was the same every week, sometime even every day, that she didn't needed to go all out just for that. But I bet my tongue.
"Nah, I'm just gonna pass."
"You're alright ?" Marcus asked, looking concerned. Marcus was the only one to even care for others in our crew.
"Yeah, I'm just tired." I lied, with a smile that clearly looked fake as hell.
I dismissed them that way and entered the caravan. I closed the door, before leaning onto it. What the fuck was happening to me ?
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Hey guyyys ! Long entry, right ?
I might not post next week, since I broke my thumb and that I can't hand write without it hurting. And since inspiration for this story only comes when I'm handwriting... I'll post as soon as I can though !