⚠️SENSITIVE CONTENT⚠️
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Before her.
...
I slept for an hour last night before I woke up screaming from a nightmare, but this nightmare wasn't about my past.......it was about Tessa's.
Nick was...................he was............and I couldn't stop him, she was crying and screaming out for me and I couldn't do anything to help her. I wanted to die.
I woke up screaming...............not just yelling......I was fucking screaming off the top of my lungs like bloody murder. I couldn't breathe, I was crying so hard and I couldn't stop. I called her but her phone was turned off because I went directly to her voicemail. It was fucking awful.
...
I laid in bed all day, I've never done this before. I hate being in bed alone............without Tessa, but today I physically cannot get up. I feel like shit, it's probably because I haven't eaten in three days and had a million cups of coffee.
God I hate my life.
...
My phone starts vibrating, I quickly sit up and hope to see Tessas name. Instead I see Kim's, I sigh before I ignore the call and lay back down. Suddenly I hear knocking at the front door.
Fucking hell.
Wait.
Tessa doesn't have her key.
I quickly stand up and run to the door, I open it and to my disappointment it's Kim holding a million things.
"Kim why are you fucking here?"
"Good morning to you too asshole."
She walks inside and puts her stuff down on the dinning table, I get a flash back of taking Tessa on that very table.
"Why are you smiling?" She asks.
"Nothing."
I close the front door.
"Why are you here?"
She hands me a bag and a cup of coffee.
"I'm here to help you get ready for the wedding, I have your suit and I bought the couple a gift from "you", I also made you a hair appointment to get a haircut because you look like a mop."
I roll my eyes.
"I'm not going, I don't feel good ok."
"Hardin get yourself together, you're going. Now eat your donut and drink you coffee, your appointment is in 30 minutes. I'll hang your suit in the room and leave the gift here."
She looks around.
"Did you clean?"
She laughs.
"I make myself laugh, I should be asking who cleaned?" She says sarcastically.
I roll my eyes.
"Very funny, Tessa cleaned...........I found the apartment clean like this when I got back yesterday, she left her key and grabbed the rest of her stuff. She's gone Kim, there's no point in going to that stupid fucking wedding."
I sit at the counter and drink the coffee.
She sits next to me and takes a bite of my donut, it's not like I was gonna eat it.
"Look Hardin, you have to look at things from her eyes. The man she loves fucked her over, literally. Now is your chance to show her the man she fell in love with, nows yours time to shine. So get your shit together and go get her, I have to go, I texted you the barbers address."
She finishes the donut before she leaves the apartment, I finish the coffee before I look over at the food Tessa made. If I want tonight to go well I need energy, maybe food will help. I don't have much time so I have a bit of pasta before I go into the bathroom.
I brush my teeth before I shave my face, I wash my face and slick my hair back before I garb my keys and slide off my shoes. I grab my jean jacket and put it on before I go to my car.
...
When I sit in the chair the barber walks over and puts a cape on me.
"I'm Jim, I'm a friend of Gavin and Kim's. What were you looking to get done?"
"I don't know, just trim the sides and take an inch off the top. I like it long."
"Ok."
He starts cutting.
...
Once he's done I look in the mirror, looks good.
"Thanks." I say.
I pay before I leave, I get back in my car and drive back to the apartment. It starts to snow on the drive, once I get to the apartment I sit on the couch and stare out the window. I don't know if I should go.
You know what fuck this, I'm not giving up on us. I'm not.
I love her and she's mine and I refuse to give her up, no one else can have her. No one.
I get up and put on what Kim brought.
I'm bringing my girl home.
...
After her.
...
She looks absolutely fucking stunning, the green of her dress brings out the blue in her eyes.
Her hair and her lips.............good god she's stunning.
Absolutely fucking stunning, I swear I have to remind myself to breathe.
"Hardin." It's all she says.
I don't know if she's happy or angry.
"Hi." I say.
I don't know what else to say.
"Everyone please take your seats, the ceremony is about to begin." Says the wedding planner.
Everyone sits down but Tessa and I just stare at each other, she quickly looks away and sits down. I sit in the empty seat next to her, she picks at her fingers. I notice her fresh black nail polish.
"You look stunning." I whisper.
She turns and looks at me.
"I didn't think you were coming." She whispers.
She's not happy to see me.
"I wasn't...........but I wanted to see you......Kim told me you were gonna be here and I knew I needed to come........Tessa I....."
The music starts playing and everyone goes silent.
"We'll talk later." She whispers.
This is good, at least she wants to talk. That's something, I wish she was happier to see me.
...
I try to focus on the ceremony but it's so hard when she's sitting right next to me, I haven't been this close to her in days and it's killing me that I can't touch her. I wanna hold her hand and lace our fingers together, I wanna kiss her and brush her bangs off her face. I want to bite her bottom lip and pull it between my teeth, I wanna pull her by her waist and hold her. I rather be miles away from her than this close and not be able to touch her.
...
3 brides maids in red dresses walk down the isle individually, each one is uglier than the other.
...
I start fidgeting with my bracelet. I look over at Tessa and catch a glimpse of her fidgeting with the necklace I bought her, she's till wearing it.
My heart flutters, this is an unusual feeling.
...
Sam walks down the isle slowly and throws handfuls of white flowers, she looks over at Tessa and I and smiles.
She looks back at the alter.
God I can't get over how Tessa looks, it's like I can't look away. And with saying that I can't help but look over and see that there's another guy looking at her too, I've seen him around the office before.
Asshole.
In an attempt to claim what's mine I reach up and tuck her bangs behind her ear, she looks at me with pain.
"Please don't." She whispers.
I pull my hand away.
Once Sam is finished throwing her petals we all stand up and watch as Kelly walks down the isle, once she's made it across we all sit back down and watch as they start their vows. I hate weddings, this is so stupid. I give them a year before the divorce, I just feel bad for Sam.
"Today we are joined to celebrate the union of Kelly Josie Miller and Steven Fran Stan......"
I look around and see people crying, how can people cry at weddings. I just don't understand the big deal.
I hear sniffles, I look over and see Tessa crying. I don't know if it's because of the wedding or because of me.
"Tess.........what's wrong?" I whisper.
"Just leave me alone Hardin.............please..........you make this so hard."
"Make what hard.........I'm just sitting here."
She looks at me and her tear filled eyes make my heart ache, she looks back at the alter where Kelly starts her vows. Steve looks so happy, fuck him. I look over at San and see her looking at me, she points to Tessa. I look over and see Tessa crying harder.
"And I Steven Fran Stan promise to love and cherish and respect you for as long as I shall live, I'll wake you in the mornings with a kiss and will kiss you Goodnight. I promise to always love and support you and will never stop fighting for you no matter what."
At this point everyone is fucking crying except me.
Tessa is really struggling.
I hand her my handkerchief and she wipes her eyes.
"Thanks." She whispers.
"I now pronounce you man and wife, you may kiss the bride."
Everyone stands and claps while they kiss, Tessa hands me the handkerchief. She claps and once Kelly and Steve have walked down the isle together everyone follows them to the seating area, Tessa doesn't say a word to me. Once we get to area with the tables Tessa hands me our seating card before she walks off to the table, shit.
They have us as Mr. and Mrs. Scott, no wonder she so upset.
I follow her to the table and sit down, there are two other seats at our table but no one sits in them. I try to reach my hands across the table and take hers but she pulls away.
"Don't." She says.
"Tessa please just talk to me."
"Why are you here Hardin?"
I sigh.
"For you, why else would I come to a fucking wedding."
She rolls her eyes.
"Maybe you wanted to sleep with the bride one last time before she was taken." She spits.
Holy shit.
"Tessa what the fuck is your problem, I'm trying to be here for you."
"No you're not Hardin, you being here is cruel. To make me sit through a wedding ceremony next to you is worse then hell, to know that I man I love is 2 inches away from me and I couldn't do anything. To know that you and I will never get this, never have a wedding or a future.............nothing............and you have to audacity to come her after everything you did to me. You're fucked in the head Hardin."
"The man you love." I repeat her words.
"Yes Hardin, I'm in love with you. Feeling don't just evaporate over night, well real feelings don't."
"Tessa my feelings are just as real as yours, for you to think otherwise is selfish. What you think I bought us a fucking apartment for shits and giggles, I fucking danced around our bedroom naked drinking champagne just to fuck with you? Come on, why can't you see how much I love you."
She doesn't say anything, she looks down at her empty plate and plays with the corner of her napkin.
"I know I hurt you........trust me I do, but I refuse to give up on us. Just give me another chance.....please." I beg.
"I can't trust you." She whispers.
"Tess........"
Suddenly Sam's runs up to our table.
"You guys both came." She says cheerfully.
"We wouldn't have missed it for the world Sam." Tessa says.
"Thanks guys." Sam says with a huge smile.
"Of course Sam, you looked so beautiful. Best flower girl I have ever seen." Tessa says with that beautiful smile of hers.
"Thanks."
Sam looks over and Kelly.
"I gotta go, thanks again for coming guys."
She runs over to Kelly and Steve.
I look back over at Tessa.
"Tessa I'm sorry."
"Hardin I don't wanna do this, I don't even wanna be here."
She begins to stand up but I stop her by taking her hand.
"Please don't go, just give me tonight. Please."
She looks at me and I can see the internal war I've caused inside her, she slowly sits back down.
"Thank you everyone for being here, before dinner is served it is time for our new wed couple to have their first dance as Mr and Mrs Stan!"
Everyone claps except me.
Kelly and Steve are the only ones on the dance floor, they sway back in forth and I watch Tessa gaze at them with envy. She's never been a jealous person but I know that seeing this is killing her because she'll never have it, not with me.
Once the song is over everyone claps while they kiss once more.
The waiters come out and hand everyone their plates.
"Can I interest you two in any drinks?" The waiter asks.
"I'll just have water." Tessa says.
"Same."
He walks away.
"You know they have champagne." I say.
"I know, that's only for special occasions." She mumbles.
A faint smile comes across my face.
...
Neither one of us really eats, she just moves the food around her plate with her fork.
...
The waiters take our plates away and we both sit here in silence, I watch as she fidgets with the necklace I have her.
I wish I could read her mind.
...
She sits here and bites the inside of her mouth while she stares at the night sky.
"I wasn't lying when I said you look absolutely stunning Tessa."
She looks at me.
"Thank you, it's Kim's dress." She admits.
"It's Kim's suit." I admit.
She lightly giggles and it makes me so happy.
"Well looks like I've been set up by my best friend and a 9 year old, I suppose this is your doing?" She questions.
"Some people just know that some things are worth fighting for.............like you."
She takes in a sharp breath before she looks down at her slice of cake.
Suddenly the band starts playing a familiar song, Tess and I both look up at at each other and I already know that we are replaying the same night in our heads.
"Oh you're in my veins and I cannot get you out." The band sings.
"Do you want to dance." I ask.
She'll probably say no but it's worth a shot.
"Ok." She says.
I'm surprised by her answer.
I stand up and extend my hand, she takes it and stands up. I lead her to the dance floor, I slowly place my hands on her waist and pull me close to me. She places her hands on my shoulders and I pull her closer, she looks up at me and I can tell that her gaze holds so much love. I just hope that she can see that my gaze holds just as much love.
We start to sway back and forth and our eyes never leave each other's, I reach one of my hands up and cup her face. I graze my thumb over her cheek and she closes her eyes and softly exhales. When she opens her eyes I swear I fall in love with her all over again, dear god.
"I love you Tessa, I love you so fucking much and I promise that if you give me another chance I'll never break your heart ever again."
She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth.
I slowly lean into kiss her, we both close our eyes and when our lips touch the pressure is released in my chest and I'm able to breathe. I slowly slip my tongue in her mouth and run it over hers, she places her hands on my my face and I pull her in by her waist.
She abruptly pulls away, she walks back and stares at me.
"I can't do this Hardin..............I can't."
She runs off the dance floor and runs inside the venue.
"Tessa wait."
I run after her and chase her down the hallway.
"Tessa please wait!"
I mange to catch up to her, I grab her hand.
"Tessa please."
She turns and looks at me and is we tears streaming down her face.
"Hardin I can't do this, I can't."
"Please just give me a chance."
"A chance to what, to hurt me again. To tell me you love me for it all to be a lie, I can't go through that again."
She sniffles and more tears just pour down her face.
"Tessa it wasn't a lie, I love you! I LOVED YOU THE WHOLE ENTIRE TIME! Why can't you believe me?"
"Because Nick used to tell me he loved me too, and there was a time that I believed him. But then he raped me and I knew it was all a lie, you told me you loved me and then I found out about the bet.......this is a repeating cycle and I refuse to let myself be used again."
"But I was never using you!"
"Yes you were, regardless if your love was genuine. You still used me, showed naked pictures of me..............made a mockery of me."
"Tessa I never showed anyone those photos of us, I told them shit yes but I would NEVER show anyone pictures of you naked!"
She sighs.
"It doesn't even matter anymore." She has helplessly.
"Yes it does, Tessa I want you back. I want us back, I want my life back. I can't live like this anymore, I can't. It's literally killing me, I haven't slept in days and I can't eat. I can barely breathe."
"Yeah well how do you think I feel! Having to jump around apartments, dodging my mothers phone calls. Waking up screaming YOUR NAME every night! I haven't slept and I can't even focus on anything anymore, I can't go to work or school because I can't risk seeing you! I have to live with Zach who's sweet but he stares at my tits all the time and doesn't know what no means....................Hardin I can't do this anymore!" She cries.
"Wait what! Tessa I swear to god I will kill him!"
"No, look he wouldn't hurt a fly. He's just weird, that's not what I'm even talking about Hardin. How can I trust you, how do I know this isn't all some part of your sick twisted game. How do I know you aren't just trying to get in my pants again? That as soon as I forgive you your not gonna just go and tell Sam and Chase! Tell that you were able to fuck me one last time!"
The fact that she has no faith in me hurts.
"Tessa I would never do that, Tessa I swear to you that I'm done with them. I will never talk to them again, Tessa I'm yours and I want you to be mine. Tessa I'm so madly in love with you, please baby you have to believe that all I want is you. I promise no more secrets, I'll never hurt you and I promise I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you, just give me a chance to prove myself to you. Please baby."
I reach for her hands, she so cold.
She looks down at my hands before she looks back at me.
"Hardin I....."
"Pleased baby." I beg.
"Let's just let it go...........Let me let you go." She whispers.
"No, I'm not letting you go. Tessa you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, I'm not giving up."
She doesn't say anything.
"Please say something love."
I place her hands on my chest.
"I..................I love you Hardin..........I just need some time. I can't give you an answer yet, I can't decide anything right now."
"I know, but just tell me that there's a chance for us. That's there's hope, please."
She hesitates.
"It's not a no, it's just..........not now.......I'm sorry I just can't get hurt again........I need to go."
She takes her hands off my chest and walks away, she opens her doors and walks outside. I walk after her.
When I get outside I see her sitting in a bench, she has her arms wrapped around herself and I can see her shivering from here. I take off my suit jacket and walk up to her before I drape it over her shoulders, I sit next to her.
"So............what does this mean about us?" I ask.
I see her picking at her fingers.
"I don't know Hardin, I just wanna sleep. I haven't slept in days." She mumbles
"Neither have I, I'm exhausted." I say.
We stay silent for a moment.
"Who's picking you up?" I ask.
"No one, it was supposed to be Gavin but he's not answering. Neither is Kim, I'll probably call a cap or something."
She looks back down at her hands.
"I could give you a ride, if you want." I offer.
She looks up at me and I swear for a split second I see her smile.
"I'm not sure that's a good idea." She says softly.
"And why is that?"
"Because I don't think I can resist kissing you again." She admits.
I smile.
"Then don't." I say.
"You know we can't...........until we figure out what we are we can't keep kissing.......we can't."
I know she's right, that doesn't mean I don't wanna smother her with my love until she agrees to take me back. I have to be grateful that she's at least talking to me, even if it's not what I want to here.
"I can drive you, nothing has to happen."
She looks at me again.
"Ok." She says.