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I swear my heart stoped when I saw him, he looks awful. He looks so exhausted, he probably hasn't slept in days just like me.
I just can't stay near him because no matter how angry and hurt I am it doesn't change the fact that I wanted to kiss him so badly, I wanted to run into his arms and make him promise to never hurt me again. But I couldn't do that, I couldn't let him win. Not again.
...
Zach drives slowly while I look out the window, the only reason I went to the office was so I could pick up my manuscripts. I emailed Steve and asked if I could remote work for a few days and he said yes, usually I wouldn't ask to stay home but after the weekend I've had I need the time.
I didn't expect to see Hardin, I thought for sure that he wouldn't be at work. I just can't believe he thinks I slept with Zach, not that it's any of his business who I sleep with. I just can't believe he thinks that I would sleep with Zach, we broke up two days ago. I'm not that shallow, not to mention that having sex with anyone other than Hardin doesn't sound appealing. Even though thinking about sleeping with Hardin hurts I can't deny that those were the best moments of my life, feeling his skin on mine...............I still get goosebumps thinking about it. If I close my eyes I can imagine it like it was yesterday, I still feel his lips on my neck.
"I'm sorry." Zach says.
I open my eyes and my sweet memory drifts away.
"What?" I ask.
"I'm sorry about what happened with Hardin, I didn't know he was in your office. I just thought that you would want your phone."
I do wish Zach's timing could have been better but it's not his fault, I do wish he wouldn't have mentioned his bed. I woke up screaming last night, I had a nightmare about Nick. Zach made me tea and he was able to comfort me, the only reason my phone was in his bed was because this morning while I was getting one of his sweaters from his closet I left my phone in his bed.
"Zach it's not your fault, it's just now he thinks we slept together. It's not like I would actually sleep with you."
He stays silent.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that I just........I just got out of a relationship and I'm not...........you're a good friend and I....."
I decide to shut up before I make this worse.
"It's ok Tessa, I get it."
"No that's not what I meant Zach.........you're hot and I'm pretty sure your amazing but I....."
He starts laughing.
"If you're laughing at me I swear to god I'll push you out of the car." I tease.
He looks at me and smiles.
"So I'm hot?" He teases.
I roll my eyes.
"I'm done having this conversation."
"No no, you called me hot."
"Whatever Zach."
I catch him smiling.
"Tessa I'm here as a friend, I know you still love him."
"I know, and I appreciate it. I'm just not ready for more."
"I know."
The rest of the ride is filled with small talk, I can tell he's trying to make me laugh so I don't think about what happened with Hardin.
...
3 hours later.
At Zach's apartment.
...
I've ignored 4 of Hardins phone calls, he's blowing up my phone. I have 2 voicemails from him that I refuse to listen to because I know I'll cave and call him, I just wish he understood that I need space.
I ignore his call yet again and place the phone back on the desk, I try to focus on my manuscripts but my phone starts ringing again. Without looking I answer and bring it to my ear.
"Hardin I ignored five of your calls so why can't you get the hint and leave me alone!"
"Tessa it's Kim."
Oh my god.
I cover my face with my hand in embarrassment.
"I'm so sorry Kim."
"It's fine, I just called to check up on you. Everything ok at Zach's? You know you can stay in the apartment while Gavin and I leave for vacation."
"I know but I just feel kinda weird being at your place alone, I appreciate it though. It's not bad here, Zach and I know our boundaries."
"Boundaries?" She questions.
I sigh.
"Yeah..............it's complicated."
The line goes silent for a bit.
"Tessa I'll never judge you, if you like Zach then you like him. But you just broke things off with Hardin and he's like a brother to me, I know he fucked up but maybe getting with someone else isn't the best thing."
"No I know, I don't like Zach........."
I stand up and close the bedroom door before I sit back down at the desk.
"I don't like Zach, but he's really nice and he's comforting. I don't know what I'm feeling Kim..........it's scaring me."
She sighs.
"Well I'll support you with whatever girl."
I sigh.
"I'm still in love with Hardin.................and I saw him at work today." I blurt out.
"Oh Tessa...........I'm sorry."
I stay quiet.
"Are you excited for Disney?"
I want to change the subject.
"Yeah I'm so excited, I can't wait. Gavin and I got this really great deal on this hotel room. It has mirrors on the ceiling and this heart shaped bed with.................sorry."
"No don't apologize, I'm happy for you Kim."
I hear her giggle over the phone.
"I hear wedding bells Kim." I tease and we both laugh.
"OH SHIT!" I say.
"What? What happened?" She asks.
"The wedding."
I cover my face with my hand.
"Wedding? What wedding?" She asks.
"My boss is getting married tomorrow................Hardin and I were supposed to go together, but now..............."
This is a fucking mess.
"I mean, you don't have to go." She says.
"I do, I promised someone I would be there and I can't disappoint her. But I don't have a dress or a gift..................and Hardin isn't going............and I don't wanna go alone."
"I can lend you Gavin for the night." She offers.
I can't help but laugh.
"Thanks but it's ok............I'll just be a loner at the table."
I really don't wanna go alone, it's gonna be so awkward. I know for sure that Hardin won't be there which is good cus the last thing I wanna do is see him. I guess being alone is what I need, I need to be more independent.
"Well you don't have to go." Kim says again.
"No, it's gonna be fine. I'll be fine."
"Ok well I have to go finish some packing, I'll call you tomorrow."
"Ok, bye."
"Bye."
I hang up and rest my head on the table.
No dress, no heels, no makeup, no gift.
Great.
I mean I could go to the apartment to get my toiletries and heels, I definitely have to buy a dress. But I don't wanna see him, I barely got out of the office without crying. But I need my invitation that's on the fridge, I don't know what to do. I mean I know what I need to do but I'm not sure if I can.
...
I stand up and grab my phone and purse, I slip my white sneakers back on. I leave the room and walk into the living room to find Zach playing video games on the couch. I hate video games.
That's one of the things I liked about Hardin, he isn't like other guys our age who are obsessed with video games and Tv. He likes novels and literature and art, and even though I know he would never admit it he is so smart. He's the smartest person I know.
I walk past Zach and his eyes move to mine, he looks back and forth from the Tv to me.
"What's up?" He asks.
Shooting sounds spill from the TV.
"Uh can I borrow your car? I need to go run some errands, I promise I'll be super careful."
"Yeah, here."
He reaches into his pockets and tosses me the keys before he looks back to the Tv and continues playing.
"Thanks."
I leave the apartment and take the stairs before I make it outside, it's absolutely freezing. Zach lent me a sweater this morning because Kim didn't pack one, I didn't want to wear his clothes but it was so cold that I didn't have a choice. It doesn't have the same great smell that Hardins clothes have and the smell doesn't bring me peace.
Once I get into Zach's car I immediately lock the door, I've never driven a car this expensive. I adjust the seat and turn it on.
I definitely need to go to the mall to buy a dress and a gift but should I go to the apartment to get my stuff? Kim barely grabbed much stuff and I definitely need more underwear, not to mention I'm not sure how much longer I'll be
staying at Zach's. Hardin is probably not home
because his book is releasing soon and Steve probably kept him late to work things out, he could also be out.............I don't know what he would be doing but I'm praying he's not at the apartment.
...
Once I pull into the apartment parking lot I scan for his car, I don't see it. I carefully park Zach's car before I walk inside, when I get to our.....his door I side my key in and slowly open it.
"Hello? Hardin?"
My voice echos in the apartment but no one answers, good. I put my keys and purse down before I look around, I'm overwhelmed with emotions and memories. It all hits me so fast.
The place is such a mess, there are empty cans of beer and broken glass. Dirty mugs but not a single dish.
Has he not eaten?
I look around for takeout boxes or pizza boxes but there's nothing, he hasn't eaten at all. Oh my god. My heart aches.
As an instinct I start cleaning up the kitchen, I sweep the glass and wash the mugs. I wipe the counters and put away the dishes. I walk into the living room and clean up the beer cans and straighten up the couch cushions and pillows, I fold the blankets before I sweep the floors. I walk into the bedroom and see the bed in unmade but only on my side, his side is completely untouched. The floor is covered in black shirts, I reach for one and smell it before I pick the rest up and put them in the laundry basket.
The apartment isn't perfect but it's better than what it was.
I grab my suitcase and shove the rest of my clothes inside, it pains me to leave. All I wanna do is lay in bed with Hardin, lay on his chest and let him love me. I quickly leave the room with my bag before I cry, I grab some stuff in the bathroom before I'm all packed up. I leave my bag by the door.
I can't believe he hasn't eaten, I mean I hate him but I do still love him. I fight with myself for a while before I cave and start cooking, I make a large pot of pasta with garlic bread and fried chicken before I put everything in tupperware and leave it on the counter. I want to leave a note but I decide not to, I've done more than he deserves.
I grab my bag and take one more look before I leave my key on the table and leave, this is the past and I need to move on. No matter how hard I want to forgive him, I want this all to go away. I can't let myself be used again, I won't.
I get back in the car and take a breath, I will not cry. I will not cry.
I start the car and start driving, I wanted to go to the mall but I just don't have the energy. I don't feel like doing anything. Instead I go back to Zach's apartment, I just wanna lay down.
...
When I get back to Zach's apartment I head straight to my room, I lock the door and lay down. God I just want this all to end, I'm not even going to this stupid wedding. I'll send them a card and say I was busy with family or something, I know I promised Sam that I would go but I just can't. Weddings are beautiful and emotional and I'm not sure if I can do this, it's just too much for me right now.
I can't believe I made him food, I won't lie and say that don't love him because I do. I love him so much, I just wish he loved me like I love him.
...
I don't bother showering, after the day I've had I can't do anything. I change into sweats and one of his shirts I stole before I turn the lights off and close my eyes.
I wonder where he was today, who was he with?
I hope it wasn't with a girl, but then again I'm literally living with another guy so if he wants to date other girls I guess I can't stop him. But I must admit that the thought of him being with anyone else pains me, that he'll touch another woman the way he touched me, kiss her like he kisses me, look at her with the passion and hunger the way he looked at me.
I hadn't realized I was crying until I feel my wet pillow beneath me.
"I just hope he isn't having sex.............please." I tell the universe.
I beg the universe that he's not sleeping with someone, beg that he's home alone eating what I made him.
But then again I told myself I was moving on, but I already know the truth. I will never move on, Hardin has permanently engraved himself within me and I will never love another man the way I love him. No one will ever replace my stubborn, annoying, brooding bad boy.
I just hope he thinks the same about me.