I sat in one of Tony's meeting rooms. Natasha, Banner, Clint, Steve, and Tony all sat around the table. Fury walked around the room. They were all asking me a thousand questions about being at the Hydra compound. I just closed my eyes as they discussed amongst themselves.
The issue was I had no way of answering their questions. My memories were back but the ones I had from being in Hydra were gone. I knew the Winter Soldier existed. I was told I was tested on by Hydra. Other then that...I remembered nothing. Somehow they managed to erase anything Hydra related from my memories. Everything but the torture.
They had updated me on the situation. I had gone missing six months ago. Taken from the Shield headquarters here in New York. That made me feel uneasy. How easy it was for them to take me. The doctor I was with there was dead, however after they got me out they came back to search the building. By that point everyone left was gone.
I put my head into my hands and let out a sigh. They told me the Winter Soldier helped me escape. It was suspicious so they needed to know why.
"I already told you I don't remember anything." I said, "I don't even remember being tested on by Hydra as a kid."
"You need to think, Black." Fury spoke up. His tone serious and demeaning.
I turned my head to Fury. Glaring at him. I was getting tired. Just trying to think about everything hurt my head.
"All I know is he had a metal arm. His face was covered." I was frustrated. Trying to think back just felt like a tv screen with static. Images, but not a full picture. My headache was getting worse. I let out a slight groan as I rolled my head back and closed my eyes. I opened them looking up at the ceiling. The bright light reminded me of sitting in that chair in Hydra, getting brainwashed.
"They tutored me." I said quietly, "I don't know what I did to make it happen. But the Winter Soldier just stood outside the door as I screamed for my life." I turned my head to Fury. He clenched his jaw. His eye narrowing down to me, "You want to know what I remember Fury? I remember feeling like I was in hell. My brain being completely destroyed. My entire body being ruined from the inside out."
I took a deep breath as the other looked down at the ground. I could feel pity they all felt. I looked over at Tony as his face just looked like he wanted to kill someone. I couldn't sit there anymore. I stood up and walked away, everyone's eyes following me. I slammed the door behind me.
I stood outside on the balcony. Arm crossed over my chest. I felt numb now. At this point i would have rather go back to not talking at this point. At least in those few moments eating ice cream with Tony, I had a bit of calm. I heard the door slide open behind me. I turned my head as Steve stood at the door. I just turned my head looking back down onto the busy streets of New York.
Steve walked up and stood next to me. "Tony agreed to just let you keep a file on whatever you can remember. That way we don't have to keep going through meeting after meeting."
I nodded my head not locking my eyes away. I watched the people move below me. All I wanted at this point was to be like them. Without a care in the world. My mind immediately shifted to Bucky. What out life could have been like if we could just live like normal people.
"You're doing okay?" Steve ask, finally turning to me.
"No." I said simply. I took a sharp breath before turning to Steve. He looked down at me noticing the puzzled look on my face. "A part of me doesn't want to remember anything. Just keep it locked in a box forever. However, there's a small part of me that's screaming that I need to remember."
Steve shifted a bit, looking quizzical. "What would be worth remembering the torture?"
I looked back out at the skyscrapers around us. The sun began to set, giving the sky a beautiful orange hue. I let out a long sigh. I closed my eyes. Tears falling down my face. Steve noticed I was crying. He quickly pulled me into a hug. Everything was hitting me at once.
I never really got a second to fully process what happened. The torture, the mind wipe. Having to gain my memories back. What hurt me the most was for a while I had forgotten about Bucky. There was a moment I didn't know who he was. Now that the memories of us are back, I questioned if I wanted to spoil the good ones with whatever Hydra had hid.
"I don't know what to do." I cried. "I feel like my mind is split in half."
"Just do what you think is right. We'll be here for you no matter what." Steve replied.
I nodded my head against his chest. Slowly pulling away I looked back towards the New York skyline. I wrapped my arms around myself as a shiver hit my body. I bit my lip as Steve looked over at me studying my movements.
"Something else bothering you?" He asked.
I stayed silent for a while. Not even wanting the thought to cross my mind. However, it was forcing its way through. Fury had mentioned there was a moment where they caught my image at a Hotel in Russia. When they sent agent to check they saw it was an assassination attempt. However, they had no proof that I was the one involved. They assumed it was just the Winter Soldiers doing.
"I was there for a while, Steve." I said quietly. Not looking away from the calm and beautiful sight in front of me. Giving me a sense of peace against my disturbed thoughts.
"How much blood was spilled with my hands?" I asked mostly to myself.
Steve stood silently. Giving me the same thinned lip look he had been giving me. I took a deep breath as he placed a hand on my shoulder. Squeezing it tightly in comfort. There was nothing for him to say. Nothing would comfort me from that.
I woke up that night the same way I had been waking up since I got here. A nightmare. The memory showing up in pieces. I remembered being trapped in a room by Hydra. I remember the doctor grabbing my neck. The agents dragging me to the cell. The images flipped like static.
I walked up to the cell looking in, seeing the dark figure sitting in the corner of the cell. I felt my heart racing. My breathing becoming short. The man stood up, his face hidden within the darkness. The only thing that stood out was his metal arm.
I shot up on the floor of my room. For the first night in a while I wasn't screaming. I began to catch my breath. Closing my eyes and trying to calm my brain. I could feel another headache coming in. I sat up fully, leaning my arm against my knee. My hair fell across my shoulders. I was so tired of this. Of everything.
I got up and began to walk down the stairs and to the kitchen. It was early. So either Tony was still asleep, or working elsewhere. He had allowed me to continue staying at the Avengers Tower with him. He claims its just easier this way. With me being taken from within Shield and all. However, I could tell he was getting attached.
I grabbed a water bottle out of the fridge. When I turned around I noticed the holo-table in the living room begin to light up. I stared at it for a second.
Did I really want to go down this path? Force the memories to return? What if it was something I didn't want to remember? I couldn't help but wonder that it wasn't Hydra's wiping that made me forget, but my own subconscious protecting me.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I opened them up nodding my head slowly.
"Jarvis." I called out.
"Yes, Ms. Black." A man's voice spoke out above me. Just A Rather Very Intelligent System. The AI Tony built into the house and into Tony's suits. He was rather useful. Oddly enough his British accent brought some class into Tony's crazy world.
"Open up the files for Hydra and the Winter Soldier." I asked. I watched as holographic images appeared in front of me. One side for each file. I brought my hand up and began flipping through the Hydra files. I read up on what Shield had kept about me. The things I told them Hydra did.
I flipped over to the Winter Soldier. There was almost nothing about him. Just what kind of skills he had. What he had taught me. I remembered Natasha telling me once that most people believed he was a ghost legend. Until I had joined Shield no one believed he existed. I could see why. With the file being pretty much empty it was obvious he had kept himself well hidden.
"Jarvis can you start a sketch." I said.
"On who, Ms. Black." Jarvis asked me.
"On the Winter Soldier." I took a deep breath as I began to describe what I could remember. There wasn't much to him. Dark brown hair, metal arm. Black goggles and mask hiding his face.
I heard the door open behind me. I turned my eyes over as Tony began to walk in. I could see the arc reactor shining through his shirt. He tossed his keys onto the kitchen counters and walked over to the fridge.
"I'm thinking Chinese tonight. Any suggestions on what to order?" He asked. He turned around. His eyes shifted to the screen, stopping the water bottle at his lips. He watched as Jarvis finished his sketch. Tony's eyes just stared at it concerned.
"Keeping busy are we?" He asked as he walked up. I just nodded before looking back at the screen. Tony set his water bottle onto the counter. I just didn't say anything. Just trying to wrap my head around it all. Tony let out a deep sigh as he crossed his arms over his chest.
"You want my opinion?" Tony asked.
"If I say no you're going to give it to me anyways." I joked. Tony rolled his eyes and turned to me. He squinted his eyes slightly and giving me a serious look.
"I don't like it. You digging around into a place that hurt you. I say keep that lock shut and forget about it."
I nodded my head and looked down at the ground. He had a point. He had been thinking what I had been this past week. However there was one issue.
I took a deep breath, "I really wish I could. However, Hydra took me from Shield." I turned to Tony, keeping my stance tall.
"And we put a stop to them."
"Cut of the head, two more shall take its place." I repeated their moto to Tony. He just clenched his jaw, not looking away from me. "What if there's more of them, Tony. If there is a memory hidden somewhere that can keep us all protected...then I need to do that. Its my duty as a Shield agent."
Tony let out a long sigh and looked away from me. I could tell he still wasn't okay with it. I turned back to the picture Jarvis had drawn up. My eyes followed each line. I hoped I could trigger something. Another memory maybe.
"Besides...Hydra used something against me to keep me there." I continued. I turned my head back to Tony, crossing my arms over my chest. My hands clutched tightly on my arms.
"And it has something to do with him."
I stared up at the picture once more as Tony stayed silent beside me. There was something in my heart telling me I needed to pursue this. Something almost screaming at me to not stop. I was going to figure it out. One way or another.
I was going to remember the Winter Soldier.