⚠️SENSITIVE WORDS⚠️
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I sit on the couch and finish the rest of my muffin, once I'm finished I grab a tissue and wipe my mouth. I fold it into a heart before I place it back on the table, my mom would always pack my lunch for school and she would fold my napkins into hearts before she put them in my lunchbox. I always found it cute so I asked her to teach me, I do it all the time now. Once I made lunch for Hardin and folded his napkin into a heart, he was so mesmerized by it that he asked me to teach him. It took him like 30 minutes to learn and at the end we had about 20 crumpled napkins but he was so proud he learned.
I wipe the tears forming in the corners of my eyes.
Gosh I just miss him, I hate him and love him and miss him.
I stand up and throw the wrapper from my muffin in the trash, Gavin walks back into the kitchen and starts filling a pot with water.
"Are you cooking?" I ask.
"Yeah, I know Kim is tired and she'll probably be hungry when she gets back. I wanna have something ready for her."
I swear Gavin is the sweetest, he's such a good boyfriend.
"I can help if you want." I offer.
"It's ok, you've been through a lot lately. You can relax, I'll be done fast."
"You sure?"
"Yeah, I like to cook anyway. I mean I am a culinary major."
"Wait what, really? Kim never told me that, I thought you worked in advertising?"
He chuckles.
"I do work in advertising cus it's the family business, but cooking is my passion so I went to school for it. My dream is to open a restaurant of my own, but I guess we'll see."
He grabs two onions and stars cutting them.
"Well I'm excited to try your food, I'm sure it will be amazing."
He smiles.
I walk into the living room and sit on the couch, I look out the window and see that snow has finally stopped. I thought it would never stop, it's not even December and it's already snowed so much. Thanksgiving is in a week and I have no idea what I'm doing, Hardin and I were supposed to go together but I'm not sure I can face my family alone. I already know my mom will go full interrogation mode and force the truth out of me, and I was excited to go with Hardin. I was excited for him to meet the rest of my family, I'm happy he hasn't though. The less people that know about him the better, cleaning up this mess is gonna take longer than I thought.
A knock at the door disrupts my thoughts, my heart drops at the thought that it's Hardin. Kim has a key...........so she's not the one at the door.
Gavin walks into the living room and gives me a confused look.
"What if its him." I say softly.
Give gives me a warm look.
"Don't worry, I won't let him in.........unless you want me to?"
I'm not in a place to make decisions so I shake my head no.
He walks to the door and opens it, I relieved and also worried to see that it's Zach.
"What are you doing here man?" Gavin questions.
"I left my wallet here yesterday night." Zach says.
He looks past Gavin and see me, we make eye contact and I quickly look away.
"Tessa.......can I talk to you, please." Zach begs.
I don't know what to do, I want answers and Zach can give me them.
"Look man, now isnt a good time." Gavin says.
"No, it's ok. I wanna talk to him." I say.
Gavin slowly moves out of the way and let's Zach in, Zach walks up to me and sits on the couch. Gavin closes the door.
"I'm gonna be in the kitchen if you need me Tessa."
"Ok, thank you."
He leaves and now it's just Zach and I, I play with a loose string on my sleeve.
"I'm sorry Tessa, I'm so sorry."
"Yeah well sorry doesn't make it any better Zach, I thought you were my friend. There was a time I liked you Zach, I went on a date with you. I know I chose Hardin but...............I still cared for you."
I look up at him and see the pain in his face.
"Tessa I know, I should have told you. I was going to but he stopped me...............and then I was a coward and left."
I look at him.
"What? You tried to tell me when?" I question.
He sighs.
"A few days ago, I was waiting outside your class. I was gonna tell you everything but then Hardin showed up and............he threatened me that if I told you.......it doesn't matter. The guilt was eating at me and I wasn't even the one who.................I knew it was wrong, I should have did something to stop them but I didn't...I'm sorry."
I can't believe this, Zach was gonna tell me. That's why Hardin was acting so strange that day, if he hadn't showed up then Zach would have told me.
"Look Zach, you were still a part of the bet. Even if you weren't trying to sleep with me you still bet money, you still stayed there and let them talk bad about me. You knew he was just using me and you didn't stop it, you're not innocent."
"I know, and I regret not doing anything but like I told you yesterday I pulled out of the bet before anything even happened. As soon as I realized that I .............liked you, I pulled out and told Sam to stop the bet but she wouldn't listen. I figured that if you and I worked out then the bet wouldn't matter because I wasn't a part of it, then you told me you were in love with Hardin and I................I didn't know what to do. And I didn't know that you were..............taken advantage of.....I found that out the other night, and the day he came into the apartment going on about how he won I left before I heard anything, I didn't hear any details or things about you. I knew it was wrong and I should have done something..............I wish I did do something."
I don't even know what to believe anymore, I believe him. Maybe it's my gut or maybe it's my constant need to see the good in everyone, I want to believe Zach but why didn't he do anything. I suppose he did warn me in his own cryptic ways, he would constantly tell me to be careful and to not trust Hardin. I should have put the pieces together.
"Yeah well you still hung out with Sam and Chase, you knew he was using me and you would listen to me go on and on about how much I loved him and about happy I was. You should have said something."
"I know.........trust me I do. I hung out with Sam and Chase so I could find out what was happening between you and Hardin, I know it's bad but I was jealous.........I'm sorry."
This is too much to take in at once, I cover my face with my hands and close my eyes.
The apartment door opens I look up and see Kim walk in, she's holding my backpack.
"Zach? What the hell are you doing here?" Kim questions.
"No Kim it's ok, we were just talking." I say.
I don't know why I defend Zach but I do, she hands my bag.
"Thank you so much Kim.............was he there?" I ask.
"Yeah, and I'm pretty sure he'll be here any minute." She says.
"WHAT? Why?" I question.
"You know Hardin, he's literally a child who doesn't take no for an answer. Unless you're ready to talk to him I think you should hide or something."
Gavin walks into the room and I must face three sets of eyes waiting for me to decide my life.
"I........I don't have anywhere else to go."
"You can come to my place." Zach says.
"Ok clam down there Prince Charming, she just had her heart broken. Why don't you wait a few days before you dive head first into her pants." Kim says.
"No that's not what I meant, my roommate just moved out and I have an empty room. You can crash there until you decide what you're doing, I promise no funny business." Zach defends.
I look at Kim and she shakes her head, I know I shouldn't go with Zach but I can't see Hardin right now. I just can't.
"Are you sure Zach?" I ask.
"Yeah."
"I'll be right down, can you give me a minute?"
"Yeah, I'll wait in the car."
"Zach if you do anything or hurt her in anyway Hardin won't be your biggest problem." Gavin threatens.
Zach grabs my bag and grabs his wallet from the coffee table before he heads downstairs.
"Tess are you sure about this? Alone at his apartment, that's not safe." Gavin says.
"Look I know this is the brightest idea I've had but I'm out of options, I'll be fine. I trust him, I don't know why but I do."
Kim gives me a worried look before she wraps her arms around me and pulls me into a hug.
"If you need anything just call me ok." Kim says.
"I know, I will. Thank you guys for everything."
I smile before I leave the apartment and close the door behind me, I walk down the starts and leave the through the main doors. I look around before I see his white Mercedes Benz, he's waiting outside the car. He opens the door for me and I get inside, the seats are so comfy and the car still smells amazing like it did the first time. He gets inside and hands me my bag before he starts driving, I reach into my front pocket and pull out my phone.
Five missed calls from my mom, great.
I put my phone away and close my eyes.
"Are you cold? Or warm? I could turn the AC on or off." Zach says nervously.
"I'm ok, thanks."
I watch as we pass familiar stores, coffee shops where Hardin and I kissed secretly between book shelves, stores where he bought me books, restaurants where we ate, places we went on dates. Seeing all these places brings back so many memories and my emotions get the best of me, I don't wanna cry in front of Zach....enough people have seen me vulnerable. I just can't help it.
I sniffle before I wipe my tears with my sleeves.
"Tessa? Are you alright?" Zach asks.
"Just keep driving..........I'm fine."
I try to take a deep breath, to calm myself down. I need to start moving on, I can't keep reliving the past. I need to put myself first and stop trying to justifying what he did, yes he made me feel the most alive I've ever felt in my entire life and he made me more confident and happy but I have to realize that no matter how much I want to believe that it was real I can't. None of it was real, and even if it was it doesn't matter. He hurt me, he betrayed me. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness or my love.
...
After driving for thirty minutes Zach pulls into an apartment complex, I don't realize at first but this place is super close to mine and Hardins apartment............his apartment.
This place is nice.
He parks in a spot before he runs around and opens my door for me.
"Thanks." I say.
He grabs my bag, we walk out of the parking garage and walk into the apartment lobby. Once we take the elevator to his floor he opens the boor and I'm immediately greeted with a very dirty apartment.
I laugh at the mess, I don't think I've laughed in a while.
"Sorry, my roommate usually cleaned.........if I had know your were coming I would have cleaned up a bit."
I can't help but giggle as he attempts to hide the boxers hanging on the lamp.
"I appreciate you letting me stay here Zach."
"Of course, I owe you. I owe you a lot more than this............Tess look."
"Zach.....can you just call me Tessa please............and I don't wanna talk about the bet anymore...please."
"Yeah of course, I'm sorry Tess....Tessa."
"It's ok."
The truth is that every time I hear someone call me Tess I'm immediately reminded of Hardin, I liked when he called me Tess and hearing other people call me that just isn't the same.
Zach and I awkwardly stare at each other.
"I'll.........I'll show you the room, it's right down here."
I follow him down the hallway, as we walk by I look into an open room. There's open books everywhere and papers on the floor, white shirts and socks are scattered on the floor. The bed in unmade and there are millions of half filled water bottles everywhere.
Zach quickly closes the door.
"That's my room, it's a little bit of a mess." He nervously laughs.
"A little?" I tease.
We both share a laugh, it feels good to laugh.
He leads me down the hallway and opens a closed door, I'm greeted with grey walls and and a queen size bed with grey sheets and a grey comforter. The room is tiny but it has a huge window with an absolutely magnificent view, there's a desk and a few posters on the wall. It's nice, cozy, but it's not home.
"It's not much but...."
"It's perfect, thank you Zach."
"Yeah............I'll let you get settled."
"Thanks."
He leaves the room and closes the door behind him, I sit in the bed and place my bag next to me. I close my eyes and take a breath.
"Everything will be fine Tessa...........just fine." I say to myself.
I just wish I could believe what I was saying.
My phone starts to vibrate, I open the front pocket of my bag and pull out my phone. His name and face flash on the screen, I try to swallow the lump in my throat. I can't answer this, I want to but I can't. He can't know he has this much control over me.
I place the phone down on the bed and let it ring out, I wipe the corners of my eyes. Finally his name disappears and my phone stops vibrating, I hope he's ok............no I don't...........yes I do.
I put my phone on the nightstand before I open up my bag and pull out my laptop, thank god she grabbed this. I open it and check my schedule, god I have work tomorrow.
Great.
I close my laptop and grab my bag and phone, I leave the room and wander around until I find the bathroom. I lock the door before I turn the water on to get hot, I take off my clothes and stare at my body in the mirror.
I can't believe there used to be a time where his lips once blessed every part of my body, he would kiss me and tell me how beautiful I was. Tell me how much he loved me, and how much he loved my body.
I try not to think about the moments where his body was pressed up against mine, he would run his legs up against mine and spread my thighs open with his knee. He would run his hands up my body and grind his hips against mine while his legs would intertwine with mine, his lips would kiss mine in a magical way that only he could. His kisses felt amazing......like something I can't describe.
But my favorite part will always be when his hands ran up my arms and reached my hands, his finger would interlock with mine and he would press my hands up against the bed. I always found that so intimate and beautiful, or when he would kiss my neck and my chest and my shoulders..............when he would look me in the eyes while he slowly entered me...........and in those moments I truly believed he loved me.
And now I'm here, crying. And he's probably out there screwing some skinny bitch in our bed, in our apartment.
My phone vibrates and I see his face pop up, I decline the call before I shut my phone off.
Fuck him.
I step into the shower and let the hot water burn my skin, I look around for soap and see one single bottle of mens 3 in one body, hair and face wash.
Men, I swear to god.
I reach for the bottle and to my surprise it's empty, I shake my head before I put the bottle back and turns off the water. I guess I have to go out and buy some stuff, god things were just so much easier before.
I step out of the shower and look for a towel, I wrap my arms around myself. There aren't any in here, I creek the door open a bit.
"Zach!"
"Yeah?"
"Do you have a towel or something..........I'm freezing!"
"Shit......yeah give me a second."
I stand here with my arms wrapped around myself waiting for him, a few seconds later I hear a knock at the door.
"I......I have a towel........I swear my eyes are shut...should I just leave it out here?" He asks innocently.
I giggle before I crack the door open, he reaches his hand in and gives me the towel I quickly close the door and lock it.
"Thanks."
"Yeah."
I wrap the towel around myself and dry off before I reach into my bag and pull out a pair of underwear, I slip them on before I put on a pair of sweatpants and a shirt. I look in the mirror and it takes me a second to realize that this is Hardins shirt, I lift the material up to my nose and his smell consumes me. I pull the shirt back down and quickly pack my stuff, I put on a pair of socks before I leave the bathroom and walk back to my room. I put my bag down before I walk out and look around the apartment.
I lean my ear against Zach's door, my attempt to be nosy back fires when he opens the door and I almost fall into his room, lucky he catches me and I quickly stand up.
"I was just..............just.........."
"Being nosy." He jokes.
"Yes.....NO....no I was just..."
I cover my face with my hands in embarrassment, he laughs.
"It's fine Tessa."
We both awkwardly stand in his bedroom, I look around and see movie posters on his wall.
"Woah, you like marvel! I love marvel so much, my favorite avenger is Winter Soldier." I say.
I examine his poster.
"Winter soldier is every girl's favorite." Zach teases.
I look at him.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"All girls like him cus he's "hot"."
I roll my eyes.
"And let me guess your favorite is Black widow cus shes hot?"
He smiles.
"Yup."
I shake my head before I look back at the posters.
I travel around his room and examine every aspect, his room matches his personality.
"So I was gonna order a pizza, we can get something else if you're hungry?" He asks.
"Pizza is good, I can pay if you want." I offer.
He's letting me stay here so the least I can do is pay for pizza.
"Not a chance, I'm buying."
I nod my head.
We walk into the living room and I sit on the couch while he orders, once he's done we both awkwardly sit. I grab one of the pillows and clutch it in my arms, we sit in silence for 10 minutes.
"Thanks for letting me stay here, I promise I'll figure something out and be gone soon."
"It's really ok, ever since John moved out it's been pretty lonely."
"Why did he leave?" I ask.
He sighs.
"He recently broke up with his girlfriend because he fell in love with another woman, he moved in with her."
"Oh my gosh, that's crazy."
He scoots closer to me.
"Love makes people do crazy things." He says.
I look away and lightly pick at my fingers.
"I don't believe in love............I mean I used to......but not anymore." I say sadly.
"I know he hurt you.........but you can't just give up on love entirely." He says sweetly.
"You don't understand, when you love someone so deeply and so purely...........I would have died for him, done anything for him.......just to find out it was all a lie. That he shared it all amongst his friends, love isn't real Zach. Some things are meant to only exist between pages of a book."
I start to cry so I stand up and walk to the kitchen, I grab a napkin and dry my eyes. I feel his presence behind me, I slowly turn around and face him.
"I'm sorry Tessa, I didn't mean to make you cry."
"It's fine, I've been crying for the past two days..........I'm just really emotional..........I'm broken." I nervously laugh.
He reaches for my hand and takes it in his.
"That's the beautiful part, when something breaks it isn't broken. It just becomes a new masterpiece, something new to love."
He looks at me so intensely that I can't look away.
A knock at the door disrupts us and I pull my hand away, that was weird.
...
I eat half a slice and we watch soccer, it reminds me of him.
...
"Well I'm a bit tired, I have work tomorrow."
"Yeah of course, I'll clean up here." He says.
"Are you sure? I can help." I offer.
"No it's ok, you should get some rest. I'll see you in the morning.
"Ok, night."
I smile.
"Night."
He smiles.
I walk back to my room and lock the door before I lay down, I know I won't sleep.
I consider turning my phone on but I decide against it.
Instead I close my eyes and hope that sleep comes to me, tomorrow I'm probably gonna have to see him and I need all the energy I can get.