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⚠️SENSITIVE WORDS⚠️
I was awake the whole night, I couldn't sleep. My brain was too clouded with memories, fake memories.
No matter how many times I tried to stop crying I couldn't, I couldn't stop crying for the man who didn't love me. Who only used me for my body, some sex doll. And the worst part is that he went as far as to buy an apartment, live together. He met my fucking parents, my mom talks about him all the time..........and now I have to face the embarrassment of telling my mother about what he did.
No.......I can't. I can't tell her, I'll just say we broke things off........I don't even know.
I cover my face with my hands.
OH MY GOD!
The pictures.............the naked Polaroids we took together.
He probably showed them to everyone, oh my god.
The tears start again because apparently I'm a fucking baby, I just can't believe this is all happening.
...
I stare at the white walls of the guest room, I feel so dead. I have no energy, no will go live. No will to do anything, I just want to sleep. I desperately want sleep, but I've become attached to the pleasure of sleeping with him and now I can't sleep alone. So pathetic.
I'm exhausted, mentally and physically. At least it's the weekend so I don't have work or school, I also don't have a place to live and all my shit is at the apartment. Not to mention I don't even remember what I did with my phone..............oh wait.........I gave it to him after we.................we..............after he used me one last time in Kim's guest room.
I can't believe I told him I loved him..............I told him I loved him so much, I must have boosted his ego so much every time I confessed my feelings to him. And to think I believed him when he said it back, I wanted it to be real. I wanted to be loved so badly that I accepted his shitty promises and lies. I can't help but defend him, why take me to Broadway, why buy me all this shit.............I wonder what he used the money for..........I don't even care. I hope the money was worth ruining my life.
...
I'm able to force myself out of bed and into the bathroom.
Holy shit, I look like I got hit by a bus. My eyes are sunken in and my skin is pale and dry, my lips are red and bloody from me picking at them. My hair looks like a rats nest and my overall appearance is...............mortifying.
I don't even recognize myself, what the hell happened to me.
...
I look through the bathroom drawers and find a hair tie, I put my hair up into a bun and splash some water on my face. I change back into my dress, it smells like him. His smell gives me a moment of relief and for just a second I forget everything and just imagine that his arms are wrapped around me.
My moment quickly ends when I open my eyes and remember how much of a monster he is, I look away from the mirror and leave the bathroom. I make the bed and make sure the room I clean, I nearly fold the clothes Daisy lent me and leave the pile on the bed. I quietly leave the room making sure not to wake anyone, it's 5am. I couldn't lay in that bed, I need to get out of here.
I tiptoe into the main area of the apartment, my heels don't help. I see Daisy sitting on the couch in a pale pink press with white heels, her hair is softly curled and her face is bare but her natural beauty is breathtaking. Her freckles and green eyes along with her black hair make her look like a goddess, wow.
She looks up at me and smiles.
"Morning Tessa, isn't quit early."
"Morning............yeah I........I couldn't sleep."
She gives me a worried look before she puts down her cup of coffee down in the table.
"Do you want some coffee dear?" She offers.
"Sure."
I follow her into the kitchen, everything is marble and gorgeous. I sit down in one of the stools next to the counter while she makes the coffee. Chris walks into the kitchen wearing a suit, he sneaks up behind Daisy and kisses her neck before he wraps his arms around her.
"Chris!" She playfully shrieks.
They both laugh before she turns around and kisses him, it's like they get lost in each other.
I wish I was Daisy, god she's perfect. She had everything that I want, she's so damn lucky.
"You want coffee honey?" Daisy asks.
"No that's ok, I'll pick some up before my meeting with Stan. I might be home late again."
"That's fine, I'll see you them. Have a good day, I love you."
They kiss once more.
"I love you more Dais."
He kisses her once more before he grabs an apple.
"Morning Tessa."
"Morning." I say.
He smiles before he leaves the kitchen and heads out the door.
"Dais?" I question.
Daisy laughs before she hands me my cup.
"He calls me that all the time, I absolutely hate it but he loves to torture me. He's been calling me that since high school." She smiles.
I know that much too well, when someone pushes your buttons in the best way possible. I loved when Hardin nagged me, as much as I hated when he called me Theresa I can't deny that my stomach fluttered and my heart raced. I love it...............I loved him...........everything about him. And that's what makes this so fucking hard.
I slowly sip my coffee.
Daisy sits across from me.
"What happened? Did Hardin do something?"
I sigh.
"I don't really wanna talk about it.................he hurt me......that's all."
I don't know who I can trust anymore and I'm not about to tell Daisy that the man I was in love with betrayed me in such an awful horrible way.
"Physically?" She questions.
"No......god no........he would never hurt me like that. He would never."
No matter how much I hate him and feel so hurt I know that he would never raise a finger at me, he would never.
"I understand you don't wanna talk about it, is there anything I can do?" She asks.
"Could I borrow you phone, I need to call a friend."
"Of course."
She walks over to her Gucci purse and pulls out her I phone, she hands it's to me.
"Take all the time you need, I'm gonna go get Emma ready for school."
"Thank you."
I smile.
She leaves the kitchen, I stare down at my coffee before I slide the cup to the side and pick up her phone.
I don't even know who to call.
I want to call Kim because apparently she's the only person I can trust, but I don't know if I can face her. Not after the embarrassment I faced last night, I was exposed in front of everyone. She knows what Nick did, what if she sees me differently. What if she judges me, thinks I'm a liar.
I hesitate to call her, I cave and dial her number.
The phone rings twice before she answers.
"Hello?"
"Kim."
I try to sound strong but my aching heart gets the best of me.
"Tessa? Is that you?"
"Yeah, I'm borrowing someone's phone."
I try my best not to cry but I just can't hold it in.
"Where are you? I'm coming to get you." She says.
"I'm at my friend Chris house, he let me spend the night. It's the apartment complex across Green Cafe."
"Chris?"
"He's a friend from work, I'll explain later."
"Ok, I'll be there in five minutes."
"Thank you."
I hang up the phone and gently place it on the counter.
I take a breath before I stand up and walk into the living room.
"Daisy?" I call out.
"I'm in Emma's room, you can come in."
I walk down the hall until I reach the room from yesterday, the walls are pink and the ceiling's are high.
"Morning Tessa." Emma chirps.
"Morning."
I watch as Daisy pulls two dresses from Emma's closet.
"Now Emy it is cold out so you'll have to wear pantyhose and your jacket along with your winter boots, do you want to wear the red dress or the blue?" Daisy asks.
Emma looks at both dresses before she looks at me.
"Red, I want to match Tessa." She says sweetly.
I smile.
"Good choice." Her mother says.
I leave the room and wait in the living room, Daisy walks out.
"My friend is coming to get me, thank you so much for letting me spend the night."
"Please there's no need to thank me, come back if you need anything."
"Thank you."
I begin to walk towards the door but Daisy stops me.
"Just be careful, some people aren't meant to be forgiven." She says.
I don't say anything because I know she's right, I leave the apartment and take the elevator downstairs. Once the doors open the cold air hits me, I quickly wraps my arms around myself. I can't believe it's still snowing.
I see Kims car and I quickly open the door and get inside, I close the door and look to the side excepting to see Kim. Instead it's Gavin in the drivers seat.
"Gavin?"
"Hey Tessa..........Kim wanted to come but she's really hung over and I didn't want her to drive."
"Oh. That's ok, thanks for getting me."
"Yeah."
This is going to be the most awkward car ride ever.
...
5 minutes go by and neither one has said a thing, I just hate how everyone knows I was raped. That was supposed to be kept a secret, between me and Hardin. Now it feels like the whole world knows now, I feel so open and exposed. I feel like I'm not even my own person anymore, I'm just a doormat for people to walk all over.
...
Once back at their apartment I walk through the door and see Kim sitting on the couch.
"I'm gonna go run a few errands, I'll be back soon babe." Gavin says.
"Ok, drive safe. Love you." Kim says.
"Love you." He answers back.
He leaves the apartment and I immediately run to the couch into Kim's arms, I start crying and she gently runs her hand up and down my back.
"I'm so sorry Tessa, I'm so so sorry."
I can't form words, all I can do is cry and hope that the pain will go away.
...
I look at her and she gives me a worried look.
"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks.
I do, I so desperately want to talk about it but I can't. I can't talk about it because if I do I will fall apart.
"No."
I look down at my dress.
"Why don't you change, I laid some clothes out for you in the guest room."
"Ok."
I slowly stand up and walk over to guest room, as soon as I open the door I'm hit with a whirlpool of memories. All I can see is Hardin and I having sex on that bed, I'm frozen.
That fucking asshole.
I quickly snap out of it and change into the sweats and socks she lent me, I really gotta get my own clothes.
I walk out into the living room, Kim pulls the blanket back and taps the couch next to her.
"Sit."
I sit next to her and she covers me with the blanket.
"Whenever you're ready we can talk, for now we are gonna watch movies and eat fatty foods. I texted Gavin to bring us ice cream."
"Thanks Kim."
I look down and pick at my fingers, Hardin and I were supposed to go to Central Park today. We were supposed to go on a carriage ride and build a snowman, now I'm here with a hole in my heart.
I can still smell him, I swear I'm going crazy but I swear I can smell him everywhere.
I just wish this never happened, I wish none of this happened. I wish I never met him, I wish things could be different. But now I'm here................and he's probably out there fucking Sam and getting drunk.
"Ooo, you wanna watch 13 going on 30? I love that movie." Kim says.
I get a flash back to watching that movie with him, my head in his lap while he played with my hair.
"Tess?"
"Yeah sure, I don't care."
She puts down the remote and takes my hands.
"Look I know you don't wanna talk but I really think you should, Tessa you can trust me."
"I don't know who I can trust anymore Kim, I thought I could trust him.................but look what happened...........look what he did."
"I know and I'm so sorry, I didn't know this was happening. I should have never let you date him, I thought he was changing. I thought you were changing him, but this................I can't believe he did this to you. But I do think he loves you.............I know what he did is awful and I completely agree if you never wanna talk to him again. But I've never seen him like this...................he's a fucking bastard and an asshole and he's disgusting but, I do think he loves you."
"No he doesn't, he wouldn't have done this to me.............Kim he told them I was raped.........I trusted him with my secret, my own parents didn't even know, no one knew except him and now......now everyone knows."
"I.................I'm sorry." She says.
"And now I have no idea what to do, I have to see him at work and school and all my stuff is at the apartment.....I have nowhere to live and I........................I don't think I can get past this."
Once again I start crying and she wraps her arms around me.
"Tessa you can stay here as long as you need."
"I really appreciate it Kim, but I can't stay here. He'll know I'm here, I never wanna see him ever again and I know he's gonna come looking for me.........just to twist the knife deeper."
"What are you gonna do? Buy a new apartment?"
"No, I signed those damn lease papers with Him. I can't buy anything or rent as long as my name is on those papers, I should have know this was all part of his plan."
"You couldn't have anticipated all of this Tessa, no one could have saw this coming. I just hate him, after everything I did for that son of a bitch he does this. And after he promised he would never hurt you, such a liar."
She looks down and my eyes follow hers to her hand, her knuckles are bruised.
"Kim what the hell happened?"
"Oh.........I punched Sam in the face, I also slapped Hardin."
"Good."
The thought of him getting slapped hurts me, even though he deserves a lot worse that a slap.
"Tessa I'm so sorry about Sam, she's evil."
"She's your sister."
"No she's not, that bitch is not my blood. My dad re married, Sam was just some extra baggage that came with my stepmom. I hate Sam more than anyone, I can't believe she did this."
That makes more sense, I always wondered how Kim and Sam were related when Kim is an Angel and Sam is the Devil.
"I promise you'll get through this Tessa."
"No I won't, I love him Kim. I fell in love with him, and all the shit we did together...................and he told me he loved me.........and to find out he was using me the whole time......that he was telling people every detail of our sex life......that none of my most intimate moments are mine......and my underwear and the condom. What kind of monster does that.............and the pictures."
"Pictures? What pictures?" She questions.
I look at her and just by my face she already knows.
"You guys took....................oh my god." She says under her breath.
"Yeah." I say helplessly.
"And he showed them the pictures?"
"I don't know, probably. I wouldn't put it past him."
I wipe my tears with the sleeve of my shirt.
"Do you have tissues?" I ask.
"Yeah, I'll grab them."
She gets up from the couch and disappears into the bathroom before she walks out with a box, she sits next to me and hands me the box. I blow my nose.
"Thanks." I say.
"Of course."
I hear keys in the door, Gavin walks in holding a brown paper grocery bag. His eyes meet Kim's and he smiles the most beautiful love filled smile I've ever seen, Kim jumps up from the couch and runs into his arms. He kisses her before he kisses her cheek.
"I missed you bub." She says.
"I missed you more kimmy." He says playfully.
They both smile, I look away and start picking at my fingers again. I've never been a jealous or envious person but if I see one more happy couple I'm gonna kill myself.
Suddenly Gavin tosses something on the couch, I look over and see a chocolate chip muffin. I look back up at him and he gives me a faint smile before he walks into the kitchen.
"Thanks Gavin." I say.
"No problem Tess."
I open the muffin and take a bite, I haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning. Hardin made me breakfast in bed, he made heart shaped pancakes with chocolate chips. He even cut the strawberries into hearts, it's moments like those that make me question if his love was genuine. Why do so much if it was all fake?
Was it all real? It was to me, but maybe he just played along to see how far he could string me along for.
I hate him.
"Tess, come to the kitchen." Kim calls.
I slowly stand up and bring my muffin to the kitchen, I lean against the counter and play with the selves of my shirt. I watch as Kim helps Gavin put the stuff he bought away.
"You want anything to eat? Like a warm meal?" She asks.
"No thanks, I just wish I had my phone. Everything is at the apartment."
"You can borrow my car if you wanna go get your stuff." Gavin offers.
"Thanks but the last thing I want is to see Hardin right now."
I look down at my muffin and examine the bite I took.
"I'll go."
I look up at Kim.
"What?" I question.
"I can go get your stuff, I helped him pick the apartment so I know where everything is. I can pack you a bag and bring it for you, I'll get whatever you need."
"I can't ask you to do that Kim."
"Tessa please, this is the least I can do."
"But what if he isn't home." I question.
She walks over to the kitchen drawer and pulls out a key.
"He gave me a spare to your apartment, he said it was for emergencies. I was surprised he gave it me to be honest."
I can't believe he gave Kim a spare.
"Are you sure Kim."
"Yeah, I'll be back soon."
"I really appreciate it." I say.
God what would I do without her, she's the sister I never had.
She puts on her Burberry jacket and her Gucci sneakers before she wraps a scarf around her neck and grabs her keys and phone. She's so luxurious and bougie, I can't. I'm happy she's gonna get my stuff but now it's just gonna be me and Gavin, I don't think we've ever had a conversation.
He continues to stock the cabinets.
"I never got to say thank for what happened with Jackson, Hardin told me that you defended me..............I appreciate it."
"Of course, you don't have to thank me. I just did what anyone would do, not to mention that Jackson had it coming. He's been hitting on Kim for weeks and when I found out he was hitting on you too I just couldn't handle it. I hate guys like that."
"But your friends with Hardin and he is like that, he uses girls."
The room goes silent. Gavin slowly turns and faces me.
"Tessa look.............I didn't know he was using you. He seemed so genuinely in love with you, I never saw him like that before. I never thought he would so something like this."
I bite the inside of my mouth.
"Neither did I...........I thought he was different."
Gavin sighs before he looks back at me.
"Look I know what he did was unacceptable and he doesn't deserve your forgiveness or anything for that matter but I...................I think you should talk to him, just hear his side of things because Sam has a way of twisting things. That bitch loves to fuck with people, I swear her only purpose in life is to cause others pain................anyway.............Kim and I knew Hardin before he was with you, he's changed a lot....................I just think you should let him try to explain."
"There's nothing to explain, he hurt and betrayed me. There's nothing that will ever fix this, nothing."
"I understand, but if the roles were reversed wouldn't you want him to hear you out?"
Damn you Gavin and your logic.
"I don't know, can we just...........not talk about him...please."
"Sure, I gotta pack anyway." He says.
"Pack?"
"Yeah, Kim and I are going to Florida in a few days."
Right, their trip.
"Oh yeah, I forgot about that."
He smiles before he leaves the kitchen, I look down at my muffin before I take another bite.
I hope Kim comes back soon.