08.02.21
6:29 pm
I've come to the realization that I've been settling for less with E. As much as I want him in my life and want him in the most intimate ways. Maybe right now just isn't for us. Maybe right now we need to just wait and grow.
We both have commitment issues and we both struggle with being vulnerable. He's been hurt in the past and he told me he just doesn't know how to be vulnerable right now. Which sucks cause as his best friend I'd hope he could be open with me, but I guess not.
I'm scared of being vulnerable because I don't ever want anyone to be able to use my weaknesses against me. I don't want anyone to know the thoughts that run through my head continuously. I'm scared of letting anyone completely in and that's what has stopped me from being in a relationship.
E told me if we put things into perspective non of us are ready for a relationship right now. And I get it.
But I just feel like if I have sex with E I'd be giving him what he wants. And I'm scared that if we have sex then it's over. Like he got what he wanted and now he's gonna lose feelings. I'm scared and I wanna tell him but I don't want him to think that I think so low of him. Cause I know he wouldn't hurt me like that. He's my best friend.
This guy slide into my dms and we've been talking for 2 days. He seems cool, but I'll update if anything. Maybe this could be the distraction that I've been needing. 🤞🏼