To be happy every moment is either a myth or a very tedious and difficult goal to achieve. Most of us humans are not blessed with just either happy or sad lives. Most of us have fleeting moments of happiness, sadness, confusion, anger, disappointment and derailment. All we get to experience is moments. The cumulative of all the happy moments make you a happy person. When the bad moments outweigh your happy ones, you conclude it to be a bad today.
I have never been a person who can claim to be either on the happy side or sad. I always had equal parts of them. But I am a positive person. Though sadness embraces me sometimes.. I tend to believe it's only me who can make myself happy. Nobody else is responsible for my happiness. Its just you at the end..you need to make those opportunities count...you need to take those risks to make those happy moments real.
Sitting here on a muddy rock ..holding hands with him is one of those happy moments I chose to make. You choose a lot of moments expecting them to make you happy. While only few of them will actually be capable of making you happy. And the bubbles of happiness I'm feeling imside me right now...sitting beside him and watching the night sky while holding his hand is indescribable.
Maybe that's why they say " Now is all you have..."
"I gather you like the night sky?" He asks while playing with my fingers.
" Yes...more than the night sky...I love the darkness. The darkness that the night offers. Everything is so beautiful at night... so quiet, peaceful, serene and....... real. Though mornings has a different kind of beauty attached to it, only the night sky reminds me of the original beauty of this planet. And--" I pause to chose the right words.
"....- the morning light kind of reminds me of the destruction we caused to this wonderful landscape. Basically I feel mornings are artificial and nights are more real...and the nights are........home. It feels like home " I finish.
When there's no response from him for a few seconds I turn to him..only to find him gazing at me with an emotion I can't seem to decipher. I suddenly feel self conscious...
"Did I say too much? I tend to blabber too much in the nights...they kinda suck my thoughts out of me. Sorry if I bored you" I chuckle nervously.
At that moment randhir tugs me forward, his one hand moves to the base of my neck, the other moves to hold my thigh almost protectively...and I feel his warm lips on my jaw. I'm rooted in my spot...my fingers clutch his shirt in a tight grasp. He still doesn't move...he keeps his lips there...waiting... he rubs his lips again lightly and sighs against my skin. He slowly moves away...my hand still on his chest while his on my thigh and neck-
"I just-.....I just had to do it" he closes his eyes at that.
I take a deep breath realizing I have stopped breathing...I try to free my mind of the crazy sensation he just gave me. This...this...how do I describe this? This is not like anything I've ever felt. His touch...it does so many things to my body and heart...what is so different about this man seated beside me that my body has involuntarily accepted his touch as something out of this world. Why is he capable of igniting so many emotions which none of the men in my life so far were able to do?
I can't seem to find an answer to that anytime soon. The constant battle that goes on in my head everytime this man is around my vicinity is something I have no control of. From the moment I saw him in that secluded corridor 7 years ago...he seems to bring out a personality of myn I never thought I possessed. I don't seem to recognize myself whenever he's near. The most sophisticated, calculative, guarded, cold Sakshi turns into someone who is complete of her whenever he's present...like his presence itself is enough for me to throw away all my self preserving qualities out of the window in a second....and I stand there..in front of him....devoid of all walls, guards...completely vulnerable.
With all my thinking I didn't realize my hand on his chest is squeezing his shirt so tightly that there are wrinkles visible on his neatly ironed fabric. I gasp and try to remove my hand when he tightly grasps it and places it back on his chest. My palm is flat across his chest and I can feel his pulse...this moment oddly feels more intimate than the kiss we shared just a few minutes ago. He looks into my eyes and---
"Don't. Let it rest here" he refers to my hand.
He presses his eyes and grits his teeth. I can see the vien ticking on his forehead..his Adam's apple moving as he gulps. He's holding my hand there on his chest like if he let's go I'll somehow dissappear. Oddly enough I know what's bothering him...he's thinking that he just screwed up because of the kiss. He's guilty of doing it without my permission but also not guilty of doing it. I strangely know exactly what he's feeling right now coz I myself am feeling that emotion. I know it's too soon to be doing this but I also want him to do it again and again...and again. At this moment I don't care what societie's guidelines and directives to 'how to start a good relationship' are. I just want him to touch me more. And I don't care because I know this is not just lust.. For I exactly know what that feels like. This is different. Way too different. This is anything but lust, maybe that is why I wanted to run away from him the moment I laid my eyes on him on that first day in college.
"Sakshi..., I.. I'm sorry for doing that so soon...but also I'm not sorry that I did it" he says bringing me out of my train of thoughts.
And before my mind even registers what am I doing...I lean forward and press my lips on the side of his neck.
*I'm Oddly craving momos right now. Not homemade but from those small Nepali stalls😭
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