Trigger warning
After not even eating a whole waffle, I was full. I mean I already ate yesterday. Normally I eat the smallest thing ever, every few weeks. It was kind of hard to eat food, I needed to sneak out to go to the trash from the neighbours and take a little, making sure nobody sees me.
I stop eating and drink some water. I lean back in my chair and wait for everyone to be done eating.
"Why aren't you eating" Blake asked
"I'm full"
"You haven't even eaten a whole waffle"
"Yes, but I'm full"
"Why, how"
"Because, I already ate yesterday" I slapped my hand in front of my mouth, shit I shouldn't have said that. It just blurted out of my mouth.
"What!"
"I-I...-" maybe play it chill, they will be less suspicious, if I start denying they will be suspicious. "- because I already ate yesterday." I gulped at his angry expression.
" yes, the last time you ate was yesterday, that's why you need to eat now."
'But I am full already, I wont be needing food for another week or two.'
I wanted to say but instead I just said
"Well I ate"
"Half a waffle"
"It was a big waffle" I argued back
"That doesn't matter, yesterday you ate 1/4 of your pasta, do you even eat!" He yelled gaining the other's attention.
Not going to lie, I was taken back by his comment. I can't do anything about the fact that I didn't get any food at home, that I had to look in neighbour's trash to eat. That if those monsters found out they would beat me.
"I do eat" I answered back, trying not to cry because of his yelling, it makes me scared and anxious.
"When"
"I just ate in front of you"
"No, I mean with those assholes, you're skinny as fuck, and can hardly eat half a waffle or a little bit of pasta! So I'm going to ask you again, when do you eat!" He yelled again, now already standing up walking towards me making me cower back in my seat. My heart is already going like I ran a mile. He was reminding me of THOSE people, making me get flashbacks.
"You ugly slut"
" just die already."
"Nobody wants you"
"stop" I said to Blake, hands, legs full on shaking by now.
"NO, answer the question!" Breathing picked up
"Fat"
"I-I don't know."
"Ugly"
"WHEN!"
"Dumb"
"Ev-every few we-weeks, from the tra-trash from the neigh-neighbours, they cou-couldn't find o-out" I whispered
"Pathetic"
"Disgusting"
"Die"
"Nobody wants you"
"We hate you"
"Ugly"
"Whore"
"Slut"
"Fat"
"No no no no no no" I panicked, hearing my heartbeat in my ears ringing.
"Stop, please stop, stop, stop" I cried out not being able to breathe anymore, I stand up with a blurry vision trying to walk away.
"I hope you die"
"Maybe my friends need to come over"
"Punishment"
"Slut"
While walking I fell to the ground, shaking like on the kitchen floor the last time on my knees this time.
"Please, please, pl-please, ma-make i-it s-stop" I felt myself being placed on someone's lap, S-Sandro
"Everyone hates you"
"Whore"
"Fat"
"Ugly"
"Pathetic"
"Disgusting"
"Disappointed"
"I-I c-can't br-breathe." I cried out, scratching my neck.
"S-s-Sandro p-pleas-se m-make it st-stop" I whimpered, trying to breathe, shaking on the foor.
"I-I can-n't, h-help" I cried out, whimpering from the pain on my chest. My longs burning, by not getting any air in.
I felt my eyes rolling back, before closing them, still a little aware of what was happening around me.
"Die"
"Whore"
"Disappointed"
"No no no no n-no"
I hit my head, opening my eyes again, locking with Allesandro's, I keep hitting my head and scratching my neck.
I can feel Allesandro's heartbeat like yesterday, and I try to match it.
I see him motioning to take the same breathing in and out thing as yesterday. I try to follow him but I couldn't. The ringing in my ear was starting to get overwhelming.
After more tries we finally did the breathe in and out thing.
"Can you hear me baby"
"Y-yes, please m-ma...make i-it st-stop." Tears falling down my face, scratching my neck for air.
" baby the same as yesterday okay. 5 things you can see" he stroked my hair.
"Ta-table, chai-chair, la-lamp, you g-guys a-and th-the ground"
-
———-
Blake's POV
I never meant for this to happen, she's having this panic attack because of me. I-I'm just concerned. I don't hate her, I love her more than anything. I just-I-I can't control my anger. I mean seeing her so scared, it hurts me.
Tears fall down my face, seeing that I caused my baby sister to have a panic attack. All because of me.
I just don't want to lose her again. I really don't. When she was gone, I closed myself off and I stopped talking to others. I missed my baby sister. I can't remember a lot since I was only 6, but I still do remember some stuff. My anger got worse over the years and now that I finally have her back. I don't want to get too close to her, what if she leaves again. I can't bare that.
I don't want her gone.
I don't want to feel the same pain again.
After Allesandro I was her favourite.
We spent everyday together.
So to not feel the same pain again, I push her away, just like everyone else in my life.
I can't bare the pain of losing people I love so I push them away instead.
But seeing that I'm hurting them hurts more. So I punish myself by hurting myself.
I cut every time I hurt someone with my anger or by distancing.
I know I need to make it up to her and apologise.
I look back at her with tears leaking from my eyes. Our eyes meat, her eyes soften looking at my guilty ones with tears.
She looks back at Allesandro and whispers something to him before hugging.
"Everyone in my office now, except you principessa, we will come soon after"
We all obeyed and walked away to his office downstairs.
Everyone sits on either the couches or chairs while I go sit in a corner of the office.
I slide down the wall, putting my head between my knees silently crying.
I really really want to cut right now, it's this urge I have. My skin wanting to feel the blade. Wanting to feel the pain. My skin is drawn to the blade to the pain.
So
I stand up hence I can't resist it anymore, "where are you going" Lorenzo spit out venom lacing his voice.
I turn away from him keeping my head down not wanting them to see me like this, drawn towards the blade, desire for the blade evident in my eyes. Seeing them red and puffy while tears are glincing on my face.
"I-I need to go to the bathroom real quick, I'll be back in 5. Promise."
Without waiting for an answer I rush out the room and run towards my bathroom in my bedroom. I close the door, feeling the desire grow stronger. I open the cabinet and in a small box lays the shining silver blade.
So much damage can be done, by something so little and small.
I know they would notice on my arms or stomach in the summer, so I take of my pants and draw beautiful lines with a silver brush which comes out red on the paper.
Watching the crimson red blood roll down my leg makes me happy, a rush of relief coming over.
I can feel a release in my mind.
No more pain.
No more guilt.
No more sadness.
No more shame.
I breathe out a breath of relief and clean myself up.
After I'm done I walk back to the office. My thighs hurt yes, but I deserve this.
The physical pain is so much better than the emotional.
Tears were still leaking from my eyes going in the office.
Moments later my Angelo walks in with dad.
(Angelo-angel)