Sunrises bled into sunsets, hours forever dredging forward with little to no progress.
You leaned over Leia's bed, assisting in holding her forward to listen to her lung bases, closing your eyes as you focused on the sounds, or lack thereof, as the former attorney general tried to take a deep breath without triggering a coughing fit. With a sigh, you helped Leia lean back, standing with your back ramrod straight, trying to find the nerve to face not only your patient, but her son, who was studying your every move carefully, his large fingers steepled in front of his lips.
"Leia, I think we need to start back at square one..." you said, your eyes flitting briefly to where Kylo sat, ankle crossed over knee, as if plotting his next steps.
"What do you suggest, dear?" she whispered, inhaling deep and long as the nasal cannula pushed oxygen into her airway. You bit the inside of your cheek as you leaned against the window sill, looking through the nurses' notes, as well as the results from the previous chest x-ray.
"I'm going to keep you on the IV antibiotic and steroids, but I want to send a sputum culture to the lab, maybe see what might kick this before it gets worse...Maybe even another chest x-ray to see how this has progressed..." you looked back to Leia, watching as she nodded her head, taking careful breaths.
You noted the slight wrinkle between her brows, the flash of a wince eddying her expression as she breathed deeply.
"Are you having chest pain that you're not telling me about, Leia?" you asked, both her and Kylo's eyes widened, flashing from you to each other.
"Mom?" Kylo asked, sitting up straighter in his chair.
Leia seemed to hesitate for a moment before meeting your eyes.
"It comes and goes, it's really not that big of a deal..." she whispered, bowing her head, finding a loose thread in her blanket much more appealing than your gaze.
"Dammit, Mom..." Kylo said, standing up abruptly, pressing the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, his other hand on his hip as he turned his back on his mother to take a calming breath.
"Well, Leia, it actually is a big deal. I'm going to order an EKG, chest x-ray, and lab work." you said, walking briskly out of the room to the nurses' station, entering STAT orders and logging your assessment for the day.
Kylo and Leia's hushed argument fluttered into the hallway, though you could barely decipher anything in particular. In that particular moment, you wanted nothing more than to hand this case back over to Pryde, knowing wholeheartedly that it was a conflict of interest, but you knew you would never hear the end of it from him.
You massaged your temples, hoping if your pressed hard enough, the answers would be knocked loose from the confines of your brain, presenting themselves proudly.
Zorii had presented you with the EKG in moments, showing nothing out of the ordinary, adding to your increasing anger. You signed it briskly and set it right back on Zorii's keyboard, watching as the x-ray technician grabbed the portable x-ray machine from its little alcove in the hallway.
"I'm going to go grab something from the cafeteria...Would you like something, Zor?" you asked, facing your call room. Zorii simply shook her head, returning to her computer, pecking at her keyboard.
You slipped into the call room, pilfering through your bag, hoping your wallet would just appear in your hands, but apparently, you had buried in under a countless amount of things you had stuffed in it. Right as you were about to give up, a knock on your door pulled you out of your thoughts.
"Come back with a warrant..." you sighed, returning to your search.
"Now, Princess...I doubt you actually mean that..." The sound of Kylo's voice almost immediately dissolved the stability of your knees, having been without him for so long.
"You shouldn't be in here..." you said, finally pulling your wallet from your bag, turning to see him leaning against the doorframe, hands in his pockets, watching you from afar.
"Well, then it's good that I'm not actually in the room." he fired back, the corner of his lip quirking up. You rolled your eyes, crossing your arms over your chest.
"Kylo, we can't be seen together while I'm your mother's physician. It's ethically wrong." you looked down at your shoes, knowing that you wanted nothing more than to be held in his strong arms, let the stress of world fade away from your mind as he took you over and over again.
"But it wasn't ethically wrong when I fucked you against the door in the call room on your regular unit?" he countered, one of his eyebrows quirked up. You scoffed, a blush staining your cheeks.
"I wasn't taking care of your mother at the time..." you mumbled.
Silence bloomed between the two of you, the faint beeping of the cardiac monitor ringing out through the unit as you watched each other. Kylo seemed to notice, taking advantage of the opportunity in front of him, stepping further and further into the room.
"Baby, I...need you..." he whispered as he stood directly in front of you, resting his hand on your cheek, looking deep into your eyes.
"Ky, I-" you started, only to be cut off by his lips pressing against yours.
Time felt as if it had stopped completely, almost as if even the world itself had been halted in its orbit as his tongue entered your mouth, exploring it as if it were a temple holding the finest of riches. Kylo's hands trailed your body, like he was trying to dedicate the shape of you to memory.
Your fingers knotted themselves in his sable strands as you tried to pull him closer to you, your bodies already pressed against one another. But you felt as if you couldn't get close enough to him.
This is so wrong..., you thought to yourself.
You couldn't seem to help yourself as Kylo shut the door behind him, leading you to the bed you both held each other in the first night his mother was admitted, and you complied, all rational thinking and reasoning gone.
Just as Kylo was about to lay you both down on the bed, you pulled away, nearly breathless as you looked up at him.
"Kylo, I can't...Please...Let's wait until your mother is better and discharged from my care..." you whispered, looking deep into his warm, umber eyes.
Kylo let out a huff, pulling away from you as he shook his head, biting the inside of his cheek as he contemplated your plea. You wanted it; you wanted him, but you couldn't find it within yourself to be filled by him when his mother's health was questionable, at best.
"Fine." he stated, turning his back on you and opening the door, disappearing through it without another word.
After standing in the call room, staring at the doorway he marched through, you felt numb. Finally, after taking a few deep breaths, you managed to find your bearings and walked back into the hallway, taking your place on the elevator and embarking on a trip to the cafeteria, knowing full well that you would simply pick at whatever you chose.
Conversations echoed through the cafeteria, the clattering of pans ringing out into the space as fresh food was placed on the buffet. Your temples pounded, the beginnings of a migraine making itself known as you waited in the checkout line, a takeout container of salad resting in your hands. You just wanted to seal yourself in your room and pour over Leia's incoming results, hoping to find something of use and fix it.
"Any luck with your special patient?" Pryde's voice rang out from behind you, causing you to jump. You hadn't heard him walk up behind you.
"Not at the moment, no, but I'm holding out hope." you mumbled, finally able to pay for your lunch and hopefully, leave Enric Pryde behind.
Pryde smirked.
"No surprise there. But if you need help from someone more experienced, I'm willing to consult."
This motherfucker...
"I'll keep that in mind, Doctor Pryde. Have a good day." you said, handing the cash to the attendant overseeing transactions, racing off before they could hand you the change owed.
It almost killed you to have to remain professional with that asshole, but you knew you had to prove it to him that you were more than capable to handle Leia's case.
You cellphone vibrated in your pocket.
"Hey, Zor. Please tell me that you have good news." you said, punching the elevator buttons, hoping you wouldn't have to share it with anyone.
"Unfortunately, no. Her white count is over 20,000, but everything else is normal. She's resting right now, no complaints. Any new orders?" Zorii asked, the clicking of her pen resounding in the background.
"No, not right now. Was she able to give you a sputum sample?" you asked, stepping onto the elevator and immediately closing the doors.
"Yes, already sent it down for the culture and sensitivity."
"Awesome. Right now, all we can do is keep her comfortable and wait for the culture results." you said, angrily pressing the buttons, hoping the more effort you put behind it, the faster you would get back to the unit.
"Alrighty, Doc. See you in a few. Thanks." Zorii said, hanging up swiftly.
The elevator seemed to lurch back to the VIP unit, but you finally arrived, thankful to not be floors away from your patient anymore. When you walked by the room, popping your head in for just a moment, you watched as Leia slept peacefully, chest rising and falling without any difficulties. You noted that Kylo was no longer by her side.
Just as you had predicted, you picked at your salad at the nurses' station, reading through the chest x-ray report and her lab results. Your temples pounded even harder, the longer you watched the screen, drawing a sigh from your lips.
"Zor, I think I'm going to go lay down for a while. My head is killing me. If anything changes, please don't hesitate to call me." you said, throwing the remnants of your salad away as you walked back to the call room.
Almost as soon as your head hit the pillow, you fell fast asleep.
...
The overhead paging system dinged, almost scaring you awake as the sounds echoing off the walls. You waited to hear some announcement about Quiet Time on the units, or the lullaby play over head, announcing that a baby had been born. You noted that you had no missed calls or text messages from Zorii or anyone else.
The clock on your phone read 16:18. You had been asleep for nearly three hours.
"Code Blue, Room 510. Code Blue, Room 510. Code Blue, Room 510."
Oh. Fuck.
You were sprinting out of your room almost immediately, racing to find Zorii hunched over Leia, pumping her chest rhythmically.
"How long has she been down?" you asked, grabbing the bag-valve mask, readying to give breaths into the unresponsive woman beneath you.
"A minute, maybe. She has complaining that her chest was hurting and I was just about to walk out and call you when she stopped breathing. Twenty-nine, thirty." She said, breathlessly, pressing her fingertips into the spot on her neck where Leia's pulse would be the strongest.
You depressed the reservoir on the mask twice, watching Leia's chest rise with each push of air into her lungs.
"Code Team should be here soon. As soon as they get here, I'll intubate. Do you need to switch?" you asked, watching as Zorii wasted no time in resuming chest compressions.
Pump. Pump. Pump.
"No, I'm fine." she said, her eyes hazy and distant, more than likely counting the chest compressions in her head.
"Tell me when you need a break." you said, readying to give breaths again. Faintly, you could hear the elevator ding throughout the unit.
"Code Team's here. Someone take over. Zor, I need 1 milligram of Epi STAT." you said, watching as she nodded.
"Twenty-nine, Thirty." she said. You took your signal, once again giving the breaths, noting the chest rise and fall.
As a member of the Code Team resumed compressions, you broke the lock on the crash cart beside you, reaching into one of the drawers for the laryngoscope and 7.0 endotracheal tube. Quickly, you were able to visualize the vocal cords, sliding the endotracheal tube through them, securing a patent airway as the team continued to get Leia back.
"Twenty-three at the lip line. 7.0 ET tube." you said, watching as one of the nurses wrote it down on a piece of paper in front of them.
Snap!
You tried to ignore the sound of Leia's ribs breaking beneath the hands of the nurse performing compressions, but you knew the sound would echo in your mind for as long as you lived.
"Epi is in." Zorii said, reaching for another syringe.
"We need a pulse check." you said, letting one of the Code Team nurses continue with the ventilation.
The everyone else stepped away for a moment, all eyes on the cardiac monitor. A straight line.
"Continue compressions. Continue ventilation. Another milligram of Epi as soon as its time." you said.
"Someone switch out with me." the male Code Team nurse huffed out, sweat rolling off of his temples. You tapped him of the shoulder, taking his spot on the CPR stool and placing your label hands over Leia's chest, pumping into it quickly.
Come on, Leia...Please..., you pleaded.
It felt as if you were pumping your hands into a bowlful of Jell-O, but you couldn't give up. Not yet.
"Epi is in." Zorii said, looking up at you.
You continued on.
"How long have we been working her?" the male Code Team nurse asked, looking up at the clock.
16:38
"Twenty minutes."
Leia, you have GOT to pull through this! You just got your son back!
"Pulse check!" you yelled out, taking your hands off of Leia's chest.
Still a straight line.
"Another milligram of Epi. Continue compressions. Continue ventilation." you said, compressing Leia's chest beneath your interlocked hands.
Your vision blurred with tears as sweat rolled down the back of your neck and your temples, but still you continued.
"Doc, do you need to switch out?" one of the nurses asked. You continued on.
"No! Keep going!"
Zorii depressed the plunger on another syringe filled with epinephrine. You hoped, prayed to a higher being above that this would be the one...this would be the one that stuck.
"Epi is in."
"Pulse check!" you yelled, halting your compressions.
Straight line.
You resumed your compressions, pushing away the screaming of your muscles. You couldn't give up. You wouldn't give up.
"Doc..." Zorii whispered, watching you. You couldn't bring yourself to look at her.
You continued.
"Doc, we've been working her for forty-five minutes..." Zorii said, placing a hand on your wrist.
A tear escaped, landing on Leia's chest.
"She wouldn't have wanted this..." the Code Team nurse said.
"She would've wanted to keep fighting!" you yelled, tears falling faster now.
Pump. Pump. Pump.
"Doc, you've got to call it." the nurse who had taken over ventilation said, continuing to push oxygen into Leia's lungs. Continuing until you said to stop...
"Pulse check..." you whispered, trying to swallow back the sob that threatened to escape.
Straight. Line.
You swore that line mocked you, laughing in your face at your failures. Your failure of keeping a patient alive.
"Time of death...17:03" you whispered.
The steady thrumming of the monitor had finally stopped, Zorii having turned it off. Silently, the nurses disconnected the bag-valve mask from the endotracheal tube, the Code Team packing away their equipment and filing out of the room.
Something hit the floor.
You turned to see Kylo standing in the doorway, lips parted and eyes rimmed with tears. A bouquet of flowers on the floor at his feet. For a moment, you thought your heart had shattered into a million shards, stabbing into your lungs, making it difficult for you to breathe.
"Kylo...I'm sorry...I'm so sor-" you whispered, but were interrupted as he turned his back on you for the second time today, fists balled up at his sides. You watched as he stormed towards the elevators.
"Kylo!" you said, running after him, wrapping your hand around his wrist as he went to step onto the elevator, open and waiting.
"You didn't even try..." Kylo whispered, voice thick with emotion, on the verge of breaking.
"We coded her for forty-five minutes, Ky-"
"YOU DIDN'T FUCKING TRY!" He screamed, ripping his arm from your grasp.
Tears ran like flooded rivers down your cheeks, a sob wracking in your throat.
"Fuck you..." he said, a tear finally escaping, trailing down his stone set face as the elevator doors closed in front of you.
"Kylo..." you whispered, your chest nearly screaming out in pain.
He was gone.