"Oh the truth hurts, and lies worse. How can I give you anymore? When I love you a little less than before."
Lily closed my iTunes window. "Hey!" I protested, sitting up on the couch I was sleeping on. I turned on my laptop and put on some music to wallow in my own self-pity.
"Oh, knock it off," she scolded. "You don't love him any less than you did before, okay? You freaking lunatic."
"I'm not a lunatic." I whined, throwing the blanket over my head. It was Saturday—the day the band had a gig and I had to let them down—and I just wanted to be left alone.
"Yes—you are." Lily threw the covers off my head. I pulled them back up. "Ugh! Fine!" Lily turned to my laptop.
"What're you doing?" I asked her, peeping from the blanket.
"If you're going to listen to music—Miss Self-Righteous—listen to this." Lily clicked on a song loudly and Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne came on.
I groaned loudly. "Shut up, Lily! Just stay out of it!"
There was a loud yawn. "What're you guys arguing about?" Someone opened the refrigerator.
"Quick—Olivia, beat her over the head!" I said, sitting up.
Holding the gallon of milk in confusion, Olivia asked, "With what?"
"The milk! I don't care; just knock her out!"
"Well..." Olivia took a step forward.
"Olivia don't you dare!" Lily shrieked.
"Get her!" I yelled while leaping off the couch and tackling Lily.
"Ow—you idiot!—Get. Off. Of. Me!" Lily yelled angrily.
"Get her, Olivia!" I laughed, tickling Lily.
She was struggling not to laugh. "Haha—stop it—aahhaha!—Elizabeth, stop—bwahahaha!—ELIZABETH!"
"What's going on?" Uncle Brian called from my room. He had taken my bed and Olivia had voluntarily taken the air mattress.
We all stood up, like innocent children sneaking cookies from the cookie jar. "Nothing."
Uncle Brian stared at us suspiciously before disappearing into the kitchen preparing breakfast.
We all smiled at each other, smothering the giggles that were ready to erupt from our mouths.
I collapsed on the floor, laughing when I heard Can I Have This Dance by Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron. I frowned at my laptop screen. When did that get on there? I glared at Lily. She gave me a guilty smile. Then I laughed, rolling my eyes. There was a part of me, with the exception of loathing Vanessa Hudgens' voice, that liked the song. Zac Efron had a very sexy voice. Maybe I could trade my boyfriend for him...Surely Vanessa would want Damon? After all, every girl did.
But I was just angry because I wasn't sure that he loved me and now I was in too deep. I grinned evilly and took out my phone to change my voicemail. "What're you doing?" Lily asked warily.
I winked. "Just see." I brought the phone to my mouth and said, "Hey, you've reached Elizabeth Ashwern. Sorry I can't take your call right now, I'm too busy trying to get my boyfriend to say he loves me. Leave a brief message and I'll try calling you back! No promises!"
"Rachel!" Uncle Brian scolded. Oops. Forgot he was in the kitchen. "You can't just do that! It's deceitful!"
"How is it deceitful?" I asked with a laugh.
"You can't force him into saying something." He added. "Give him some time. How long have you been going out? Four weeks?"
My mouth dropped. "Try four months!"
"I'm just saying. You do have a track record of 'falling in love' with guys in four weeks." Uncle Brian added unnecessarily.
I glared at him. People sure knew how to change my mood in five seconds flat. "Screw you!" I shouted without thinking and ran out of the house, driving away in my car with my blue boxer shorts and black tank top still on.
Flashback-
My father had an arm wrapped around my shoulder as the police walked up to Andrew's house. They knocked on the door, addressing who they thought they were looking for, but there was no answer. Now they were going in forcefully. I didn't know they could do that, but I didn't care.
After four hours convincing my father I wasn't crazy and trying to prove that Andrew was in fact a vampire, Daniel finally believed me once I showed him the scar and gave him a few facts about his behaviour. He said he believed me, but I didn't think he was fully convinced.
Tears welled in my eyes as everything was just overwhelming me. I looked up at my dad, whose lips were pressed firmly together in angry determination. "I'm just going to walk around..."
My dad opened his mouth to protest, but nodded, understanding where I was coming from.
With my arms folded across my chest firmly, I started walking down the sidewalk of the suburban neighbourhood. Pressure finally took hold of me, well away from my father's eyeshot, and my knees buckled from under me; causing me to collapse in the soft grass, sobbing uncontrollably.
I didn't see the shadow loom over me. I didn't hear footsteps. But I felt the hand take a chunk of my hair and yank my head back. I hear the police sirens go off and the shouting from the cops.
And there was a dark, angry, and slightly amused voice, whispering in my ear, "When I get out—and I will get out—the first thing I'm going to do is make you wish you were dead. And then, after someone you love is dead, I'm going to kill you myself."
"DAD!" I screamed, crying even more.
Andrew voluntarily let go of my hair when the cops tackled him, cuffing his hands. I ran to my dad, who held me protectively as I sobbed, watching them load Andrew in the police car. He was laughing.
Just before the car drove off, Andrew gave me a secretive smile and mouthed "Bye, babe."
Now-
"Thanks," I told the cashier, grabbing my bag full of doughnuts and coffee and walking out of the gas station. I drove to this hill, parked, and got out to sit on the hood of my car to nibble at the doughnuts and sip my coffee.
My head was full, even spinning. I was thinking about the day the cops took Andrew away, the day he promised to kill me. I guess that was going to happen soon since my father was not in great shape. Doing better, but not out of the dark waters yet.
And I was surprisingly calm, maybe even emotionless. If I was by myself for too long, I could get that way. I could detach myself from the world and make death seem like a natural thing. I could make losing my dad and everyone else I loved bearable. I could stare Andrew in the eyes as he killed me.
And that's why I made sure I was surrounded by people who knew and loved me. They knew I could be that way, but they would never let that happen.
I loved Uncle Brian. I knew he was disappointed in me when Dad told him about the Andrew fiasco. But I was also sad that he would say something so hurtful to me. Especially when the worst Damon did was be a vampire. Sometimes it even slipped my mind that he was and it startled me when the realization came back. It startled me because I remembered and that voice in the back of my head was whispering, 'He's dangerous.'
I didn't want to be careful with Damon. But I had to be. Sometimes. It was really unfair, sometimes, how much I loved him. While I soared on the wings of eagles with the delight of being in love, I also hated it. It made me girly and it made me vulnerable. I hated being vulnerable. But I was willing to be with Damon because you're vulnerable with the ones you love, right? And it wasn't fair to them, or yourself, if you weren't who you really are around them.
My phone rang inside my car, but I didn't bother to get it. When it stopped, though, and I thought of my awful voice mail, I jumped off the hood of my car and ran for my phone. Too late. The screen had that annoying ONE NEW MESSAGE sign on it.
"Great," I muttered, putting the phone to my ear to hear the message.
"Rachel, it's me, Brian. I was just calling to ask where you were and that...I'm sorry. I...I wasn't thinking. I...Honey, please don't be angry for too long. After everything that's going on, I don't want you to be alone. Please...just come here."
"Yeah, I'm sorry, too." I replied, going back to the hood to sit, with the phone in my hand, I dialed him back.
"Rachel?"
"Hey, Uncle Brian—wait," I said when he sighed in relief. "I'm gonna be out a while, but I'll be home soon. And...I forgive you..."
Another sigh. "Alright. Thank you...Elizabeth."
I smiled. "See you soon." I clicked the END button and leaned against my windshield. I began contemplating whether or not to just turn my phone offend let myself think instead of being bothered by that stupid ringtone, which was different for every call, of course.
"What're you doing way up here?"
I gasped and spun around at the voice, not even thinking of who it wasn't, just who it could be. I sighed when I saw Damon. "You scared the hell outta me."
"I could see that." Damon walked up and stood next to me.
Things were quiet and tense as we stared at the sky, surrounded by the beautiful hills of California.
Finally, I cleared my throat. "So about last night..."
"Liz, it's—"
"No, please, let me finish." I paused, making sure he was listening. He was. He was looking at me with a wary expression, but listening nonetheless. I had a split second thought before spilling my heart out through my mouth that was: Oh God, is this where I lose him in trying to love him?
I took a deep breath and tried explaining what I was feeling. "I'm sorry for being so distant lately, it's just...I thought if I did that then maybe you'd see that...Well, it was a girlish attempt to force you into saying what you may or may not feel towards me. But I'm sick of playing by the old fashioned rules of romanticism and I just want to say—I need to say—before it's too late to say it..." I sighed heavily. "I love you Damon Salvatore."
Lots of painful seconds ticked away. Damon's face was impossibly placid and he continued to stare at me. Finally, he said, quietly, "How do you know that?"
He didn't say it like "Oh, haha, you don't actually love me." He said it like a man who has women proclaiming their love to him every hour of the day and wanted rot know why this girl in front of him loved him.
I let out a shaky breath. I'm not so good at emotional confrontations. I was dealing with this better than I thought. I mean my legs felt like they would shake right off, but I wasn't shying away from it, either. I wanted this to happen and I needed this all to be said.
"Well," I said hoarsely. I cleared my throat. "You're funny and you're smart...You have this way about you that tends to ward others off or pull them closer...You act like you don't care when you really care more than one might think...The way you smile at me just...it makes everything seem okay—and not just because you're handsome, either." I wanted him to know that I didn't love him like all the other girls, so I was choosing my words carefully. "You're fiercely loyal, even though you don't always show it...And...I'm able to be...vulnerable around you. To be myself. And you don't hate that. I don't put on a show around you. I feel able to give myself to you in ways I...couldn't in others...And—"
I stopped when Damon held my face gently, smiling at me in a way that made my heart stop. With surprising softness, he leaned down and kissed me. I let my eyes close and my entire body shook like it was the first time I had ever been kissed. Tears welled under my eyelids and I didn't care if Damon found out I was being emotional.
He didn't say, "Sure, kid." He didn't contradict my honest love for him, he didn't laugh at me. He just kissed me like...I don't even know like. But it was impossibly soft and sweet and respectful and...loving.
I pulled myself closer to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I wanted to kiss him deeper, but I was just shocked by this foreign kiss that I couldn't change it. I wanted it to last as long as it could.
A part of me wanted to break away and wait to see if he said he loved me back. But there was no need. I knew he loved me. He could tell me himself in his own time.
Something vibrated in my back pocket and I jumped. I laughed softly when I realized it was my cellphone. I put it to instant voicemail and winced at the thought of them listening to that horrible message. "Sorry," I muttered.
"For your phone?"
I was about to say yes, but a mischievous smile came to my lips and I said, "No, I was going to add that I loved that you were a vampire and that you were the Edward to my Bella."
We both laughed at that. I sniffed involuntarily, realizing that I had been crying.
Damon wiped away the tears with his thumb gently, smiling and studying my face in an almost mystified way. He looked like he wanted to say something but he didn't know what.
I pulled him back to me, kissing him. I wanted to see what it was like to make love and not just have sex. I don't think I've ever done that before, not how it was supposed to be. I loved Andrew, but he didn't love me. I really liked Damon, but I wasn't in love with him the first time and I didn't quite realize it the second time.
Well, now we both know how we felt about each other.
Damon got it, too. He lifted me gently in his arms and slipped my tank top over my head. He had more clothes on than I did, so it wasn't exactly fair, but I could really care less. I ran my fingers through his hair and then slipped his shirt off, still unable to stop marveling at his chest.
He laid me on the soft, dewy grass and straddled above me, kissing me slowly and gently. I didn't rush, though my instinctively wanted him to. Screw my freaking body, though.
Every time Damon kissed me, I thought I love you. And sex is totally overrated. This was what it was all about. Love.