Twenty-four.
Feel what you feel until what you feel is finally healed. We can't help but get hurt, especially since it's a part of life. If we experience to be happy, there will be times when you will be sad. You just have to really embrace yourself in your darkest times because it teaches you to be brave. It teaches you without you being aware of it.
Feel the pain. Feel it deeply because when the day comes, you won't even notice that you're finally healed and that's one of the best things that can happen in life.
"I heard from Elaine that Zavion is already your boyfriend," Mama spoke formally. Sumabay ako sa kanilang kumain dahil mas'yado nang tahimik ang bahay at wala ng buhay. I've noticed in recent months, I rarely see Dad at home. We barely get along and that's not the usual him. Hindi ko rin naman naririnig na nag-aaway sila ni Mama kaya nakakapagtaka talaga.
I laid down the spoon and fork loudly. They both looked at me because of that. My eyes narrowed, looking straight into her eyes so I could know what this woman was planning again. I gritted my teeth and tilted my head. I stared at her for a long time and took a deep breath.
"If you're hindering my relationship with Zavion, I don't care, Ma." I said in monotone. "Grandpa already knew about our relationship and he didn't forbid me to have a boyfriend."
Elaine looked up after hearing what I said. Her lips parted slightly, unable to believe what I was saying. I just smiled mischievously and ignored her.
"You— what? You introduced Zavion to your Grandpa?!" There was a hint of shock in Mama's voice. "What are you thinking, Elvira?! What if your Grandpa thinks you're just playing around and not studying? How—"
"Didn't you hear what I just said, Ma? I formally introduced Zavion as my boyfriend to them. They agreed. Wala silang problema roon." I explained. "At ano po ba ang problema mo kung may boyfriend ako? Hindi mo po ba tanggap na sa akin napunta si Zavion? Hanggang ngayon po ba, ayan pa rin ang pag-aawayan natin?"
"Elvira!" The strict voice of my sister made me look at her. I raised a brow. Wala akong ibang nararamdaman kundi galit at inis sa kanila. "Don't talk back to your parent! It's a sin!"
"Don't speak as if you were not committing a sin. Stop pretending, Elaine. We both know what you're doing," I said coldly. Hindi nakasagot si Elaine. Matalim ang kan'yang tingin sa akin ngunit hindi ko 'yon inalintana. Bakit ako matatakot sa kagaya niya?
"Invite Zavion here. Respect us, please, Elvira. We are still your parents! Saan mo ba nakuha 'yang katigasan ng ulo mo?!"
"Baka po sa 'yo noong gan'to pa lang 'yong edad mo sa akin," I answered sarcastically. "You know, they say, kung anong klase kang anak noon, gano'n din ang magiging anak mo. Siguro nakukuha mo ngayon 'yong karma mo..."
Halos hindi ako makapaniwala sa aking ginawa. Sinagot ko lamang si Mama nang walang pag-aatubili. Kahit si Elaine na madalas ay ginagatungan si Mama kapag pinapagalitan ako ay nanatiling tahimik. Napayuko siya at nagpanggap na hindi nakikinig sa alitan naming dalawa ni Mama. I clenched my fist in anger. Unti-unti nang nawawala 'yong respeto ko kay Mama.
Unti-unting nagbabago 'yong trato ko sa kan'ya. Nahulma ako sa ibang kaanyuan na sabi kong hinding-hindi ako magiging gano'n magpakailanman. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko noon na pasensya lang sa lahat. Huwag na silang labanan pa... ngunit hindi ko rin alam kung bakit at paano ako naging ganito.
Mama could hardly believe everything. When she realized what I've just did, she quickly took the glass beside her and poured the water on my face. Still not satisfied with that, she walked towards me and slapped my cheek hard. I stiffened in my seat, not able to process everything going on around me.
"Ano'ng karapatan mong pagsabihan ako ng gan'yan?! Magulang mo ako, Elvira! Sa akin ka nanggaling!" She shouted. "Napakabastos niyang bibig mo! Ang bastos mong anak! Wala kang respeto!"
Blanko lamang ang aking ekspresyon habang pinapanood ko siyang sinisigawan ako. Sa mga oras na 'to, nawalan na ako ng gana sa lahat. Naubusan na rin ako ng puwedeng maramdaman. Tanging galit lamang ang aking nararamdaman. Those words that came out of her mouth had no effect on me. Sanay na sanay na ang puso ko... kaya wala na akong maramdaman.
"Your father was right! I should have just aborted you! Hindi na lang sana kita pinaglaban noon kay Emer! Wala kang utang na loob!"
Suddenly, guilt crept into my chest. I couldn't understand but my knee softened. I suddenly felt weak... especially when I heard Mama's weak voice. When a tear fell on her cheek, I quickly look away and swallowed the lump in my throat. Nakuyom ko ang aking kamao dahil sa matinding pagpipigil.
Gayunpaman, parang sirang plaka ang mga salita ni Mama dahil paulit-ulit kong naririnig 'yon sa loob ng aking isip. Paulit-ulit kong naririnig iyong binitiwan niyang kataga.
Na sana ay ipinalaglag na lang niya ako.
"Hindi mo alam kung paano ko ipinaglaban 'yang buhay mo sa Papa mo! Kasi kung Papa mo lang ang masusunod? Matagal ka nang wala sa mundong 'to! You won't even meet Zavion if that's the case!" I could hear the frustration in her voice. "Tapos ayan ang ibabalik mo sa akin, Elvira?"
Hindi ako nakasagot. Nangapa ako sa mga salitang puwedeng isumbat sa kan'ya. I lost the courage I used to have. Tanging ang boses lang ni Mama ang umaalingawngaw. Marahan siyang hinawakan ni Elaine, pilit siyang pinapakalma. Sa paraan pa lang ng paghinga ni Mama, alam kong galit na galit ito.
"Ask your boyfriend to come here or else..." She shuts her eyes tightly. "Hindi mo alam kung ano ang kaya kong gawin, Elvira," mariin ang kan'yang boses. Iniwan niya kami roon pagkatapos niyang sabihin 'yon. Lumipas lamang ang ilang segundo, sumunod sa kan'ya si Elaine.
Natampal ko ang aking noo dahil sa pagkasiphayo. Nanginginig ang aking mga kamay nang kuhain ko mula sa ibabaw ng mesa ang aking phone. I texted Zavion about what had happened. Mariin kong nakagat ang aking labi. Halos hindi ako mapakali habang hinihintay ang reply ni Zavion. Paikot-ikot lamang ako habang nakapamaywang. Mabilis din ang tibok ng aking puso dahil sa kaba.
Bakit ba desperado si Mama na makita si Zavion? Ano ang plano niya— nila?
Naputol ang aking pag-iisip nang makarinig ako ng isang malakas na busina mula sa labas. Naging hudyat 'yon upang bumaba muli sina Mama mula sa kanilang kuwarto. Gumuhit ang ngiti sa kaniyang labi at kitang-kita ko ang pagkasabik sa kanilang mga mata. I can't even move my feet. I was just stunned there while waiting for them to enter the house.
I breathe heavily when I heard their voices. Sila ang sumalubong kay Zavion. Nasa tabi ni Elaine si Mama habang abala ito sa pakikipag-usap. Kumuyom ang aking kamao dahil sa inis.
"You haven't visited here for a long time..." Mama chuckled. "Ayaw mo bang bisitahin si Elaine?" She said, ignoring my presence.
"I have no business with her, Madame," Zavion answered casually. "So I don't have a time to visit her. It's just a waste of time," he added and shifted his gaze on me. Naglakad siya papunta sa akin at mabilis na ipinulupot ang kan'yang braso sa aking baywang. He kissed the top of my head that made me blush for a second.
My lips immediately form a smirk. Nagtagal ang tingin ni Mama sa kamay ni Zavion. Umarko ang kilay ni Elaine, lalo na nang mapagtanto niyang totoo ang sabi-sabi na kan'yang naririnig. Napaiwas din naman agad sila ng tingin matapos marinig ang isinagot sa kanila ni Zavion. Natawa ako sa aking isip dahil sa hiyang kanilang natamo.
"Ma, Elaine, boyfriend ko po, si Zavion," I sain in monotone. "If you still can't believe it, you can ask my boyfriend." Zavion's grip on my waist tighten. Bumaba ang tingin ni Elaine doon.
"Zavion, hindi siya makakabuti sa 'yo," biglang angal ni Elaine.
Naramdaman ko ang kan'yang paggalaw sa aking tabi. His eyes darkened. The calm atmosphere suddenly turned dark.
"And what is your basis for telling me that? What is good for me? You?" Zavion spoke sarcastically. "Walang kahit sino ang makakabuti sa akin kung hindi ka naman si Elvira. Kung gusto niyo ako, lagpasan niyo muna si Elvira... but sadly, no one can beat her. Don't even try, you'll just get tired."
Nakisali na si Mama nang maramdaman niya ang tensyong nag-uumapaw sa paligid. Pagak siyang natawa at mahigpit na hinawakan si Elaine. Halos hindi ako makapagsalita dahil ramdam ko rin ang nag-uumapaw na inis ni Zavion. Nakakatakot si Zavion... lalo na kapag ganito siya.
"So if you'll excuse us," he said darkly. Zavion reached for my elbow as we walk out of the house without looking at them.
Akala ko ay didiretso siya sa kan'yang kotse ngunit napagtanto kong mukhang wala siya sa wisyo. Sinasabayan lang niya ang aking lakad habang mahigpit ang hawak sa akin. Ang tanaw niya ang nasa kawalanan at parang walang kamalayan sa nangyayari sa kan'yang paligid.
Hindi ko alam kung saan kami dinala ng aming mga paa ngunit nakita ko na lamang ang aming sarili na tinatahak ang daan papunta sa hardin ni Mama. Bagsak ang balikat ni Zavion. Para bang may mabigat siyang dinadala. Ramdam ko na 'yon nang makapasok siya sa bahay kanina ngunit ngayong kaming dalawa na lamang ang magkasama, mas ramdam na ramdam ko 'yong bigat na kan'yang dinadala.
I cupped his face and gently caressed his cheek. His eyes widened as he turned his gaze to me. His lips parted slightly.
"Is there something wrong?" I asked softly. I pulled him into the chair and we sat there.
The wind is gusting through the branches of the trees. The strong gust of wind continues to touch my skin. May mga nagliliparang paru-paro sa paligid at ang iilan ay nakapatong pa sa bulaklak na itinanim ni Mama. Ito ang madalas pagkaabalahan ni Mama... lalo na kapag may dinaramdam siya. Ito ang takbuhan niya kapag ramdam niyang nag-iisa siya. She really put a lot of effort into her garden. Sobrang ganda ng pagkakagawa dahil alam mong pinaglaanan talaga ng oras at pagmamahal itong hardin.
Shock was registered to my face when he suddenly placed his forehead on my chest. Nanindig ang aking balahibo nang maramdaman ko ang kan'yang mainit na hininga sa aking balat. I rub his back as I bit my lower lip.
"What is it? Tell me..." Nanghihina kong wika.
"I miss Mommy..." His voice broke.
Confusion crept into my chest as I felt something wet on my clothes. There, I heard Zavion's faint sob. Nakatago ang kan'yang mukha kaya hindi ko siya maaninag. Patuloy pa rin ang aking paghagod sa kan'yang dibdib dahil ito ang unang boses na makita ko siyang... umiiyak.
"I wish she was here..." He whispered. "If she was just here, this would never happen to my life. Mommy committed suicide because of the extreme pain that she was feeling that time. No one's there for her... because I was celebrating my birthday that time, and my Dad... my Dad is with his mistress. He cheated on my Mom, and when I was about to go to Mommy's room to ask for a present, I was stunned by what I've seen. The rope was tied around her neck. She hanged herself to end her life..."
Gumapang ang panlalamig sa aking buong katawan. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa aking narinig. I can't believe I'm hearing this from him. My lips parted slightly in shock. I also stopped stroking his back because of that. My heart skips a beat upon hearing his revelations. Para akong nabingi at hindi ako makapaniwala.
"T-tangina..." I breathe heavily.
"At h-hanggang ngayon, nakikita ko pa rin 'yong mukha ni Mama sa isip ko... 'yong mukha niya habang nakapulupot ang tali sa kan'yang leeg. 'Yong m-mukha niya noong araw na 'yon..." He muttered. "T-that was a trauma. I'm living my life with traumas. They are still not healed. And now, I remember her again... nakita ko na naman 'yong pangyayaring 'yon sa isip ko. If I hadn't celebrated my birthday then, maliligtas ko pa sana siya..."
I don't know what to say. I was just listening to him. I didn't even notice it before. I feel so worthless for not asking him how he was feeling. Now, I realize that I really don't know anything about Zavion... and it's annoying... because I can't do anything.
"Paano ko ipagpapatuloy ang buhay ko kasama ang mga traumang patuloy pa rin akong ginugulo?" Nahihirapan niyang wika.
"Maybe you should stop blaming yourself for what happened. Your mom doesn't want you to be like that. Pakawalan mo na ang sarili mo sa nakaraan. Heal those wounds. You won't live your life with wounds forever. Free yourself. Ihilom mo na 'yong mga sugat na dapat ay hinihilom." Marahan kong sinabi. "I love you, Zavion. I don't even know everything you're going through but I'm always here. "
He straightened up in his seat. He turned to me and wiped the dried tears from his cheeks.
"Thank you, Elvi," he said with full of sincerity. He shifted his gaze to the plants and to the flowers that bloomed flawlessly. Gumuhit ang maliit na ngiti sa kan'yang labi habang tinatanaw ito. "It's really better to bury your sadness and wounds in a garden because it might grow beautifully," he said quietly.
Lumipas ang ilang minuto, lumipat muli ang kan'yang tingin sa akin. He eyed me seriously. He licked his lower lip and bit it afterwards. His lips reddened because of that.
"Elvi..." He called my name softly.
"Hmm?"
"Let's build our own garden..." He uttered. "A garden that would helps us bloom. A garden where we could bury our traumas and wounds. And when we succeed in building a good garden, please grow with me. Let's grow together. We will bloom because we have built a good garden— a garden that would help us grow."