You shouldn't get your hopes up. It truly breaks you inside, the way everything comes crashing down.
I know I shouldn't have thought Flora needed me. She didn't have any issue with Ryan. They were pretty close, but nothing to worry about, I mean about getting hurt. When I explained my suspicion to her, she started to shout at me.
"What do you think? That I can't stand up for myself? That I can't defend myself?" She yelled at me. Seriously though. She was getting mad because I cared about her. How perverted was it?
"I mean that this guy is totally the type of guy who wouldn't let you a chance to fight back, alright? Can't we just drop it? I didn't come here to have an argument." I sighed.
"This guy? That's how you'll call Ryan now, uh? He's nice and caring, okay?" She replied. I can't believe she was defending him. What did he do to deserve that?
"Stop defending him! Don't you see the way he looks at you? You're just flesh to him, nothing more! The only thing he cares about is getting into your pants!" I said.
I was getting angry. I know I shouldn't be, I know what damage it did to me and how far it could go, but somehow, I couldn't help myself. This was ridiculous.
"As if that's not the only thing you want too!" She choked on her breath after saying that. I could see her eyes get glassy and I cursed mentally at myself.
That's the thing with anger. Once you let go of the hold you had on it, it can't be controlled. And you just have to face the consequences of what you involuntary said or did. And I didn't want to face what I did next. Or rather of what I had intended to do next.
I got closer to her, my hands gripping lightly her shoulders. I had meant to kiss her, but she flinched back as soon as my hands met her arms. And that's how I lost it. I already had a hard time deciding what I felt for her, the realization that she must have lied to me was too hard to take.
"Get your shirt off." I demanded, coldly. Flora only shook her head, making two steps backwards to get away from me, as if I was scaring her. "Get your bloody shirt off!"
"Don't touch me." She whispered, getting further away from me.
All I could see in her eyes was fear. Pure terror. And I think that's what calmed me down. Flora shouldn't be afraid of me. She was supposed to feel safe with me, not having to worry about anything. And here she was, her world caving in right in front of me as I had to watch.
Isn't it ironic how human beings need to live in society but still manage to destroy each other any time they can? I think, somewhere, we all lost the sight of what life was supposed to mean. We lost ourselves trying to be perfect, making looks and fashion the most important thing about someone, making believe it's okay and normal to look down on everybody else and only getting what we want of people without giving anything in return.
Life was, at first, about having experiences, discovering the world and enjoying our time there. Whereas now, it was about being the best, the most powerful, the one who controlled everyone else.
Perhaps was it to forget that we didn't have control over ourselves. Still, it didn't justify anything.
I walked slowly towards Flora, watching her every move. My heart skipped beats every time she tried to get away even though she was already against the wall.
"I won't hurt you, Flora. You know I would never do that..." I let out.
"Leave me alone." She whimpered and I felt something break.
She was the kind of girl with a golden heart. The girl who'd make everyone happy before herself, always there if anybody -even a stranger- needed it. She was also the kind of person who had learned the hard way that you were meant to do what you wanted to and what you enjoyed doing. How unfair was it that she'd been hurt so much when she had got the meaning of life figured out?
I had wanted to make sure Flora was hurt. That's why I wanted her to take her shirt off. But now, I knew I couldn't ask that from her when the situation was so tense.
"I'll never lay a hand on you, Flora. Never." I whispered as I knelt before her so our eyes could lock. Hopefully she'd see I was sincere.
"Don't make promises you can't keep..." She choked out.
"If I ever see him, he'll regret ever meeting you." I muttered, my hand slowly making its way to her cheek. I would've expected her to move so I couldn't touch her but she didn't. Flora just stared at me. With everything, she wasn't crying. She didn't allow herself to let it all out. All the fear, the stress, the pain, she trapped everything inside herself and she shouldn't do that. I knew how destructive it was to do so.
When my hand met her skin, my other one went to her side so I could pull her in for a hug. She didn't protest. I guess she was trying to stop herself from shaking, but it was useless. Our body always showed a sign if something wasn't right mentally.
"I'm here, he can't hurt you anymore." I whispered, rocking her back and forth, her chest against mine, our hearts beating together.
I knew I was on the edge. There was so much rage inside of me that I couldn't let out, it was starting to weigh down on me. I also knew that the most important for now wasn't me, but Flora and how I had to find a solution to this problem.
I didn't know if anybody ever felt as upset about me when Ana left me as I feel about Flora right now. But, to me, it was the worst thing on earth to witness somebody so broken because of one person.
There was one thing I felt like I needed to know, one question threatening to go past my lips. And the answer could be really painful, but somehow, I needed to know.
"Do you love him?" I breathed out.
When she didn't answer, my heart beat fastened. How could I be so blind? She's spent most of her time with him, it sure helps to develop feelings.
"You were away..." Flora began, her voice trembling. "I didn't think you'd ever come back, and I needed someone." She murmured, her body calming.
I took one of her cheeks in my hand and made her look at me.
"There's a light in your eyes that you can't let go of. No matter how alone you feel, or how complicated life is at the moment, you deserve to be happy and that light shouldn't disappear. Always remember this. Also, there is always a solution. Anything that goes wrong can be fixed." I said, looking into her eyes.
Flora was staring right back at me. I could see in her eyes how empty she was and it only added to my guilt. I had failed at doing the only thing I felt the need to do for someone. Keeping Flora safe.
"Everything will be alright." I whispered, still looking into her eyes.
In the end, no matter what you do and how you do it, you'll fail. There's always going to be something that goes wrong. And maybe that's just a side of life no one is ready to face. Why would we want to accept that we'll all eventually mess things up? Though it allows us to enjoy the moments when everything feels right.
Right there, with Flora and I staring at each other, the craving I had felt right. It felt as if our proximity made things better, as if I could mend the pieces of a broken soul. It was all delusional because I knew I could only help if she was willing to let me do so.
And Lord did I want her to let me in.
***
"Smile!" Flora said for the hundredth time. I just couldn't do that. It was as if everything I had inside my head was preventing me from smiling. And it was pure torture.
"What's that?" She asked and took the piece of paper from the table in front of me. "Why are you writing only sad songs?"
"Give it back, please." I said calmly and extended my hand although Flora didn't intended to return it.
"Answer me." She ordered.
"You know I need it." I muttered and got up, walking over to her so I could take the paper from her. It was true. It made everything more realistic, it made me realise that I could find a way to deal with everything I was feeling.
"Is this one about me too?" She breathed out. "You can't go on like this. It's three in the morning, you should be sleeping."
"I still do what I want." I answered and reached past her to get a hold of the piece of paper she was holding in her back
We were standing so close to each other that I couldn't help but feel my heart beat speed up.Also, the fact that she was glaring into my eyes didn't help at all.
"Don't do that to yourself... Don't hold everything back." She whispered.
"If I don't hold back, I'll do things that will make everything worse." I answered and managed to get the piece of paper.
"Like what? What would you do that'd be so bad, uh? You're lying to yourself, Ed." Flora let out. I could feel her breath on my skin and it made me lightheaded. And this was the reason why I had to contain myself.
My eyes went from her eyes to her lips several times as I tried to reason myself. But I guess it was no use.
I felt like I needed this, like it'd make everything better if I could just feel her lips on mine. As if that'd be a proof that Flora is feeling well, that I hadn't completely failed.
It felt flames run up my spine when I finally pressed my lips against hers. I heard her inhale sharply and tense but she relaxed soon after, resting her hands on my neck. Her touch burnt my skin, but it was in a good way, a way that made me feel alive. In a way, I knew, was wrong.
I let my written down song fall down as I cupped her cheeks between my hands, pushing her away so I could look into her eyes.
"I'd kiss you and tell you I'm leaving tomorrow." I sighed.