Twenty-two.
Express your feelings through art. A lot of people are still surviving because of painting, stories, and songs that keep them at peace when the world around them is in chaos.
Laking pasasalamat ko sa mga kanta na laging naiintindihan ang nararamdaman ko, sa mga palabas na kaagapay ko tuwing nalulungkot ako, at sa mga larawan at quotes na nagpapaalala sa aking lumaban pa— sa maikling salita, sa sining na nagbigay kulay sa madilim kong mundo noon.
It was powerful. It was beautiful. I don't even know how we could live without them. Let's just say, there's science but art is giving you a peace, a fulfillment, a contentment, and a happy heart— the therapy that we need whenever we're having a breakdowns.
"What the hell is this, Elvira? Bakit sobrang dikit niyo naman ni Zavion sa latest upload niya?!"
"Uh... kasi boyfriend ko siya?" I answered quietly.
It took her a while to understand what I've just said. Umawang ang kan'yang labi at nanlalaki ang kan'yang mga mata nang ibaling niya ang kan'yang tingin sa akin.
"T-tangama? Kailan pa?!" She put down her phone on the table and quickly walk toward me. She shook my shoulder, forcing me to tell her more about it.
"Last week," maikli kong sagot. "Pasensya ka na, bff, kung 'di ko agad nasabi sa 'yo," nanunuya kong dugtong.
"How?! Bakit wala akong kaide-ideya?! Bakit hindi sinabi sa akin ni Zavion 'tong parte na 'to?" She said in disbelief. "Ang daya! I was her supporter since day one, and then
he didn't even dare to mention this to me?!"
I chuckled. "I've already gave you a hint last day. Hindi mo lang pinansin..."
"Because I thought..." Her eyebrows furrowed. "Hmp. Friendship over."
I just laughed to tease her more. I know that she was just joking about the friendship over thingy. Sa gan'tong edad namin, wala na kaming panahon para roon. She crossed her arms over her chest and flipped her hair in front of me. My brow arched in amusement. Humalumbaba ako at hinintay ang susunod niyang sasabihin.
"Wait ka lang diyan, Elvi. Magiging taken na rin ako," she winked at me.
"Walang true love sa internet love, 'te."
"Pass," she quickly answered. "Kapag internet love, pass. Ayaw ko ng iki-kiss lang ako sa messenger, gusto ko 'yong kiss sa personal," she giggled.
I laughed hard when I heard her unusual tone. Mukhang natauhan na 'tong si Margarette. Hanggang talking stage na lang siya at papalit-palit pa ng kausap. Sometimes, I don't get her. Gusto niya maging taken pero takot siya sa commitment. She witnessed how much I suffered because of love, thus because of my experience, she's now afraid of taking risk when it comes to love.
I can't blame her. The first time she gave her heart into someone, it was failed and that man broke her heart. Ayaw na niyang sumubok muli dahil doon.
"Watch me, Elvira, mas mabilis pa ako sa kidlat kung magka-love life," she smirked.
I only chuckled and nod my head, forcing myself to believe her.
Of course, kung mayro'n mang madaling makuha ang babae, 'yong mga lalaki 'yon. And in Margarette's case, hindi mahirap para sa kan'ya ang makahanap dahil marami namang nanliligaw sa kan'ya.
I shook my head and sighed. Indeed, time flies fast when you're really happy. I was in my room, staring at the abyss when my phone beeped because of a notification. My mouth gaped when I realized that today is Zavion's birthday. My gaze shifted on my calendar and it's really his birthday! Today is November 19!
Damn, I almost forgot.
I get up from my bed and quickly went to our kitchen to bake him a cake. Since he doesn't want to celebrate his birthday and I respect his decision, I'd just give him a cake for a gift. Zavion is not materialistic. Wala rin akong maisip na puwedeng ibigay sa kan'ya kung sakali man kaya mas maayos na rin na sariling bake ng cake ang ibigay ko sa kan'ya dahil puwede pa naming makain dalawa.
It took me an hours to finish everything. Naabutan pa ako ni Elaine sa gano'ng lagay nang kumuha siya ng kan'yang maiinom. Nanliit ang kan'yang mga matang napatingin sa akin nang mapagtanto niya kung ano ang aking ginagawa. Her brow arched. Her lips curved into a thin line upon seeing the finished product of my cake.
"So the rumor was true, huh..." She started talking that made me want to cover my ears for a while because I don't want to listen to her shitty words. "That's for Zavion, right? It's his birthday today." I could hear the sarcasm in her voice.
"Wala akong panahong makipag-away sa 'yo," mariin kong wika.
"Ano kaya ang nakita ni Zavion sa 'yo? Tapos ikaw naman, tuwang-tuwa sa pang-uuto niya sa 'yo?" She raised a brow. "I can't believe he lowered down his standards," nanunuya ang kan'yang boses.
"He didn't lower his standard. He made me his standard. I am his standard, I am the standard," I said confidently. "Tips, Elaine. Kapag inggit, pikit ka, ha?" And with that, I flashed a playful smirk and left her dumbfounded.
After putting the cake carefully inside the box, I put a mini ribbon on the top of it. Inayos ko rin ang aking sarili bago ko mapagdesisyonan na umalis na at pumunta sa hospital kung saan siya nagdu-duty. I was a bit nervous and excited at the same time because I did not inform him about my arrival. We texted but I didn't tell him that I'm coming.
It was my first time visiting him here. Siya palagi ang bumibisita o pumupunta sa akin. Kung hindi naman, nagkakasundo na lamang kami na magkita sa ganitong lugar. He's always the one who's doing or making an effort, though I know that it should be the both of us to balance our relationship.
For now, I could say that he loves me more.
Pumasok ako sa Arevallo Hospital at inilibot ang aking paningin. There were a lot of patients and almost everyone are busy. I took my phone out of my small bag to text Zavion. I am currently typing a message for him when my eyes caught a glimpse of a familiar figure, standing in the corner and looks like waiting for someone.
My lips automatically formed a smile when I recognized that it's Zavion. Lalapitan ko sana siya nang may maaninag akong matangkad na babae na nakatayo sa kan'yang tabi. The girl is talking while Zavion is listening to her attentively. Pangiti-ngiti pa ito na animo'y namamangha sa sinasabi ng babae.
My smile fades the moment I saw him, carrying the girl's bag beside him. Hindi ko maiwasang 'di mag-overthink at mangamba habang pinapanood ko silang nagsisimula nang maglakad at mukhang may pupuntahan na silang dalawa lang ang magkasama. Tuluyang nanghina ang kamay kong may hawak sa cake na hinanda ko para sa kan'ya. Tuluyan akong kinain ng aking mga pangamba habang nakikita ko ang ngiti ni Zavion sa kan'yang kasamang babae.
Bigla na lamang nanumbalik sa aking isipan kung paano ko nahuhuli si Ambrielle na may kasamang ibang babae noon. Bigla na lamang nanumbalik 'yong pakiramdam na niloloko ka ng isang tao.
I should not overthink, I know. I should not act like this. I should put my trust on Zavion... but how? Paano kung gan'to ako katakot pagdating sa mga relasyon? Paano kung takot na takot na akong masaktan at maloko ulit?
Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pagkirot ng aking dibdib. Hindi ko man naririnig ngunit ramdam ko ang unti-unting pagbasag ng aking puso. I can't stop myself from overthinking and it's frustrating me! Hindi ako dapat ganito!
I know there's nothing wrong with what he's doing but why is he bringing the girl's bag if she could do it on her own? Hindi naman siya baldado at lalo namang hindi mabigat ang kaniyang bag.
I shut my eyes for a second. Tears started to fall down on my cheeks but I keep on wiping it whenever it's falling down. Nagmumukha akong tanga. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko dahil alam kong nagmumukha akong tanga.
I heaved a deep sigh. I pinch my thighs and talk to myself through my mind for a while.
Damn, Elvira, don't overthink. Kumalma ka.
"O," someone bumped into me. "Sorry, sorry..."
Napakurap ako nang ilang beses nang tumama ako sa dibdib ng kung sino. Malakas ang pagkakatama ko sa kan'yang dibdib dahil mukhang nagmamadali ito kaya tumatakbo ito kanina. Mabuti na lamang at mahigpit ang hawak ko sa cake at naiwas ko ito dahil mapupunta sa wala ang pinaghirapan ko.
"A-ayos lang," I said quietly.
The man looks up upon hearing my voice. His eyes widened a bit after scanning my whole face. He looked at me from head to toe. I raised a brow. How dare he do that to me?!
"Any problem?" Mataray kong tanong.
"H-huh?" His lips parted. "Wala. You look familiar kasi. Kilala mo ba si Seferino? Seferino Arevallo?"
I took a deep sigh before answering him. "Yes, boyfriend ko siya."
Hindi nakatakas sa akin ang panlalaki muli ng kan'yang mga mata. Narinig ko pa ang pagbulong-bulong niya sa kan'yang sarili bago ako hinarap muli.
"Sabi ko na nga ba't ikaw si Elvira..." He smiled. "Bibisitahin mo siya? Wala pa siya, e. Magkasama sila ni Narcissa."
"Yes, I was about to give him something," I answered formally. My lips pursed.
"Ay, halika rito! Hintayin mo na lang siya! Mabilis lang 'yon!"
My eyes narrowed. He looks familiar. I think I saw him somewhere.
"Are you one of Zavion's friends?" I asked in monotone.
His lips formed a sheepish smile. "Ah, oo! I'm Adiel, by the way."
I nod my head slowly. Few seconds had passed, he volunteered to guide me since according to him, Zavion is still busy— busy carrying someone's bag. Tsk.
He toured me around the hospital and told me about his life being a medical student. He's fun to be with because he knows how to entertain someone. Marami siyang ikinuwento sa akin tungkol kay Zavion noong una silang magkakilala. Hindi ko maiwasang hindi matawa sa iilan niyang mga kuwento kaya pansamantala kong nakalimutan ang mga bagay na bumabagabag sa akin kanina.
"Adiel..."
Natigil ako sa pagtawa nang marinig ko ang matalim at madilim na boses ni Zavion mula sa likod. Agad akong napalingon at halos matahimik ako sa aking kinauupuan nang makita ko ang matalim at madilim niyang titig kay Adiel na ngayon ay nakangisi lamang. He shifted his gaze on me but his eyebrows were still furrowed in annoyance.
"Elvira is here. She's waiting for you so—"
"Hinahanap ka ni Dr. Rivera," he spoke coldly.
Adiel chuckled and raised his both hands. "Chill, man. Wala akong balak sa iniisip mo."
Adiel pats his back before leaving us behind. Namayagpag ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin ni Zavion nang tuluyang mawala sa aking paningin ang kaniyang kaibigan. Lumipat ang kan'yang tingin sa box na nasa aking tabi kaya kinuha ko iyon at inabot sa kan'ya. He stared at it for a few seconds before getting it from my hand.
"Happy birthday," I said coldly. Pinigilan ko pa ang sarili na tarayan siya.
He put down the box on the table beside him. I froze when he closed the distance between us and pulled me for a hug. My heart beats rapidly when I felt him sniffing my neck. I didn't hug him back, instead I was just standing there.
"You didn't tell me that you're going here. Edi sana hindi ka na naghintay pa nang matagal..." Malambing niyang wika.
"Sino 'yon?" Mariin kong tanong, hindi na nagpaligoy-ligoy pa.
Zavion is smart. If he's really honest with me, he'd get what I'm trying to say.
I heard him chuckled. Humiwalay siya sa pagkakayakap sa akin at hinalikan muna ang aking ulo bago siya umupo sa aking harap.
"That's Narcissa, nagdu-duty rin dito," maikli niyang sagot. "To make it clear, wala kang dapat na ipangamba."
I shook my head in disapointment. "Talaga lang, ah. Ganda nga ng pa-birthday mo, e. Su-surprise sana kita kaso ako 'yong na-surprise..." I said bitterly.
"Elvira," he called my name softly. "Sabay kaming pinatawag ni Dr. Rivera kaya magkasama kami kanina," he explained. "I'm sorry. I don't want you to feel that. Is my baby mad? Is my baby jealous? I'm sorry..." He reached for my hand and caressed it.
Para akong napaso nang hawakan niya ang aking kamay. Dahil doon, unti-unting umusbong ang halo-halong emosyon sa aking dibdib ngunit mas nananaig ang inis at galit doon. Mabilis kong hinila pabalik ang aking kamay upang malaman niya na galit ako at hindi ako natutuwa sa kan'yang ginagawa. Sa tindi ng emosyon na aking nararamdaman, bigla na lamang nag-init ang sulok ng aking mga mata.
"Hindi, e! Ano? Babae mo 'yon? Aminin mo na hangga't maaga pa. Babae mo 'yon o ano?!"
"No, baby..." He shook his head repeatedly. "Wala akong babae at wala akong balak."
"You're lying!"
He reached for my hand again. Sinubukan kong magpumiglas ngunit mas'yadong naging mabilis ang lahat. Nagulat na lamang ako nang bumagsak ako sa kan'yang hita. Mahigpit ang kan'yang hawak sa akin kaya kahit anong pilit kong kumawala ay hindi niya hinayaang makuha ko ang aking kagustuhang makawala.
"Alam ko 'yong traumang nakuha mo kay Ambrielle," aniya sa mababang tono. "Kaya hinding-hindi ko uulitin 'yong mga pagkakamaling ginawa niya. Hinding-hindi ko ipaparanas ulit 'yon sa 'yo..."
"Pero pinaparamdam mo sa akin na kaya mong gawin 'yon," my voice is shaking. "Ayon na nga, alam mo naman pala na may trauma pa rin ako sa gano'ng bagay pero bakit 'di mo iniwasan? Ano, nagpapa-impress ka pa rin sa ibang babae kahit na may girlfriend ka na? Hahayaan mo pa rin silang ma-fall sa 'yo?"
"Hindi po," he shook his head repeatedly. Mahigpit niya akong niyakap at paulit-ulit niyang hinahalikan ang aking ulo. "I'm sorry. Stop crying, baby. I'm sorry. I told her that I have girlfriend. 'Yong bag na 'yon, nando'n 'yong inutos na papers na iaabot ko kay Dr. Rivera. It was tons of paperworks and she volunteered to put it inside of her bag. Dahil ako naman ang inutusan, sinabi kong ako na lang ang magdadala ng bag."
"You don't need that bag because you have that kind of bag."
"May laman 'yon kaya hindi ko nagamit. Ang dami ng papel na 'yon dahil kasama roon 'yong ipapasa nina Adiel. Nando'n din lahat ng records ni Dr. Rivera."
"Bakit sa lahat ng taong nando'n, bakit sa kan'ya pa? Bakit kay Narcissa pa?"
"Dahil nagkataong sabay kaming pupunta sa office ni Dr. Rivera," mahinahon niyang saad. "Itong baby ko na 'to, napakaiyakin. Tahan na ikaw. H'wag nang mas'yadong mag-isip. Mahal na mahal naman kita..."
He keeps on whispering some words that could comfort me. Pinunasan niya ang tumulong luha ko at natatawa niya akong tiningnan. Malakas kong hinampas ang kan'yang dibdib dahil sa inis. Tinatawanan lang niya ako ngunit nanlalambing ang kan'yang mga mata. He's drawing circles on my stomach while staring at me in adoration. Umiwas ako ng tingin at hindi siya pinansin.
"I'm sorry..." He said softly. "I'm really sorry."
Nanatili kami sa gano'ng posisyon nang ilang minuto. Mabuti na lamang at walang pumapasok sa silid na ito kaya malaya naming nayayakap ang isa't-isa. Kumalma ang nangangamba kong puso kinalaunan. Nawala rin naman agad ang aking tampo nang mapagtanto ko kung ano ang aking ginawa.
I doubted him. Dahil sa ginawa ko, napamukha ko sa kan'ya na wala akong tiwala sa kan'ya... na dapat ay may tiwala ako sa kan'ya.
"Happy birthday again, Zavion..." Mahinahon kong wika. "I'm sorry for the sudden outburst. I'm really sorry. I was immature."
He shook his head. "You were traumatized so I understand."
I didn't speak. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to answer. I felt so embarrassed for my age. Now, my insecurities are striking me again. Hindi dapat ako ganito... kung gusto kong mag-fit kaming dalawa ni Zavion.
I heaved a deep sigh. Why am I being like this?
"I love you. Don't overthink. Ikaw lang mahal ko." He said with full of sincerity.
Zavion is my living art. He's the therapy that I need whenever I'm having a breakdowns.
As he kissed my forehead, I suddenly felt our connection to each other; like how a composer connects himself to his own song, like how a painter connects himself to his own painting, like how a writer connects herself to her own stories.