The blonde's world stopped and the time that she thought stood still, came running again - fast and every tick sounded like a death bomb, eagerly waiting to kiss her death. She was there - with her heart on the ground, her feet cold and her face wrapped in a confusion state. She wanted to cry, to let out all the sobs that she had in her system, but all she did was sit on the bed, emotionless. The words of Sandra telling her that she was still figuring things out made her skin itch and she wanted to puke the memories of what they did. The remnants of last night's event should be forgotten; that shouldn't have happened, but it did. They made love, with her heart thinking Sandra was choosing her, but now, she realized she was wrong. She remembered the panic on Sandra's face when she realized that Keanu was coming. Her voice shivered and was full of haste, and that was enough for the blonde to know that she wouldn't be giving Keanu up. Cate looked at the closed door. Outside, Keanu and Sandra were there and she was inside, hiding. She felt disgusted at her own self that she started grabbing her suit from last night and started dressing herself up. When Cate successfully dressed, she slowly sat on the bed, and with a sigh, she broke down, cried her soul out.
She loved her. She never stopped loving her and last night became one of those nights when she thought they could start all over again. Her heart ached for Sandra's touch, but her heart knew that she was not someone who would be willing to start an affair. She was once inside Keanu's shoes - she once walked through his path - doing everything for a lover, without knowing that the relationship has been tainted with lies and betrayal. Cate was taken aback when the door opened and there stood Sandra.
"Baby..." The brunette chimed, rushing to hold her on the bed, but she was quick to move away from her.
"Don't you dare touch me." Cate stood up and wiped her tears, her voice didn't waver and although it sounded firm, it also sounded like a painful warn.
Sandra sighed and stood up in front of her, her eyes lethargic, "Please, let's talk."
"We have nothing to talk about."
Sandra bit her lip. She didn't speak, instead, she retreated and sat back on the bed. Everything was messed up and she couldn't find the right string to pull to make it right. They fell into a big silence. While the world outside was embracing the glory of a new morning, indulging themselves with the bluish skies and the hummimg of the birds along with the sirens of the city, the two fell into an enormous silence.
"If you're thinking about me becoming your secret lover, me starting a secret affair with you, then fuck you, because I am not." The ice broke when Cate spoke in an angry yet painful tone.
Sandra looked at her, her eyes glowing with sadness, "Is that what you think this is? Can't you understand that I am still figuring things out? Can't you understand that --"
"Oh fuck it, Sandra! Damn it!" The blonde cut her off and her voice raised in fire and she shot her an angry look, "What the fuck is figuring things out? What the fuck is that?!" Cate added as she paced back and forth in front of the brunette, "You fucking asked me to stay last night! You asked me and I thought that you will be ending your relationship because you will be choosing me, but what the fuck is figuring things out?" Her chest heaved up and down, and her once calm and loving ocean blue eyes were now glazing with hate, "I don't understand! I fucking don't!"
Sandra's mouth parted as she listened to the blonde. And when the blonde shut up, Sandra's lips couldn't move to answer her. Instead, her tears fell one by one. She cried sitting on the bed. With the blonde staring at her, she felt hurt, as if every word that came out from Cate's lips were knives. But it was true, she asked her to stay and Cate did, but Keanu was still in the story and she didn't quite know how to write him an ending. Sandra couldn't just push him off the edge like a futile toy. How could she when he was there with her when she thought she couldn't face another morning anymore? How could she push him when Keanu held her tight in all those nights when she was losing her sanity? Keanu hugged her during those nights when she just wanted to end her life. Keanu had given her hope when she thought there was none and her soul grew to love him. She loved him truly - but when she saw Cate again, when she spoke to her again, her heart screamed the blonde's name; and the realization hit her, her heart failed to unlove Cate and after all those nights when she thought she had moved on, she actually didn't.
"What? You'll just cry there? For god fucking sake, I want your damn answers, Sandra!"
"I love him!" Sandra yelled at her face as she stood, mirroring the blonde, and when Cate heard those words, her tears fell, "I love him dearly. Keanu was with me in all of those times when I needed someone to depend on. He was there when you fucking left me! He was with me when I was having all of my breakdowns! He was with me, trying to save my doomed self from kissing death! He saved me, Catherine! He saved me when I needed saving! I brushed him off, tried to block him away from me, but he was so persistent. He never gave up on me like you did! He didn't give up on me, Cate and yes,.." Sandra's tears fell in synch, "I love him."
Cate looked at her unbelievably, "Don't you dare tell me that I gave up on you, because you know that I gave my all."
"You did?" Sandra's tears rushed out, but her face remained calm, "You didn't listen to me. I get it, you're hurt, but did you ever think that I was hurting too?" Her voice came off soft, "What happened with me and Sarah was a drunken one night stand and she used that to her advantage! I was so afraid to lose you and so I agreed to what she did to my body, but goodness! I was dying inside every fucking time that she touched me. I did that - I let her gross saliva covered my body just so I won't lose you! I fucking let her fucked me just so I won't lose you!" She pointed the blonde with her fingers, and it was when her voice started breaking into pieces, "I sacrificed all of me to a monster for you. And when you proposed I told you everything, but what did you do? You pulled out your proposal, went to California and fucked your ex. I went for you, chased you and begged you, but what did you do to me there? While you were so focused with your pain, you forgot that I was hurting too."
Cate looked away. She felt her heart falling down on the floor. Sandra was right, she had her share of faults too.
"Goodness..." Cate's hand flew to her hair and she grabbed it out of anger, she then sighed and ran her hands across her face in defeat, she was lost, "Then if you love him, why the fuck did you let me kiss you? Damn it, Sandra! Last night, we fucked!" The blonde spoke, "We fucking fucked! We fucking fucked because you asked me to stay and I thought that you're fucking choosing me..." And with that, her sobs slipped out of her lips, she broke down and slowly, she sat on the bed, "I fucking thought you're choosing me. Damn it, you even fucked me this morning." Cate buried her face on her hands as she leaned on her knees, "Why did you do it?" She added softly.
"Because I love you too." Sandra replied, she slowly sat beside the blonde and cried, "I thought I have moved on. I thought I have completely gotten over you. I really thought my heart won't go wild over you, but hell, when I saw you at the party, everything came coming down through me." Sandra's voice broke and her sobs echoed amongst the silence of the space, "I love Keanu, but when I saw you again, I'm doomed, because I realized that I was just fooling myself. I was okay before the party, I was fine already, but hell, you came and all I knew is that, I love you still. And now, I don't know. I have built my walls so high and in just a simple glance, a simple hi from you, it went down."
Cate wiped her own tears. She didn't know what else to say. All she knew was that, they did something wrong to Keanu and she didn't want it. All she knew was that she loved her, and Sandra loved her too, but fate wasn't giving them the easy path.
"You have to choose only one." The blonde muttered softly.
It took a minute before Sandra uttered, "I don't know."
And with that, Cate stood up. If Sandra really loved her, then there wouldn't be a cloud of confusion. She felt pity for Keanu and mad to herself and to Sandra. She then wiped her face harshly with her hands and after which, she started walking out. She was about to slip out of the room when Sandra held her hand to stop. And there they were again, standing by the door, their hearts fighting a battle that they both know no one would win.
Sandra's face was full of tears as she faced her again, "Please don't do this."
"Do what?"
The brunette bit her lip, her shoulders trembled as her tears flung out faster, "Don't leave me." Her voice broke, that it sounded like a desperate plea, "Don't leave me again."
Cate removed Sandra's hand away from her and she then frustratedly sigh, "And then what?" Cate's brow raised, subtly asking her, "What? We'll start an affair? Me and you, fucking against Keanu's back?"
"I don't know." Sandra wiped her tears, "All I know is that I cannot live without you again."
"Then fucking choose me!" Cate replied, her voice raised and with that, she sobbed. She slowly leaned by the door and because her knees were weak, she ended up collapsing on the floor, "Fucking choose me, Sandra. Choose me. I am so tired having to go over this situation. I don't wanna be your secret lover. I don't wanna kiss you behind curtains. I don't wanna whisper an I love you to you, for fuck's sake, I wanna shout to the world how much I love you." She sobbed and then she buried her face on her knees, "Do not make me your secret, please."
Sandra didn't speak. Instead, she sat on the floor too. The blonde continued to sob beside her and the sound of her cries were stabbing her heart. It was a kiss of another pain and so, she threw her an arm and hugged her from the side, but Cate moved away.
"Don't touch me."
"Baby, please..." Sandra moved and tried to hold her again.
"I said don't you fucking touch me!" The blonde stood up, she threw Sandra an angry glare, but despite the anger plastered on her face, the pain surmounted it, "I am not Sarah Paulson. I am not her and if you are thinking that I will be like her, then I'm sorry because I will not be. I will not be your paramour."
"I'm not making you like her!" Sandra retorted, "I'm just gonna figure things out and you, I want you to stay and never leave while I figure things out."
Cate rolled her eyes, "Figure what? Figure who you gonna dump? Me or Keanu? And until when? Until when?" She shook her head, "You know what, if it's me, then there is no figuring things out. Let's stop this. I don't want to see you anymore."
"What?"
"You heard me."
"Baby, please just listen to me." The brunette mumbled, "Please..." She tried to hold her again, but the next thing shook her world.
"Don't hold me, cheater!" Cate spoke and out of reflex, because Sandra tried to hold her once again, she handed her a crisp slap.
Sandra was stunned. Cate froze as she watched the brunette, shocked. Sandra held her red-tainted cheek and when she looked at the blonde, her tears fell. It was the first time Cate threw her a hand.
"I'm sorry. I told you to not touch me, but I'm sorry, I didn't me--"
Sandra exhaled a sigh, "Go out."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mea--"
"You didn't mean to slap a cheater?" The brunette laughed, but the tears gushing out of her was an indication that she was clouded with pain, "We are both fucked up. I'm sorry, Cate. What happened last night and this morning shouldn't have happened. It's better for us to end this once and for all. Let's forget everything. Forget that we met again. Let's forget each other completely."
A gush of defeat and hopelessness were pastered on the blonde's face. She looked at Sandra, but the brunette looked away.
"Is this what you really want?" The blonde asked in surrender.
"Yes."
Cate nodded slowly, as if accepting that this would be their final end already, "Okay. But I would just like to remind you that my heart was once yours, but now, I swear you will never be able to enter into me again.
"Okay."
And with that simple okay, Cate finally let go of Sandra's heart. The burning ember of their love finally flicked to death. Their home inside each other's heart finally crumbled down to ashes and dust. Cate finally left and along with that, Sandra finally breathe. It was their finale, finally, both of them blew each other a goodbye.
***