The drive back with Harlan was ok. We were basically back to normal. Well normal for us. We bickered over just about everything and that bickering well it created a sense of tension in the car.
I think not talking about the kiss was started to back fire on us.
When I finally reached Harlan's apartment building to drop him off I felt nothing but relief to get some space from him. I needed to clear my head, I had been trying to move on but now my feelings are stronger than ever.
All I could think about was how much more it was going to hurt when he left me. When all of this fell apart I didn't think I'd recover.
That was the one thought that had me changing my route and going to my best friends house instead of my own apartment. I was starting to freak out and I needed someone to talk me off the ledge.
I had expected to find that person when I was knocking on my best friends door. However thats not what I got.
"I was in the middle of a na-," Kieran took one look at my panicked face and paused his sentence.
He could obviously tell I was feeling a bit freaked out at the moment and definitely needed some best friend advice from his wife.
"Come on in." He ushered me inside.
I happily walked in and looked around hoping to see the brown hair of the one person I wanted to talk to.
"She's not here." Kieran said walking into the kitchen.
"Oh well tell her I came by?" I frowned.
I could really use my friend to help me figure out what was going on in my head. Was I ready to finally let Harlan in and give it a shot? Just the thought had me back on the ledge in a panic.
"Have a seat." Kieran gestured to the kitchen stool as he poured both of us a drink.
"Oh it's fine I just came here to see-,"
"I know why you came over." Kieran cut me off.
I sighed and just took a seat. I don't know why it surprised me that Kieran knew about what was going on.
"You know it's really fucking exhausting dealing with you two. Like actually exhausting I got woken up by Harlan a few days ago because he wanted to look through my ties." Kieran complained pushing my drink across the counter towards me.
"He came to borrow a tie for the wedding?" I asked slightly shocked.
I hadn't known Harlan had put in that much effort. I mean I knew he had asked to match with me but that was the morning of that he had called to ask me that. I hadn't thought he had put more than a morning into what he was wearing.
"Yeah and he dragged Jade out to go buy some too. That dude went slightly crazy over picking out what he was going to wear."
I could help but smile, a smile I did my best at trying to hide with my drink as I took a sip.
"Look usually I would stay the fuck out of this. It's really not my thing to do the whole advice shit but someone has got to just say this. It is obvious to just about everyone but you two that you guys are like totally obsessed with each other. So please just put us out of our misery and do something about it." Kieran didn't beat around the bush.
"It's more complicated than that." I waved him off.
It wasn't always just as simple as two people having feelings for each other. And I honestly didn't exactly know how Harlan felt about me.
"Shit always is but that doesn't mean that it's not worth it."
"Sometimes it's not worth it." I replied.
"You don't actually believe that. Listen when I first started dating Jade there was a lot of risks for the both of us. I knew going in what could happen if our relationship got in the way with her relationship with her brother. Harlan is one of the most important people to her and if being with me ruined that bond between them I knew there was a huge possibility that she'd walk out on us. I spent a lot of the beginning of our relationship terrified that I was going to fall for her just to have her walk out on me." He explained.
I was taken aback. I hadn't even known that Kieran had thought like that ever in his relationship with Jade. They were always the most solid couple I knew and to know he had doubts and fears with her surprised me. I had thought I was just this fucked up person with these fears and I'd be stuck alone forever. Maybe just like Kieran I could also move past them.
"How'd you get over that fear?" I asked.
"I tried to stay away from her after we first talked. I couldn't though, I was drawn to this girl and she made me happier than I'd ever been before. I knew I wanted to feel that happiness and I wanted her to be happy too so I decided that being happy even if it didn't last was better than never having it at all."
"I'm really fucking terrified. My dad left, he was a giant asshole basically my whole life. I have always felt like I wasn't enough for him to stay. I don't want to finally open up to someone, to love someone and have them leave too."
It was hard to think about. My dad had fucked me over in more ways than he even knew. Not only did I miss out on having him in my life but his rejection destroyed my self worth and my ability to open my heart to people. I was so scared for not being enough for someone I was ready to be alone forever to just avoid being hurt.
"Don't let your fears ruin your life Ava. You deserve to let yourself be happy." Kieran advised.
I knew he was right. I needed to just let myself find happiness and I knew exactly where to find it.
I just needed to swallow my fears.