Umm... Tw suicidal ideation 🖤
With Louis, New Years' was always the same. The world was usually too bleak and blurry for him to remember to be fully present but this was a day he took very seriously. He noticed everything as he walked down the street, the blinding colours under the dim lights, all the beautiful people walking around with big smiles and excitement on their faces. He'd cross paths with people like him once in a while, those who were stumbling by alone, drunk or blank-faced, crying or complaining loudly. The unhappy ones. And he'd just smile to himself, struggling to drag his defeated body forward a bit more until he found what he was looking for.
"Oi! What the fuck is wrong with you, mate?!" He'd not noticed where he was walking and bumped into someone, clearly an unhappy one. But this was the kind that used rage to hide his sadness and projected every bother to others. Now, he was a target, he thought with a slight wince.
"Sorry."
"Sorry isn't good enough! You made me fucking spill my drink, who do you think you are, fag?!" Did he give off the vibe so much that this random drunk stranger could notice? He wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at his night being interrupted by such a curious creature. He wondered what his life was like. He wondered what was going through his mind and what the past year had held in store for him. He wondered if he was as sad as him, right then, under this layer of rage and growling and hatred. He had a faraway look in his eyes, right then, that only pissed the man off even further. "Go fucking kill yourself."
"Maybe I will." Louis rose his eyes with challenge to squarely meet the stranger's, the blue of his irises dull and sparkless unlike most other eyes around the square. The man looked uncertain for a moment, then his face reddened farther as he was filled with even more rage, if that was possible. He just wanted to leave but his arm was being gripped tightly enough to bruise if not for the jacket he wore. What a way to end the crazy year. More randomised madness.
"Wipe that smile off your face!" He'd been smiling? Right. He'd realised that one of the bits of randomised madness of the year had brought Harry to him and the smile just appeared by association with the man's name. He found his body freeze with guilt and self-loathing, wishing he was with him right then. If only. "You think that's funny?! Huh?! Poking fun at suicide? You're even shittier than I thought-"
"All I did was agree with you but hey, feel free to punch me if you'd like, mate. You can be added to my millions of reasons." The man blinked at him and Louis couldn't help but laugh at how this was all going. Just as he was about fed up by his attitude and ready to throw a punch, a girl walked in front of Louis with her friends, gathering around him.
"You're him! You really are him! You're Louis Tomlinson, aren't you? Is this dickhead bothering you?" They all looked like teenagers and stared at him adoringly. It was annoying. Then they turned back and glared daggers at the man who'd already let go of him, backing away from their angry eyes and was now walking away with low grumbles. If he wasn't some guy who people believed was shagging a Marquis, would anyone have helped? There was no doubt it was possible but unlikely.
The girls turned to him once again and asked for autographs, more and more people coming around to see the cause of the commotion. Louis swallowed, not even bothering to force a smile as he felt himself being pushed about by all the people. All of a sudden, there was a loud whistle and people turned their heads.
"Hey, I'm Eleanor Caulder, you guys might've seen me on the bougie_bitch's blogs? Well, we're friends and I've got exclusive gossip, just for you all to hear first! Curious?" Louis slipped through the waning crowd, running once he was in the open air until he couldn't breathe, anymore. He leaned against a wall and rose a cigarette to his lips, staring out at moving traffic for some minutes without a thought.
Harry had dreamt of him doing the same thing. What if it was a prediction? What if he walked right out there and Harry happened to appear right before he dove in, both locking eyes? Wouldn't that be something. He decided that he definitely wasn't going to go that way, just in case. No need traumatising the poor boy or the person who was driving, either.
His mind swirled with thoughts. Of how all of these people going by all had their own intricate lives, pasts, futures, how you could pass by a person who would happily murder you and a person who would happily marry you without ever knowing. Human beings were so, so complex and so, so detached. He wondered how many were fantasising about dying, chuckling bitterly. He noticed his fingers had numbed after one last drag and threw the stub on the floor, crushing it with his foot and looking around. It was time to find himself a skyscraper, whichever called to him. Tradition had to be obeyed, after all.
Harry groaned once they got to Zayn's place, staying on the bike. The raven-haired man told him repeatedly to come inside but he was deadset on finding Louis as quickly as possible, although he wouldn't tell either of them why. They watched him pace about outside, relieved when Niall finally showed up.
"Guys, we don't have the time for any of this! Is he why we've been waiting? We need to go look for Louis!"
"Well, ouch. I'm here as emotional support but I could always just take my gorgeous and underappreciated self back home," Niall mumbled with a pout, doing a great job with his wounded puppy dog look. Harry sighed and gave him a hug, only just realising he hadn't seen him in a full week. What would he do without these boys, he wondered, choking up as Liam rushed out with his car keys. The couple noticed Harry was tearing up and came over to join in the hug but he put an end to it fast, rushing towards the vehicle.
"You're not going to tell us why you're in this rush, are you?"
"Can't, Ni. Louis might not want me to, I just... We need to find him. Liam, you really have no idea where he is?"
"No, m'sorry. We spend it separately every year, mate."
"Then just... Just drive around the city. I've got to do a livestream on my insta right now so that's a heads up, everyone keep your voices down and please just keep your eyes out for him." Niall nodded dutifully from beside him, squeezing his hand before he turned all his attention to the window. Zayn glanced back at him then did the same while Liam focused on driving, gripping the steering wheel tightly as his worry for his best friend rose. Zayn silently placed a hand on his thigh and Liam swallowed, nodding slowly. He had to calm down.
"Hey, guys? It's me, Harry. There's a lot to say but let's start off with Louis. You know, the one you guys ship me with and all?" Someone commented 'new year, new drama 😍' and Harry might've found it funny if things weren't so dire. "Guys, please. This is serious. Okay? I need... I need your help finding him. I haven't seen him in a bit and I'm getting a bit worried. So if anyone's caught sight of him, genuinely caught sight of him, do let me know. With evidence, if possible."
"Harr, you do realise that people from all over are going to be sending fake shit, right? You'll be combing through hundreds of-"
"I could care less, Zayn. I know and it doesn't matter. I'll scroll and curse until my fingers hurt. But maybe, just maybe..." Harry got tagged on a lot of things. It was really tiresome spending the whole night on the road, especially when people started yelling "Happy New Year" at some point and loud fireworks started to go off. Harry wanted to break down badly but he couldn't. He had to keep focused. So he took some seconds off his phone to watch Liam and Zayn holding hands in the front seat, each raising the other's hand to his lips to kiss it. Louis would be fine, he assured himself. He would do that and more until he got tired of him, he would never let him go again, not in this life. He couldn't have left him. He wouldn't.
And then he noticed a lot of fans tagging him once again. He thought it would be fake news but there it was, clear as day. Louis' face, blurred and surrounded by a throng of people. He winced at how Louis would have felt in that moment, telling Liam to stop the car. Harry had never really explored London unless he was dead drunk so he didn't know places that well, thus he shoved the phone in his face and asked him to drive wherever the hell that was.
As they went, he saw people commenting underneath about how Eleanor had been there, too. Without a thought, he gave her a call, then another and finally, she picked up.
"Styles, if this is about Louis, I haven't done anything to your lost boy, alright? The only person I've screwed over today is myself-"
"Did you see him? Did you see Lou at the square?"
"I did. He looked terrified and I've never seen that. Reminded me of my younger self. I was kinda worried they would trample his teeny body, honestly but he got out of there."
"Meet us. Please. Where are you, right now?"
"I had to hide, obviously but I know these streets. I'll tell you where to find me."
"Alright. We're on our way." He took her directions and Niall got out of the car to let her slip in next to Harry, both sharing a look before he turned back to searching for Louis through the window. "Where is he? Did you catch which way he turned or something? Please tell me you remember, I need all the help I can bloody get."
"Dude, I was being haggled by people, how do you expect me to-" And then Harry was crying. He leaned forward and pressed his head against Zayn's chair, gently slamming his head against it every couple of seconds. He tried to stop, he did but it was like a single crack in a dam and now the entire wall had broken apart. Eleanor reached for his shoulder and froze up, moving her hand back to her lap. Niall sent her an understanding smile and asked her to shift to his side, rising so he could move to Harry's side.
Damn, if Steve Roger's has America's ass then you can be rest assured this blonde leprechaun wins it for the United Kingdom- jesus, El. What was she even doing there? She felt too out of control at the moment and there were so many bars open that could block her mind from her mistake that night. She considered flat-out jumping out of the car for a split second but cleared her throat and folded her arms tightly as she leaned back into the seat.
Harry calmed down, again and Eleanor shifted farther away from them all, looking out the window. She felt someone tap her shoulder and scowled at Niall who clicked his tongue, nudging her. Hopefully there was something she could find on him if she dug into his past so he would be scared of her. She had been too soft around him, she knew that well enough and her drunken crying only worsened that. She needed to make it clear that he couldn't touch her without consequences, no one could except perhaps the government.
"Hey... are you okay?"
She snapped out of her thoughts and smiled sweetly, nodding with so much eagerness that Niall winced. "I am the pure definition of okay, thank you for asking, Horan-"
"Alright, alright, stupid question. I genuinely give a damn, though, just so you know."
"No, it was a good question. I did something on impulse for the first time in years. Impulse! Being the idiot I am, I revealed my identity, I..." she paused for a moment and suddenly began to smile. "Ooh, wait, wait, I killed two birds with one stone by doing that. I got your friend a free pass out of there before he got trampled or suffocated and also, now there's no blackmail keeping me under the control of the Duke. How dare he try to control me, anyway? I'm going to run that man to the fucking ground, you just wait and see."
"I have no doubt about that. Jesus, you're a scary lady. I guess I've got something weird you do that turns me on too, then." She glanced at him and let out an amused huff, looking him over for a moment before she turned away.
"Thank you. And just so you know, you're not on my hitlist, anymore. Cheap flattery doesn't mean shit to me but you're naive enough to be nice to me and I like it."
"And who is on your hitlist, exactly?"
"Anyone and everyone else if it means getting what I want?" She blinked innocently and Niall flushed, turning back to Harry. She smirked to herself, beginning to plot her revenge in her head. Anyone who dared to take her power from her was in for a world of pain. This was where Ellie took the backseat and her shadow self who some could even call the bougie_bitch took the lessons she'd learnt to crush her opponents. She couldn't wait to get her hands on her laptop.
"Great. Well, you were the only lead we had and it's already midnight, Louis is probably- oh, god, why did I think that? I'm going to throw up- fuck-"
"Oh for fuck's sake, pass me your fucking phone, Styles." He gripped it tightly and Zayn narrowing his eyes at her but Niall saw that gears were turning in her head. She arched a brow at them, rolling her eyes as she muttered "fine, keep searching blindly then" and the blonde next to her took out his own phone.
"You can use mine?"
"Nope. If I'm going to do this for you, I'd like to imagine we've got a little teeny bit of trust shared, Marquis- well, former Marquis, can't wait for you to give the world the gist on that but I'll have a blog on it out first. I always do." Harry gripped his phone tighter and Niall glared at her, turning to Harry.
"I know you don't trust her. Just trust me. She knows what she's doing when it comes to tech, how else would she be able to do all the shit she does otherwise? She can help. Okay?" Niall took it from a reluctant Harry and passed it over to Eleanor. The boys, save for Liam, stared intensely at her to ensure there was no funny business until she grinned and stretched it over to him. It didn't take up to a minute.
"I just wanted to try that out, surprised you actually handed it over to me by the way. Some would call me a blogger but some would also call me a very capable hacker, Styles, you should be more careful with your devices around me-" he snatched the phone from her and paled when he saw the location on the screen. Without a word, he told Liam, begging him to hurry. No one really understood why Harry was so worried. After all, it was just some hotel with the words Blue Lagoon written over it in flashing neon.
Harry rushed in and slipped past the security, sliding into the elevator. The rest looked at him with wide eyes at the desk when he yelled that they meet him at the roof before the doors shut, blocking a security guard or two from chasing after him.
Harry was shaking as he finally got to the top, knowing his legs were more than ready to collapse to the ground already. Even then, he forced himself to the edge, he forced himself to search for the horrific sight forming in his head that might await him below, clinging desperately to the rusted railing as tears left his eyes. He was just about to scream his name from the top of his lungs when he heard a soft, reassuring voice that made his blood run cold.
"Hey, be careful, you're too close to the edge... I mean, unless you're too close on purpose in which case I'm just about ready to stay up all night convincing you that you can get through whatever it is." The figure was still frozen, probably in shock and Louis sighed, moving closer with a hand outstretched. "I know it's tiring fighting so long but please... You can't give up, now. Just take my hand and- Harry. It's... It's you."
"Lou. H-hey." Louis blinked twice, looking at him, trying to memorise every inch of his face in the darkness and Harry did the same. There was silence between the two, one riddled with tension. He decided to put an end to the moment, taking a hesitant step forward then stopping himself before his inner self had him running to hug that gorgeous boy. He genuinely thought he had finally done it. He thought Harry had finally given up on him. He had so many questions.
Harry stumbled backwards blindly by a few steps from how overwhelmed he felt and Louis quickly remembered their deal, following him away from the edge but keeping his distance all the same. "Your father, he didn't- are you hurt?"
"No. I'm just... Surprised to see you. Hear your voice. I should be angry or something but I just want to hug you, right now. Is that weird?"
"Maybe a little, yeah."
"Are you going to tell me what you're doing here? Why you haven't been answering? Why you've been getting drunk and locking the door? Are you going to tell me why you left me?"
"I had to. I had to-"
"No, you didn't. No, you didn't!"
"Your father told me if I didn't, he would do things by force, whatever that could mean. I didn't want you getting hurt. I thought if I just nudged you towards Taylor and left... Harry, you're meant to tell the world that you're getting married. Right now, actually, all that yelling is still a bit fresh. Jesus, Harr-"
"I was being romantic! Louis oh my God, do not give me that 'you were naughty' look! I wasn't! Honest! I mean... Might've punched my dad in the face when he told me what he made you agree to. And I denounced my royal status. So no more money bags. Then I ran from there. So... Be proud of me?" Louis laughed and Harry couldn't help but beam at the sight, wiping his cheeks as Louis' laughter turned to coughing and then finally, he stared out at the darkness beneath them both. He looked up at Harry who looked just about ready to lunge at him at any moment and tackle him to the ground, forcing on a smile.
"I am proud of you. And I've... Missed you. Too scared to show you how much I've missed you but I have missed you."
"I'm sorry for ever even believing you would walk away from me like that with no explanation. I can't believe I fell for any of that."
"I... Truth be told? I didn't leave because of your dad's threats. I mean, it would be great to call myself a hero but that's not why. It felt like an opportunity, an excuse for finally running away from you and I took it. I left to save myself, not you. I'm not some fucking hero who sacrifices the most important thing in their life to save the day. I'm a coward who can't fight for what I want. Just like my uncle used to say. In my worst moments, I think of the light draining out of his eyes and I wonder... I just wonder what's it like. To leave, permanently." His gaze flickered to the bottomless darkness beside them and Harry sucked in a breath, adrenaline pumping through his veins.
"You don't look at that, you look at me. Me. It doesn't matter to me why you left, I don't... I don't even care, just... Just come. Let's go back down to the others. Please, Lou." Louis' eyes were so dark and hollow. It had Harry terrified and his pale expression had Louis almost laughing because damn, if only Harry knew the thoughts in his head at that moment. He finally rose his head from below, staring up at the moon rather than the fireworks still lighting up the sky.
"You know, you remind me of the moon. Lovers pine after it when besought with unrequited love and heartbreak- God, why did I just say besought. Fuck me." Harry choked out a laugh and Louis sported a weak smile, continuing on despite the screams of the voices in his head telling him to stop and leave all of this behind. "It brings its light in the darkest of days, the very darkest and reminds us that even in this endless sea of black there can be more than what meets the eye at first glance. If I'm sunshine, you, my dear Harry, are moonlight. Beautiful, soft, alluring, loving, you are...
"I find myself a roof every year. Liam thinks I take some sort of reflection walk. Lovable himbo, he is. When I come here, Harry, when I find myself a height I think is tall enough to kill me, I sit and stand and walk and cry and cry and think about how much I want to die. It's my lowest point and I hope, every year that I'll have the courage to topple off into the dark and disappear. I never do. This year hasn't been my worst one. It's been another numb meaningless blur- or it was. And then there you were. Feather boa, plaid jacket, long hair and pretty face. I thought you were arrogant and I thought you were too loud and too outgoing, we could never be anything more than a bartender and a customer. It made sense. But then...
"Harry, I've spent the entirety of tonight thinking about you. How much did I hurt you? Did I hurt you at all? Do you even care? Are you drinking? Are you having sex? Could you ever forgive me? Could I ever be so cruel as to ask for a second chance and ruin your life further-"
"You don't- I love you in my life, Lou, don't talk like that-"
"Do you want to know the real reason why I left? Why I spent tonight with only Harry, Harry, Harry on the brain? Why I'm completely, utterly terrified of you? Because I'm in love with you. Because I've never felt so much... Feeling before and I don't know what to do with it. Because I don't know how to make myself stop loving you so I can find it in my once cold, dead heart to bloody do something so you can stop loving me, too and you can just be happier for it!"
"L-Louis-"
"I wouldn't know me if I could. I wouldn't know me. I hate this person, Harry, he needs to- he needs to fucking die, why won't he just die, why do so many other babies get to be aborted but I got fucking stuck here, wh-why can't I just not exist, why did the universe have to drag someone like you into my fucking mess-"
"Oh, Lou..." Harry gazed at him, tearing up and Louis shut his eyes, turning away.
"You should be angry. You should be screaming at me. I left you. I ran away, I wasn't meant to do that. I hurt you. I betrayed you, I-"
"You love me." Louis stilled, clenching his fists. His breathing was shaky and his eyes lowered to the darkness beneath. His mind swirled endlessly, out of his control and he didn't realise he had taken a curious, longing step towards the railing again until Harry jumped on him, both rolling around in the snow.
"Harry, don't- God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything, I'm sorry for existing, I didn't mean to, Harr, I don't know how to make myself stop being such a fuck-up, how to-"
Harry scrambled over him, gripping his collar with twinkling eyes that were filled with tears of gratitude, worry, happiness. "You love me, you love me, you love me- oh, God, say it again-"
"Stop encouraging this!" Louis rolled them both over, straddling the boy and gripped his wrists, shaking his arms as he begged him to see that he was nothing. Their eyes met. He let go of Harry, not being able to look away from all that love in his eyes no matter how hard he tried to convince himself it wasn't there.
"Fine. Don't say it. Just... Kiss m-" Louis crashed his lips against Harry's in pure desperation. They shared a kiss filled with all the emotions they felt, Harry pulling away when Louis sobbed again his lips. The broken man held onto Harry for dear life, crying into his chest while Harry held him close, too afraid to loosen his grip even for a second.
Lol not me editing this with my birthday tomorrow 😂 oh well I was already feeling a bit... Weird, let's call it. Down. It's been a weird day. Weird month. Weird year, weird life, etc. Okay. Imma go now. Bai~