(My apologies for how poorly this may be written! Please just bare with me)
Adisyn Kay Wise
2 years ago
I think life is funny? It's chaotic then it's peaceful and then it's happy and then it's sad? It's funny how life works and how everything can end when you least expect it. I don't think my vision of life will ever change; If somewhere out there there's a fairy tale it will find you, you can't find it. You can't go out and look for it in every person it will simply come to you? Once it comes to you it's a beautiful feeling but it's so rare and hard to find, sometimes you want to give up.
I also believe giving up is the happily ever after. We don't live in a Disney movie where my Prince Charming will come and rescue me, we live in a real world. Fantasy worlds have been my favorite since early childhood, you are free to your imagination and you aren't limited. You can believe in dragons and princesses, you can have a royalty life, you can live in another reality where everything is possible? I think that's always been beautiful, but sometimes your imagination is to ahead that once you come back to the real world.. It seems dull. To dull to even call it life.
When I think of life I think of flowers, butterflies, rain, anything that has to do with nature. If you think about it, nature brings us life.. Without nature we wouldn't survive, nature can be colorful.. So what's life without color? The world we call life is very dull, there's no color in it? From my 20 year experience of life.. It's awfully dull and I haven't found the color to it. I wonder if it's because I don't deserve it or it's just not the right time..?
I hope the people who see life in a colorful aspect cherish it and are grateful for it; Not everyone sees the world like that. Even little kids will eventually come to realize life isn't beautiful.. Actually far from it. Maybe I'm absolutely wrong and there is color in life it's just hard to find? But in all honesty, life really does suck. And it always has, I was just to young to see it. I was too innocent, wanted to become this amazing person in the future where I'm far from doing so.
"Little to young to be drinking, don't you think?" A voice around the corner whispers. He sounded as if he was joking and surprisingly for the first time a stranger isn't bothering me? I don't mind some company tonight. I may need it?
He walked more towards the light. The dimmed light bulb only shining on his curly hair blurring out his face. Along with the dimmed light he had an orange yellowish light coming from a cigarette in his fingers reaching to his lips. All I can see from his face are his lips and the tip of his nose.
"Besides, what is drinking gonna help you with? It'd be wonderful if it solved problems but it only worsens them." Hollow footsteps as he walks over to me.
I scoff "I don't think my alcohol should bother you? Smoking isn't good for you." I point out to the cigarette in between his fingers that is reaching to his lips. His green eyes being lighted by the dimmed lantern atop of us. A hint of interest among his eyes. A small smile appears on his lips from my words, I take another sip of the glass as he sits down beside me "Yeah sure sit down,"
"Oh why aren't you polite?" He eyes me.
"My eyes are up here."
"Nice dress," I look down at my dress to see the silk dark blue dress now having dust on it.. Probably should've watched my step 20 minutes ago?
A smirk curves on the side of his lips as he gets comfortable. His knees curled up to his chest admiring the city lights. His arms resting on his knees with the lit cigarette in his right hand. "I haven't seen you around here?" He says with a light British accent that makes me smile.
"I'm not from here. My school chose some students to bring over here and I got accepted. Where are you from?" My brows frowned. I think he's a bit older than me? "You have an accent," I point out to not make it sound weird.. that wasn't weird, right?
"I moved here bout 2 or 3 years ago? My dad got better partners over here and he didn't want the family to separate, so we moved." Partners? His family must be invested in some business or something? So he may be wealthy, judging from his clothes he does look wealthy. It looks to be very good material and good style? I'm staying here all summer.. "What's your name?"
Am I really about to tell a stranger my name? Well, you kind of tell strangers your name every single day when I order coffee but that's different. It's for coffee.. I would give off my phone number for coffee anything for coffee! And food! I love food! "Adisyn Kay, you?"
"Kay's your last name? That sounds more like a name than a last name, where are you from?" He avoids the question wanting to know more about me. He makes me get excited? It's like a weird sensation of excitement, I feel comfortable to tell him more about me?
Of course good looking guys are total idiots. I breath a laugh "Idiot. What makes you think I would tell you my last name?" If he has my full name he can do any sort of research he wants. He can look up my socials, look for me in the future, and I really don't want to have someone this close to me.
He smiles "I'm Reece,"
He blows out a bubble of smoke after answering making me want to cough a little.. Would it be rude of me to cough? Would it be— I don't know, some sort of disrespect and possibly petty of me? It shouldn't be, right? I mean the smoke is making me cough but I don't know if it's rude to cough especially when the person is right in front of me. He chuckles lightly "You can cough, and no I don't smoke often,"
He reached the cigarette to his lips one final time before throwing it on the ground and stepping on it. He has a tattoo on the side of his middle finger; A smiley face and a sad face. "If you're not saying your last name I'm not sayin' mine either." He breaks the silence. As if I cared? Pretty boys are always idiots, wonder why? They also have an awfully big ego, probably bigger than the planet. But he is pretty, the moonlight shines perfectly on him?
"One of my favorite chocolates are Reese's," I say with excitement remembering his name and the chocolates name sound similar. Maybe drinking while talking to strangers isn't healthy but it definitely feels great to talk to someone. "I had this friend, she used to hate Reese's, but I think they're good? Probably because I live off peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but they're surprisingly good?"
"So.. Tell me Adisyn, why are you so lonely tonight?" He questions looking over to me fidgeting with the rings on his fingers. He has one of those 'promise' bracelets that are usually made by kids, those rainbow loom bracelets? It's not that color full, it's main colors are black, white and different shades of grey. I haven't seen someone wear those in a long time.. They bring back so many memories it brings a smile to my face.
"Do you like it?" He asked talking about the bracelets that I kept looking at, hope it doesn't seem like I'm a creep.. "Here, keep it." He yawns taking it off giving it to me. I look down at it and notice it's small details; it even has a charm with the letter R in it, beside the R there's an A? His last name must start with an A. I look up to him and give him a small nod thanking him, he looks at me with these eyes that I thought were only described in books? They have a sort of glow in them and excitement? He looks happy.. good for him.
He brings me some sort of comfort, it's like a comfort that makes me want to just break down crying and tell him about my day? Like that feeling that you get when you meet someone new and you connect so much? I just know his name but it feels like I've known him my entire life.. It feels like I can connect to him? We can relate in some way, I know nothing about this stranger but I feel so close to him. I want to tell him about my day and tell him what I did so far, I will never see him again and that's what's the most adventurous part. Knowing I will never see someone again makes me want to tell him everything about me?
"There was a party tonight but it got shut down so I came over here," I admit looking back down at the almost empty wine glass in between my hands. He nods giving me a sign he's listening. I'm still trying to comprehend why I feel like this? The excitement is better than opening a Christmas gift, the anxiety is worse than waiting to receive a test score? It falls right in between.
He sighs "Business dinner, I guess? It got pretty boring so I came up here and I've never seen anyone up here, so I can tell you aren't from here." I don't think I would mind some company tonight? Maybe that's what I need, to talk to an absolute stranger and see how much we relate? I don't even know how to start a conversation with him which is making me nervous?
"Why are you so quiet?" He asks gazing off at the city keeping his fair distance from me.
"Just thinking.. Anyway, how old are you?"
He looks over to me before answering my question "turning 21, you?" Who knew it could be so exciting but so stupid to talk a stranger? It is really stupid of me to talk to him because I know nothing about him, I just know his name and the first letter of his last name and I'm talking to him
Just a small talk. Small talks first. "I just turned 20. Happy early birthday..?" I smile a bit by his confusion. I rather say happy birthday and be early than say happy belated birthday? I feel like when someone says that it's kinda rude, like you've known them your whole life and they just say it after it's been weeks? It's even worse if they had your number, and maybe they forgot but what if you're close to them and all of a sudden they don't remember your birthday? They have your socials so they probably saw it was your birthday but yet they don't tell you.. That's just cruel?
"Happy late birthday." Now when he says it, it doesn't feel bad? He didn't know it was my birthday he's a total stranger but he still said happy birthday? I think I feel better when strangers say happy birthday. "Where are you from, like you're not from here so where?"
"I'm from New York, I go to college there and I'm studying fashion.. It's kind of a struggle dealing with all these financial stuff at this age? I mean you don't have anyone to back you up or give you advise?" I start to open up more about my life, It's like a weird feeling that I'm getting. It feels like I've known him but I know I haven't seen him from anywhere, I haven't been here in years and I'm sure I would know if I have communicated with him.
"What are you studying? If you're doing so?"
"Oh well, I was doing medicine but I didn't have a passion for it so I'm currently taking a break.. Just exploring new things to see what I enjoy?"
He nodded with a surprised expression by the question.
Medicine isn't a cheap career to just give up? And if he got a scholarship why did he choose medicine if he didn't have a passion for? When I chose fashion I didn't know what I wanted to do either but I started helping around and I found out I loved it so I continued it.. But to choose an expensive career like that and later on give it up? That's childish and immature.
I shake my head in disbelief. "Well why didn't you just take the break before starting the career? I mean when I started fashion I didn't know what I wanted to do but I did it as an assistant for a while and I enjoyed it?" I feel like I'm opening up to much when I haven't even said deep details about myself? There's still that sort of excitement inside me that's rushing through my veins.. It's like when you do something insane?
He shrugged before responding. He kept our silence for a while not answering me. "I did it to please my parents, I didn't know what I wanted to do but I was sure I didn't want to do medicine..? But, if you're their children your whole life is chosen for you." He explains a bit further helping me understand. "You must do something 'important' or you're automatically a failure to the family. You're career must be important or your life doesn't have a meaning, you must do something to help the family and become successful.." He sighed annoyingly. The more he talked about his career the more I can feel the anger he's been carrying? It honestly sucks, he has all this pressure to choose his career.
I give him a low nod to give him a sign I'm listening "You can't choose something that doesn't have importance, I had to choose in between; Law, business, or medicine." I feel sympathy for him, I feel bad. He must be going through so much pressure on a daily basis. "You see my family has these rules; You can't show what goes on behind cameras, you don't have a choice on your future, you must be perfect, you must be mature, you can't talk what goes on, you can't show any emotion, and many more." He explains the rules they must follow. That must be brutal.
"So, why are you still there? Why don't you just leave..?"
"If it was that fucking easy I would've been out of the family years ago. My dad is important and with that comes fame; interviews, photo shoots, paparazzi, fancy events, business dinners.. So on so forth. The only control we have is we get to choose if we want to be on camera. My brother is out there while my sister and I aren't as much, she's really.. In her own bubble?" I don't blame her. "She's 12 and either way I don't think my mom would allow her to be on camera. My brother must be on camera because he's taking over so he doesn't really have choice. But he seems to be enjoying it?"
"How old are your siblings?"
"My sister is 12, and my brother is 23, do you have siblings?" I nod lowly thinking about them "You aren't that close to them, are you?"
"I grew up in Wisconsin and left at 16 no regrets whatsoever and for those 16 years I wasn't really close to them? Sometimes they text me and stuff like that but we aren't that close so I guess it's kind of like being an only child? It sucks."
"I bet that does suck, my sister and I talk so I'm not an only child." It really does feel like you're an only child when you're siblings don't take you in counter. "How is that going for you?"
He's taking my life in counter and I just met him? "I do wish I had someone to argue, yell at, scream with, relate to, and stuff like that? But, since I never really had a bond with them I don't feel bad about it." He nods giving me a sign he's listening to me. "They do text me once in a while asking how it's going,"
He shrugs "I mean there's always downfalls to being the middle. You see, oldest is praised and so on? He's like the favorite and my parents really don't care showing that.. They aren't afraid to show he's the favorite. All the mistakes he does they are never shown to be mistakes they don't treat him how they treat my sister and I? Her name is Rue. They are a lot more strict with us than they are with him, he's like praised," Oh wow.
I haven't realized how hard it must be to see your siblings be praised while you're seen to be nothing. Parents like that don't deserve children, why have kids if you're only going to care about one? If you're going to have three kids you must treat them the same! "The whole thing about the youngest being spoiled is a fucking stereotype.. It's insane how society makes these things look."
He's not wrong. In every show or movie I've watched the youngest is always the spoiled one who is a baby and is a brat, but not every family works like that. And sometimes even if they are spoiled they aren't brats and that doesn't invalidate their feeling.
It's like the whole 'You don't know what you have until you loose it' that's stupid because they are multiple people who know what they have but they never imagined they would loose it. Usually that sentence is used for spoiled people but maybe they do know what they have, they just never imagined they'd be loosing it.
I gave him a small nod as my fingers twirled around the bracelet he gave me. "Oh and now imagine being the only who one smokes and drinks.. Well, imagine being the only one in their eyes who smokes and drinks. That's even worse, they really think this bitch is fucking clean when every Saturday he comes home in the morning from partying at Friday night.. It's pathetic." I listened to each of his words as it sounded he was pouring his heart out. Jesus, my heart aches for him. Life isn't easy and his certainly isn't easy.
Now to even think about his sister "And having to see her go through all of that at such a young age hurts. He doesn't know nor cares about her feelings never has and never will, he only cares about himself. And I don't give a fuck about what happens with me but all I want is for her to be safe, if anything ever happens to her I will never forgive myself." He has such a frustrated but worried face on his look, I've never heard anyone talk about their siblings that way.
Maybe I was absolutely wrong about him? I did just judge him straight off his look and the way he speaks etc... But he is pouring his feelings out to me and they aren't just worries of his life it's about his sister. He sounds sweet?
I don't know how to respond. For the first time I don't know how to comfort him and I do want to comfort but I don't know how? He looks up to me and smiles "You don't give a fuck do you?" He chuckles "You can tell I haven't had a decent conversation with someone.. my apologies." He grabs an empty clean wine glass by my side and filled it up, he gave me a cheers sign.
"You're fine, I like when people talk to me." I admit giving him a simple smile. "We're not so apart from each other, even though I don't have big sibling problems I can relate with the whole family problems. Trying to be perfect for them, so I'm sorry you go through that. It's not easy and I'm sure it must be 10x harder being compared to your sibling." I never met anyone who I surprisingly related to? If I'm here for just the summer might as well make the best of it? At the end of summer I leave.
His brows frowned "Wanna talk bout it? And yes I'm fine with it, maybe we can give each other some advise?"
He makes a smile appear on my cheeks as I try to rephrase everything in my mind about how I'm feeling.
The adrenaline rushing through my body, it's settling to me as I think about what I'm about to say. I feel my chest tighten as I keep looking back at him waiting for my response and he looks so patient I could just tell him no but something inside me needs to tell someone.
One night. I'm never going to see this guy again. Never ever going to see him again, I am going to move forward and he will be a stranger who listened to me. A one night therapist who is drinking wine with me and isn't far from my age. It's fine. It is fine. After tonight I will go back to my usual life in college and he will go back to his. It's no problem? Why am I so scared, I haven't been this scared to talk to someone in a long time. I'm telling a stranger my whole life story but it's fine because it will only be tonight.
I calm myself before opening up. I let out a deep breath "Sometimes I want to disappear from this world. I want to go to another reality and not give a fuck about the pressure I have on me. Just sleep all day and pretend nothing happened. I want to be happy but it's to hard and I fucking hate it! I just want to be my younger self, I want a hug from her and.. I want to feel something." Tears start to blur my vision making the lights from the city become brighter. They look so strange, they get stretched out and look weird? "I want to feel human again? And the most human feeling I can think of, that's easy and isn't sadness is death? Just die and never return to this fucking world!"
He nods "Everyone has these expectations on me and I hate it! Okay yes I'm a great student with a fucking scholarship but it doesn't mean I don't have problems!" My voice begins to rise as some of my words crack in between "Why don't people understand that having good grades doesn't mean you're life is perfect? And being that happy, cheerful, optimistic, problem solver friend doesn't mean I'm perfect.. I deal with problems every single day and staying alive isn't easy but I'm still here and.. That doesn't seem to be enough?"
He doesn't say a word and just listens to me ramble about my life. He has bigger problems of his own but he is still sitting beside me listening to each of my words making sure to not miss a detail. I don't even know if he's listening or pretending to listen but whatever he's doing, he's doing amazing.
"I feel like I'm not good enough?" My voice breaks in between. I can't keep my sentence together they keep on breaking.
It just seems that now I don't even know how I feel, all my emotions are just pushed to the side? I don't know if I'm scared to tell him how I feel and him betraying me the next day or am I scared to tell someone that I feel like dying. That I feel like giving up? How do you explain to someone you can't continue life knowing how cruel it is? It hurts to know I will have to continue living.
I pause trying to find each correct words "You can continue, Adisyn. I won't tell anyone, I know how you feel." He says my name so calmly it comforts me.
"I know it's hard, and I'm guessing that's what the point of life is? If life was easy then.. There won't be any life experiences or there won't be a point to it? But I'm guessing that at the end of the day there's always something to learn?" He tries to give me more comfort by explaining himself.
I wanted to tell him all of my feelings but I felt trapped? "It's.. So hard for me to explain. I'm just so tired of living the same day over and over.. I wake up every morning do the same fucking routine and at the end of the day I'm more exhausted then ever? Sleep isn't even enough for me to rest, it's so unexplainably tiring living this world!" Tears now strolling down my cheeks. I look over to him and can only manage to see a blurry version of him.
I sigh before continuing my rant. "It's so hard being told every single fucking day that people have it harder and I shouldn't be complaining? That I have such a perfect life because with great grades, a great future ahead of me."
No one ever talks about the perfect grades, clean room, good habits, eating well, smiling, laughing, showering etc in mental health? If you're falling down from your mental health your falling down in everything but no one ever realizes it's not like that for everyone... Makes people feel as if their emotions weren't valid.
They're are so many stereotypes that people believe and those who aren't going through those problems make people believe them.. All of a sudden feelings aren't valid? It really sucks because this happens with so many things; Insecurities aren't valid anymore? I thought we were supposed to understand each other and help each other but no, it really does suck.
"It sounds like you've experienced a lot of those people in your life..? Maybe stay away from them," I realized tears were strolling down my cheeks. "I know you have a beautiful smile but you don't show it often.." His words made me want to smile but my tears just wanted to continue coming out. "I believe you may also have a nice laugh but you're so concentrated on what others believe who you are that you try to become that person.. You don't want to show your emotions so you become who they believe and fake your smile and laugh."
"The amount of times I've been told I'm ungrateful and petty to say certain things. The amount of times I've been told that I have these problems because of me and I know it's because of me. I wouldn't be struggling if I were to just stay home? My family wanted to buy me a spot in this college and they wanted to get me a good apartment, they wanted to pay for everything but I left." As soon as my friends found out I was wealthy they were mad at me and I knew why they were because while they had to struggle I didn't.
"I could've stayed at home and never experienced what the real world was like but I didn't want to be that spoiled girl whose parents bought her a spot to a college when I could work my ass off instead? It's really stupid and I feel so ungrateful, I never had to struggle but I chose to struggle and now I'm complaining over my life. But I know at least have a life because I didn't have a life back there..? No family, house was always lonely, and when there was somebody it was constant complaining."
"You had every right to leave that house," Crap. I said all those things out loud didn't I? "I would leave my family too, I'm glad you escaped. Your friends don't have any right to tell you those things because they never heard your side."
"I just don't understand.. What's the point of life if I can't smile and be happy? Why am I here..?" I look down trying to avoid him to see more tears flood out of my ears. I feel weak but at the same time I feel strong.. It's an unexplainable feeling.
"I wish I could answer that," No one knows that answer. It's never been found and that's why you feel like giving up, you feel like you want to just.. Enter another reality? "Why don't you wait a bit longer so we can find out.. together..?"
"You make it sound very easy."
He shook his head "It is easy but there's something inside of you holding you back. If you've managed to stay this long why not double it? Triple it? I don't care but make it longer." My hand beside his he glided his hand in between my fingers. He rubbed them and wiped off my tears only making me want to cry more than before. I've never felt this sort of comfort before?
I want to hug him and bawl my eyes out.. "You can't give up because of what others say.. It's your life your future; It's your story you get to change whatever you'd like about it." I sighed from the tears trying to gather myself up "You can do whatever you want with your story but I think it's to soon to end it, why don't you make some changes to the story?" He makes it sound so easy even though I can tell he's struggling with his own problems I know he would help anyone. It's like he was meant to be here tonight "Change the characters, add new characters, new events? Maybe a new setting can work too?"
"Don't cry you're an ugly crier," I nod until I realized what he said. What a fucking bitch, pretty boys are always like this? Idiots who will make you happy then make you mad and upset? "I'm kidding! You can't be mad, I at least changed your mood..?"
I wiped off some tears that were still coming out "Well, everyone. Family, professors, friends, even strangers?" I shrug my shoulders trying to think of the people who have said it.
"Before I left my home, I had a good relationship with my parents but things started to fall apart. I mean a perfect family doesn't exist, but that's far from the point; They would constantly remind me that my problems were petty and that people had it worse.. I started believing them and once I left my mom I lost all sort of contact with her but those words always stuck to me?" He nodded as a sign that he was listening.
"If I may ask why are you so fucking stupid? You were being a bitch to me but you are far from that with these people?" He makes me laugh a little and I have no main idea if he meant that or just said it to make me laugh? He made me laugh, that's a good sign. "Why are you friends with people who tell you these things? Back yourself up, just how you were doing with me."
He makes it sound so easy when it's far from easy? I know that life wasn't meant to be easy but for fucks sake can I just have a break? "I'm scared." I admit with tears flooding my eyes once again. 'Welp, you're every girls dream' 'you had an easy childhood that's why you're perfect' 'You didn't have trauma so you're lucky!' 'I had it worse.' 'People are dying and you aren't so get over it,' 'You can't complain if you're lucky!' 'You talk a lot when you're perfect?' 'No trauma, no mommy issues nor daddy issues, perfect grades, perfect body, perfect face, perfect girlfriend, perfect life!' They made me hate the term perfect.
I'm a mess. I'm far from perfect and no one in this world is perfect even if they look 'perfect' they aren't. Everyone in this world has problems and if you've never dealt with them don't speak about it, don't give a biased opinion. Just shut up and allow me to show you how flawed my life is.
"I'm scared of loosing them? They're so draining to be around but... I can't just leave them? I can't just forget about them, I can't forget memories nor nicknames.. They became apart of my story? Their now the main side characte—"
He shook his head with each word I said? This time he is disagreeing with me "No. They didn't become side characters they took over your story and now they're the main characters? You turned into a side character and they have full control over your plot..." He isn't wrong but he isn't right? Yes, they may have taken control over my life but I have control as well?
"You aren't understanding me! Reece.. I became dependent of them? You aren't understanding how I feel right now! You aren't understanding my life and you are now acting like one of them, you're disguised but you're acting like them!" He looks frustrated.
He was about to say something before I interrupted. "Reece, you aren't helping a bit! I do not know what you are trying to say but you are acting to much of a therapist who doesn't even listen to me! 20 years of living a life where I'm far from happy and in another 20 years I doubt I will be happy—"
"You do not know that." Now instead of having an open conversation to a stranger of my life I'm having an argument over my life.
"You haven't reached the ending so you do not know that, you don't know anything of what the future may hold for you. You don't know the wonderful life you may have next year, you may meet the love of your life in a few months? You don't know anything about the future so it would be really pathetic to speak about your future just because of what you're currently living." I start to make those weird sniffles that sound like snorts from crying.. "I don't mean to make you cry but I'm telling you the truth; Escape from them in this reality. Don't go to another reality for a happy ending stay here."
I shake my head "Stop making it sound—"
"Stop making it sound hard!" He mocks my voice and puts a pout face "Stop crying you look like a skunk and you're to pretty to allow people ruin you. There's something else wrong.. what is it?" I shrug. Now that I'm here and I have someone I don't know what to say
"Have you ever tried a therapist or physiatrist? Counselor at school..? Anyone professional?" It's a little obvious this is my first time opening up to anyone in years so why even ask the question? "Need a hug..?"
What do I say? What do I do? Do I just run off the rooftop and forget I ever had this conversation or do I actually hug him..? Am I even breathing or am I just dreaming about a pretty boy trying to solve my life? "Are you happy?"
"This isn't about me, do you have anyone that you're close to that can maybe help you get the right sort of help?"
"How the hell am I even supposed to text my dad and tell him 'hey yeah the daughter that you thought was great is actually falling apart'?" How are you supposed to tell the person who trusted you, who cared for you, who had big hopes in you.. that you don't see yourself having a big future? That you're falling apart and you don't know how to pick yourself up this time? "It's... impossible? His only girl will be letting him down and he has high hopes for me."
He nodded as he started to understand me. "So.. you're close to your dad?"
"I was always closer to him than with my mom and he is the one who keeps more contact with me etc..." Before I left Wisconsin I went to his place just to tell him I was now leaving, I hadn't mentioned it because I knew he wouldn't agree. I also didn't believe I would get accepted so why tell him to just get his hopes up. Haven't seen him since. "I've talked to him in some occasions but as I said, not super close. Never asked him for anything yet I don't think he's proud of me, even if he ever is he has never mentioned anything about being proud of me,"
"You're the only girl?" I nod "That must be difficult," It kind of is. The guys at least have each other to ask for advise, to chat, to hang out with, communicate, have fun.
"I don't understand the point of living? It just looks so easy to give up? Maybe then will I reach my happily ever after because no matter how hard I try all I can reach is feeling okay." I haven't felt 'okay' in months and whenever I say I'm okay I'm not.
Okay sounds like you're in between leaning towards happiness but I'm leaning towards sadness or anger? I'm not okay and I have accepted that but yet it's to hard for me to accept I'm not enough? I want to be enough but that seems to be the only reason I remain alive, I want another reason to remain alive to.
I look over to him "I want to have a reason to live. I want to wake up every morning and know there's a reason or there is a person why I'm alive, I want to go to sleep knowing I want to wake up? I want to have reasons to live and that seems to much to ask but all I want is my happily ever after! I don't fucking understand why the world doesn't give me one little break. I don't care how long the break is or how short it is but for one day I want to be okay? I want to wake up every morning and know that I'm in this world for a fucking reason and I want to eat my meals knowing that someone is waiting for me to finish so I can be with them!" I continue to ramble as I look at him with tears puddled in my eyes.
"Reece I want a reason to live! I don't want to do this anymore, I don't see any color in this world and all I see is the unfairness that I have received! All I see is how stupid and pathetic my problems are and for once I just want to feel valid but no! No because my life is perfect."
"Adisyn.."
"I can't keep living in a world where I'm far from happy! Summer.. oh what a great time because it's the summer everyone's been waiting for! You have all these amazing months where you go to the beach and you are happy, you smile, you laugh and you are fucking happy! The End of Summer." My voice breaks in between each of my words as I start to snort from the words.
"The end of summer where summer memories are now just memories! Everyone goes back to their miserable lives and some even go back to having the worst mental health, they break down once again and now there is no going back because it's the end of summer! That smudgy but beautiful romance you lived is now just another summer memory, the days you spent gazing at the ocean is just another summer memory, all those beautiful moments you spent with family or friends are now just memories. All because it's the end of summer."
"You're also forgetting—"
I feel terrible for interrupting him but all he is saying doesn't seem to work anymore? It doesn't seem true. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone who has believed in me and has pressured me to get this far but I can't continue life. I can't continue living another unhappy summer and I certainly can no longer enjoy the rain without crying because all I want to do is to dance in the rain to the song I used to cry to! I'm sorry but I can't continue living—"
"Of course you can—" he continued "And you're not going to interrupt me because now I'm going to tell you everything that I've been wanting to tell you all this time!" His voice raising while my hands shake rising to touch my cheeks to wipe off the tears.
"I am not going to sit here and listen to you telling me how you can no longer live while you are allowing your life to be controlled by others! I am not going to be told that you no longer believe in yourself because a complete stranger believes in you and I hope this doesn't sound as if I'm some sort of therapist because I want to be a friend who listens to you! Right now I am not a stranger who you just met and are drinking wine with, right now I'm a friend who is listening to you trying to help you solve your problems!" He continued only causing me to cry even more.
All I can think of is I want to cry into his arms? He is making me comfortable enough to cry into his shoulders and I think that's all I need besides him.
"Kay, I am sure you are much more than what others tell you you are and I'm sure you are much more than what you tell yourself to be! You are pushing yourself down by listening to others, you can listen to them and not allow them affect you but you are allowing them to control your ending and I won't allow this to be your last summer and if it's I want to make it unforgettable." He doesn't care that he has me bawling my eyes out to a point it's turned hard to push them aside.
His stare is serious. He isn't just saying this just to make me feel better it's like I know he is meaning each word he is saying? He's not just telling them to me he's also explaining them to himself, he is so careful with his words and the way I feel such a strong connection with his him is the cherry on top.
"And no I don't have all the answers you are searching for because so am I! I'm also looking for my happy ending, I am also trying to find out the meaning of life without happiness. I'm also searching for answers, I'm also looking for my reason to wake up every morning and I'm looking for the person who I think of from the moment I wake up to the moment I sleep.l
I'm attracted to him but not in a way that I want him for me? In a way that my soul collides to his and in a way that it brings me to him? And I swear I've never felt like this is so unexplainable but it feels like it's all connected. It doesn't feel like a dream and yes it does look like a dream but it doesn't feel like a dream, it's feels real and I know it's real?
It's like his soul is speaking to me? Right now he's my safe place.
"I don't know the meaning of life and I don't know why we exist in this world if we're not happy! I've been searching for answers but I haven't found one yet but I am not just going to give up? Life is complicated and no one is perfect, no has a perfect life, no one knows what one is struggling with unless they've been in the same position you're in. Life is complicated?" All that's in my head are problems and I don't want that anymore. I don't feel happy and I don't feel as if I accomplished anything.
"That's the point of life; you're clueless of the ending or the next point? You have to figure it out just how you do in books and you have to stick the pieces together just how you do in a puzzle. Life is a non-ending puzzle, eventually everyone dies but till then and till something or someone kills you it's non-ending. But you have to make it non-ending."
"I could go on and on about the world and convince you in a thousand ways to stay with me and find out 'what's the point of life if you're not happy' But there's only one way that I know will benefit you," The tears have calmed down but all he is saying is hard to understand? I don't know what to do.
Before I could ask he adds in a lighter tone from before. "Spend the summer with me; spend the next 89 days with me and let's find out what the meaning of life is. Spend every day with me till the end of summer and then decide."
Authors Note -
I hate this chapter. This chapter makes me want to quit and work at a fast food place. That's how much I hate this chapter
But if you enjoyed it, I'm glad you did <3
If you didn't and want to give up, I understand or you could honestly skip to chapter 5 or 6?