Between the days of December the third and the twentieth of December, Louis Tomlinson barely moved from his bed and only snuck out of his room to grab some sort of snack. Seventeen days. Seventeen days Harry spent basically isolated, with his thoughts only filled with the memories of Louis' laughter and Louis' lips and Louis' frightening moments of darkness and Louis' touch.
The boys came by almost daily, either altogether, in twos or alone to make sure Harry wasn't by himself all the time but it didn't matter, as much. He spent his time with them only somewhat able to distract himself, periodically sparing wistful glances towards Louis' room.
He got Eleanor to do some digging for him, paying her for it, of course and found out that this wasn't the first time Louis had stopped speaking. As a matter-of-fact, his lawyer explained how, in his teenage years, Louis didn't say a word during the case against him, choosing to look blankly on during his court trial. Some of those tattoos weren't from self-harm scars, Harry could tell from how the position of some bruises his uncle caused fit the areas he had inked up. It was almost like a cycle was repeating itself and it had Harry terrified.
In total, after killing his uncle all those years back, a fifteen year old Louis didn't say a word for three whole years. Within that time, the Juvenile Centre had to stop him from several suicide attempts. His cellmates always feared his muteness and the deadened eyes that looked like they had seen it all, although witnessing one of his attempts had often been the breaking point that made each boy run for the hills. And then, there came the day he spoke. Eighteen years old, about to be set free and his words had been very simple.
"Why bother? I'm fucking dead!"
He had broken down after that and they had to sedate him. He was switched to the psych ward the moment they freed him, mandatorily for as long as the doctors saw fit. He gave up on trying to die, explaining to the doctors that there was no need to worry because he simply didn't have the balls or energy to even attempt, anymore. Both Harry and Eleanor were scandalised. And Louis? He was curious of the muffled conversations going on outside his bedroom door but he couldn't move. He just wanted to be dead and indeed, the state he was in mentally was a pretty close fit.
Every day, Harry would loudly talk to him through the door about random things and send him voice notes, as well. At times, it was telling him about his day, at times it was him breaking down because Louis wasn't responding. At times he was angry with Louis but he always got over that quick and ended up whispering about those private moments between them that no one else would never know about, asking him with barely any hope in his hoarse voice if he missed those moments, too. At the end of the second week, Louis sent Harry a short message.
Leave me to rot.
Free yourself.
I'm begging you.
None of this matters.
"It took you three years the last time you had a mute spell. Three. I can't leave you alone in this. I won't. Do you hear me, Tomlinson?! I'll never leave! You're bloody stuck with me, I'm not going anywhere!" Harry got no response. Not a text, not a sigh. He would take Louis cussing him out at this point but no, not a single proof of life. It was awful. The boys were a great comfort but none of them understood what it was like being there with Louis, knowing he was barely eating, knowing he was trying to recede into himself and being unable to do a thing about it.
And then, three days after that, Louis messaged him again. A message that both terrified Harry to his very bones and gave him hope for the first time in a long time.
I want you to go on the internet. Start a livestream on your Instagram account. And I want you to say the truth. Say what you truly feel about me after what you've gotten to learn these past weeks. Don't say my name. I just want you to open those pretty lips and tell me the truth. Tell me the truth. No more sugarcoating. No more flirting out of pity. You say I'm good with words, Styles but well, it's your turn, now. Do that. Do that and I'll speak, since you seem to want me to so bad. Break me with honesty.
Harry had his phone up not five seconds later and Louis did a doubletake, pressing a button. God... He hadn't seen Harry in a while. Years of being reclusive made him an incredible hider. He looked like a man in a lot of pain and it made Louis wonder what he looked like, as well. Harry should have left long before. Why didn't he just get up and leave?
"Hi. I'm sure the internet will blow up after this. I just wanted to put this livestream out there to pour out some feelings about someone... Someone who knows exactly who they are. I'm here to talk directly to them and I hope to God they're listening because I'm really trying not to break down, here. I think I'm about to have an anxiety attack, honestly and do you guys want to know why? Because I... I think I'm falling in love with you. Or maybe... No, no, somewhere along the line, I fell. I fell so fucking hard... I'm already in love with you. I... I dunno, fuck. This should probably be going much smoother."
Louis stilled, every part of his body freezing up on him. He forgot how to breathe. He wanted to convince himself that Harry wasn't talking to him, that there had to be a reasonable explanation for his words but the sincerity in his eyes had him wanting to tear away his gaze and yet completely transfixed, unable to look away from this utter mad man.
"I never actually planned to say the words... Not anytime soon, anyway. Because I don't know. You'll probably say I don't know what love is and you'd be right to assume that. I'm a hopeless romantic in my twenties who gets attached too easy and you're too cynical for all that love nonsense, I bet. Heck, I bet you're convincing yourself this is all a lie right now. And somehow, that makes me wish I had said it sooner. Because now that it's finally out of my mouth, I get to say it again and again until you either get so tired of me that you push me away or... Hopefully... You someday find it in your heart to want someone like me.
"Well, I just said that. And I'm terrified of how you'll react. I didn't mean to shock you but then again, I didn't fucking ask you to be so blind to how incredible you are that it probably never occurred to you for a second that someone could ever love you. I didn't ask you to be so unable to see how absolutely dazed you make me in all the little things, I didn't... I guess this is what it feels like. I'm getting anxiety and euphoria at the same time... I don't quite know what to make of it. All I know is that the secret is out, now. Feel free to beat me up, love. Blue says bye, by the way, to all the lovely people on this stream, most especially... You."
Harry pressed end after making the teddy bear wave his arm, hearing movement on the other end and then he was scrambling as well, tugging down his shirt just as the door opened. He let his eyes trail over that face. Those blue eyes were the most fearful he had ever seen them. "Hi. You're still alive. That's good to know. That's the only reason I did that, by the way. Had to make sure and all-"
"You... Lied." Harry knew Louis knew he had said the truth. If he didn't, he would have kept the door locked. He wouldn't have spoken. So he took a step forward, nearly coming apart when Louis yelped and moved back, stumbling over something and falling on the floor. He kept inching back, still seated on the ground and Harry begged him to stop with his eyes.
"Didn't. I wasn't about to blow my chance of seeing you. Not for a second."
"You... Then you're a fool. A genuine fool. That was the dumbest thing anyone has ever said about me and will ever say about me." Harry shut his eyes but nodded in agreement. It was true. It was stupid, what he'd done but there was Louis with his eyes and hair and voice so it was worth it. No matter what came next.
"Might be dumb and I might be the world's biggest fool, falling for someone who could never feel the same but it's true. Please stop moving away. I haven't physically seen you in so long... Heard your voice... Buried my face in your neck."
"I can't. I can't... I can't do it. I don't know how to... I'm scared. You scare me. I can't hold you, right now... Or kiss you... Or touch you..."
"Then let me. Let me hold you. And kiss you. And touch you. Let me." Harry lay down next to him, placing a hand slowly on his chest that had Louis shutting his eyes tightly. Harry looked him over, wondering how he could cause so much pain to the man he loved with his presence alone. And then Louis let shaky words slip past his walls and Harry just knew he was done for.
"Harry... P-please..." Harry ignored the way his breath hitched, used to his body's reactions when it came to Louis and leaned down, letting their lips meet. Louis rose his hands and let his fingers roam Harry's hair, both of them trembling slightly and both unable to stop themselves from crying. Harry finally let go, looking away when Louis whispered, "Why are you doing this to me?"
"I could ask you the same question." Harry picked him up and pulled him closer as they got into bed, deciding he was definitely going to be the big spoon that night. Being next to Louis had Harry so comforted after all the nights that exhaustion seemed to suddenly hit him like a ton of bricks and he dozed off, leaving the man in his arms asking himself what he could have done to make Harry ever hit upon such a horrifying thought and be so damn sure of it that his confidence in what he said on that livestream oozed off his being, despite how awkward he seemed at the same time.
Harry turned about the next morning, finally opening his eyes and he could already tell in his half-asleep state Louis wasn't with him. He shot up, not bothering with his bunny slippers and rushed into the living room, swallowing down a million horrifying scenarios that had caused his throat to tighten painfully when he saw Louis standing over the stove. Harry could tell by the smell that it was the same thing he had cooked the first day he decided to make their meal for a change while they had been living together at Harry's apartment.
"Is that... Chicken stuffed with mozzarella, wrapped in parmaham?"
"You remember?"
"Mhmm, how can I not when you were looked so proud of yourself? And we can't forget the mashed potatoes, 'f course. You really shouldn't have gone through all this trouble... You're the one not doing too great this time, I should be the one taking care of you." Louis shook his head, continuing to serve the food and Harry bit the edge of his thumb, feeling miserable as the thoughts of what Louis' thoughts were swirled around in his head. "Are you okay? Are we okay? Last night, the holding... did that upset you? You're not going to go ahead now that I've left your room and lock it up again, right, Louis?"
"Does it really matter? Does anything I say or do really mean a damn thing-"
"Yes. You matter. You matter so damn much, Lou."
"Stop treating me like this. Stop being kind. Stop forgiving me for my shit, stop-"
"Forgiving you? You haven't done anything wrong."
"While I was in that room, ignoring the world, you were struggling. And I was too lost in myself to help you. That was my fault. I hurt you."
"You were in pain... And you didn't hurt me on purpose. Just let me in, please. I want a new rule. No more locking doors. It's not something we do, anymore. It's not allowed."
"Harr-"
"You can't say no. I'm not asking." Louis stared at Harry. The eyebags under his eyes, his trembling lip. His expression hardened and he placed a hand on his cheek, looking him square in the eyes.
"While I was in there, you spoke to Eleanor. You called her up. And I heard you two mention my name."
"Agree to the rule," Harry said simply.
"Harry, what did you and her talk about? What?"
"Agree to the rule, Tomlinson."
"Harry!"
"Louis, hit me. Hit me if you want to get the truth out, I'd rather it be me than you getting hurt but I'm not saying a word until you agree to the fucking rule!" Louis pulled his hand away like he had been burned, lowering his gaze.
"Hit you...? I'm not one of your exes, Harry."
"True. At least, they wanted me. Not in the way I want you to want me but it was something, wasn't it?"
"...I agree to the rule. No more door locking. Now, tell me what she said. Tell me what you heard about me."
"Everything, pretty much."
"You think that's love? Stalking on me? Digging into my past without my fucking permission?!"
"I was terrified, Louis, I was terrified! I needed to know what I was up against-"
"And how do you fucking feel, now, huh?!"
"Even more terrified... But not of you. Could never. I'm scared of losing you."
"Doesn't matter. I scared you. Exactly why you shouldn't have hung around in the first place."
"It's just proof. That I... About the love thing. It's proof. Because when it came to my exes, I knew they would leave. I feared it but I expected it. When it comes to you, it scares me thinking of you leaving. I know you'd only walk away from me or just t-take yourself away from this earth and leave me not because it's something I can be blamed for but because of you putting so much blame and hate upon your own head. When I look at you, I keep getting flashes of those reports. I need you to know what you mean to me. I need you to. So yeah. You know what? Maybe I do fucking love you. Maybe I love you so much that it truly hurts. And maybe I should say that again and again because if I don't say it, then I might lose you before you finally let yourself hear the words-"
"You won't lose me. I'm not him, anymore. I mean, my mind is still the same, sure. Still feel worthless and mostly empty and mostly like dying and mostly like everything is meaningless..."
"Doesn't sound like any thing's changed...?" Louis stared up at him in a solemn silence, his eyes screaming the answer and Harry let out a soft gasp. He was the reason Louis wasn't the same man he'd been a year ago. He was the only reason.
His shock got a chuckle out of Louis who then lowered his gaze, pushing around the plate of food in front of him. He had only made enough for two because Harry would have been upset with him but he definitely didn't deserve to eat until at least the next year came around.
"You make me so... I hate what you've done to me. I hate that I can't let you go. I hate that I'm too attached to you, now, I hate that I want to try and see some light in this stupid worthless existence, now because you just happened to stumble into my life with your purple feather boa and penchant for drinking and you just happened to fucking save me because I guess that's what princesses do. I am a drag on your life, Harry. I am weighing you down my endless abyss, one I'm supposed to drown in alone-"
"No, Lou, no, it's the opposite. You're my sunshine, Lou, my sunshine, y-you mean everything and more to me- you make me the happiest I've ever been- don't say that-"
"Why won't you leave? Why won't you just go? You've seen my files. You know what I am. You know that I am too dead and broken a thing to ever give you the love you deserve... Why are you hurting yourself like this, Harry? When are you going to finally stop with this continuous attachment to men that only destroy you and find someone who will treat you like the god you are?"
"I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you-"
"Genuine answers, Harry. Stop lying to yourself-"
"Repeat that back in your head because you're the one that needs to hear it... My broken, struggling ray of sunshine... Trying his best for me and hopefully, some day, for himself, too. We're going to be alright, Lou. I promise you we're going to be alright. Together. Somehow... Somehow, I just know. We'll like... Get hitched and have a dozen bubbly poet babies. You tell them bedtime stories and I'll spoil them senseless with kisses and you know, toys, too. And even if you find someone else some day to love, I will be the loudest person cheering when you kiss him at the altar. Because you deserve everything and not a thing less. Okay?"
"God... fuck you. Fuck your stupid golden heart and your stupid pure soul. I... I hate... I hate..." he trailed to a stop, leaving love bites against Harry's flushed skin as he let his fingers get lost in that silky chocolate waterfall of hair.
"I love you too, Lou, I love you too. So, so much..."
At some point, writing this chapter, I broke my own heart. Like I'm numb but I can tell on the inside something in me just curled up into a ball and cried till it withered away to nothing and I just... Like... No ❤️
Was that because of what I was writing or just my mind deciding to dive unwarranted, I wonder?
Shit, I wonder what comes next, I'm half glancing at a loose plot I wrote but mostly making it all up as I go and it's amazing this way, just letting my fingers do as they damn well please. Fuck, not me wanting to cry haaaaa
Sorry for the a/n, being dramatic af in this one but well I do do that, sometimes~
Ugh. I wrote this a/n a bit ago. No one is rlly reading this but umm well, glad it made me feel smth when I first wrote it, even for a bit 🤷🏾