Thirteen.
Why is it so heavy to feel nothing?
Because of the suffocation that I've felt inside our house, I decided to visit my friend, Margarette, and bring some of my things with me. I don't need to inform my parents about it. They just simply don't care about me, and it's fine.
It's not like it's end of the world.
It's always Elaine Fonsesca, the best daughter for them.
"Inom tayo..."
Lumipat ang tingin ko kay Margarette. My brow arched in confusion. She hates drinking. She tried it twice pero ayaw raw niya talaga ng lasa nito, and now, she's inviting me to drink? In what reason?
"'Te, kung dahil 'yan sa performance mo sa school, h'wag mo nang subukan. Pagsisisihan mo na naman 'yan bukas," I sipped on my coffee while reviewing my papers.
"No, I really want to try. Baka this time, magustuhan ko na ang lasa." She argued. "And it's not because of my academic's performance! You think I'd drink because of that?"
"P'wede rin, kapag nape-pressure ka."
Her face was distorted with disgust. Inirapan lang ako nito at hindi pinansin ang aking sinabi.
"If you don't want to drink, just watch me drinking," she pleaded. "I used to do that when you was so devastated and you want to drink but I can't drink with you since I'm not fond of alcohol. Baka ngayon, magustuhan ko na."
Nanliit ang aking mga mata sa kan'yang sinabi. She sounded so desperate. She isn't usually like this. Baka may pinagdadaanan 'tong kaibigan ko, at tingin niya madadaan niya sa alak. We really like to escape and forget our problems. I just wish we could forget them forever.
I sighed. "Ano'ng oras?"
"Are you g tonight? Are you done with your outputs?" She started fixing her things and putting it inside her bag.
"Hindi pa pero kaunti na lang 'to. I can do this tomorrow."
I feel so comfortable in their house. I feel so welcomed and accepted by them. If only I could live here... but I will never abandon my own family just for my own sake. Disappointed na sila sa akin. Ayaw ko nang madagdagan pa 'yong disappointments nila sa akin. Pagod na pagod na akong tumingin sa mga dismayadong nilang mga mata.
"If you have problem, you can tell me about it, okay?"
"I don't have. I just want to experience some things that I haven't experienced yet."
I shrugged my shoulders and just let her what she wants to do. She informed me that she'll just get drinks from his Dad's room and she'll bring it here in her room. Nagligpit ako ng mga gamit naming dalawa at inayos ang kan'yang kuwarto habang hinihintay siya. When I finished cleaning her room, I get my phone to entertain myself but seconds later, I received a message from Seferino Zavion.
My lips curved into a thin line. This is getting interesting.
From: Zavion
Hi, are you busy?
Napanguso ako. I quickly typed for a reply and send it immediately.
To: Zavion
Nandito ako kina Margarette. Iinom kami. Sali ka? Mukhang problemado 'yong bff natin, e.
From: Zavion
G, punta ako. Tapusin ko lang 'to.
To: Zavion
Okay pi.
He didn't reply after that. Sakto rin namang pumasok si Margarette, may bitbit na iilang bottles at inilapag 'yon sa kan'yang maliit na mesa. She quickly opened the drinks and poured an estimated amount of it in our glasses. Inabot niya 'yong akin ngunit nilapag ko muna sa aking tabi 'yong baso. Diretso niyang nilagok 'yong kan'ya. She looked at me after that but she immediately shifted her gaze into her glass.
While watching her reaction, it's very obvious that she doesn't want to drink but something is pushing her to do this. Buhos lang siya nang buhos sa kan'yang baso at diretso lang niya itong nilalagok. Nakatatlong baso pa lamang ako ngunit sa kan'ya ay halos hindi ko na mabilang sa sobrang dami na niyang nainom sa loob lamang ng maikling oras.
"Tell me honestly, Margarette, what's the matter?" My eyes got smaller.
She looked down. "Hindi talaga ako marunong magsinungaling, 'no?"
I took a deep breath and drank the beer that she poured for me.
"Ang obvious mo naman kasi, gago."
"Siya ang gago, hindi ako."
"Ano? Sino'ng gago?"
"Hay, tanginang internet love 'yan amputa. Wala talagang true love diyan sa internet love, 'no?" She bluffed. Uminom muli siya at nilingon ako.
My lips parted in shock. I didn't know that I'd hear this from her! Tangina, sobra siyang nandidiri sa internet love dahil hindi naman daw 'yon totoo, tapos... gago? Umiinom siya ngayon dahil doon?
Sinubukan kong magsalita ngunit walang kahit na anong salita ang lumabas mula sa aking bibig. Gulat na gulat pa rin ako sa aking narinig mula sa kan'ya. Muntik ko na nga ring mabitiwan ang basong hawak ko, ngunit mabuti na lamang at mabilis akong naibalik sa ulirat.
"May ka-internet love ka?"
"Oo, gago. One week trial. Tanginang 'yan."
"Tangina talaga, bobo. Na-in love ka sa one week na 'yon?"
"Sabi niya gusto niya rin ako tapos ngayon, gh-in-ost ako? Hayop na 'yan. Kung saan ready na akong ikuwento siya sa 'yo!"
I can't restrain my laugh anymore so I burst out laughing. She looked at me her with her sharp eyes. Mariin kong nakagat ang aking pang-ibabang labi upang matigil ang aking sarili sa pagtawa. Inirapan lamang ako nito at nagpatuloy siya sa pag-inom.
She took a deep sigh. "Hindi ko na lang dapat sinabi sa 'yo. I know you'd react like that."
"Because you are Margarette and you don't believe in such thing," I laughed.
"Yes, I was fooled..."
"Are you being like that because you were just attached or you're in love?"
She released a deep breath. "I don't know. Maybe I'm in love because it fucking hurts, Elvira."
Napanguso ako. People are really different when they are in love. They will forget their views about love. Nagbabago 'yon... at minsan pa nga, ibinibaba nila ang kanilang sarili para sa taong 'yon.
"Zavion informed me that he's going here. You told him about this?" She shook her head and tried to change the topic.
"Oo, taga-riyan lang naman siya tabi, e, saka bff mo 'yon."
"Nand'yan na ata siya," she said quietly. She put down her phone and massaged her temples. Ngayon ay papikit-pikit na siya, mukhang tinamaan na ng alak.
After informing me about it, I heard a click sound from Margarette's door. Umarko lamang ang kilay ko nang makita ko ang papasok na si Zavion. He is still wearing his usual facial expression, the emotionless expression. His eyes are also emotionless but I know that deep inside, he's exhausted. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa aking baso at mabilis na umiwas ng tingin.
Him and his dark aura.
"Am I late?" Zavion spoke, in his raspy voice.
"I thought you're busy, Zavion? Hindi ka talaga magiging busy pagdating kay Elvira, 'no?" Margarette, despite of being tipsy, managed to show us her grin.
Napaismid ako sa kan'yang sinabi at binato siya ng hawak kong tissue. She just rolled her eyes and gave Zavion a drink. He sat beside her and put his keys on Margarette's bed. I bit my lower lip and drank the beer straightly.
I don't really know why Margarette keeps on teasing Zavion about me. Kung tutuusin, sila nga 'yong close na close. Bakit hindi niya asarin 'yong sarili niya sa kan'ya?
"O, ayan, pangpalakas ng loob," she laughed.
"Hindi ko na kailangan niyan. I have my own ways," he grinned.
"You better have..."
I don't get what they're talking about, so instead of listening to their conversation, I busied myself with my phone. Kapag sinasalinan ni Margarette ang baso ko, roon lamang ako umiinom. Kita ko sa gilid ng aking mga mata na naka-ilang baso na rin si Zavion. Sila nga lang talaga nagkakasundo ni Margarette dahil parang may hidden message sila sa bawat lagok nila ng alak.
His lips reddened as he lick his lips after drinking his last shot. Kitang-kita ko ang paggalaw ng kan'yang adam's apple mula sa aking kinauupuan. His eyes were closed so he's not aware that I'm looking at him.
My eyes shifted on Margarette who suddenly stood up. She pointed the door of her comfort room and murmured something that I couldn't hear. My brow arched in confusion.
"C.R. lang ako. Bumabaliktad sikmura ko," mahinang saad ni Margarette, narinig ko pa ang pagmumura niya habang tinatahak ang daan papunta sa C.R.
Silence enveloped us when Margarette disappeared. Napayuko ako sa 'di malamang kadahilanan nang biglang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa ni Zavion. I cleared my throat and get the bottle to pour a drink in my glass. Palihim kong kinagat ang aking pang-ibabang labi at bigla na lamang bumilis ang aking paghinga.
"She looks so wasted..." Zavion started a conversation.
"She really is. Broken, e," I chuckled. "Ayos lang sa 'yo kahit malasing ngayon? Hindi ba maaapektuhan no'n 'yong gagawin mo bukas?"
"Hmm..." He brushed his fingers against his lips. "I'm free tomorrow. Are you free tomorrow, Elvi?"
"H-huh?" I stuttered.
"Are you busy tomorrow?"
Even though I don't understand why he's asking me that kind of question, I still open my mouth to speak.
"May kailangan akong tapusin," I answered simply.
"Uh-huh..." He nodded his head slowly. "Maybe I can help you with your papers. Punta ako bukas sa inyo, gusto mo?" He smiled sheepishly.
Bigla akong natawa sa kan'yang tinuran. "Are you sure with that? Hindi 'to burden sa 'yo?"
"You will never be a burden to me, Itzel..."
I was caught off-guard. I drink the beer immediately and looked away.
Those people around me used to say that I'm a big burden to them, at ngayon na lamang... ngayon lamang may nagsabi na hindi ako pabigat sa kanila. It hurts when someone makes you feel that you're worthless, pero gan'to rin pala kasarap sa pakiramdam kapag ramdam mong mahalaga ka.
"Thank you," I mouthed, and smiled.
"No," he shook his head. "Thank you, Elvira. Thank you for fighting... thank you for being brave. Thank you... for existing."
Zavion was a stranger to me before. He was just a roommate of my ex-boyfriend; the suplado, studious, and snobber. He doesn't even know how to smile... but days passed by, I'm starting to be thankful that I got to know him, that destiny brought us together.
For me, before I met him, life has no meaning at all, pero nang iparamdam niya sa aking na nand'yan lang siya lagi, naniniwala na makakaya ko... I found myself starting to believe again. When everything falls apart, I found myself picking up the pieces of me.
Hindi ko inakala na isa siya sa mga taong magpapakita sa akin na minsan... maganda rin pala ang mabuhay.