After having something to eat, we went to the park with Elizabeth and Fritz. They buzzed around for a while, before wanting to be pushed on the swings. So I pushed Elizabeth and Fritz on the swings, sending them up high and letting them swing themselves after a while. Fritz was squealing in excitement, going so high it frightened me.
"Michael? Why aren't you joining in?" I turned around, knowing he was tired from chasing after Elizabeth. He seemed to be distracted by something.
"Michael, are you okay?" I called over, assuming he was just nervous.
"Fine."
"Oi! Bitch faces!" That woman screamed from a distance, waving at Michael with a smile. A mother of two was glaring at us as if it was the end of the world.
"Ignore her." Michael sighed to himself, avoiding the notice of the sound of the only person he didn't want to see. He pulled out the grass making a nest.
"Catch me, (y/n)." Elizabeth giggled, before jumping off the swing when it was high in the air. I rushed over, preparing to catch her.
"Ouch..." I whimpered as I couldn't catch her with both arms, I pulled something in my arm, dropping Elizabeth and whined in pain.
"Me next!" Fritz laughed.
"No!" I yelled.
"Why not? You let her jump." He looked down.
"She hurt my arm. Don't. I wouldn't catch you." I warned him, however, he jumped anyway. I caught him, feeling his weight land on my bad arm, forcing more pain to run through it.
"Never do that again, please..." I teared up in pain, trying to let out words but I wanted to cry in pain. "I said no... why did you jump?..." I whimpered.
"I-" He looked down, unsure what he had done.
"I told you I am hurt. When I say no to something then it is a no. You aren't allowed to do that until I am fully better." I scolded him, seeing him crying.
"But... I-" He cried, rubbing his eyes.
"Don't cry, listen. Please don't do that again. I'm hurt now. Thank Elizabeth."
"I'm sorry." She looked down.
Parents looked at me like I was being harsh. Their faces grew in disgust as they watched as I hugged him and Elizabeth.
"Sorry, big sis is hurt. It isn't your fault but if you want me to be better. No more jumping. I can't catch you without hurting." I sighed, hugging him into calmness.
"Sorry." He hugged me tightly, allowing me to lift him.
"Michael." I turned around to see Michael being toppled by Max and Alex.
"Eat dirt!" Alex laughed, the person in the middle of their pile, Max, was on top. They have hugged Michael with care.
"Gross!" Elizabeth booed but they didn't hear her or they ignored her. "Go somewhere else to do that." She stormed over to them.
"Thank you." Fritz hugged me. "Today has been fun so far. When do we go get mammy presents?" He snuggled into me, not wanting to let go.
"Later, when we head off home. I promise."
"Climbing frame." Elizabeth ran off to the climbing frame with Alex Max and Michael ran after them laughing.
"Hey, child." I heard Roselyn giggling nearby. Looking around to see her behind me. She was as beautiful as ever. Her hair was well done, Her eyes could kill, her red lips matched her outfit, a red torn top with a back leather jacket and black shorts with fishnet stockings and boots, which had red leases. She held a great posture.
"Hey, you look pretty today." I smiled, being nice.
"Damn right, I spent a lot of time looking this good, so I better be the prettiest motherfucker you have ever seen." She smiled with confidence.
"Come drinking with me tonight at Alex's."
"I won't be allowed. It's a school night and my mother needs help at home." I said, feeling awkward.
"Come on, join in on the fun, or are you still a mammy's baby girl."
"I have school tomorrow." Her words didn't affect me. I said no, and I was standing by my ground. No means no and nobody can make me do something I don't want to do.
"Okay fine, if you change your mind, Alex lives near the Centre of town, down the road with that old weird tree, at door 56. Just in case. "Been having fun?" She asked.
"Nice, I beat Michael at playing arcades," I smirked, feeling so proud of myself.
"Impressive." She patted my back. "Why don't you tease him? Entertain him. You have the requirements to be a tease."
"Why? I didn't care. I have Fritz to take care of and don't need to be a bad influence on him." I crossed my arms, refusing to do what she suggested. It would be inappropriate and not what I want. I want a friendship, not a failed whatever they had.
"Okay. Cherry Bon, you know my number, call me any day, I'm down with a good chat." She winked. Is she being suggestive of something? Why does she keep winking at me?
"I'm sorry for yesterday, I didn't think you two would argue, I am sorry." I apologised to her.
"It's alright, lamb chop, I realised we are very different but we can learn from each other. You want to be more confident. I will teach you how." She smiled, allowing her nice perfect teeth to show.
"Rather not..." I walked away, seeing Michael happy with the two other boys. I was glad he still can hang around his other friends without things being hard. I was worried that he would think Roselyn would have made up some story to get them to hate him, but no, they are all great friends.
I wandered over to the climbing frame with Fritz, seeing him run off to it. He tried his best to climb it. Michael, Max and Alex, were at the top with Elizabeth.
"Climb up, (y/n)!" They chanted, clapping their hands. "You can do it!" they whistled and raved.
"No, rather stay in the ground." I laughed at them.
"Come on up, it's easy," Max said.
"(y/n), you can do it! We believe in you." Alex chanted, waving his arms around.
"Fine." I chuckled, climbing up to where they are, and tightly gripped onto the bars, afraid of falling. They had their arms around each other's backs for support.
"How's life (y/n)?" Alex asked, putting an arm around my back for support.
"Alright, I won against Michael." I grinned.
"You didn't. We tied, no winner."
"To have a draw, you need to have to win a few times." Max grinned. "Let the little lady be happy with a draw."
"Exactly." I was proud of myself, that I could beat him a few times, and can't say shit about me winning.
"No, we tied, no winner." Michael huffed.
"Just because you lost doesn't mean you can be salty about it. You should just get better." I smirked.
"(Y/n) help!" Elizabeth dangled from high up, crying as she tried to keep a hold on the cold bars. "Too high." Her voice was covered in fear, needing to be saved.
"Alex, get to the bottom," Michael said, chuckling, and whispered something to him. Alex nodded and got down. They had all of a sudden planned something.
Micheal climbed to Elizabeth, grabbing her wrists. "I got up." he hushed her.
"I'm scared." she cried, trembling, afraid of the massive drop below her. "Please help me." She pleaded.
"I have a hold of you. I got you. Calm down. Can you pull yourself up?" He calmly asked her.
"No... I'm scared." she was paralysed from the fear of falling, trembling and shivering. She cried and whined, pleading to be lifted.
"You have to try and pull yourself up, you know I'll have a hold of you. Got it. If you can't, the only way is down." he told her.
"Please no! Don't drop me. Please don't," she screamed on, crying, begging and pleading not to be dropped.
She screamed when he let off her, landing in Alex's arms. She cried more, hugging herself. She was so terrified she couldn't stop crying, nor realised that she didn't hit the ground.
"Look at that, you are all fine." Alex hugged her, rocking her, while Micheal climbed down to get her. He rushed over and checked her if she was alright, but she cried, kicking Michael away from her. Too afraid.
Fritz got down and went to check on Elizabeth. "Want a hug." He jumped and hugged her. "All better." He attempted to make her happy and it was so adorable.
"Who wants to get ice cream and then, we can have a tea party." Michael took Elizabeth from Alex's arms.
"Dress up Michael again?" Max put ideas into Elizabeth's head.
"A dress-up tea party," I suggested, to help cheer her up. "We can make Michael the prettiest thing anyone will ever see."
"Okay but I'm the princess of the tea party." Elizabeth agreed, crossing her arms.
Me, Alex and Max celebrate, jumping around each other, laughing. "Princess Michael!" We chanted.
"Oh no..." Michael disapproved of the idea but didn't complain about it. He saw how happy his sister was about the idea, only he needed to see to just put up with it.
"Tea party?" Fritz asked, confused.
"Yes, you can be the prince and follow my lead." She smiled, getting out of Michael's arms, hugging Fritz. "Your sister is a princess with me because she is a lady like me and we ladies must set good examples for stinky boys."
"I'm not stinky." Fritz looked sad.
"That is why you are the prince. You are above Michael and his friends because they are stinky."
"I have been in the shower this morning." Michael huffed.
- later -
The sky deepened into a dark blue with wishy-washy colours, clouds scrapped across the skin, when we got home. Fritz snuggled within my arms.
"Hey." Michael stopped me from going inside, gently holding my arm. "When can I next see you?" he asked. I looked at him, seeing his boyish charms work wonders under pastel reddish, orange sky, making his lush sea blue eyes pop.
He looked very soft with the colours peaking around him.
"Whenever. I really enjoyed today and I'm sure Elizabeth and Fritz had the best time. Thank you." I smiled softly.
"I'll call you when I think of something to do." He smiled. "I have a million and one plans I want to do, I hope some of them I can do with you."
"I'm sure those things I can beat you at." I smiled with confidence.
"You couldn't break even with me, so how do you expect to beat me?" I chuckled, looking down for a moment then back at me.
"I'll find a way. Trust me, I'll win something."
"You clearly win at being the better oldest sibling." He scratched the back of his head, jokingly laughing.
"No, I think you win that. Even though I question how you treat your sister, it is all jokes between you two and it's fun and heartwarming to see you both able to joke. I don't joke about stuff with my brother. He's too young to understand."
"Been telling Elizabeth, she'll be refunded ever since she was a baby." He had that charming smile to him.
"That's harsh." I laughed slightly.
"She has built up humour and a hard shell. You are just a softie but there isn't anything wrong. You will build up your shell by experiencing life." He smiled, knocking on his head to prove that he was tough.
"Okay, whatever you say." I kissed his cheek. "You should get going. I don't want you to get into trouble for leaving your sister at home alone."
"Don't worry, I'm already in trouble, so have a nice night and sleep tight." He smiled. "So if I survive, may I entertain your Friday night?"
"Friday night, well, I'm grounded over the weekend, so Friday, you can if you want to. I'll leave my window open for you." I felt special, knowing he wanted to spend more time with me. He was amazing and I was sure he could make Friday fun.
"See you around." He headed off waving.
"See ya!" I opened the front door, waving at him
I entered the house, seeing nobody. It didn't sound like anyone was in or seem like nobody was in. So rested Fritz on the couch, making sure he was comfortable.
"Mam!" I called out, wandering into the kitchen for a drink of juice. Nothing much was in the Fridge. Basics. Milk, eggs and butter. A half-opened can of beans. Why? Because why not. I got out the carton of juice. Mine now. Fritz could fight me for it but I would win. My juice. I put a bag of sweets on the bench. Fritz and I picked them out for our mother to have. A gift to remind her we are grateful for all she has done for us.
"Mam!" I yelled again.
On a beach was a note, reading "at Mrs Dela's. please behave and no Michael in the house."
I called my Mrs deal but only to get no answer. I called again. Not stopping until I got through.
"Hello?" Mrs Dela answered. "Mrs Dela speaking?" Her voice was old and slow, taking her time to get out words.
"Hello, it's (y/n), your next-door neighbour, I was wondering if my mam is away from yours," I asked sweetly and softly.
"No, I did see her leave earlier. She said she was having her day out, whatever that meant. The youth change the way we speak so frequently, I don't believe I could ever understand what people say these days." She slowly complained.
"Oh, so she's out drinking with her new friends? She was really upset earlier."
"Oh yes, she told me about it, I'm so sorry. When shush things happen to me, it is like losing a part of me, after all, being with someone for a long while, you get that sense of them being a part of you and you are part of them. When one is gone, that feeling of having half of you present, while the other father is far gone. However, it isn't a topic to be frightened by, it is only a natural way of life and it will come for us. Depending on what you think, our loved ones will always be around in their own special way. Photos, memories, little habits you develop over time. It's all a product of that person that has been around."
"What are you talking about," I asked, confused about her ramblings.
"I know grief is hard, but denial isn't the best way to get through it. It happens to the best of us to want but life is a massive cycle, everything has a cycle. We live and we die and sometimes, our life is short and I know it is difficult to comprehend when someone young dies. It's hard, life is hard but we are all here to support each other and your mother has her ways of coping with such hardship as losing someone she is spiritually, lawfully and emotionally connected to."
"Did my mam say when she would be home?" I asked.
"Before midnight. That is all, but I do suggest you if you have any time spend your time helping me around my garden to help cope." Mrs Dela spoke so softly, being as gentle as possible with her words.
"Okay, see you any time, I feel like needing some advice." I smiled, hanging up, hearing the front door open and close.
"Mam?" I stormed to her, to check if she was okay. "Where have you been? Are you okay? Who have you been with?" I hugged her, seeing that she wasn't in the right mindset to be questioned. I could tell that she had been drinking, a rare thing for her to do. She was never the type to just drink without reason. Only drinking for celebration but never to the point of drunkness. She would always have a glass of wine or two but never went past that.
"(Y/n)?" My mam sighed, leaning on me, hugging me tightly as she began sobbing. "My sweetie..."
"Tell me what got you so upset," I asked her, helping her to the kitchen, sitting her down at the table. "Would you like some water?" I asked, trying my best to help her.
"You are too close, calm down." She stumbled her way to the kitchen.
"Take deep breaths." I got her a glass of water and put it in front of her.
"Just go to bed." my mam pushed me away, hating me crowding around her. She shooed me away, not wanting to see me in her face.
"Not until you tell me what is wrong. Tell me, why are you upset." I held her hands, stopping her from fighting against me from helping her. She needed to calm down and speak. "Tell me what is wrong."
"Leave me alone." She fought against me, tearing up. I hugged her, worried that she might hurt herself by accident. Everything I did was to calm her down, to make sure she felt safe and not to accidentally hurt herself in a drunk state. In a drunken haze, she dug her nails into my skin, struggling to get out of my arms.
"Just tell me what is the matter." I calmly rubbed her back, trying to comfort her.
"It's about your father." She suddenly changed from being aggressive and trying to escape my arms, to being calm and trying to speak. "My baby girl. Please let me go." She cried more.
My heart stopped when she mentioned father. Was he alright? Did something happen? Despite knowing what it could be, I questioned and wanted to believe it wasn't what I thought it was about. I couldn't possibly. He promised and I might have tricked myself into believing what he said to keep everything fine.
"No, I'm going to smother you until the end of time, now tell me. What is wrong with dad?" I needed her to tell me. Otherwise, I wouldn't believe myself. I knew it was what I thought but it was so hard to believe when I kept telling myself for years he was going to be better, he was going to come home one day and everything would be fine again.
"I'm sorry." My mother couldn't say. It was something she wasn't prepared to say to her children. She didn't have to say anything to let me know the worse had happened. It was heartbreaking to know. While she was suffering, I was out having fun, enjoying the day, blissfully unaware of what had happened.
"You could have told me this morning," I said, trying not to cry.
"What was I supposed to say? Hey, Fritz, hey (y/n). Your father didn't make it last night. I didn't have the guts." she broke down more, crying. "Not when you both have been waiting and hoping for years. I didn't want to destroy your hope." She cried more, hugging herself, making herself so small.
"If I knew I would have stayed home to help you. You should have told me." I felt hurt. My hopes were destroyed but I should have stayed home and made sure my mother was alright. We could have started the grieving process in a different way.
"Just go to bed." my mother raised her voice, refusing to see me. "We'll talk about it in the morning."
"What is there to talk about?" I raised my voice back at her, getting emotional and tearful. My father was important to me just as much as he was important to my mam, but no, she decided to grieve by herself and not tell me. "My dad is dead and you decided to go out drinking, I'm sorry what. Why did you go out drinking! That isn't good to help with grief. Don't use alcohol to get rid of your problems." I scolded her for her choices. "It will only cause more issues. So you know don't fucking do that again. We can get through this together because you know, we are a family, but no, you want to make yourself suffer more than you have to." I was so angry and sad. I didn't know what I felt. I couldn't describe this over whelmenting amount of grief and pain that bubbled inside of me. Over the many years of built up sadness of what ifs. It all came true and how I was supposed to cope with this when my mother wants to grieve on her own.
"Don't lecture me about my choices! What am I meant to do? You are a child! You don't know about life when you haven't truly lived."
"No, you babied me for 17 years and didn't allow me to experience things on my own. I don't know shit because you never let me experiment and see how things turned out and one bad thing that happened ended up helping me make friends. I have friends, I enjoyed my day with people around my age. So you know that for not allowing me to see the hardship of life. I do know alcohol and built-up frustration doesn't mix well. It takes a screwdriver in the back of the throat to learn that." I explained with a tear running down my cheek.
"You're doing my head in." My mother complained, walking away from me. "Go to bed." She drank water.
"No, you can't be like ' your father is dead.' And not be angry and upset. I need you to step up and help me understand."
"It's just more problems added up, and up. You want to be so fucking responsible then struggle of 8 years as a parent without any fucking help. Overdue Bills, a job that doesn't pay much. I can't afford to grieve with you. I have too many other problems and don't see you trying to keep a roof over your head? I don't see you trying to help out with the bills, or keep you and your brother in school. If you want to be an adult, start acting like one. Otherwise, you are still a child with a silly dream." she grew louder with her words, angry with me.
"I'm the more adult here. You're drunk and yelling at me for what? Nothing. I haven't done anything to upset you. It's your fault dad is dead. If you saw him more maybe he could have had more hope left to keep on fighting." I began to cry, I didn't want to argue with my mother when she was struggling. It wasn't my place to comment on how she deals with grief when I didn't know how to even know to cope with it. Today was so fun and then boom, my dad is dead.
My mother slapped me. "Don't talk to me like that. You do not tell me that before there will be serious consequences." She screamed at me with a firm tone. I crossed the line but I didn't care. "You are still a child."
"I'll just go then! You are the worst! You could have told me this morning and we could have done something to help us both, but no. He isn't just important to you. He was everything to me. He has always been there for me, also a great father and you didn't tell me until now. You kept that to yourself. Were you ever going to tell me? That would be so fucking cruel of you to do that." I yelled at her, so upset about everything. My father's death, her not telling me until now, her getting drunk. "You are meant to be a mother."
"To bed with you. That is the only place you can go."
"Whatever." I stormed off, crying. I took my juice and rushed to my room, slamming the door shut, letting out a scream. Crying and screaming, I destroyed my room, pushing my plushies to the floor, smashing my mirror, pulling down the posters off my wall. I threw the photo frame with a photo of me and Fritz off my bed side table.
I drank so much juice, downing the whole cart, before laying in my bed. Everything wasn't fair. Nothing is fair. Why did this have to happen!
My dad didn't deserve death. He didn't deserve to go... I needed him to keep me smiling. He was my partner in crime, stealing sweets from mam and annoying her. He was everything any child would ask for in a father. Kind, sweet, funny. He was free-spirited, protective and loving. His childish behaviour worked well, making me feel happy and like I wasn't alone.
I hugged my blanket, screaming into it. I kicked and squirmed around like a child having a tantrum. It was like my mind exploded in grief and pain.
I remembered Roselyn wanted me to come with her to Alex's. She told me about where he lived, so I don't want to be home. I don't need my mam, I can be independent and an adult. I proved her wrong. I can cope with my grief better than she and I show her. She would be like, 'oh (y/n) you're so grown up, I'm truly sorry for doubting you.'