Bianca's POV
Oh, how I had missed London.
I knew I had only been in Malibu for a week, but ever since my birthday it felt like I had always been on the go. Not that I didn't love every single minute of it, I did. Couldn't have asked for a better summer and start to autumn. Because it was just that- autumn. It was easy to forget with the warm weather in California. The blue skies and consistent sun almost tricked you into believing that it was still summer. However, reality set in as soon as our plane landed in Heathrow, rain crashing down on the small windows from the dark clouds we had been in only minutes before.
I shared a taxi with Grimmy back to London, dropping him off at his place first. As soon as the door closed behind him and the car started driving, I suddenly became very aware of missing one special person. All of our trips before this I had always spent this ride with him, savouring the last minutes of vacation. Now the space next to me screamed with the reminder that I was alone in the car, and for some reason it tugged my heartstrings.
As the suitcase fell to the floor next to my feet when I stood in my doorway, staring straight at my empty little flat, I sighed into the silence. No surprises, no exhausting emotions, no must, no nothing. Just me. Realising that, I smiled. Because it actually felt good to have a minute for myself for the first time in a really, really long time.
I was more than being back in my everyday routine and work. During my vacation week my new work partner Greg had a lot of time to get warm in his clothes, really taking ownership over The Breakfast Show. It really showed when I returned to the office, getting to watch him in the studio- and I loved to see it. Since Greg had become more confident, Clara Amfo had been nagging him about letting him lend me for a couple of small projects with the midday show and the Live Lounge. Of course, I was more than thrilled when Greg shared this news with me. The Live Lounge and working for Clara was still somewhat unexplored territory for me, but a definite dream and goal of mine. Greg wasn't dense, he could see that by the way my eyes widened with light as soon as he brought it up. So, he kindly let me jump between helping him and Clara for the upcoming month. Splitting my work time between The Breakfast Show and the Live Lounge- it was the most fun I had had at work since the period with all of Harry's BBC projects.
By the end of October, Philippe came back to London after staying in France and Paris since before I left for California. It was just a little over a week before Harry and Mitch would come back to London. The last month had been so peaceful, just being able to fully focus on myself. For a very valid reason, I was stressing that it would change. Jack had been clear about that since our first chat when I returned back home.
It was just a day or so after I first had returned. We had all hung out by the bar as usual before we moved along to Max's place for dinner and a last bottle of wine- or two. When the evening was coming to an end, Casper of course stayed to spend the night at her place. Meanwhile Jack and I made our way to the tube, heading home. I think we lasted a block before he brought up what had caused him to glance a bit extra in my direction the entire day and night. So, of course he cut straight to the point in his chilled and kind way. Clearly he had been carrying this ever since that night we all met for drinks before my trip, him catching me in a lie. But his extraordinary patience made him wait for a moment to bring it up. As soon as he got it, he took it- not wasting a second.
"So Bibs, did Harry cheat?" Jack asked smoothly.
A bit taken aback, I took a moment to look up at him before answering. The streetlights reflected a cold white highlight against his dark skin on top of his prominent cheekbones. He had definitely chosen the right profession, that was for sure.
Jack noticed my staring, and he glanced in my direction. Looking down at me with sympathising but interrogating eyes. Just with that look he made sure that I knew he wasn't going to settle for anything but the truth, and that the truth would be okay and safe to share with him, despite how horrible it was.
"I don't know why Camille and Harry broke up." I shrugged with a heavy sigh, "I never really asked, and he never really told." I shared, and so far- I was sticking to the truth. Jack didn't examine me like Max would've. By now he knew that I knew better than to lie again. Besides, it seemed to be a good enough answer since he looked straight again with a hint of an amused smirk on his full lips.
"Probably for a reason..." Jack added on, saying less than he was thinking. He then looked back down at me swiftly as we rounded a street corner, "Guess the rumour is partially true then."
I couldn't help but furrow my brows back at him in defense. Did he not just hear what I said? I quickly jumped in to correct him, "Harry didn't cheat, at least not with me?"
"Physically, yeah." He agreed but also in a sense corrected me back. I was very aware of what he was getting at. But as the type of chilled and mellow friend he was he didn't push it up in my face. To be truthful, the thought had crossed my mind maybe once or twice as well. Since I didn't have the exact reason for their break-up, my mind had sometimes come up with crazy ideas of its own.
However, I still felt bad for the reputation this was giving Harry. If any of us should get a bad reputation, it was me. And protecting that and my own relationship in a moment of fear if that crazy idea could've been true had been the reason for my lie to Philippe when Jack called. I knew that was the reason for this whole conversation, so without Jack having to drag it out of me- I told him with a racing heart stuck in my throat.
"But I did, I did cheat. And I did cheat with Harry." I pushed the confession out.
Jack stopped in his tracks, staring at me with a dropped face that was nothing but blank for a good second. I stood still a few steps ahead, staring back at him, waiting for his reaction. However, his face and dramatic stop was already expressive enough to count as a big reaction.
"Wha- When, how?" He stumbled over his words, still standing still. Now I fully turned around to face him since this conversation was too much to involve and incorporate walking into it. I didn't know if I was relieved or anxious to finally share this with somebody. Maybe both.
"Italy, it was a kiss, or well- we made out." I filled him in before I continued on in a desperate ramble that was a mix of defense and an explanation, "We were drunk, and the moon was set on us- always the freaking moon! And we were out in the ocean in our fucking underwear... It just happened."
"Philippe doesn't know?" Was Jack's first question, and it made sense to be his first. I just shook my head in response, the weight falling heavy on my shoulders as I did. He looked up at me, flipping through his thoughts for his next question.
"What did Harry say?" He added on, coming back from the first shock and walked up next to me to wrap an arm around my shoulders, squeezing me gently and tightly to his side as we walked again. I looked down at our moving feet now.
"He didn't really say anything. He just comforted me, noticing my panic and calming me down. I think he realised it was a mistake too..." I started slow before shaking my head to not get stuck in conspiracies about Harry's feelings, "Anyway, I then came home and I was planning on telling Philippe but then he surprised me and it was this awkward moment between the three of us. Yes- yes, Harry walked me upstairs with the bags. But with that surprise and that whole moment it was like the moment to confess to Philippe was gone. The guilt was eating me alive whenever I was with him but then everything just went back to normal. Then you called and I freaked out, I didn't want Philippe to get any ideas. Ugh, it's a mess." I ended my rambling, feeling my throat thicken with the emotions coming over me.
Jack leaned down and kissed the top of my head, hugging me yet again closer to his side. I shut my eyes harder to this action, feeling the pain squeeze hard in my chest at his act of kindness and tenderness to this horrible and awful confession.
"It's okay, Bibs." He whispered against my hair. Not being able to stop it, I chuckled at his choice of words.
"That's what Harry kept saying..." I commented with a half smile and even Jack snorted out a deep chuckle.
"Of course he did..." He added on warmly with a big smile and a shake of head.
Now, the bell of my door was ringing profusely after it had already been janked on several times.
"Easy, I'm coming!" I shouted through giggles, crossing a robe around my body as I walked towards the ringing door. I knew only one person would be this annoying, and when I finally opened the door- I was right. She took a quick glance at me just tying the robe belt before her dark eyes looked back up to meet mine.
"Uuuuh..." Max hyped me uå with a teasing and cheeky wink, "Should we keep out of the bedroom? Don't want to run into a half naked Philippe." She added, referring to both her and her two tall companions, Jack and Casper. I rolled my eyes at her before taking a step aside, letting the two of them walk in.
"All green lights here, Philippe is out. Our uber will pick him up on our way." I explained. I was already getting cold feet for tonight, regretting all of it.
Sarah had called me just a week ago, just a few days after Philippe had come and a few days before the duo would return. I had set her on speaker as I stood cooking in my kitchen, Philippe sitting by the bar counter behind me on his laptop working. After a few minutes of chatting she had come up with the brilliant idea- a night out for all of us as a reunion. It had immediately caught Philippe's attention, him cheering it on. I guess Sarah hadn't realised that she was on speaker, but it only led to her asking me to invite the rest of my friends with the motivation "the more the merrier" after a somewhat stiff giggle. And now... Here we were.
Jack gave me a side eye as he walked past me after Max and Casper. I shook my head at his questioning look, signaling that they still didn't know. His eyes widened before he nodded back to Max's back, gesturing for me that I needed to tell her soon. I sighed with a second roll of eyes already, knowing that he was right.
"What was that?" Max suddenly turned around, eyes and ears always alert as she heard my sigh. Jack and I stood a little straighter, looking back at her observing the two of us.
"All of you just added to my stress over what to wear, you guys look gorgeous." I tried to divert from what the sigh was really for. What I said wasn't a lie, they did look great. Max in her mini black dress with an oversized black blazer over it and loose knee high black leather heel boots, and Jack in his red flared suit pants that he had matched with a semi open flowy long sleeved shirt in the same shade of red. Okay, well Casper's outfits never was anything special with his classic tee and jeans. Still didn't mean he didn't look great, he was good looking without even trying.
It was not fair to have friends that looked this great, and they always looked this great. There wasn't a time where they didn't steal the show, making the world their catwalk.
Max dug her eyes in me, figuring out if it really was the reason. She couldn't have found any sign of anything else as she then switched her gaze to Jack. Jack just smiled smug at the compliment before reaching out his hand with a cava bottle to Max. Max looked at him as she took it from him, walking the only two steps into my kitchen with Jack following her.
She placed the bottle on the counter, taking off the foil. With sparkling eyes she looked back at me in the hallway, grabbing the neck of the bottle. A loud pop echoed in my flat and Max cheered excitedly, ending in a giggle. Jack set four glasses down on the counter next to her, and she started filling them up. As soon as the first glass was filled, Jack handed it to me.
"So, what options do you have?" He asked as I took my first sip. I started shaking my head as I swallowed it.
"Don't have any yet." I whined, looking up at Jack through my eyelashes. Max took both of her and her boyfriend's glasses and walked past me, making Jack follow her to the sofa with his own glass. I followed them a few steps before stopping in front of the door to the little wardrobe nook. As soon as I grabbed it, the door almost flew open.
"They're fighting for space in this tiny wardrobe." I commented with a giggle on the many colourful pieces that peeked out like a wall, forcing me to dive in head first. I set the glass on the bar counter to give me two hands to navigate through the mess. As I did I saw Max holding her cava glass high up next to her face with a raised eyebrow and an amused smile.
"It more so looks like they're fighting to escape your closet." She mumbled through her entertainment watching me.
After a fashion show for my two besties we settled for high raised black suit trousers and a sparkling sequin cropped cardigan almost that was very much see through. I wore it over a black bralette and matched it as always with my mary janes. With a few glasses of cava we headed out for our uber and I tossed a short cut black shearling jacket over it.
As we jumped into the car, Max forced Jack to take the front seat so she could sit in between Casper and I. We picked up Philippe as promised on our way there, forcing us to take an extra large uber. I felt the jitters dance through my legs as soon as he joined. Hating how uncomfortable I was already feeling, and we hadn't even met up with all others.
Sarah had only sent me an address, asking us to meet them all there. With the stressful week and me trying on clothes until the very last minute, neither of us had looked up the place, figuring it was going to be a classic pub or club. But as we now stepped out of the car, we realised we were wrong.
"Karaoke?" Casper asked, looking up at the blue neon sign just like the rest of us. On a line we all stood staring at it, equally as surprised.
"Are you kidding me? This is not right. They're fucking musicians!?" Max argued, getting a bit heated. What made it even funnier was that she looked at me like I had the answer, or as if I were the one to blame.
"Don't look at me, I didn't know!?" I defended myself with a chuckle.
As soon as I said it she took the lead for the entrance and I walked to follow along. With that I felt a hand slid into mine, grabbing it with his. When I looked up I met those familiar puppy eyes kindly looking down at me before giving me a soft kiss on my cheek. I pushed a smile back, feeling my hand starting to sweat in his. From the corner of my eye I saw Jack observing us as he walked behind together with Casper. I gave him a quick glance and his supporting eyes just stared back at me. I didn't want to look too long, afraid to be too obvious. Thankfully, another voice stole my focus as we stepped through the doors.
"Sugar!" A hug immediately crashed into me, pinching my arms to my side and making me not able to reciprocate it. I giggled a surprised "hi" back before the hug moved along to Philippe, "And Philippe, good to see you." Grimmy cheesed. They had met a couple of times over beers at Casper's, but never together in the company of the band. This was only the second time Philippe was meeting all of them, including Harry.
Speaking of whom, I saw Max reach Harry after an exchange of hugs with Mitch and Sarah who were now walking towards us. Max however poked a hard scolding finger into Harry's chest before even sharing a hug, seemingly finding the one who she wanted to blame for this nonsense. Harry rubbed the sore spot when she retrieved it after only a second or two, laughing at her amused as he did. I fought the urge to laugh at the two of them greeting each other this way after not seeing each other in forever.
I was easily distracted when Mitch and Sarah had reached us, giving us a hug each before moving onto Jack and Casper. Adam and Clare were the last ones to greet us and the rest of us mingled as we waited for our karaoke room to be free. Well, the rest of us except Harry and Max who were still stuck talking to each other. Making him the only one who hadn't said hello to me, Philippe, Casper or Jack yet. And I was dying waiting for him to do it. Both from excitement since it had been just little over a month since I saw him. But also because I'd rather skip another awkward interaction between Philippe and him.
My focus moved from Harry to Philippe, making sure that he at least didn't feel as uncomfortable as I. But as I turned to look, I saw that he too was watching the two of them. For a second I watched Philippe observe Max and Harry's greeting. The two of them immediately falling into natural banter of her teasing him in the best way, and him enjoying every bit of her loving roasting with the way his eyes squinted together along with the big grin before finally forcing his arms around her in a warm and tight hug after a long time of no see.
Philippe's eyes narrowed questioning as I saw the wheels behind them starting to spin faster and faster. If I wouldn't have been so focused on him, I would have smiled from the sheer warmth that spread within me at the sight of their own small little reunion that had taken far too long to happen.
Now that I thought of it, it was the first time I actually got to see their own friendship play out in front of me. The birthday of him surprising me with her didn't really count, it was first after that that the friendship started to blossom. But I couldn't really enjoy that at the moment, I was too focused on reading Philippe. However, he didn't give me much to read except a fixed stare on them.
"I didn't know Max and Harry were such good friends." He finally spoke low and soft, not taking his eyes off of them. I just awkwardly smiled back, putting all of my focus on him now.
"Surprisingly, he effortlessly got on her good side." I admitted since it was already obvious from their interaction.
The two of them glanced back in our direction, or more so my direction with cheeky grins on their faces as Max said something to Harry that I couldn't hear, and Harry chuckling a bit as she spoke. I narrowed my eyes at them with a half smile, feeling curious and questioning what they were whispering about.
"Are you two talking shit about me already?" I asked lightheartedly from afar and the two of them laughed.
"Maybe." Harry teased charmingly, beaming at me.
But as his focus found Philippe, he lost it little by little. However, Max was quick to jump in.
"I was just telling him about your embarrassing karaoke story." She laughed, grabbing Harry by the arm to join us. Without missing a beat, my cheeks heated and I felt myself look down at the floor to hide myself and my laugh behind my bags for a second before recovering.
"You had to, didn't you?" I asked with only a hint of resentment behind my laugh for her sharing it with Harry. But Harry only joined me in that laugh when his glimmering eyes found their way back to me.
"Wish I could've seen it." He admitted softly with a dimpled smile. His green lighthouses deepened in my stare now that they had reached us, "Hi." He spoke even softer and lower now before leaning down for a hug and a respectful and quick peck on the cheek.
"Babe, what are they tal-" Philippe asked as soon as Harry had backed up and it was first now that I realised my hand was still in his. I looked back up at Philippe, clearing my voice.
"Oh it was just drunk me falling on my face in front of a whole karaoke crowd as I sang 'Walking On Sunshine', the continuing chaotic instrumentals not making the awkward moment any better." I filled Philippe in with a short giggle and his eyes widened, only now being able to laugh along with all of us.
After the giggle there was this painful moment of silence. It didn't even last for a second, but still it was long enough to physically feel the tension in the air. Even Max stood silent beside Harry.
"It's good to see you again." Philippe finally lightened up the mood with the only thing that was missing- a proper hello between the two of them.
"Likewise, yeah likewise." Harry responded quickly, almost too quickly, even speaking too quickly for being him.
Again, silence. And I was dying inside. I think Max noticed after only a second and addressed the whole group, not wanting the four of us to get stuck in this very uncomfortable dynamic.
"So, how long do we have to wait?" She asked. And the timing couldn't have been more perfect. One of the staff members finally came to show us to our room.
Sarah had apparently decided to book the room version of a karaoke, feeling like it would be too awkward to pull up to a public bar all of us just to sing. I was happy about that, since I didn't want to relive my most embarrassing moment.
The room was big. Well, it had to be to fit all of us. A long built in sofa stretched along one of the walls and opposite to it was a screen on the wall that was projected. In front of it stood three microphones and between the microphones and the sofa was a big coffee table that now only had several sheets of drinking and snack menus. The room was dark in shades of grey, red and black with a budget disco ball hanging from the ceiling.
The staff gave us all of the instructions to queue songs and how to reach them to order more or if the equipment would suddenly stop working. Before they left we gave them our order for drinks and while we waited for that we tried to agree on a song for all of us to sing together as a start to loosen up.
By the time we had decided on the classic "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen, the drinks arrived. To start the session with all of us singing together was the perfect choice and it immediately set the fun mood. It didn't take much to make Grimmy be the first one up to sing. In fact, he volunteered. He got up to sing 'Wannabe' by Spice Girls, pointing at Clare to answer the next line of lyrics to him, realising it needed to be two. Clare took her bottle of beer and got up to the mic next to Grimmy, singing and having fun.
We were all great supporters, cheering on, whistling and clapping. Mitch and Harry got up right after, doing 'Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A man after midnight)' by ABBA, which was iconic to say the least. Especially to see Mitch let loose like he did. Harry was wearing a smile for the entire time while Sarah's eyes sparkled so full watching the two of them.
Right after the two of them, Grimmy was up on his feet again, but this time heading for me.
"What are you doing?" I questioned him with a nervous laugh that he ignored and dragged me to the screen with all of the songs. He typed one in and showed it to me with an excited raised eyebrow.
"Well, if we're doing that I'm gonna have Adam, Mitch and Sarah join us." Grimmy just looked at me with furrowed brows, "We need to be five?" I enlightened him and he immediately agreed in a laugh. Grimmy turned and pointed at the three of them, forcing them to pair up next to the microphones. The people left on the sofa looked all confused. Although I knew I was going to be singing any minute now, I was too excited and onboard on this idea to even care.
The famous beginning tones of the iconic song started, and Harry's face fell in an instant to his hands with a silent laugh. Sarah hit the imaginary drums that came in after all of us had bopped our head side to side to the first lonely beats. Then, of course, Grimmy was the one to start the vocals.
"Maybe it's the way she walked!" He scream-sang the first lyric to 'Best Song Ever' by the one and only One Direction. And Adam filled in with the little "wow" just after him. Even I couldn't hold my laughter at it, and watching Harry love this and hate the teasing just as much.
The five of us put on the best show acting as One Direction. Who was who, very unclear. All of us pretty much sang all of the lines. But we did rock as a boy band. Walking off stage we were met with applause and laughs, and I quickly grabbed my beer again proudly, watching Philippe, Casper and Jack get up instead after a pointed finger from Adam.
Max leaned into my ear after watching Philippe and Jack share a mic together as Adam took one himself, all of them attempting to do some british rap- which was a recipe for disaster for Philippe. He knew it and he owned it, singing gibberish with good spirits as the rest of us died laughing. I glanced an eye in Harry's direction as we did, and I saw him twist his rings on his fingers as he leaned forward on his knees along with his laughs.
"Should we go next?" Max asked and I felt butterflies dance around my stomach at the thought of being just two up there.
"Me again? I was just up?" I laughed back but Max just pulled at my arm, forcing me to get up.
"Our turn." She declared to everyone and turned to type in the song as all of them cheered. I turned to her in a small but aggressive whisper, "What if I don't know it?"
She looked back at me with an amused devilish smirk, "Oh, you know it." She walked to take her mic.
Damn right, I did. As I looked straight to the sofa with all of my friends and boyfriend, the first beat hit. Of course, Britney fucking Spears. You could never trust Max, and that's something I should have learned by now. And not just any song, but 'Oops!... I did it again.'.
It made all of them go crazy, Grimmy jumping onto his feet on the sofa screaming "Go Sugar!". With a laugh up at the ceiling at first I looked back down and met Harry staring straight at me, stars in his eyes as his mouth was open in a smile that pulled to one side, watching me in awe.
Max - not having any problems with the spotlight - did the first moan and after that even I lost it. Both bursting out in a laugh, but also all of my filters holding me back. I pulled the mic out from its stand, walking up to Max as I flipped my hair a bit messy to one side.
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah." I sang, channeling Britney's sexiness. Max's eyes brightened with this unexpected confidence, but then again- alcohol and her had that effect on me. She sang me the same back before pointing at me to sing the next line, the actual opening line.
"I think I did it again, I made you believe we're more than just friends."
The lyric hit a little too close to home, and for a second I froze. But Max wouldn't let me. She grabbed my hand, continuing to sing as she started to dance seductively, trying to make me do the same again. So I did, deciding to shake myself out of my own thoughts.
I felt pairs of eyes roam my body as I danced and sang with my best friend, having fun. Not a pair, but pairs. I didn't dare to exactly look, but when I accidentally did I saw flashing lights of both green and amber trace my every move.
When we finally finished the song - it being a successful performance with our lack of musical talent - we barely got the chance to sit down before our spots were replaced. Philippe had only had time to meet me up on the floor as he stole me to lift me up from in it a proud hug, showering me with silly kisses on my neck while I was in his embrace.
"It's me again." Harry stood up, cutting us off. Clare tried to invite herself up with him but he just kindly shook his head at her, "just me."
He took way longer by the screen, picking out his song. From my seat next to Philippe I watched Harry swipe through songs with that little crease between his eyebrows never leaving. Until he finally found what he was looking for, a smile painted on his face instead.
I knew these melodies like the back of my hand, so I didn't even have to read the screen to know which one it was- 'Say You Will' by Fleetwood Mac.
For some reason, Harry seemed more focused than the rest of us had been. It almost resembled the look he had before he was about to perform on an actual stage. Truth be told, it stressed me out. Both the tension and the fact that he chose Fleetwood Mac. By the tension in the room, I couldn't have been the only one noticing the shift.
He moved his head away from the mic to do a quick cough, clearing his voice just before the first line started.
Something in you brought out something in me
That I've never been since
That part of me that was only for you
That kind of romance
Comes only once, that kind of love, that kind of fever dance
That you love because you become someone else in an instant
Harry had gripped the mic hard in his hands, pushing it almost desperately against his lips and body. I recognised it from his passionate emotional songs on tour, but seeing it this up close felt intimate in another way.
Philippe's arm found its way around me, stroking my upper arm as Harry took a step back from the microphone, coming for air before diving back into it for the chorus, throwing a look at me as he went to grab it again. It left my heart running in my chest, feeling like it meant more than just a quick glance since I was the first one he had really looked at.
Say you will, say you will give me one more chance
At least give me time to change your mind
That always seems to heal the wounds
Harry now had his focus fixed on me, shamelessly. I wanted to look away but I just couldn't, thinking that it would mean more if I did than if I didn't.
A warm and dreamily side smile grew on his lips just before he sang the next line.
If I can get you to dance
The air almost got stuck in my throat. I knew what was coming, it wasn't the lyric in itself that surprised me. But what he implied did. The line "keep on dancing" that had somehow come to be personal to him and I.
By the way his smile just continued to grow, he knew that I had got his message. Now, there was no doubt in my mind that he was singing directly at me. I just didn't want the rest of our friends- and especially one specific boyfriend to figure that out. By the way Harry was acting, I didn't have the odds in my favour.
He leaned both of his hands on top of the mic and only now looked away from me as he started singing the second verse. Still he hadn't lost that small little smile lingering.
Something in you put a hold on my heart
It's hard to believe now
Here in the place that will never be dark
He winked at Mitch, which only now confused me. His friend only shook his head before looking at Sarah, his focus passing me by. For a second we met eyes before Mitch looked away again, back at Harry.
I remember that place
That kind of touch, electricity of love
That certain kind of grace
Harry looked back at me, and with him singing those lyrics I felt the person next to me tense up, the person being my boyfriend. Philippe gently squeezed me tighter next to him. To me noticing it, I closed my eyes. Wanting to just evaporate or disappear through the ground. But I couldn't act on it, I was forced to just sit and act like I was cool. When in reality I was a mix of emotions at this confession, but purely- I was just fuming.
That you love because you become someone else in an instant, He sang once more before ending the song in the chorus just going over and over again, mixing it up with small movements of dancing, making the rest of us sing along by the end. Against my will, I did. Even with the stares I felt on me from all corners of the room. I didn't need to look to know that Jack, Max, Casper and Sarah were the main people staring at me. Philippe didn't need to stare, his arm held a firm grip around me. His stare was instead on the man who finally walked off the stage after a song that felt like an hour long.
In my head I argued with myself, contemplating if I should or shouldn't go up on stage and do a classic Stevie and Lindsey moment. Counter with 'Silver Springs' as a clapback- it having the perfect lyrics. But I knew it wouldn't be as good in real life as it was in my head with my lack of skills in singing, and it definitely wouldn't be as iconic as when Stevie does it.
Besides that, it was too obvious. And that was the exact reason why I was angry now. For the fact that he put on a spectacle in front of all of our friends, and mostly in front of my boyfriend.
As the night continued we somehow managed to flip the mood back, a lot with the help of Grimmy. I didn't talk to Harry for the rest of our karaoke session. I didn't even look in his direction. I didn't talk to Philippe either. In fact, I didn't really talk to anyone. I only went up to sing if somebody dragged me and there were at least two others singing.
Now that we were outside waiting for our ubers in the cold night, I had Max right next to me with her arm looped with mine.
" We need three ubers." Clare walked up next to me, nose down at her phone with the app open to order them.
Thankfully for the remaining time that was only a few minutes before the first one arrived, Max understood that I was in no mood for talking, so she stood in silence next to me. Philippe stood talking with Jack and Casper a few meters away and Harry stood next to Sarah, the two of them also in silence.
As the first one rolled up, Max let go of my arm to go grab the first car.
"We'll take this one." She walked up to the rest of the boys, pushing them with her in front of her. I tried catching up but walking behind them, all of the four seats were already taken.
"I'll wai-" Philippe started from his middle seat in the car as soon as he noticed, trying to get out. However, Max stopped him from her seat at the edge.
"No, you'll see her at home. We don't have time and it'll only cost." She insisted, and when she did- you never argued. I knew that much, but at this moment I was prepared to. I just wanted to go home. And it stressed me out to be left behind. Max just didn't seem to care, or she pretended not to.
She shut the door with a quick goodbye and off they went. In the meanwhile of our discussion, the next one had arrived and was already packed. When I looked back, the only two left as the second car drove off were Sarah and Harry. Great...
With slow and not very happy steps, I walked to join their company. Exactly what company it was- I didn't know, since it was completely silent, neither of us talking. In my own head I begged for the third uber to arrive quickly.
Suddenly out of nowhere, Sarah cut through the silence.
"Oh shit! I forgot my charger in the bar. I'll be right back." She exclaimed, turning on her heel and walking away before Harry or I could save ourselves from being left alone. Oh how I hated all of my friends today...
Another silence laid heavy between us as we stood next to each other. My arms were crossed over my chest, my focus strictly straight forward with a clenched face. The only sign of stress was the foot that I twisted around on my heel as I laid all of my weight on just one hip. His presence next to me was still loud enough for me to want to bury myself under a skyscraper of pillows. Ironically, his line "Comfortable silence is so overrated." kept on going on repeat. This was anything but comfortable. Even more ironically, Harry then in that moment decided to speak.
"Bee..." Harry spoke lowly and softly whilst I could see how he turned to me from the corner of my eyes, but before he got the chance to continue I cut him off, squeezing my chest harder. This was my gateway. He had broken the silence, so I was now free to let go of all my restraints. The only thing was that my tone was the total opposite from his soft one.
"You can't do that." I kept my focus straight forward with my short-bit statement, but it didn't show my irritation, frustration and anger any less. I was prepared for him denying what he had done.
"Why?" He asked firmly but calmly. For some reason, it startled me. I almost flinched at his response with how taken aback I was. His response forced me to turn to him, my eyes wide with shock as I flickered between his green ones, not believing what he had just said. Was he really that stupid?
"You know why!?" I chided, raising my voice only slightly when I finally recovered from my tongue-tie.
Harry ignored addressing it, both of us clearly knowing the answer and being aware that the other knew. Instead he started looking around in a bit of distress, seeing if anyone was listening in and had noticed him. From the way his full focus returned to me after his quick scan, I took it like we were alone in this discussion.
Steadily but gently, he scanned my face. Those green eyes flashing bright even in the darkness of a cold autumn night. He took a moment, a small pause in the form of an exhale, before he began again- starting over, softer than ever.
"I won't push you this time, I... I just need a moment to say all of the things I didn't, but should've." Harry took his time saying it, speaking slow and carefully.
Hearing it, I was scared out of my mind. But I didn't stop him, and I didn't cut him off. I wanted to hear the rest despite that, even if the loud ringing of my beating heart in my ears made me afraid that I wouldn't hear a word he said. So instead of cutting him off, I stood still whilst my pulse was running a thousand miles an hour. Holding my breath.
"That day in your kitchen, I wanted to tell you that no one has ever made me feel the way you do. Not only because I feel so good whenever I'm with you- because I do. But also because no one could ever compare with you. And you were right, I'm an arrogant son of a bitch who can't admit when he's sorry. I'm sorry Bee! I hated you because I couldn't bare the weight of hating myself when realising how much I fucked up when you called that nigh. I should've just put my ego aside and confessed right there and then. Hell, I should've grabbed the phone from Max when you called during our day in Berlin and confessed then too! As soon as I got home for christmas I went looking for you, did you know that? I fucking turned myself inside out missing you. And I'm turning myself inside out liking you. That never went away, you were always with me, it was always you Bee."
Harry's lighthouses stared at me, awaiting so still, after giving the speech of his life. Cheeks rosy and gaze so full with dreams and promises, trying to guide me to shore with his light.
"Fuck's sake Harry..." I sighed afflicted, raising my hand and rested it against my forehead as I turned my face to the ground. Hoping that maybe it would calm down the turmoil that was my head, or to just comfort my own poor head getting all this information at once.
"Bee..." He softly tried to comfort my conflicted thoughts, attempting to take a step closer, but I backed away just as many. It was just too much at once.
"You can't, you can't... You're not fair- this is not fair!" I started bubbling up in a heartbroken defeat, feeling the frustration fizz up in me again as I spun myself around in circles trying to navigate through it. However, I was failing. It was too overpowering, and it took over me. My hand on my head slammed down to my side again as I stared back at Harry, fighting the burning sensation in my eyes.
"Harry, I moved on! I was doing great!? Why can't you just let me move on!?" I almost begged, the hurt getting worse and worse with every word that overwhelmed me.
"So did I!? Then you came back around and turned my whole fucking world upside down!?" He met my tone. I couldn't tell if he resented me for that or if the passion of his answer would have counted for tired optimism, hope and adoration.
With his hair all messed up from all of the times he had dragged a hand through it, he quickly tried to read me with his chest pacing up and down even through his jacket. But I was once again processing his words, so in the silence I left for him, he continued more calmly but not any less passionate, "I tried to. Fuck Bee... I fucking tried to! I tried to accept it- I still am, and I was doing good, but it's really hard to see you with Philippe."
Hearing his frustration apparently triggered me to an extreme. As if I didn't understand exactly what he was talking about... We both had been down that road.
"Then you should've said something before I met him!? Did you think it was easy for me to see you with someone else?" I questioned him fiercely. Never in my life had I ever come across someone who could set me on fire like he would.
For whatever reason, he didn't continue on our road to destruction that we were driving down at the moment. It seemed like he had already come to terms with that, either having his answers already or not needing them. I knew I was in the wrong back then, but I didn't like the fact that it seemed like he didn't understand that I had gone through just that as well. I knew he didn't understand the reason for me handling it all wrong, but still- I expected him to get how I was feeling. However, by the way he retrieved from answering it, he seemed to understand more than at first glance.
We stood in silence, both needing to come down from letting our emotions run amok against our better judgement. Trying to regain control over it, I caught up with my breath. Focusing on calming myself down by getting air down in my lungs, and the coldness of it stung against how sore it was from the emotional exhaustion.
Glancing an eye up at Harry, I saw that he was too collecting himself. His chest not pacing as fast anymore, curls still a mess. My eyes softened with hurt for the both of us, seeing how clenched his jaw was, hands in his pockets with a stare down at the ground.
"Why are you doing this right now?" I asked in a sighed and soft mumble. Harry did the same, exhaling all the built up tension from the heated discussion as he looked back at me. His eyes softened as soon as he met the drained calmness in mine.
"I'm just doing what you did, confessing, asking, hoping... Catching up." He pushed a broken smile through the pain at the reference to Silver Lining's Playbook, just like I had referenced on my drunken call. Harry then went back to his serious mode, shrugging his shoulders before continuing lowly and slowly, "I messed it up with you back then. I don't want you to repeat my mistake."
What he didn't understand was that I had indeed made a mistake, and that was letting old feelings nestle their way under my skin and new feelings, leading to a mistake I was still struggling to forgive myself for. The question was if I was ever going to be able to. I was perfectly content before he came and rocked my boat. My mistake was fucking that happiness up. It was the first time I had let someone in, and he was kind to me. I wasn't going to mess that up. Not again at least. That had been a mistake, breaking a promise to both him and I. I wasn't going to make another, he was right about that. He just didn't understand that we had two different definitions for it.
Taking a moment to really listen to what he had said, I tilted my head with a warm melancholy with the threatening stinging behind my eyes as my eyes so deeply looked into the perfect shade of green, the colour of tranquility. It only made me hate what was to come even more.
"Everything was fine. You and I were fine. Me and Philippe were fine- are fine. I can't leave that, he's my boyfriend." I almost whispered, putting weight on every single word gently falling off my tongue. Deep down hoping that he would understand.
A hurt expression crossed his eyes for a brief second, his brows pushing together to disguise the feeling behind his strained face. That was before the impasiviness took over. Looking at him, now was the time I couldn't fight the overwhelming feeling as my bottom lip started quivering, my eyes flooding quickly. This was the time I needed Harry to take those steps forward like he had tried before, for his arms to embrace me in comfort. But he stayed still, once again looking down at the ground.
I knew this was it. This was the end of this discussion. Both of our hearts torn to shreds, too tired to keep going in circles.
Without testing my voice, I opened my mouth, hoping that it would be able to carry me as I spoke, "Harry..." My turn to plead for his words.
"I get it Bianca, I'll let you go." He pushed, straining his face even more as he spoke. As he had said the words, he nodded for himself. As if to assure himself of it. He still hadn't been able to look up and something within me was glad that he didn't see the tear that I wiped off my cheek.
After a couple of more nods, he took a slow and disoriented step around, taking in his surroundings with his eyes looking up at the sky. Before I knew it, I was met with his back as he began walking. Seeing him take his two first steps, another silent tear rolled down my cheek.
"You're leaving now?" I whimpered, me being the hopeless one now. It made him stop in his tracks. Still, he didn't turn around again. He just stood still, head low. My chest squeezed in pain, and I fought the urge to let out a sob.
"I don't want us to not be fine again, Harry..." I begged, not caring how desperate I sounded. Without turning around, he looked over his shoulder. Eyes sparkling from the streetlights, more so than usual.
"We're fine, we're just-..." He stopped himself from sharing the rest to look down at his shoes, clearing his broken voice awkwardly, "I- I gotta go. I'm gonna go."
And then he left.
I probably stood by myself crying for a good minute before I pushed my cold hands against my puffy warm cheeks, repeating the words, "Don't cry, don't cry." over and over again in a mumble for myself. Eventually, it worked. Faster than I thought it would.
From my back I heard the door open, music escaping the place as it did.
"Where did Harry go?" The voice asked as it came closer. It was first now that I remembered we had been out here waiting for Sarah in the first place, she taking forever to return. I silently exhaled before answering, hoping that I didn't sound too sore.
"He left." I replied shortly, not wanting to go into details, not being able to go into details without breaking down again. I could now see her from the corner of my eyes.
"Is he not com-" Sarah started asking but I cut through her question, "No, no he's not." I answered without sounding too harsh, but the emotions were on full display.
Sarah took her time walking up to me with very slow steps. Just in front of me, she stopped, waiting for me to initiate whatever it was that I needed. She understood without me needing to say a word.
With soft eyes on the brim of crying again, I looked up at her.
"Can we just go home now?" My voice almost broke as I asked her, and she saw that I was done for the day.
Sarah had ordered us a new uber since the one Clare booked never arrived. For the whole ride we sat silent. Sarah knew this wasn't the time to ask. I knew there would come a time where she would ask. This just wasn't it.
Now exhausted, drained and beaten down- I closed my flat door behind me. With all of those emotions, I leaned back on my yellow door. Closing my eyes as I did.
"That took forever." Philippe greeted me. I opened my eyes again and saw him peek out from the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth.
"Clare's uber never came. Sarah just dropped me off." I explained low, not having any energy left in me. My last energi went to taking off my heels and hanging up my jacket.
"No Harry?" He followed up, leaning on the door as he watched me. Not exactly the topic I wanted to get into... But by the scene Harry put on in front of everyone, I wasn't surprised that was the question. I just hoped that it wouldn't be a question or a subject.
I shook my head as I passed him, walking towards the bedroom, "He got his own ride." I tried as nonchalantly as I could answer him.
Philippe quickly dove into the bathroom to spit in a record time before he returned in the doorframe of the bathroom just as I was about to disappear through the bedroom door.
He cleared his voice softly.
"Uhm, can I talk to you about something?" He asked, and I turned around with tired but kind eyes, showing him that he had my attention to continue. Hoping that he couldn't see how much I was stressing for a second time this evening.
"I- I just... I feel awkward asking this but..." His thoughts took him in circles as he uncomfortably chuckled low, looking down at his feet before he gathered himself to look up at me with a still and deep focus, "Is there something going on between you and Harry?"
Opening up my mouth to form words, I didn't instantly know which one to choose. Philippe noticed my millisecond of hesitation and continued, "I saw the pictures from Italy when I was taking back the camera, not realising that you hadn't uploaded them to the camera. It crossed my mind then seeing how close you were, then tonight only made that idea stick even more and I..." He rambled before realising it and ending it in a heavy and desperate sigh, his puppy eyes softening when he looked at me intensely, "Please tell me I'm crazy." He begged sweetly and low, full of optimism.
Staring back at him, I bit down on my lip, trying to stop the feelings that easily came rushing down on me again. But my eyes burned as I tried to keep it together, knowing the pain that I would cause him when I answered him with a broken voice; "I'm the crazy one."
As soon as I said it, I saw how he fell. How his face fell, how his eyes fell, how his shoulders fell, how his heart probably fell... And how he fell into a deep spiral with his thoughts. What he didn't know was that my heart was breaking too watching him stand frozen in shock and pain, knowing what he was going through all too well. This was the second time I broke someone's heart today but also knowing exactly what they were going through.
"I'm so sorry Philippe, I fucked up." I desperately confessed, feeling warm streams fall down my cheeks that I ignored. It wasn't my turn to be sad, it was his. It was just the guilt pouring out of me.
"Philippe..." I begged for any kind of reaction as I slowly walked closer to him. To my surprise- he didn't flinch, so I rested my hands on his chest whilst looking up at his glossy eyes. They were however still stuck on flipping through his many thoughts tumbling in.
"It was-" I tried again, but my explanation was cut off quickly.
"I don't want to hear the details." He interrupted me steadily but calmly, which again surprised me. To his request, I shut up. Instead I simply settled for just standing in front of him in this silence, ready to talk whenever he was, hoping that my closeness to him at least comforted him a little.
"Just tell me this- is it over?" He glanced up from the floor to me, searching my face for an answer just as much as he waited for my actual response. To be honest, after tonight's turn of events- I didn't really know where Harry and I stood in our relationship. So I didn't exactly know how to properly answer that question. All I knew was that I had made it extremely clear where I stood.
"Friend's only." I attempted to reassure Philippe gently but he only looked down at me with eyebrows lowered over those pained amber eyes.
"To him you're not. I can't share you, Bianca..." He whispered patiently.
I understood him. Harry had in a not so discreet way asked for another chance. And the fact that Philippe stood right in front of me, willing to give me another chance- I knew that I owed him that.
"I don't like Harry, I like you Philippe." I grabbed his face in my hands, staring into his eyes. His hands raised to gently hold my arms, stroking them with a warm smile on his face.
"I forgive you." He kissed me, his cheeks immediately patting my wet cheeks a little dryer. I smiled up at him as he backed up.
"But you're not friends, and we all know it- you know it. And that's how it is." Philippe gently explained to me.
He didn't exactly say it, it was more so in between the lines. But I knew what was needed. I needed to let him and the idea of friendship go if I wanted to make this work. I couldn't be angry at Philippe for that, he only said what I already knew. And I now understood that that was what Harry had meant when he left tonight.
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Well... That happened. What a night for poor Bee... And poor Harry.
A heads up! I just want to let you all know that I will be going on vacation on Sunday and that it'll probably affect the updates. I will still write, I just don't know if I can promise one chapter per week. Maybe it'll be less, or maybe I'll find lots of time to write and it'll be more. I just wanted to let you know!
All my love /R