contains
hinting of attempted suicide
mentions of suicide
________________________________
I didn't acknowledge him, instead I lowered down the volume of my cries.
I heard him take a seat next to me on the floor. He put his hand around me, which I immediately removed.
"What's wrong, love?"
"You don't have a right to call me that." My voice was laced with anger. My words came out muffled, but loud enough for him to hear.
"Did something happen?"
"I don't know, did something happen, Eren?"
"I don't know, that's why I'm asking you."
"Go."
"Go where?"
"Somewhere else. How about you go run to her?"
"Who are you talking about?"
I finally pulled my head out of my knees. I leaned my head up to the ceiling.
"I don't know Eren, maybe the girl you love. You know, the one since 7th grade?"
"How do you know about that?"
"It doesn't matter how I know. So go. Go to her."
"Y/n-," I interrupted him.
"I'm so tired. I'm not even trying for myself at this point. 'm trying for everyone else. I try for everyone else but myself. I'm done. I'm finally done with everything Eren. I'm done with it all. I'm tired."
"Well if you ever need to talk, I'm here-," I interrupted him again.
"You won't be , though. You'll be with her. I don't have anyone anymore. I'm alone. I lost all my friends, all because of me. I'm the problem. I think problems require solutions. So if you excuse me, I'll be leaving now. Um I don't think I'm going to answer my phone though, so maybe just a goodbye would work."
"I don't know what you're talking about. Like I said, though, I'm still here."
"Bye Eren. For good this time."
I gave him a hug before walking away. I didn't care that Eren was trying to catch up to me. Like I said, I was done. This wasn't because of Eren. It was all my fault. I'm the only one to blame for the way I felt.
I walked outside the school and went to my car. I knew my mom was going to get a call about me walking out later, I didn't care, though. I didn't care about anything. There was no amount of weed I could smoke to get rid of it all. There was no solution for the way I felt, except the alternative.
The thing I always turned to in moments like these. I wasn't going to commit suicide over a boy, though. That's not why I was like this. Everything was always bottled up, and I realized sooner or later that I was going to end up committing. It was always something I thought about. I had actually been proud of myself for not thinking about committing suicide for a couple of weeks, just for this to happen. Small triggers, things, flipped my mood. Like I said in the beginning, I allowed my emotions to control me. There was always the possibility of me not waking up the next day due to my own actions. It was scary, yet I never talked about it with anyone. I had been fighting for a long time, a battle I knew I wasn't going to end up winning in the end. A battle that I was done fighting.
I hadn't realized that I was just sitting in my car crying until I heard a knock at my window. It was Eren. As much as I said I didn't care, I was curious to hear what his last words were to me.
I unlocked the car, to which he came to the passenger side.
"Were you really thinking about doing it?"
"Doing what?"
"You know what."
"Yeah, so what? Doesn't matter, my life doesn't matter. I don't affect anyone, at least not in a positive way. I don't want to grow up, honestly I don't want to continue living. I've felt like this since I was a kid, it never got better and it never is. I've never actually been happy, purely happy. I never will be. So please, just leave me alone. Save yourself the time. You don't want to spend your time talking to a failure."
"What if I do? What if I do want to spend time with you? Y/n I know you don't realize it but, I'm happy when you're around. I don't want you to ever think that you leaving me would be the right option. Everything is always better when you're around."
"You're lying. You're just saying that, so I don't feel shittier."
"I'm really not, though."
"Yeah, sure."
"Eren, can I ask you something?"
"I mean yeah, sure. What is it?"
"Why haven't you told her? I mean you love her, right? So why not tell her?"
"I haven't personally known her long enough. I feel like it's too soon."
"But Mikasa said you had loved her since 7th grade, right? So how could you have not known her for long?"
"I just recently started getting close to her. I've only known her for about 6 months."
"Still. I think you should tell her. She deserves to know."
"I don't know. I still think it's too soon."
"Well can I give you my input?"
"Sure."
"I think you should tell her. You love her Eren. Not just like, but love. You've loved her for years, I think the least you could do is tell her how you feel."
"Yeah, but I don't think she likes me back."
"Why?"
"She acts like she hates me, and to be honest I don't know if she's acting. I keep hurting her, over and over again. I know she deserves better. She deserves so much better than me. She deserves to be happy. Happy without me. All I do is cause her hurt."
"So then stop hurting her. I'm agreeing with Mikasa on this one. Man the fuck up, Eren."
"Wow, two scoldings in one day? Yikes."
"Now back to the real issue, why were you crying?"
"It doesn't matter."
"It does, though, it matters to me."
"Eren. I'm going to say this in the nicest way possible. Stop coming around me while you love her. You ask yourself why she probably doesn't love you like you love her, well I have the answer. You're with me all the time. Seeing another girl with the guy that you want isn't something any girl wants to see. If you want her to love you back, then maybe stop doing this. Stop talking to me, coming around me."
"Y/n-" I interrupted him.
"No Eren, just stop. You wanna know something? I thought about what you and Jean had said for a while, I thought about what everyone said. I thought I had connected the dots. I thought you had liked me, just for a split second. Who the hell was I kidding, you're in love with another girl after all. I was stupid to think you liked me."
"Why's it bothering you so much that I could like someone else?"
___________________________________
A/N:
writing this chapter made me cry. also i'm sorry, i have a lot of shit going on rn. i'll try my best to still update the most I can.