Twelve.
To find a peaceful place, look at yourself. You are your own peace. If you keep on thinking about something that could make your heart clenches in pain, then you wouldn't find the peace that you want ever since. Tayo lang ang nanakit sa sarili natin. Tayo lang ang umaasa sa mga bagay na 'yon kaya sa huli, tayo ang nagdurusa.
Naiintindihan ko naman na mahirap patahimikin ang isip kaya nga deserve natin ng taong hindi tayo bibigyan ng pangamba at pag-aalala. That's one of the worst feelings that I've felt— begging God to silence my mind and heal me.
I took a deep sigh. Pinapanood ko ang bawat pagpatak ng ulan sa aking palad. Patuloy pa rin sa pagbuhos ang malakas na ulan simula kanina. Hindi ako makaalis sa waiting shed dahil nauna si Margarette sa akin umuwi. I wasn't ready. Tirik na tirik ang araw kanina kaya wala sa isip ko na uulan nang gan'to kalakas. Hindi tuloy ako nakapagdala ng payong.
I waited for almost an hour there. Tumila kahit papaano ang ulan. Nagsimula akong maglakad nang hindi inaalintana ang kahit na ano kahiy na nababasa na ako. I just keep on walking without minding my surrounding. Uwing-uwi na talaga ako. Sumasama ang pakiramdam ko kapag masama rin ang panahon.
It sucks... when you're not living your life. It sucks when you're feeling emptiness inside your heart. It really sucks being sad for no reason. Hindi mo alam kung ano pa ba ang purpose ng buhay mo. Why am I still alive if I'm not happy anymore?
"Hay, sino'ng nagsabi sa 'yong p'wede kang magpaulan?"
I was startled when I heard Zavion's voice. Napahawak ako sa aking dibdib dahil sa gulat at mabilis ko siyang hinarap. He's holding an umbrella and standing beside me so he could share his umbrella with me. My lips pursed and I immediately looked away.
"Kailan ka pa napunta rito?"
Ilang araw na rin ang lumipas simula no'ng huli ko siyang makita. The last time was when I went to Margarette's house and I saw him walking at the outside of their house. Margarette told me that he's very busy nowadays. Ate Elaine is also busy that's why I'm wondering why did he show up if he could just rest and spend this day with himself.
"You have a weak resistance, Elvira. Don't risk your health," he sighed.
"P'wede namang uminom ng maraming tubig at maligo," I said quietly.
He only shook his head and didn't answer me after that. Kung para sa aming dalawa, mas'yadong maliit ang kan'yang payong kaya kinailangan ko pang idikit nang mas'yado ang aking sarili sa kan'ya. I tried to look at him to look at his reaction but it looks like he doesn't give a damn about it. Diretso lamang ang kan'yang tingin sa daan at blanko lamang ang kan'yang ekspresyon.
"Here," he handed me his umbrella.
"Huh?"
"Use this umbrella," he uttered. "I have jacket."
And after telling me that, he wore his jacket, gave me his umbrella, and he kept his distance away from me. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa payong nang lumayo siya sa akin at wala man lang siyang imik sa ginawa niyang 'yon.
"What's with the sudden—"
"I know that you're still not comfortable kapag may katabi kang lalaki," his eyes drifted on me. "Now, do you want to eat something? It's raining. Kumakain ka ba ng lugaw? Kain tayo, gusto mo?"
It was so awkward when someone's looking at you without even blinking while waiting for you to answer him, so instead of talking, I just nodded my head immediately to get rid of his stares.
"Malapit na ang finals namin... that's why I'm busy," he informed me. "But I want to see you, that's why I'm here."
I was caught-off guard by his last sentence. Nagkunwari akong hindi na lamang pinansin 'yon at mas pinagtuonan 'yong una niyang sinabi.
"I know, kaya nga dapat nagpapahinga ka na lang ngayon. May duty ka pa mamaya, 'di ba? How was it?"
"When you really love what you're doing, sobrang maaapektuhan ka talaga ng patients mo... lalo na kapag nahihirapan sila," he sighed.
My lips curved into a thin line. I stared at him for so long before I look away.
What I like about Zavion is he is very passionate in everything that he's doing. Inaalay niya talaga 'yong buong oras, sarili, at pagmamahal niya sa bagay na 'yon. He's not doing it only to satisfy himself, he's doing it because he wants to help others.
"When I was young, when I saw someone suffering because of their health conditions, I told myself that one day, I would take away their pain. I want to heal others. I don't want them to experience the same pain again... that's my damn main goal, pero hindi nga talaga maiiwasan 'yon. Sa mundo, kailangan may mawala para makamit ang kasiyahan."
"But why do we have to lose someone if they can just stay by our sides? Why do we have to lose others if they mean the whole world to us? Yes, you lost someone but are you happy?"
"I don't know if you know about this... but I lost my Mom when I was young," he uttered. "Since that day, I don't know what's the meaning of happiness anymore... but little did I know, ayon pala 'yong magli-lead sa landas na tinatahak ko ngayon. Hindi ko papangaraping maging Doctor kung hindi dahil sa kan'ya."
My lips parted in shock. I reached for his arms and gripped it tightly.
"You, what? Wala ka ng Mama?" My eyes widened.
"Tanggap ko na 'yon, Elvi. H'wag kang mag-alala," he chuckled. "I love my Mother so much... but yeah, we lose someone for a reasons. Hindi man natin alam 'yon sa kasalukuyan, malalaman din natin 'yon sa tamang panahon."
True to his words, dinala niya ako sa isang kainan. Someone approached us. Zavion asked what do I like to eat first before talking to the boy again. Tahimik lamang akong nakamasid sa kan'yang bawat galaw habang siya'y abala na ngayon sa kan'yang phone. Looks like he's typing a message for someone. Napanguso ako at umiwas na lamang ng tingin.
I am still shocked with his revelation. Margarette didn't tell me that his Mother died when he was young. All this time, akala ko sobrang stable niya sa lahat, but turns out, sila na lang pala ng Papa niya. I don't know if he has siblings because I didn't ask him about it.
"Uh... I like arroz caldo."
"Na-order ko 'yon. Do you like something else?"
Mabilis akong umiling. Kahit na magkaharap lamang kami ngayon, ramdam ko pa rin mula sa aking kinauupuan na pagod siya. From the way he breathes, to the way he looks at me. Siglahan man niya ang boses niya, his eyes could never lie that he's very tired.
Nang dumating ang pagkain, walang sumubok na magsalita sa aming dalawa. Siya, dahil siguro sa pagod kaya kahit ang pagsalita ay hindi na niya magawa. Me, I just don't feel like talking. I just want to cherish this moment with him— this moment that I'm with Zavion again, eating.
It's just so amazing how someone could make you forget that you're sad. I appreciate his silence. Hindi man siya nagsasalita, ngunit alam kong lagi siyang nakikinig. His silence is his way of telling me that his ears are always ready to listen about my rants and dramas. His silence is his way of telling me that I can lean on him... always.
"You know, I don't really like it when it's raining." I started talking. "A lot of people love it... and I wonder why? Bakit, kung mas nakakapagdagdag lang 'yon sa lungkot na nararamdaman mo?"
"I think it's because when they're sad, when they're crying, the sky is also crying with them. They feel like they're not fighting alone this battle."
"I hate it..." I murmured. "Kinamumuhian ko ang ulan," saad ko habang nakatanaw sa labas, patuloy pa rin sa pagbuhos ang ulan.
Sa mga sumunod na araw, sa sobrang init, parang naka-free trial ako sa impyerno. Dumadagdag sa init ng ulo ko 'yong init ng panahon. Nakakawalang gana ring gumawa dahil hindi mo alam kung ano ang uunahin— gumawa ba o magreklamo nang magreklamo dahil mainit?
"Tanginang panahon 'to. Pabago-bago!" Asik ko.
"Tumahimik ka nga! Mamaya na pasahan nito, gago ka ba? Tapos chill ka lang diyan?" Margarette was too focused on her papers. Halos hindi niya rin nagalaw 'yong pagkain niya sa sobrang pagmamadali niya. Magulo na rin ang kan'yang buhok at sunod-sunod ang pagtulo ng kan'yang pawis.
"Isusulat ko na lang 'yong sagot ko kaya nga chill lang ako, e. I am confident. May mga sagot na kasi ako," my lips curved into a smirk.
"Ulol! Saan mo nakuha sagot mo? Wala ka namang source, ah?"
"I sent the questionnaires to Zavion through iMessage and I asked for his help. Duh, mautak 'to, 'no!" I pointed my head, bragging. "Kung p'wede naman kasing humingi ng tulong, bakit hindi?"
"Baka naman, friend..." Biglang lumambing ang kan'yang boses.
"Text mo na lang siya. Mag-effort ka rin, tanga!"
"Kung tutulungan naman kasi ako ni Zavion, kanina ko pa pinasagot 'to sa kan'ya, 'di ba?"
"Close nga kayo tapos hindi niya 'yan sasagutan? Kung ako nga, tinulungan niya, paano pa kaya ikaw?"
"Sa 'yo lang naman kasi gano'n 'yon!" She rolled her eyes. "Mahalaga bawat oras no'n at hindi 'yon magsasayang ng oras dahil lang sa test paper ko na 'to! Pero kapag ikaw, hindi niya matatawag na sayang 'yong oras niya!" She chuckled.
"Ulol, pakyu," nasambit ko na lamang at dali-daling s-in-end sa kan'ya 'yong mga sagot. "O, ayan na, manahimik ka na!"
I started taking down my answers without talking to her. Nakakabaliw lang siya kung kakausapin ko pa. She's spitting nonsense words. Sa sobrang walang kuwenta ng sinasabi niya, hindi na maalis-alis sa isip ko 'yon. I shook my head repeatedly and focus on my papers instead. Gladly that Margarette didn't tease me about it because she's also busy with her papers. I sighed and massaged my temples.
I was very exhausted when I came home. Tahimik ang bahay. Wala si Ate, at kung iisipin ko naman si Mama, baka nasa kuwarto niya 'yon, using her gadgets while Papa is busy with his work. Nasanay na ako sa gano'ng routine kahit na nakakawalang gana na talagang tumira bahay na 'to. At least, I still have my comfort place— my room.
Nakahinga ako nang maluwag nang tuluyan akong makahiga sa aking kama. I closed my eyes and relaxed my mind for a moment. I cleared my thoughts while inhaling and exhaling. Namulat ko lamang ang aking mga mata nang marinig ko ang biglaang pagbuhos ng ulan.
Lumipat ang tingin ko sa bintana. Tanaw ko mula sa aking kinahihigaan ang malungkot at tahimik na paligid... at ang umiiyak na langit. The rain is triggering my emotions again and I don't know why.
Huminga ako nang malalim. Dahan-dahan na namang gumagapang ang kalungkutan sa aking buong sistema. Atticus said that depression is being sad and not remembering why... and it's true. I thought I was fine. Ayos naman ako kanina, but why all of a sudden, I'm being like this again?
I reached for my phone and connected it to my AirPods. I tried listening to a songs that could calm me... but I ended up crying.
I am fucking crying again.
Crying while holding my chest because of the pain that I'm currently feeling. I am gasping for air because I also can't breathe properly. Sobrang sakit ng dibdib ko. Sobrang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. Hindi ako makahinga nang maayos... dahil sa sakit, sa lungkot, at parang may kulang.
I didn't know how I ended up messaging Zavion. The only thing I knew, I am looking for him... that's why my hand clicked his name and quickly typed a message for him. My tears are still falling from eyes down to my cheeks and I couldn't stop myself from crying.
I don't really know why I'm being emotional like this. Sobrang... sobrang hirap ng gan'tong routine.
To: Zavion
Umuulan na naman.
After sending him that message, I put my phone on the top of my bedside table. I'm not expecting a reply from him because I know that he's busy. Hinayaan ko na lamang ang aking mga luha na matuyo sa aking pisngi. I stared at the ceiling for so long until I reached again for my phone when it beeped.
Ang naniningkit kong mga mata dahil sa kakaiyak ay nanlaki matapos kong basahin ang mensahe sa akin ni Zavion. I was lost for words and I couldn't type a reply. I quickly get up and wipe my dry tears. I wear a jacket and look for my umbrella. Halos hindi ako makapag-isip nang maayos sa kamamadali.
What the hell is he thinking?!
From: Zavion
Labas ka. Nandito ako.
My hands are shaking as I hurried out. True to his words, I saw him at the outside of our house, holding an umbrella, and a three plastics. Nang makita niya ako sa gilid ng pinto, agad na lumipad ang kan'yang mga mata sa aking mukha.
We were like that for one minute— staring at each other, not opening our mouth... just staring.
I walk towards the gate and open it for him. Sinilong niya ang mga dala niyang plastics bago ako tingnang muli. I look away so I couldn't look at his eyes. Para bang sinusuri nito ang bawat detalye sa aking mukha... at kinakabahan ako roon.
"Bakit ka—"
He didn't give me a chance to finish what I'm about to say because he quickly pulled me closer to him, let go of his umbrella, and hugged me tightly. Sobrang higpit ng kan'yang yakap na para bang takot siyang pakawalan ako.
Dahil sa panghihina, nabitiwan ko rin ang hawak kong payong na nagsilbing silungan namin sa ulan. Hindi ko na pinansin kahit na nababasa na ako nito. Sa oras na 'to, isa lang ang mahalaga sa akin. Kahit mabasa ako ngayon at magkasakit, wala na akong pakialam.
"Hindi ka na lalaban mag-isa simula ngayon," he said quietly. "Sa laban mong 'to, kasama mo na ako..."
He is hugging me... under the rain.
Akala ko, lungkot at luha lang ang kayang ibigay sa akin ng ulan dahil ayon naman palagi ang nararamdaman ko tuwing umuulan, ngunit sa sandaling ito, sa gitna ng malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan... nahanap ko ang matagal ko nang hinahanap— ang kapayaan.
Ang kapayapaan sa gitna ng maingay kong isip at mabigat kong dibdib.
At nahanap ko 'yon sa kan'ya... kay Zavion.