⚠︎︎TRIGGER WARNING
⚠︎︎Panic attack and angst, mention of S.Rs addiction⚠︎︎
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Once the jet landed, you took a little longer to get your things together so that you could avoid walking alongside everybody else.
However, when everyone exited the Jet, Hotch stayed back with you, causing you to internally curse.
"How are you feeling?" Hotch asked as you descended down the stairs.
"Fine, I just had a night terror, I haven't had one for a while, but I get them every so often" you replied sounding as casual as possible.
"Y/n, if you need to sit this one out, that's completely fine with me. I understand you might struggle with certain issues since we are coming up to the anniversary of-" Hotch began.
"Hotch I'm fine, I'm sorry for waking you up, it won't happen again" You cut in then speeding off towards Spencer to avoid the uncomfortable situation.
Once you got to the SUVs, you and Derek drove off to the abduction sites together as instructed by Hotch.
"You're doing it again," Derek mentioned as you looked around the little boy's bedroom.
"Doing what?" You asked curiously.
"Biting your bottom lip" Derek stated, causing you to immediately stop.
"You do it when you're anxious."
"Don't profile me Derek Morgan" You snapped grumpily.
"It's hard not to when you have a break down on the jet, then pretend nothing happened," he commented checking the window.
You internally cringed, and rolled your eyes, turning your back on Derek.
"Don't do that... Come on kid, talk to me. You're anxious, you're not sleeping, you're definitely not focused, and don't tell me you're fine, because you're not." Derek sighed.
"How do you know I'm not focusing?" You questioned turning back around curiously.
"Because you stared at this window for 10 minutes, and didn't notice the scratch marks on the window sill." Derek retorted pointing to four prominent lines of chipped paint.
You exhaled audibly as you looked at the lines but didn't say anything.
"It's to do with your abduction right?" He questioned.
"I was fine before after it happened... I was fine, S-Spence was the worry, he'd get night terrors, he'd get anxious, basically all the tell-tale signs of PTSD, but I was fine... Now, I don't know" you explained in defeat.
"Have you spoken to Reid about it?" Derek asked.
"Not really." you sighed checking around the bed.
"Is something going on between you two?"
"No, we're fine. Great in fact, b-but that why I don't want to tell him. It took us a long time to get to this point in our relationship, where everything is just so, so, good... I mean, I'm getting married and everything is great... But then my brain decided to fuck with me and now... I'm just falling back on my work... I-I feel like Spencer is always looking after me... I'm always the worry, with my depression, and anxiety and general yet to be resolved issues, I just feel like it's not fair on him to have to worry about me all the time." you told him honestly.
"Do you mean you feel like a burden?" Derek questioned.
"I guess, yeah... It's complicated though-"
"How?"
"I... Up until recently, everyone in my life abandoned me, a-and I didn't have many people, to begin with... My parents, a lot of my friends, Gideon, I-I mean for a very long time, anyone who I got close with, left in one way or another... And after a while, I started to think that maybe the reason why they kept leaving is... me." you explained biting your bottom lip once more.
"You think that you're going to drive Spencer away?"
"Yeah, and I know, I shouldn't be worried because Spencer is literally perfect, and would never leave but once you start believing something like that, it's hard to stop... Also, it would be different if Spencer was also going through it, but he's fine now, a-and before, he managed it really well... I-I mean, no mental breakdowns, no smashing plates and threatening suicide like I've done in the past" You continued,
"People deal with trauma differently. I think part of why Spencer deals better is because he learned the hard way of how not to deal. I mean, I watched Spencer fall apart once upon a time. It was similar to you, he'd come in looking exhausted, he was late to work almost every day, he was grumpy, he'd snap at Emily mainly, he'd disappear off for 20 to 40 minutes frequently, and there was a point where I was so worried that we were losing the kid I knew." Derek told you solemnly.
"You're talking about after Hankel right?" you asked.
"Yeah, it was a weird time, because I tried to be there for him, but I wasn't there for him enough, I was too worried about him losing his job that I just hoped he'd sort everything out himself. But I mean, if I'm being honest, whenever he was late, I was so terrified that he was lying on his bathroom floor with a needle sticking out his arm, after overdosing. Luckily, he'd always turn up 10 or 20 minutes later. But he lost himself for a long time, and I wish you were there when he was like that because I know that you would have helped him through it. Because we didn't, we were too focused on his reputation and his job to actually help him. And in the end, he got clean all by himself, and I've never forgiven myself for that" Derek explained with a sigh.
"I think you were there for him more than you think. You realize he stopped for you guys right? He stopped because his rock bottom was letting you down." You pointed out.
"It doesn't change the fact that he was using for months, and no one said anything to him. He doesn't talk about it much, but when he has, he's told me about how he went through withdrawal alone, and he fought the craving alone. Obviously, he didn't make that sound spiteful but that's the truth, and I see the kid as my little brother, I just wish I was there for him."
"This is different, I'm not an addict, I'm not using, I'm just-- I don't know" you mumbled.
"You're right, but you're trying to hide how you're feeling. And you think that you're doing everyone a favor by hiding your struggles, but we all see it, it's quite hard to hide from a bunch of profilers. And it's not healthy or fair on you... I hope you've realized by now that you're family, and families support each other. You aren't alone anymore Y/n, and you need to start reminding yourself of that." Derek whispered gently.
"I'm not gonna cry at a crime scene, but I hope you know that when we get back to the hotel, you're getting the biggest hug in the world" You sniffed.
"You got it kid" Derek winked.
After you were done searching the crime scenes, you got back in the SUV and drove to the police station.
The day was long and pointless. Unfortunately, you didn't find the unsub like everyone always wishes would happen on the first day.
Despite the day being long and pointless, you were kept busy making it hard for you to get a moment with Spencer.
When you got back to the hotel, you were so exhausted that you basically fell asleep immediately and yet again you didn't get a chance to talk to Spencer.
♥︎
Child abduction cases always tended to be difficult, and stressful. There wasn't a moment of relaxation when all you could focus on was what some creep could be doing to those kids.
You most definitely weren't working your best either. Lack of sleep stopped you from focusing, it also led to you not feeling very hungry and not eating much, which was just another addition to your bad coping habits, and all of that just made working very hard.
Also, everyone seemed to be checking on you every half an hour making sure you weren't about to have a breakdown. It was maddening.
However, on the third day of the case, Penelope found some vital information on the unsub which just overall led to the team catching him and luckily finding the children slightly traumatized but physically unharmed.
Standing in the police precinct, you smiled as you watched the parents get reunited with their children, there was a lot of crying, and mothers telling their kids how much they loved them.
As you stood there watching, Spencer came to join you, a relieved smile painted across his face. It was a wholesome moment which was quickly ruined by your brain thinking that the skinny, brunette who had just walked in to come collect her child was your mother.
You quickly realized that she wasn't, but once you got the image in your head you couldn't ignore it, your chest tightened, your breath got hitched in your throat, and your heart pounded in your chest.
Panicked, you quickly hurried away from Spencer and towards the bathroom, grabbing Derek's arm on the way, and pulling him into the restroom with you.
"Kid, you alright?" He asked in confusion, you shook your head wildly.
"I... C-Can't b-breathe" You stammered desperately trying to inhale enough air.
"Ok, you're having a panic attack, so I'm going to need you to focus on something in the room or think about someone who makes you feel calm" Derek said calmly.
You attempted to focus on Derek but that didn't work, and whenever you tried to think about anything all that popped into your head was your mother.
Your heart raced and you quickly began to feel lightheaded as black dots clouded your vision. Suddenly the door swung open and Spencer rushed in, he ran towards you and grabbed you as your knees began to buckle.
"I got intrusive thoughts that something was wrong, I tried to fight them for a while but then I just couldn't ignore them, so I-" Spencer rambled just making you panic more.
"Spence... Sh-Shut up" You stuttered.
"Sorry, right look at me," Spencer said calmly.
"I-I can't s-see" you mumbled the black dots having clouded your vision completely.
"Ok, then listen to my voice. Do you know what I was thinking about recently? I was thinking, that we should move into a house, I imagined having 4 maybe 5 bedrooms, and a big garden." Spencer whispered softly.
"Can you imagine it?"
"Y-Yeah" You murmured picturing a big, beautiful house.
"And one day, those bedrooms will be filled with children, I was thinking around 3 or 4 children, whatever you're comfortable with," Spencer suggested his voice soft and calm.
"L-let's start with one for the time being" You chuckled attempting to lighten the mood even though you were still having slight difficulty breathing, although everything was calming down now, and you were regaining your vision.
"Sure, and we should probably get married first," Spencer added.
"What is this the 1930s. Will I be a-a whore if I'm unmarried?" you asked as Spencer and Derek helped you sit down against the wall.
"Of course not, I'd just like to see you walk down the aisle as I have imagined it in my head." Spencer smiled walking a tear from your cheek.
"Hotch wants to go home today because it's Jack's birthday tomorrow, so do you want to avoid the others and go now?" Derek asked crouching down in front of you, you nodded and allowed them both to help you stand up.
Unfortunately, your limbs had turned to jelly, and you fell again, luckily the boy caught you just in time.
They aided you out of the bathroom, pretending to look as casual as normal and all three of you sunk out the precinct without anyone noticing.
♥︎
Once you got on the Jet, Derek drove back to meet the others while you and Spencer boarded and took your usual space on the couch, where you proceeded to tell Spencer everything.
"Y/n, do you think I would have proposed if I didn't want to look after you? I've seen you breakdown in so many ways, don't think that, if I didn't want to have to deal with that, that I would've stayed with you?" Spencer asked rhetorically.
"I know, it's just... It feels so one-sided, I always feel like you look after me and worry about me, and I never do anything for you." You sighed.
"That's because you're more conscious of when I look after you. Looking after me is a natural response so you don't think much about it. But I don't think that we're one-sided. You're not a problem Y/n, you're the love of my life and I'll always be there for you the same way you'll always be there for me" Spencer whispered wrapping his arm around you.
"So what do we do about this? Maybe I'm just impatient, but I just want to stop feeling like this," you told him.
"Well, we'll talk more, and you'll talk to your therapist too, and soon everything will just get better, but like before, I'm afraid these things do take time," Spencer explained pulling you closer to him.
Soon, the rest of the team boarded the Jet, Hotch was on the phone as he walked past you, but he glanced at you with a serious expression as he did so.
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When the jet landed, everyone hurried to their desks as fast as they could to get their post-case report done, so that they could go home and rest, however, Hotch called you to his office for a serious chat.
You reluctantly dragged yourself to his office assuming he was about to tell you to take some time off or get some proper help, however, the conversation went quite differently.
"I'm not happy to tell you this, but as I was boarding the jet, I got a call from Washington woman's correctional facility... Your mother has requested to see you." Hotch informed you as you sat down opposite him.
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A/n: Uh oh