contains
mental illness
suicidal behavior
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I started my car and made my way home. As soon as I got home I went up to my room, and picked some clothes so I could take a shower. When I entered the bathroom I stripped myself of my clothes.
To think I actually thought I looked good in that. I don't know what I was expecting honestly.
I should've just went with sweats and an oversized t shirt, at least then I wouldn't be feeling as shitty as I am now. I would never be able to wear the outfit I wanted, without someone saying something about it. I started the shower and allowed it to run. As my shower was warming up, I decided to take my makeup off. I looked at my self in the mirror. The person in the mirror wasn't someone I recognized anymore, it was a girl who just wanted attention. A girl who wanted love, someone who didn't want to be used.
After my shower was warm enough I stepped in and immediately slumped onto the shower floor. I curled up and a ball and began crying. I was letting it all out, everything I had felt was starting to come out in the shower. I sat there and cried, thinking about everything.
What did I ever do to make people hate me? Why did everyone dislike me? Why couldn't I ever find someone to truly love me? Am I going to be lonely for the rest of my life? Will I ever stop feeling this way? Why couldn't it all just stop? Why couldn't I just be happy and normal?
I cried and cried for about an hour. Eventually I got out and got dressed. I felt like shit, utter shit. I know I shouldn't allow one small remark to completely destroy me, but it wasn't just one remark. Everything was bottled up inside of me, and had finally spilt out. It felt good to cry. I brushed my hair, and stared at my swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks.
Pathetic.
I stared at myself in the mirror a little longer and began to realize something.
When did I change into this person? When did I become the problem?
I hated myself, I hated everything about me. I hated myself inside and out, but there was nothing I could to change. I was stuck like this, and this is how I'll always be.
There were still tears streaming down my face.
Maybe I did deserve to feel like this, I deserved a little bit of the hurt I exerted onto others.
My remaining tears were quickly wiped off with a towel. Then, I brushed my teeth, and made my way to my bedroom. My mom still wasn't home.
Probably out with my dad, I thought.
I laid myself down onto my bed, and crawled up into a ball, hugging my pillow.
I just wanted someone here, I didn't want to be alone.
I cried all night that day. I cried so hard to the point where my cheeks burned of tears, and my eyes could no longer see.
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A/N:
i know this is a short chapter, but i though that it'd be important to actually show y/n's inner thoughts and behaviors. y/n's inner self isn't really known throughout the story yet, so getting to actually know her was something that i saw of as important. i also understand that this is probably a sensitive subject to a lot of people, myself included. i didn't only take this as a time to write more in depth about the character, but a time to also combine my own inner thoughts with the character. so i guess in a way this was sort of a rant.