Lan Xichen cursed his heart for making him unable to leave. His confession had left Wanyin in shock. He could see emotions cloud so thickly, he didn't even notice the departure. Lan Xichen was currently going around the Sect, avoiding the quarters or the guest room altogether.
Even his self-restraint wasn't good enough when it came to Wanyin. He spent all his day either at the grounds or around the various small lakes that covered Lotus Pier. For a long time he sat at his favourite spot, Wanyin had brought him to, in their very first moment, covered in grass, under the tree, private and serene. Only when late in the evening after he was resolved to simply retire for the day, did he go to his room and all the resolve not to see Wanyin crumbled at the sound of Miss Zhou's voice.
"Sect Leader Jiang. Why are you all wet? Did you go to the lake again? Let me fetch you fresh clothes."
Lan Xichen found his feet drifting in that direction, "No. Please get someone to prepare a bath."
"Oh! It is done already."
"Thank you for your work Miss Zhou. You can retire for the day." Lan Xichen had turned the corner and saw Miss Zhou rushing in Wanyin's room and rush back out with a clean cloth and wrap it around his shoulders, fretting about. Anxious anger rose in his chest wanting to pry away the woman's hands from Wanyin' shoulder. The worst part was Wanyin standing perfectly still, following her movements with his eyes. Lan Xichen was only a few steps away when their eyes met.
"Miss Zhou. Please retire for the day." Lan Xichen heard the command in the voice and the woman retreated with a small bow and no words.
If it were in Lan Xichen's habit to rage and storm, he would have done it, like he did back then. But he was outside his sect with a clan name to uphold and thus asked in perfect composure, "Is it because of her that you refuse me?"
Wanyin, who had begun to enter his room paused at the door, "No."
Then he proceeds to walk in. It is only when the towel was removed from Jiang Wanyin's shoulders did he end up regarding the state of the person before him. His outer robe was too thin, clinging along with his inner robe to his frame like a second skin. Lan Xichen found his restraint breaking at the dripping wet hair that the other let loose or the robes that stuck in sinful places. Lan Xichen looked away before he could get closer.
"Wanyin. What about me? What do you feel about me?" his eyes got pulled back by a pair of cold hands and crumpled skin pressing into his face as freshwater slipped from Wanyin's lips to his.
"This." Wanyin's lips moved against his in answer but he couldn't comprehend as he lost himself in the kiss. It was slow, just a press at first before Wanyin pulled away and breathed a sigh onto his lips. Then Wanyin came forward, slowly pressed their lips together again, closed his eyes and took the bottom lips between his, sucking and sliding his tongue delicately as if savouring his favourite dish, moving to capture the corner of his lip and pulling it away before rolling his tongue in a flick, proceeding to run it along the inside of his lips. Lan Xichen's body moved on its own as the other's tongue asked for permission. It was slow, so painfully slow. If possible, Wanyin slowed down even more. Playing with his tongue, exploring his mouth, sucking and nibbling and he kept going. He was drowning.
This kiss was unlike the Wanyin he knew. Did he really not know or understand Wanyin at all? He had to pull away for his head couldn't think straight. All it did was savour every slow second of the kiss that left him breathless. Wanyin seem to be more in his senses than him as he turned his back to Lan Xichen once again.
Wanyin went about his room, speaking and pulling dry robes, placing them on the screen, loosening his other robes, removing his boots. The act would have undone him had the words not been shocking.
"Lan Huan. I have liked you for a long time and it was fucking painful to see you smile back at doe eyes with such warmth. So I turned away and focused on doing what I could do and having what I could have instead of pinning after things that were never meant to be mine. And now you come and tell me that you liked me back then and still went... and you still went into the arms of..." Lan Xichen felt tears begin to fall and frustration began to build. Wanyin was practically screaming at this point, panting, turned away still.
"You tell me, if I was so easy to replace, why should I return your feelings in the first place. So, it doesn't matter what I feel. I feel you should leave because there can be anything and everything between us but love."
Wanyin said it, the one word he had longed to hear and tears began to roll from his eyes. He knew all he needed to know from the kiss Wanyin had bestowed upon him and yet he was being pushed away. He was always feeling pushed away. He now knew Wanyin was afraid. Afraid to love back. What could he do now but convince him? Convince him with all his might that there was non but him, there had never been anyone but Wanyin. He rushed to Wanyin and turned him around.
"If you don't love me then why does this feel so good?" Lan Xichen kissed him, only to be shoved back. But he was ready, his hands shot out and grabbed Wanyin. Pulling him close to his chest. He caught hold of his narrow, sharp chin and forced his mouth to claim the other, like Wanyin had done to him one time. Forced his tongue and savoured the taste of lake water in his mouth, mixed with the sublet scent of lotuses. As soon as his grip relaxed, Wanyin's hand were at his chest and he was pushed back into the bed pole, that creaked loudly.
"Feeling good has nothing to do with love," Lan Xichen witness the expression of anger in his face when he walked up to him and place a knees between his legs and pressed up slowly but surely.
"Wanyin." he warned.
"Why Sect Leader Lan? Does it not feel good?'' Then Wanyin did the unthinkable and Lan Xichen's eyes rolled back into his head as a warm hardness and wet clothes rubbed and pressed between his legs. The pleasure, even with the clothes between them was too much to handle. His control was slipping away and Wanyin's next words snapped him.
"No love and it still feels so good." Lan Xichen's eyes focused on the challenging smirk and his hand reached out to press into Wanyin's backside as he pulled the perfect round mounds in his hand and filled his hands with just a clingy wet layer of robes between them. He pulled the hips close and lined the two shafts while grinding them harder, through the clothes.
"If you do not love me then why do you not stop me?" he couldn't bring himself to be angry anymore. Now all he wanted was for them to forget everything but the current was too strong and Lan Xichen's words triggered Wanyin to pull away and stagger. One of the candle stands went out in a snuff making the moment even more aggressive. He once again grabbed Wanyin by the hips. He felt Wanyin wrap his legs and grind harder making Lan Huan stagger back to the bedpost, in the dark. After staggering a little, he walked ahead and lined his love's back with the wall to hold him up. His hands were busy brushing in places that the wet robe enticed him to do. Wanyin pushed him once again but all reasoning has fallen away as they heard more clatter and clamor.
The pressure inside his pants was building high enough for him to forget the roaming hands of Wanyin until they came to pinch on his chest buds. Lan Xichen reached down and pressed his palm to the other's hardness, rubbing him up and down. Wanyin quickly climbed down and pushed Xichen back, until the back of his knees collided with the edge of the bed. Lan Xichen fell back against the soft mattress and noted the hungry and lustful look in Wanyin's eyes. With the loss of control over his emotions, he scoffed, "And Sect Leader Jiang says he does not love?"
Something in Wanyin's eyes changed and Lan Xichen saw cold water poured and drowsed out the fire in them. Regret filled him immediately. The lightning streak was gone, the burning was gone, the sharp turn of his lip was done, the whole person's anger vanish.
Wanyin pushed himself away from the bed. Wanyin's eyes never left him as he kept backing away, coming by the wall. Only then did he stop. Lan Xichen saw helplessly, struggling with his own painful need as water collected at the rim of Wanyin's eyes and the person pressed his hands to his eyes and laid his head back on the wall. The pain made Lan Xichen stand up and go to the person but Wanyin seem to want To move away further into the wall.
"Don't." Lan Xichen did not stop at the pain filled voice, pulled at Wanyin's wrist and saw tear stains smudged into his flushed skin.
"Open your eyes Wanyin." he called gently but the other just stayed quite, breaking his heart. He was the cause of this pain. Lan Xichen dipped his head and kissed the exposed throat instead of flushed lips and spoke over it.
"Open your eyes Wanyin." it came out stronger, like a command and the eyes opened. But they were riddled with pain and anger. Wanyin looked at him in such strong pain and anger that Lan Xichen moved back. He the cause of that look in the eyes.
"I cannot love you. I SHOULD NOT." Wanyin shouted pushing Lan Xichen with all his might but it didn't end there. The next instant, his jaw was in the sharp claw again and he was kissed with a passion of a first kiss all over again. Every touch, every kiss, every look, every reaction and action of this person within his arms spoke of how much he wanted this. Why did Wanyin kept denying him? Why was he in pain? It was all because of him. Wanyin's words echoed in his head. Liked you for so long. Painful to see. Pinning after you for so long. Still went into the arms of... Easy to replace. Anything and everything but love. He wanted to talk, to clear the air but what could he say? Every accusation sat heavily on his heart, pinched and poked him. All these years, he thought he was restrained, but all he did was create more distance between them.
But the other person did not want to talk anymore and so Xichen did not. Instead he responded with all the love, need and persistence. No afterthought, just this moment existed. If this is all he could give Wanyin, then so be it. He was resigned and frantic to keep this moment. Lan Xichen's movement got frantic, pulling at the robes, pushing the person against the wall once again, lips, against lips, hands roaming his sides, chest against chest, knees knocked together.
As Wanyin panted into the kiss and Lan Xichen picked him up and once again the hardness rubbed together, sending a shuddering moan through his body and a lovely sound mingled into his as Wanyin too moved. He felt his own twitch besides the other. In a swift motion he pulled Wanyin off the floor and laid him on the bed. The eyes, filled with the pleasure of his close release was still stained with the remains of his pain. Wanyin's eyes flashed in sadness as Lan Xichen looked into them with crushed hope.
"Wanyin?" he called, hoping his love would hear what he wanted to say but Wanyin refused him, closed his eyes and pulled him down with his lapels and crashed their lips together once again.
Lan Xichen pressed himself into Wanyin's arms as they clawed at the back of his clothes. Then, sharp fingers dug into his backside bringing him down grinding against Wanyin's hardness, again and again until, Lan Xichen shuddered from overwhelming pleasure and bit the inside of his cheek to stop from giving into the gutteral sound that build into his chest with his release.
Then, he came, dripping inside his own robes. The fog did not clear completely as he breathed hard against Wanyin's neck, listening to the ragged breathing of the one under him, when soft hands, pushed him away but Lan Xichen did not budge knowing Wanyin had still painfully held.
He reached below, between them and kneaded with his hand as he kissed the soft skin on the neck. He felt Wanyin twitch in his hands and realised the threat that it was. He was going to be hard again. Since his mind was clear now, Wanyin was pressed under him shuddering, eyes closed, head pressed back into the bed and wet hair loosened from his from his high bun, softened the sharpness of his frown and the quivering of his lips. Yes. He was hard again. But he he had Wanyin where he wanted him, pressed closed, heart pounding against his own, he asked,
"Why are you afraid to love me back Wanyin?" with that he kneaded his palm harder against Wanyin's switching hardness and the person under him froze again. His eyes opened, into focus, lips pulled back into a noiseless snarl and legs pressed together tightly enough to restrain the movement of his hand. Lan Xichen pressed down harder, afraid that the person would escape.
But the voice that followed was filled with such tearless sorrow that it made him tear up, "I love you. I already do. It's too late anyways but I cannot give you my heart knowing you will just walk away when you find someone better."
The look Wanyin gave him, broke his heart. Lan Xichen wanted to pull his hair out, push himself onto the man under him as the man's body went lax, his eyes resigned. He had nothing more to say, there was no bite in his words and no scream in his throat. He felt like he was spent.
"How can I prove to you that I love you, loved you and only you. It has always been you and no one else. I will never walk away, I never walked away." Lan Xichen wanted to slam his head against the wall at his own helplessness. Nothing made him as helpless as Wanyin does, then and now. He wanted to reach out, he reached out, but Wanyin just refused to take him into his heart.
"There is nothing you can do." With that his exhausted body was pushed off the bed into the floor. It was sheer muscle memory that saved him from submitting to the floor and left him standing. He was already hard and the sight of a drenching wet Wanyin, hard for him in th bed did little to comfort him. Wanyin leapt after him and pushed him back, further and further he pushed and Lan Xichen let himself stumble until he realised he was outside the door and the tired sound was whispered into the air.
"Leave and never come back." the broken whisper hurt more than the anger and the bite in Wanyin's voice ever did.
Was it over for them? Was he never going to see Wanyin again? Why? He loved Wanyin and Wanyin loved him. So why was this wall? I never left you, never replaced you. Why do you say so?
He knew he wasn't going to give up. He couldn't give up. Not now.