We sat in a large room inside the Wakandan capital. It was less of a meeting room and rather more of a large living room type situation. I sat next to Bucky on the couch and I rested my head on his shoulder silently as we sat there. We hadn't even gone to get ourselves looked at because we weren't even sure if there was any medical staff alive to help.
Shuri was gathering up who was alive and have us meet here. I watched as Steve, Nat, Bruce, Thor, the small raccoon man he had brought with him, and a few others made their way in here. There was no hugs there was no tears just a room full of people who felt empty.
I was filled with guilt and a weight on my shoulders that I knew I wasn't the only one to bear. We all felt horrible. We all thought that if we had just fought a little harder maybe we could have beat this. Though we all knew we couldn't have done anything. We were far outmatched to have prevented this.
Bucky kept a hand on me at all times since the snap. He refused to let go of me as if he was afraid I was going to dissipate like the rest of them. My heart weighed heavy as I thought about Tony, Peter, and even Pepper. I was anxious to call them and make sure they were okay, but I also feared them not answering.
I felt safe next to Bucky, but my heart sank deeper every time I thought of someone else that could have disappeared. I got closer to Bucky and he brought his good arm around me. I heard the door open and Shuri came in looking red faced.
"This is everyone." She announced straight faced as she walked towards the middle of the room. "I've sent my troops back to count our numbers, but this is all of us."
"Are you sure?" Steve said standing near her. She didn't answer right away, but nodded and I could see her eyes becoming glossy with tears. "I'm so sorry Shuri."
"We have rooms for you all to take." She said looking around at the people who hadn't been here before. "If you need medical assistance you can follow me to my lab after this and I can see what myself and what's left of my staff can do."
"Thank you Shuri." Nat said as she was sat on a bar stool across the room. "I can only imagine what you lost."
"We all lost someone today." She said crossing her arms and shaking her head. "We all hurt."
"If there's anything we can do to help you, what's left of us will do what we can." Steve said in a lower voice.
"I don't think there is anything to do, but mourn." She said looking down at the ground. "Come, let's get to the lab. You all don't look well."
I felt the upset in the room, but no one objected her offer. A few stayed put like Steve and Bruce but most followed her. I got to my feet and I struggled to use my core and leg to stand. I definitely had a broken bone or twelve inside of me, but it hardly hurt as much as my heart did.
I was guilty to be alive. So many people lost their life undeservingly. If anything most of them deserved to be here right now over me, but I had won the lottery if you could even call it that. I won a lottery I didn't deserve. Not to mention Bucky was alive, I thought surely one of us would have been gone.
"Don't rush." Bucky said flatly.
"I can't help it." I said weakly.
I felt Steve at my side and he helped me up. He helped Bucky as well and I heard the sounds of Bucky struggling. I was worried, but at this point we were alive, I didn't dare not be thankful for that.
"Do you guys need anything?" He asked looking to us with soft eyes.
"Call Tony while we're down there. Please make sure he's okay." I said with my head low. "Peter and Pepper too."
"I can do that. You two go get fixed up." He said firmly. "I'll check on you guys in the morning."
"Thanks Steve." Bucky said nodding to him.
We hobbled off towards the lab. I was definitely winded, but thankfully it was a short walk as we followed the small crowd. The lab was empty and dirty as she had what few employees she did have helping the wounded. We all had been roughed up, but I could see probably a hundred of her troops pretty messed up.
Bucky and I made it to a spare examination table and we both sat on it silently. I looked over to him and he was covered in dirt and blood. His metal arm had been nearly shredded off. He caught my wandering eyes and I met his weak and tired eyes.
"Did it hurt?" I asked. He shook his head and looked at it.
"He ripped it in half. I can't move any of it anymore." He said and it hung loosely.
"Can it come off?" I asked.
"Not that I'm aware of." He said.
Shuri and another male eventually came by. She looked over the both of us. The man took notes on my cuts and broken bones and Shuri took notes of Bucky's arm. She seemed to be quite focused and the smile she wore just yesterday was nonexistent now.
"I'm not sure if it can be removed. I have no idea who put it on me or how it was made." He said sounding exhausted.
"It can be removed easily, it will take me a few days to get one made." She said and I saw his confusion.
"What do you mean?" He asked her.
"You're new arm should take me a few days to construct, you'll have to go a few days without anything because I need to remove that one to use it as a reference for the new one." She said pointing to his arm.
"You can just make one?" He asked.
"Yes of course better than the last one at that. Do not worry, you will be up and working again in few days." She said giving him a small smile.
"I really appreciate it." He said just shaking his head.
"Of course, we'll be back shortly." She said and we both nodded and thanked her.
We had sat there for while so they could get to everyone else. Eventually someone else came back and cleaned out my arm and stitched me back up. They did some sort of laser thing to make the edges of the stitches hold better. It hurt a little, bit but I was thankful to not have my arm open like it had been.
A younger girl who couldn't have been older than 15 or 16 years old came over to help Bucky with his smaller cuts and scraps. She apologized for how young she was, but she said she was studying to become a nurse. I guess since Bucky's injuries were primarily mechanical his smaller scrapes and bumps could be handled by someone less experienced.
His leg was messed up as well, but he needed to wait for an actual doctor for that. She got him some medicine to take but he politely declined. No amount of pain killer would be enough to take any pain away. because of the serum. She seemed to understand what he had explained to her, but she left once she did as much as she could.
After a few hours a doctor came over and he brought a weird machine with him. They did Bucky's leg first because he offered to go first. He knew as soon as I saw the large robotic machine I tensed up. He handled it well and I will say watching him go first calmed me a little bit.
He stood up after they had finished and he seemed to be able to walk. He still had a small limp but I could see his relief when he was able to move freely. He mentioned he was sore, but he was feeling worlds better. I was up next to go and I felt tense despite watching Bucky go.
He stayed close to me holding my hand with his good one. Shuri was going to remove his shredded one once she finished with her other patients. I was worried how he was going to handle not having an arm, but I guess there was worse things.
The machine did its thing and I was wildly in pain. I had broken 60% of my ribs and they had a machine that was able to make small incisions to move them back without actually having to open me up like a normal doctor would. It caused it to take longer, but I wasn't going to have to worry about a surgery. I just tried to focus on Bucky playing with my hair.
I only shed a few silent tears and was thankful I didn't attack the machine like I had at the Stark Tower. They were polite and gentle enough, or at least as much as they could be. My ribs were extremely sore, but they were at least in place and I felt sturdier. They left and told us to come back tomorrow so we can be checked on.
Bucky helped me to get to my feet and we went off to go find our room. By this point we were painfully exhausted. We made it back to our room and the first thing I saw was the massacre out our window. The mess and chaos from today was now displayed in place of the beautiful scenery we had woken up to. I quickly went to the window and shut the blinds to keep that vision of what had happened away.
"You go shower first." Bucky said pointing as he turned on the main light.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yeah go on." He said nodding.
I went and grabbed my clothes from my drawer. I picked out something that was just going to be comfortable. Bucky was sifting through his drawer and not speaking. I was about to go walk to the bathroom, but I set my clothes on the end of the bed and walked towards him. I wrapped my arms around him and I could see his surprise.
He turned around in my arms after a second and I felt one arm wrap around me. His head rested on mine and I felt him start to shake and I looked up. His eyes were very red and I could tell he was crying. It was then that squeezed him harder knowing he was cracking.
"Bucky..." I said softly.
"Go shower I'm fine." He said with a big sniffle.
"Bucky-"
"Go on really." He looking down at me. "I love you."
His hand came to my cheek and he looked down at me. I pressed up onto my toes and I kissed his lips and I heard him breath out a heavy sigh. He leaned against me and his arm wrapped around me tightly. He however pulled away turning his head and his face was filled with pain.
"What's wrong?" I asked him.
"I can't even hug you." He said turning away and I saw he was upset.
"Bucky, you're alive." I said grabbing his waist. "You'll have a new arm in a day or two. I'll be here to help you."
"No!" He shouted and his arm came across and swiped the lamp off the nightstand next to us.
I jumped back and looked at him with wild eyes. He was breathing heavily as he stood there. I worried he was going to break something else so I stood with my back pressed against the bed. His hand went to his hair and I saw his muscles twitching and moving.
I was scared to move, but he slowly seemed to relax. He bent down and swiped up the lamp and slammed it back down on the table. I crossed my arms and waited because I didn't want to say something to upset him even further. He turned back around to me and I saw a concerning look in his eyes.
"Bucky, you need to calm down." I said standing completely still.
His eyes were glossing over and I knew he was overwhelmed. It hurt me to see this happen, even after he'd already worked through ignoring the commands he still had this almost subconscious reaction to large amounts of distress. I knew how hard it was to fight this but I didn't have the energy to fight him.
"Bucky, don't do this." I said flatly as he looked at me with tense eyes.
He said nothing but his eyes locked onto me much too tightly. I backed up and he only stepped forward just as slow as I had. His head was tilted low and his hand was in a fist.
"Bucky, wake up." I said firmly and he just rushed forward.
His hand came to my throat and lifted me off the ground. I was slammed into the wall behind us and I saw his face full with anger and he was shaking as he pressed me into the wall with all his strength. I tried to wiggle free, but I was pinned down and my cries were held in my throat. I looked into his eyes and I watched as his face twisted in pain for a moment and his eyes immediately softened.
His grip on my lessened and my feet hit the floor and I fell down to my knees. I fortunately wasn't lightheaded because he had only been out of it for a moment, but I still needed to catch my breath. I looked up at him and he was looking at me with the most heart broken look on his face.
"Bucky don't." I said cautiously because he was already beating himself on the inside. His very expression could have told me that.
"Val?" He asked me looking around the room confused.
"It's been a long day Bucky, just come here." I said reaching forward, but he just backed away.
"I didn't-" He said frantically. "I don't know what-"
"I know, just come here please." I said reaching out again.
He let me approach him and I wrapped my arms around him. He started to cry and I just held his head in my arms softly. My hands ran through his hair and I tried to soothe him as much as I could. I found myself crying much softer. I didn't want him to know I was crying so I kept it quiet.
This was something I never thought would happen. I mean just two weeks ago I was drinking at a cocktail party that was celebrating my accomplishment to join back the Avengers. Now half of us were gone and we didn't even know entirely who was left yet. Half of us were dead and the other half was left battered, bruised, and suffering. We hadn't really even had time to mourn yet, my mind couldn't even process losing the people that vanished right before my eyes.
I looked down at Bucky and thanked god I was holding him right now. I hated the situation we were in, I was thankful to be alive but if this was what being alive was going to be like, I didn't want it. If I could switch places with anyone of us I would have.
This was not a life I could get used to.