Burning.
My lips were burning as I pressed into his. Could he feel the trembling in my hand as I stroked his back? Did he notice my bottom lip was quivering?
This was so wrong. I shouldn't be doing this. I knew it. But it was impossible for me to resist. After all, the night had been so perfect as the city and starlight sprinkled across his dark office like glittering crystals. Never before had his office looked so romantic; it was as if nature itself wanted me to take action and give in. I was weak, and the full moon was my undoing. Cruel nature.
I deepened the kiss and dug my fingers into the back of his suit jacket as if to show him I had no intention of letting go.
Respond. Kiss me back. Love me back. For once in my life.
Instead, he tipped his head down, breaking the string of saliva trailing between our lips. No. No. It was starting. He would shut me down and I would suffocate if I held it in any longer. I couldn't go another twenty years without saying something. I couldn't be a coward this time.
"I love you, Gabriel," I whispered, my throat feeling swollen by those haunting words.
I tried focusing my blurry gaze, but it was no use. My body felt as if it was shutting down - I was losing my vision, hearing, and feeling. After years of suppression, my heart couldn't handle the release of tension.
I waited. Praying he would swoop me into his strong arms and ask for my hand in marriage. After all, we'd known each other for twenty years. Guiding me away by my shoulders, he met my gaze with a blank expression. He was neither smiling nor frowning. His eyes were replaced with two soulless glowing orbs reflecting moonlight. I wanted to remove his glasses. To see his eyes. To see his true response.
"Are you drunk?" Mr. Agreste asked, his hands tightening on my shoulders.
The glass was shattering - my glass mask. There was nothing more painful to reveal your truest feelings only to be shot down by one accusing question.
"I don't drink, sir. And I mean it. I really do. I've felt ..."
"Stop," he averted his gaze as if the sight of me disgusted him.
"If you'd just let me explain," I said, reaching for his arm. He dodged my grasp and moved to his desk.
"I'm very disappointed in you. There's nothing more I want to hear," he grumbled, as he logged into his computer. Blue light showered across his face, highlighting his every wrinkle. Time had not been kind to him.
"Why?" I said, lips quivering and ears buzzing.
"I'm a life lived. There's nothing for me to give. What's left of my love belongs to Emilie."
"Sir, it's been two years. Maybe it's time..." I couldn't finish.
He pounded his fist against his wood desk in a loud 'clank.' I flinched.
"And 'let her go'? Is that what you were going to say?"
I lowered my head and swallowed hard.
"There's a time to grieve, and a time to live again. Love again. Don't you think it's time..."
"The world has forgotten her. You are forgetting her. But she is my wife. She will always be my wife and I will not forget her," he said sternly.
My knees weakened.
"As you forget everyone else," I muttered.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
I frown at the memory every time - the day I confessed to Gabriel almost four years ago. Now, as I stared in the mirror at my maroon silk dress for tonight's galla, I couldn't help but allow a few tears to fall. Funny how time kept moving on, but I didn't ...I couldn't. I was still stuck in the same place.
I'd spent half a lifetime loving a man who wouldn't love me back. I knew it was impossible - yet I still hoped. It consumed me. I'd given up everything just to remain by his side. I wanted to be with him, to live our lives together. But I was invisible to him.
Then why couldn't I let him go? Why did I keep wasting my life chasing a hopeless fantasy? Galla after galla...year after year...I prayed it would change...but it didn't...and it doesn't...and I was just getting older.
My misery started in college when I entered the undergraduate research conference at the University of Strasbourg. I'd spent all my time pulling together research on Parallel Universes and Time Warps, one of my obsessions. My entire life's research was splattered across two large white-washed cardboard visuals that I secured under my arms as I rushed to the 'set up room.' The university was large, and I'd underestimated how long it would take to walk from the parking garage to the science building. I needed to hurry, otherwise, I'd miss my time slot and the judges would begin.
Meanwhile, the wind had other plans and sent my dress flying into the air revealing my gray panties. In a panic, I reached for my dress to hold it down, as I frantically glanced around to ensure no one had seen. Just then, another gust of wind sent the boards flying in the air, as many of the decorations rained down on the pavement and blew into the glass. My heart stopped as the boards headed straight towards a fountain.
"No!" I screamed.
As I raced toward my runaway project, I realized there was no way I'd make it in time. All that hard work would go down the drain. If only I'd been more careful.
Just before the boards plunged into the depths of the fountain, a man with sandy blonde hair, glasses, and a nerdy button-up shirt used his body as a human shield. The boards collided with his chest and he lost his balance and tumbled into the water. He held up his arm, keeping the boards dry, but that poor man was soaked.
I rushed up to him, offering my hand to help him. He rose on his own - his faded blue shirt was almost completely stained with grime, his glasses was lined with beads of water, and his watch was cracked. I assumed this man must be ten years older than me based on his clothing, thick glasses, and mature face. He must be a professor and thus required a formal thank you.
"Thank you so much, sir!" I said, offering him my kindest smile.
"Anything for a pretty lass, like yourself," he said, his eyes quickly running down my navy business dress. I felt my cheeks flush. Was it even appropriate for a professor to give that kind of compliment to a student?
I nervously ran my hand through my already slicked-back pony tale and shifted my weight to one hip.
"Are you a professor?" I asked, staring down at my heels.
He chuckled - a strangely pleasant sound.
"I know I'm old to still be in college. But do you really have to go hurting my feelings with your assumptions?" He said in jest.
"Sorry. I was just wondering."
"Not much of the playful type," he said, drawing a finger to his chin in observation. Perhaps he had expected me to make a witty remark - but that wasn't who I was.
"I don't have an ounce of humor in my body," I said dryly.
He smiled. A genuine, true smile.
"What's with these boards? I hope they were worth my clothes," he said, casting a glance at the content.
"It's my research for the conference today. Not worth much though. Here, I can compensate for your outfit," I said, reaching for the wallet stuffed in my suit pocket.
His warm hand met mine.
"You're a very honest person, I see. But I was only kidding. I don't want your money."
"Then what do you want? I can't just give you nothing after what you did. Would you like a coffee? Or maybe a gift card?"
"I'll take you. As compensation," he said, a mischievous grin spreading from cheek to cheek.
A certain disgust crawled across my skin. Any sort of admiration or interest died. So, he was just trying to find his next target and thought I'd be suitable. But why? Unless he was mocking me.
"I'm not that type of woman," I muttered, trying to hide the blush on my face.
"I know. And that's not what I meant."
I pushed my glasses up my nose and crossed my arms.
"My father just died. A month ago, actually," he said.
Well, that was random.
"I'm so sorry," I responded, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. I wasn't sure how this was relevant to our conversation unless he was just emotionally unstable.
"He left me with a large estate. And a company. Agreste Inc. actually. Perhaps you've heard of it?"
"No."
"Regardless, it's a lot to manage. I'm currently enrolled in a Master's program back in Paris and I need some assistance," he said.
My blank expression and silence caused him to continue.
"I'll just get to the point. I need a personal assistant and I'd like to hire you. Do you accept?" He said, holding out his hand for me to take.
Anything too good to be true most likely was. He must be some kind of con man.
"Why? You don't even know me?"
"One interaction and I know everything about you. Honest. Hard-working. Smart. Professional. Considerate. Foxy," he took a deep breath, "I think you're perfect. For the job, that is."
My stomach turned. Never in my life had I been lavished with so many compliments. Growing up, boys always ignored me. But this man. He was different. For the first time, it felt as if someone had seen me. Truly seen me. And he only knew me for ten minutes.
"I'm sorry, but no. I want to be a physicist, not a personal assistant," I said.
"Ambitious. Very attractive. But the more you resist, the stronger my resolve."
Why did his word choice seem so...flirty? Was it intentional or was he only referring to employment terms?
"Well, you'll have to learn to live with disappointment," I said, reaching for the boards in his hands, "I need that back. I'm going to be late."
He hid them beside his back and grinned.
"Only if you promise to think about it. It doesn't have to be your final profession. Just a college job. I'll pay you very well."
"Can I have my boards back, now?"
"Promise?" He said, brows raised.
"Fine."
He returned my project.
"I expect an answer by the end of the day."
"The end of the day? But that's..."
"It was a pleasure meeting you, Natalie. See you soon."
Wait, how did he know my name? I stared down at my chest. The name tag of course. But I didn't know his name. How would I find him? All I knew was that his last name was Agreste. Agreste strode away with a large man, who seemed to be some type of bodyguard.
That was the first time I met Gabriel. He was so different back then. I missed that man. The one who adored me. The one who saw me. The only one who saw me.
As it turned out, I was disqualified from the conference for being tardy that day. Little did I know that this was only the beginning of my sacrifices for love. Dreams for love. My life for love. Everything for love.
So, I accepted the personal assistant job. Every day, I was right beside Mr. Agreste. I even dropped out of the science program at college to be with him more. We were inseparable. He graduated with his Masters in Design & Fashion and became the official CEO of Agreste Inc. while I officially became his secretary.
Over the years, our interactions often left me confused. He was always a little flirty, complimenting me and telling me of his admiration. Yet our relationship never turned romantic. He never kissed me. Or tried to hold my hand. Or asked me on a date. Our relationship was professional with only the shadows of attraction. At times, I wondered if it was only in my imagination. Was I slowly going insane?
Everything changed the day he asked me to a piano show. I remember feeling so excited, thinking that maybe things were changing - maybe his feelings were changing. I wore a bright red dress that matched the red highlight in my hair. I even put contacts on and ditched my glasses.
As I strode down the marble staircase in his mansion, he gazed at me in wonder.
"You are a beautiful woman, Natalie," he said, drinking in my dress.
I blushed, "You really think so?"
"I'll be one proud man to have you on my arm tonight. Every man will envy me."
All I could do was smile.
"They might even kill me for you. So, go put your glasses back on."
For a moment I was confused. Was he being serious?
"Really?"
"Yes," he smirked, "I'd prefer it, anyway."
So, I obeyed. Now that I was the woman with a red dress, red glasses, and red-dyed bangs, I felt more like myself. Did Mr. Agreste know? Was he saying he liked me better as myself? My heart fluttered at the thought.
Mr. Agreste purchased the best seats in the auditorium. We had our own private room with personal dining, fancy chairs, and even a private bathroom. It was so perfect and romantic. Maybe this would be my chance to tell him. To finally confess my truest feelings.
The lights suddenly dimmed and a loud roar of clapping washed over the auditorium as a blonde woman with a yellow gown gracefully strode towards a grand black piano. She was elegant, classy, and beautiful. Like an angel. The angel with a yellow dress like the sun.
I noticed Mr. Agreste stiffen and lean in as he focused on the woman. His eyes were full of wonder and curiosity. Why? Why did he have that look? Was he just excited about the piano show?
Then the music began. The melody was profound - it was an unrequited cry for something. Discontentment. Longing. Bottled feelings. This song was me. I closed my eyes and drank in all the emotions. In a way, I felt as if the music was empowering me to finally say the things I'd always dreamed.
When I opened my eyes and glanced at my love, I was horrified. He was absolutely possessed by her. He stared as if she was the only woman in the entire world. As if I didn't exist. As if I was invisible.
"Gabriel..." I whispered.
He didn't respond.
"Gabriel?" I said a little louder.
"Yes?"
"I need to tell you something. Something I've been feeling for a long time."
His gaze remained transfixed on the woman. Just as I opened my mouth, a beautiful burst of notes flooded my ears. Gabriel seemed distracted, but I wasn't going to let this stop me.
"I love you. I always have. I think I always will. Wherever you go, I will follow. I am yours."
He wasn't listening. He didn't hear me. I was a coward and didn't speak loud enough. Just saying those words was draining and I didn't have the strength to repeat them. Even if he had heard, it wouldn't have changed anything.
"I'm sorry. What did you say?" He asked, still staring at the angel.
"I just wanted to say thank you. For inviting me. This music is really beautiful."
"Yes. She is."
Somehow they were making eye contact across the darkness of the room. She saw him. He saw her. It was like they were two stars trapped in each other's gravitational pull.
That was the night I lost him to the goddess of the sun.
They married only five months later.
I hated her. Emilie. The perfect angel was actually a demon in disguise. But only I saw her true form.
Like me, she was very ambitious. Her dream was the be an actress. She loved to sing and play the piano. The Agreste mansion was always filled with her songs. I'd never seen Mr. Agreste so happy - I loved seeing him like this, but I despised that I wasn't the one making him feel that way.
Life went on, and I suffered in silence until one night. I wished I hadn't heard it. Her private phone call with her sister. She thought she was all alone in the mansion. Gabriel was still at the office working late. Meanwhile, I'd forgotten my computer at the mansion and had to go back to retrieve it. Just as I walked past Mr. Agreste's bedroom, I heard a wailing sob.
"I don't want this. This isn't my dream. I won't. I can't," she cried. Her breath was heavy and panicked as if something terrible had occurred. I froze and pressed my ear against the wall, hoping to hear she was okay. Otherwise, I'd burst in and call an ambulance.
"What's wrong? You're scaring me," the female voice on the phone said.
"I'm pregnant."
I felt sick to my stomach and my head dizzied, as I leaned against the wall - if it weren't for the support, I'd collapse. I swallowed, fighting the urge to vomit.
"I don't want children! This is going to ruin my plans."
"Isn't that great news though?" The voice asked.
"It wasn't supposed to happen like this! I don't love Gabriel. I still love Adrien."
Silence.
"Gabriel is rich and I thought if I married him, maybe my dreams would be more achievable. But it still isn't happening. No one is casting me. Now that I have this stupid baby, my body will be ruined. It's over for me. And I'm stuck with this husband I hate and a baby I don't want to have, while the true love of my life is dead. I wish I could just redo everything. It was a mistake. All is a terrible mistake."
Tears streamed. How could she say that? She married for money and influence? She didn't love him? She stole my dream and she didn't even want it?
That was it. I couldn't take any more. I quickly rushed down the hall but it was too late.
The demon emerged from her room and saw me.
"Were you spying on me?" She accused, pointing her shaking finger at me. She looked like a ghost in the moonlight, as her white nighttime dress and blonde hair glowed.
"Not intentionally," I said, trying to hold my composure.
She rushed up to me, pinned me against the wall, and grabbed me by the throat. Slowly she closed her hand, choking me as I gasped for air. I could easily remove her, but I didn't want to harm her child in any way. Even if I hurt her, Mr. Agreste may never forgive me. My eyes dropped to her chest, as I stared at a silver necklace beaded with crystals. She wore it every day. For years I could never tell what the warped string of silver was - but right now as I suffocated, it looked like some type of snake.
"Will you tell him?" She hissed, her spit sprinkling my face.
I shook my head as to indicate a 'no.'
She eased her grasp and sighed deeply.
"Why?" She whispered through gritted teeth.
"He loves you," I inhaled sharply, "His child is in you. I won't break your family. You better not either."
Now she was the breathless one.
"This was the life you chose. If you don't love him now, you better learn," I said tightening my grip on her wrist.
"I was born to be an actress, not a pathetic housewife with a helpless baby," she ripped her hand away.
I slapped her across her cheek, the sound of skin-on-skin echoing down the hall. She stared at me in disbelief.
"I was born to be a scientist who would revolutionize physics as we know it. But this is the life I chose, and I accept it," I said.
She wailed and fell to her knees as tears flowed down her smooth skin.
"Then I'd be lying to myself. Only pretending. That's not fair to anyone," she cried.
"Everything you did was unfair. Using Gabriel just to gain wealth. Whatever you decide to do going forward, all I ask is that you be honorable. Do what's right. For once."
I didn't sleep that night, wondering how she would interpret my words. In the moment, I wanted to tell Mr. Agreste everything. I wanted him to be devastated so he'd run back to me. But it wasn't my place to tell him. So, I bit my tongue, half-hoping she'd leave him, while the good side of me hoped she become a stronger woman who wouldn't run from responsibility.
Nine months later, a baby boy was born. His name was Felix. Felix Agreste. Well, he actually had seven names, but Mr. Agreste thought Felix was the most suitable. On the other hand, Emilie hated it and had her own private name for the baby - I could never quite make out what it was though.
Emilie was a terrible mother. Even though she was trying to live the life she chose, she was sad. She would often complain about everything she could have been if it weren't for the baby and her good old glory days. Even Mr. Agreste noticed her discomfort and got her counseling sessions. He lavished her with all the opportunities she wanted, but it still wasn't enough.
One time - while Mr. Agreste was away on a business trip - I visited the mansion to check on Emilie. She'd been alone for three days and I was growing worried. Her therapist called and said she had missed her noontime appointment.
I found her at the piano, her finger frozen on the keys as tears streamed down her eyes. The living room was trashed - every inch covered with musical sheets, movie scripts, and cigarettes. I never knew she smoked.
"I'm losing my inspiration," she cried, "Natalie, I'm losing it. It's leaving me. I'm becoming nothing."
Just as I opened my mouth to respond, I heard Baby Felix crying from his room down the hall.
"Felix is crying," I said, gesturing with my hand.
"Let him," she muttered, sending me a glare.
"How long has he been like that?" I asked, noticing the crying was slowly growing fainter.
"Since the maids left," she said, pressing a high key on the piano.
"When was that?"
"A day or so ago," she shrugged.
My heart throbbed as my fingers involuntarily curled into fists.
"You're telling me you left him alone for twenty-four hours without feeding him or changing his diaper?"
"Yeah, so? He's chubby anyway. He could lose some weight. He'll survive," she said, reaching for a cigarette on the piano and lighting it. She puffed out the smoke and sighed.
Insane. This woman was insane.
"You don't just leave your child to rot in his crib!" I yelled.
I rushed to find Baby Felix turned over on his stomach, his head face down in a pillow. From the looks of it, he had rolled over and was unable to breathe. I quickly pulled him from the crib to find blood dripping from his nose. A nose bleed. On top of that, he smelled terrible and was starving.
As I cleaned him up, I decided I would expose Emilie for the demon she was. She couldn't be left alone with her own child. I would tell Mr. Agreste everything and deeply apologize for not telling him sooner.
After Felix was cleaned, I grabbed a bottle containing formula milk and sat down in a white rocking chair. Mr. Agreste had gotten the chair for Emilie and the maids to rock Felix to sleep. She never used it. So far, the only ones who had rocked Felix were me, the maids, and even Mr. Agreste.
Baby Felix grabbed the bottle and sucked as if his life depended on it. He was so dehydrated. I wished I could feed him real milk, but Emilie refused to breastfeed or even use a pump. So, formula it was.
Baby Felix cooed and clasped onto my shirt as if I was his mother; I stroked his back as he drank. He needed to be held. All babies did. Little did I know, that I would be Felix's fill-in mother. That I would spend years feeding him as he lay on my stomach. And he would never remember. He thought I was her.
"You are very loved, Felix," I would say, caressing his baby fuzz hair. He would stare at me with a grin, his wide blue eyes beaming. Just like his mother's. Again, I fought the urge to vomit.
When I told Mr. Agreste what happened, he was irate but decided to get Emilie more serious help. He tried to arrange movies and plays for her, but she was still dissatisfied. At this point, she had four different therapists she went to, all for various issues. I wasn't sure what she wanted in life, and at this point, I was sure she didn't know either.
Years passed and Felix grew stronger. Emilie seemed to interact better with him now that he was older. She even taught him how to play the piano. He adored his mother. She was perfect in his eyes, just like how Mr. Agreste perceived her. As Agreste Inc. expanded its brand, Gabriel was rarely around. Even at a young age, Felix never had much of a relationship with his father. For that, I was sorry.
Around eight years of age, Felix was diagnosed with dyslexia and his lisp caused him to be a target for bullying. It was severe and Mr. Agreste decided to pull him from school and homeschool him. I was one of his teachers. His life was a lonely one. He had no friends and was afraid to talk to people outside of his family. It didn't help that Mr. Agreste often referred to Felix's lisp and dyslexia as 'problems' and things that were 'wrong' with him. I couldn't even imagine how that impacted Felix's self-esteem as a little boy.
Besides helping Felix through his learning disability and speech therapy, life was decent. For once, Emilie seemed happy, as if she was finally excepting and enjoying her life.
✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧
"Mother won't wake up!" Thirteen-year-old Felix yelled as he rushed into the mansion's kitchen. I was in the process of making him some lunch, while also listening to a virtual work meeting on my phone.
My gut sunk. No.
He rushed me to the bedroom where she laid on the ground, blood sprinkled across a yellow dress - the same dress she'd worn many years ago when Mr. Agreste first saw her.
I felt for a pulse, a heartbeat - but she was dead. She'd been dead for a least an hour before Felix found her. Her body was already cold.
"What happened?" Felix asked, his skin growing excessively pale.
I didn't want to tell him, but by the expression on his face, he already knew.
I stared at her limp body. It seemed as if she had to spit up blood. It dripped down her mouth, like foam. The veins in her neck were bright purple, winding and twisting like warped rose stems. What had happened?
"Go call..."
Before I could finish, Felix was already rushing out the door. He knew what to do. He had always been a smart socially awkward kid.
Emotionally, I felt numb. I wasn't ready for this - for how her death would destroy this family - destroy a father and son - and destroy me. For years. And potentially for a lifetime.
I examined her, trying to determine the cause of death. That was when I noticed something in the palm of her hand. A cigarette? No. It was a black ring filled with navy stone. It looked as if she was holding onto it for dear life. What was this? Something Mr. Agreste had gotten her?
When I reached for the ring, I felt paralyzed. Fear radiated down my spine. I never believed in ghosts until that day. It was strange - I felt another presence. One thing was clear: I wasn't alone. Then I heard a voice. So robotic. So inhumane.
She was unworthy, it said.