This is where this ends.
"No, not now I don't. Not anymore. I can't trust you. I don't trust you." I started up my stairs and he spun me back to him his body pressed against mine.
"Why?" His voice sounded like the oddest mixture of a plea and a demand. I looked at the ground and then found the strength to look into his eyes and not kiss him.
"Because why the fuck would someone like you want to be with me?"
"Because..." He paused. Shook his head. Looked at me. He bought his lips to mine with the gentlest pressure.
"If you don't feel what I feel, a kiss isn't going to fix this."
"I..." he paused again, causing me agony, "I've never met anyone like you before Cara." Was that all he could say? A whole month spent only with each other and this was all he could say?
I wiped my tears away as he tried to do the same. I held his hands and took them off of my face. His hands which had bought so much electric uncertainty and now they felt like such heavy weights in my palms.
"I know." I let go off his hands.
He opened his mouth to say something and I nodded, I understood, I understood that he didn't love me. That made perfect sense, why would he?
"I know. Don't worry, I know." Was all I could manage.
"Cara don't go. Come on let's go for a walk - we, we, we can get a coffee some fresh air let's talk about this." I shook my head. He tried to catch my hand.
"Please."
His eyes looked like such wonderfully and exquisitely hopeless little pools of shadow.
My mouth curled into the smallest smile I could muster as my last tear fell.
"See you around. Timothée."
Once I got into my apartment no more tears came.
I turned on the shower and stepped into the scorching water and let it wash it all away.
"Cara? How come you're still here?" Lucie called from outside the bathroom.
"I'm tired."
"Okay, well, don't forget we're going out tonight so maybe have a nap and then we'll get going?"
She called.
I could hear her running around the apartment jiggling her keys and chucking stuff in her bag.
"I'm out now. Ooh! I'm borrowing your lipstick, okay, I gotta go. Love you! Bye!"
And then, the apartment became silent.
Once more with the sounds of the door closing.
I wrapped myself in a warm towel and put a face mask on whilst I lit a cigarette.
I saw a notification pop up. It was a text from Lucie.
I just saw Timothée in our building. He looks a wreck. Are you okay? Call me whenever you need. Luh u always xx
I replied:
I'm fine. Don't worry about me. We'll have fun tonight. X
I flopped onto the sofa and felt the sudden urge to download Instagram.
An overwhelming amount of numbness had succumbed my emotions and I loved it.
I felt nothing. I didn't feel broken, I didn't feel destroyed. I was just numb.
That's when I got a text from Timothée:
Please, please, don't do this Cara.
I smirked bitterly.
I was doing this? Are you kidding me?
I thought - you did this Timothée. I love you, what more do you want from me?