"What the fuck, Tommy!? She's fucking pregnant!" Nikki yelled as he slammed the door shut behind him.
My mind was racing. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. I was pacing around, running my fingers through my hair and tugging at it. Vanessa was my world, why the fuck would I do that!? I needed her to know I was sorry.
I started walking over to the door and grabbed my leather jacket from one of the coat hooks. "I-I need to go after her. I-I need to-"
Nikki put his hands on my shoulders and pushed me back, towards the sofa. "You're not going anywhere near her so you better sit your punk ass down, now!" He ordered.
I sat down on the sofa like a naughty school kid and Nikki walked into the kitchen and came back with a couple of beers for the two of us. I tossed that fucker back like it was water before Nikki even had chance to sit down in the chair opposite me. I was in complete shock and I was shaking.
"You've got some serious fucking explaining to do, dude" he said.
I knew he was pissed off at me. I was disgusted with myself. My mom and dad taught me so much better than that, I had no idea where it came from. I admit, shit had really been getting to me lately. All the nagging, the baby, the house, the tour that was just around the corner... Everything was changing at a pace that I couldn't quite keep up with, but that was no excuse for what I'd done.
I heard the door knock and I swear to God, I almost shit myself. I was completely convinced the cops were here and they were gonna lock me up, I deserved it after all.
Nikki walked over to the door and hesitated before he finally opened it. I let out the biggest sigh of relief when I saw Mick standing there.
"The hell is going on!? Vanessa almost ran me over with that god damn car" he said as he pushed past Nikki and walked in.
Nikki glanced over at me and arched his eyebrow before looking back at Mick. I knew I was gonna have to find my balls that had shrivelled up inside me, and tell him what had happened. It was only a matter of time before he found out considering he was practically Vanessa's family now that he was banging Michelle. She didn't wanna believe it because Mick was her buddy but we all knew what was going on.
I let out a sigh as I covered my face with my hands. I could feel my mouth dry up and my chest tighten. "I hit her" I muttered as I moved my hands towards my mouth and started biting at the skin around my nails.
The room went deadly silent. I looked up at Mick and with the glare he was giving me, I wish it was the cops that were at the door.
"You did what?" He asked. Mick was a cool guy, we'd had our differences but I'd never heard him talk in a tone like this. It was so aggressive but yet completely calm.
I didn't wanna go over this every single fucking time. It hurt me knowing I'd done something so disgusting and I felt embarrassed and ashamed. "I hit her, Mick! She slapped my hand out of the way and I don't know, I guess it was just an instant reaction but I slapped her across her face!" I said as I raised my voice at him.
"Tommy, I'm gonna give you a word of advice..." he growled.
I let out a deeper sigh and rolled my eyes. "Yeah? what's that?" I asked as I looked around for my cigarettes and a lighter.
"Run" he said as he rolled up his sleeves and charged at me. I'd never seen him move so fast.
I jumped up and I was about to run towards the door but Mick tackled me to the floor. We landed with a thud and as I let out a groan, Mick lifted me up by my shirt and socked me right in the jaw.
I fell back and I could feel my face instantly swell. I felt myself get lifted up yet again but this time, with both hands.
"You think it's alright to put your hands on a girl!? Huh!?" Mick yelled as he balled his fist up and punched me again.
This time I actually felt my eyebrow split. He carried on yelling and punching me alternating his fists, but I wasn't going to fight back, I deserved it. Eventually Nikki finally pulled him off me.
"C'mon Mick! That's enough!" He yelled.
"Enough! That piece of shit put his hands on Vanessa!"
I felt a black leather boot kick me in my ribs and I instantly let out a groan as I held my side and rolled over. I started coughing and spat out some blood from where I'd bitten my tongue. I knew Nikki was trying to calm Mick down, I could see him pushing him out the door, but all I could hear was white noise but then everything went blurry... and then black.
***
I felt some ice cold water pour over me. I opened my eyes and shot up as I let out a gasp. I saw Nikki put his hands on his knees and sigh in relief.
"Dude... I thought you were gone for a minute" he said as he sat down on the floor next to me and placed the glass on the coffee table.
"Where's Vanessa?" I asked. My first thought was her. I need to know she's okay.
"I have no idea but I'm gonna guess she's at Vince and Sharise's place..." he started.
"What's going on T-Bone? You haven't been yourself lately" he asked.
Really Nikki? You really wanna do this now?
I groaned and rubbed my eyelid. "I don't know..." I sighed.
"Bullshit! You're sniffing blow and drinking from morning until night, you're blowing your money at strip clubs, and you're lashing out at everyone... that's not you! You're the one always making sure everybody's having a good time, you know?" He said.
I'd officially reached boiling point. As a man, I thought I had to keep a stiff upper lip at all times but the reality was, I was still a boy who had come into way to much, way to soon and had no fucking idea what to do or how to handle it. In the space of a few weeks I went from being Tommy Lee Bass the high school drummer from Covina that played in club bands for shits and gigs, to Tommy Lee the rockstar, the dad, the husband-to-be and the homeowner. I still read fucking comics and ate cereal on Saturday morning while I watched Looney Tunes in my underpants. I didn't know the first thing about changing a diaper, I couldn't even wipe my own ass or nose properly so how the fuck was I meant to do it for another human being.
As I lay on the floor, staring up at the ceiling, I could feel my eyes burning and I finally let everything go.
"I'm in a bad place, dude" I confessed as my voice broke.
I could tell Nikki was doing his signature eye roll. "Well no shit" he sighed.
I could feel myself get lifted up again, but instead of getting a fist to the face... Nikki was hugging me. "You gotta get your shit together, man" he said.
I clung onto Nikki like a kid clings to a teddy and I started sobbing. "I know but I don't know how... I'm already a shit boyfriend, but what if I turn out to be a shit dad too? I don't have a fucking clue what I'm doing. I don't know the first thing about umbilical cords and bottles and all that shit" I sniffled.
"I don't think any of us do, man. It's just trial and error. Vince is shitting himself too but the thing is, we're one, big, fucked up family you know. Your babies don't have one dad, they have 4" he smirked.
"Fuck you, Sixx" I smiled as I dried my eyes and punched him in his arm.
"No but seriously, you're my brother. I'm gonna be here to tell you when you screw up but then I'm gonna help you get back on your feet straight after, because that's what family do" he said as he held his fist out.
I sat up and rested my back against the couch, and pressed my knuckles up against Nikki's. "So how the fuck do I fix things with Vanessa? She's never gonna forgive me...neither's Mick" I said.
He sighed and shook his head. "What you did was fucked up and I'm pissed off at you for it but I can tell you're already beating yourself up enough already... Mick's Mick, actions speak louder with words... maybe start off with a bottle of vodka or something. But Vanessa, that's a whole different ball game, maybe give her some time and space for now" he shrugged.
I knew it was the right thing to do but I didn't want to give her time and space. I wanted her back home, here, with me.
***
I was drowning my sorrows in EGO, it was a new bar that had opened and I was in there with Mick and Nikki. He was still pissed off with me but I'd drunk so much in such a short space of time that I couldn't process it.
My body hurt from all the punches, but my heart ached even more. I was slumped over the bar, surrounded by empty bottles. I was drinking them so quick, they couldn't be thrown into the trash quick enough.
I'd been trying to sneak off to use the phone all night but Mick and Nikki kept dragging me back over to my stool at the bar. At one point, Nikki actually had to sit on me to keep me pinned down. I was a complete mess. I loved Vanessa so much and I wanted her to know that.
Mick had gone to the rest room and Nikki got caught up talking to some chick at the bar. I was fucked up but I managed to slide off the stool and stumble outside without being detected. I looked left and right to find the pay phone and my eyes widened as I finally noticed one across the street. I ran over and rummaged through my pockets trying to find some quarters. I picked up the phone and pressed it in between my ear and my shoulder as I put them in the little slot. I thought about who I was going to call first but I knew Vanessa, she would have went to Sharise's.
I started punching in the numbers for Vince's place but I stopped when I heard someone yell my name from across the street. I looked up and saw Nikki charging at me like some kinda steam train. All I could think was "oh shit". He tackled me to the floor and I dropped the phone.
"What the fuck are you doing!?" He yelled.
"I just need to know she's safe!" I yelled back as we started tussling around on the floor.
"Alright I'll make you a deal..." he panted as he stood up and helped me find my feet. "You let me call Vanessa and I'll see if she's okay" he said.
I huffed and dropped my shoulders. I knew it was the only way I was gonna find out how she was. "Fine" I grunted.
Nikki rolled his eyes and grabbed the phone. He started pressing the buttons of Vince's house phone and I pressed my ear against the other side of the phone as the dialling tone played.
"Hello?"
I heard Vince say. You couldn't mistake his nasal voice.
"Sup dude, it's Nikki... look, is Vanessa there?" He sighed. My heart started racing and I pressed my ear closer.
"Yeah she's here..." he sighed.
My heart fluttered. I knew I needed to give her space, but knowing where she was, it was like putting a line of coke in front of Nikki and telling him not to sniff it. I pulled away and stumbled as I took off running to signal for a cab.
"Tommy! Where are you going!?" Nikki yelled.
I looked back at him, frowning at me. "To get my fucking lady back!" I slurred.
I could hear him saying something but I was more focused on holding my arm out properly. Nobody was taking notice of me so I started hollering abuse at some of the drivers that were looking at me in disgust.
"Tommy! Get your ass back inside" Nikki groaned as he grabbed me by the back of my jacket and dragged me back inside.
He threw me into a booth and told the waitress to grab me some water.
"Vince is gonna be here soon, alright!? He might bring Vanessa so sober yourself up" he said. I could tell he was getting annoyed with me but I didn't care. What he said filled me with hope. I started downing water and eating peanuts as I tried to soak up the alcohol.
I started watching the doors open and looked at anyone that walked through them. After about half hour I saw tanned skin, a tank top and peroxide blonde hair... yep, that was Vince.
He looked around the bar but his eyes finally stopped on our table. I could see his jaw clench as he slowly started walking over, staring me out. I was too busy looking behind him to see if Vanessa was there... but she wasn't.
I stood up and looked down at him as he stood in front of the table. "Where is she?" I asked.
"Away from you and that's all that matters" Vince said in his usual cocky tone.
I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Is she okay?" I asked as I started to get aggravated.
"Are you fucking serious, Tommy!? No, she's not okay but she will be so long as she stays away from you!" He yelled as he started to puff out his chest.
His tone and his words were like a red rag to a bull.
"Oh yeah, that's right, I'm sorry I forgot you were Saint fucking Vince... don't talk shit about me and my relationship when you were getting your dick sucked by some other chick down at the Veil the other night" I yelled back at him as I started getting in his face.
"DONT fucking go there Tommy, I swear to god" I could see him turning bright red and Nikki and Mick stood up.
"Or what? I tell you what, why don't we call Sharise and tell her to get herself checked out. You don't want all those diseases you picked up and gave her to affect your unborn kid" I spat. I knew it was a low blow but I was still completely fucked and I was angry. I wanted the whole world to feel as angry and hurt as I was.
Vince picked up an empty glass bottle and threw it straight at me. I saw it coming a mile off and ducked so it smashed against the wall behind me. We broke out into a brawl with Mick and Nikki trying to break us up. Two of the bouncers came running over with a couple of strangers as they tried to break it up.
I ended up getting tossed into the gutters by security. I got onto my knees and stood up. I thought about going over to Vince's but after what happened, I knew it was a bad idea. I started walking down the strip and stumbled back home.
I put my key in the door and turned it. I was expecting to see Vanessa lying on the couch with a huge smile on her face, eating a big bowl of salted popcorn that she started to balance on her bump, but instead I was greeted with darkness and complete silence.
I closed the door behind me and locked it. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts to finally let everything I'd done sink in. I locked the door and walked over to the fridge to get a beer. I balanced myself against the counter and started sipping from the ice cold bottle. I looked over my shoulder and noticed a bunch of baby books and the babies teddy bear.
I reached my arm out and pressed it's pore. I could hear my babies heartbeat and the pain that shot through my chest, all the way through to my gut, was unbearable. I grabbed my beer, the bear and I headed to our bedroom. I got into bed on Vanessa's side so I could smell her perfume, and started pressing the teddy's hand over and over again.
I started to break down as Vanessa's scent engulfed me and I held the bear close to my chest, playing it over and over again until I finally fell asleep.