Bianca's POV
I knew it. I knew I had fucked up. Big time.
But somehow, Harry made it easier.
What he made easier was for me to forgive myself. I very well knew that I wasn't the one who was supposed to forgive me, that was all up to Philippe. And also... Harry. Once again, I had let my actions get ahead of myself before my mind had a chance to catch up, and Harry was yet again the person who was caught in the crossfire. Out of all the people, he was the one I never wanted to do that to. Especially since I never expected him to give me that forgiveness, not after how things went down the last time. He deserved better than that, he deserved better than me, he deserved the world and the loving adoration from the sun.
So, when his steady, soothing, jade eyes set deeply into mine with the words "it's okay" I wanted to explode in my spot from relief and guilt, the words breaking me and putting me back together all at the same time. And with his instant step to hug me, to then hold my hand, grab my arms, embrace me to sleep, and lend a shoulder- I was starting to feel like he was physically trying to do just that. I didn't lean on his comfort and support out of pity for myself, hoping he would pity me so that he wouldn't hate me. Truthfully- I expected him to do it, and I would've let him. Instead, I leaned on his comfort and support because through his eyes I didn't see myself be all of that I had promised myself never to be. Through his eyes, his lighthouses, he actually managed to reflect light back into the darkness that had consumed my mind. And with him not hating me, it was hard for me to hate myself.
Still, it didn't change the fact that I had gone against everything I believed in. I had done the thing I hated the most. More specifically, I had done the thing that hurted the most to someone else. As long as we were in Italy, it was easier to allow myself not to think about it as much. But as soon as the captain's voice woke me up, announcing that we were landing in just twenty minutes, reality started creeping in.
Spinning the ring on my pinky, I was waiting for the luggage by the baggage claim together with all of the others. Or well, almost all of the others. Harry had mysteriously left us for a bit. By the time we had gathered all of our bags- including his, he had returned. Together all of us walked to the already booked cars to take everybody home. Just like last time, Mitch, Sarah, Adam and Clare shared a ride while me, Grimmy and Harry shared the other.
Long and tight hugs were exchanged, although this time neither of us were going anywhere. For the first time in what felt like forever, time zones and distance would no longer stand in the way of us hanging out. And despite the fact that we had spent around 20 days, 24/7, I had not grown tired of this bunch of lovely people. So when we split up into two different cars, I knew I didn't have to miss them too long before our next meet up.
As always, Grimmy was chatting away to which Harry worked double so that I wouldn't need to bother thinking about actively joining in. Instead, my thought was stuck on the people walking the streets of London while our ride seemed to be swushing by faster than I would've wanted. I dreaded the moment the door of my flat would close behind me, leaving me alone with the shame and remorse, forcing me to actually face it. The only thing that didn't make my leg jump up and down from the nerves running at high speed was the soothing and easing finger that with the smallest and most discreet movement reassured me with his hand pushed tightly between our legs by the way all three of us had squeezed in the backseat.
Going our normal route, Grimmy was the first one to be dropped off. The separation wouldn't be long, in fact it would be less than 24 hours. But we still made sure to shower each other with love as he left with a big wet kiss on my cheek before closing the car door behind him.
Harry remained seated next to me as the car drove off to the next stop, my house. From spending a few weeks glued to his hip- both figurative and literally, I knew it wouldn't last long for our own departure. But for now, I was still glued to his hip- this time literally.
We shared the last bit of our joined car ride in silence, only his hand still gently brushing the side of my leg in an unspoken comfort and reassurance. Somehow, he still managed to express all that I needed at this moment.
The car drove up on my street, parking outside of my house door. I reached for the car handle, but before I got a chance to open it the hand that had rested with soft strokes on the side of my leg moved to fall with a gentle hold on the top of my thigh, making me stop in my movement.
"Let me grab your bags for you." He insisted more so than offered, and there was not a single part of me that considered declining it. So, I simply nodded gratefully and happily.
Now opening up the car door, I heard Harry speak to the chauffeur, "I'll be back."
This was all so familiar. The feeling of reliving a scene from the past was freakishly prominent, and there was no way to ignore it. Only this time wouldn't be his first time seeing my flat, but it would still be a first- his first time seeing it since... Everything.
Harry was quick to grab the heavy suitcase and hand luggage and I was quick to walk and hold the door open for him, and as soon as he passed it he waited for me to take the lead up the stairs, although I knew that he very well knew which flat that was mine. After a couple of stairs we reached my door and I fished up my keys from my handbag, setting it and turning it in the lock as Harry waited patiently while still holding the heavy bags in his grip. I looked up at him from underneath my eyelashes as I opened the door, forming my lips to say the words "thank you." before I forgot to, since I knew the dreaded moment of the door closing behind me, leaving me alone to face what I've pushed aside. But when I opened the door, I was not prepared to face it... Literally.
"Surprise!" Philippe stood up from the sofa in the living room, opening up his arms with the cheer.
My heart stopped. My feet stopped. The simple function of breathing stopped. For a second, I swear even time stopped. And from behind me, everything was equally as still.
It was first when Philippe started to walk to us that I was brought back to my senses.
"What are you doing here?" I chuckled out low, but feeling the air get stuck in my throat.
I had a strong urge to look back at Harry. If I wanted his reassuring smile at this sudden ambush, or if I wanted to see if he was just as panicked as me- I didn't know. What I did know that I wanted was to see that he was still there after still not hearing as much as a breath from behind me.
Philippe's brows drew together over his puppy eyes with a half smile.
"Surprising you?" He stated out the obvious, laughing as he did.
"Mhm, I can see that." I said just as he reached me with his open arms. What I was not prepared for was how they not only wrapped around me, but also grabbed me in a hug- lifting my feet off the ground with a loving spin.
Now, I didn't have to look back at Harry. He was right in front of me, leaning on the door. It wasn't a reassuring smile that I got, and it wasn't panic. What I saw was blue. His eyes still looked back at me softly and deeply in their beautiful emerald colour, but the rest of him was blue. Still, a broken smile attempted to push through it.
My fixed eyes were torn away from him as Philippe looked up and placed a kiss on my lips. I should've expected it, but it caught me off guard. It was quick enough for me not having to really reciprocate it. But now, I couldn't bring myself to look back up. Still I could peek Harry's tilted head down to the floor.
"Alright, I've done enough flying for today." I tapped on Philippe's shoulder with an awkward giggle, and surely he put me down and giggling more wholeheartedly.
"Sorry, mate." Philippe turned to Harry now, still scooping me into his side with a firm but tenderly arm around my waist. With Philippe's little accent, it was almost always a bit funny to hear him use the term 'mate'. Almost always- now it wasn't funny at all. This situation was nothing but awkward, and what made it more awkward was that two out of three knew about it.
Philippe reached his hand forward to shake Harry's hand. Thanks to Philippe's other hand still holding me tightly next to him, I wasn't able to twist in my spot. Instead, my cheek took the beating with how hard I was chewing the inside of it. Nervously, I glanced up from Philippe's held out hand to their faces. Harry glanced back at me from the side, looking at me intently without giving away anything. Somehow, that look made me even more nervous. His eyes moved away from mine after a quick second before glueing on his big smile that everyone fell in love with.
"No worries." He pushed out sweetly as he grabbed Philippe's hand back, "bad timing." Harry continued kindly with a playful chuckle.
"No, it's nice to finally meet you properly." Philippe already seemed relaxed around Harry, talking to him like he was a friend, but I guess I wasn't prepared for how friendly he was going to be,
"Do you want to stay for a bit?"
My eyes darted as fast as possible to Philippe, but even faster to Harry. Impressively, he kept a poker face. After his performance to Grimmy in Italy and all of the interviews I've had with him now, I shouldn't be surprised by his talent of keeping a mask.
"No, I should leave you guys." Harry shook his head politely, but I couldn't help but notice how his finger brushed under the tip of his nose as he said it.
Philippe took his kind decline, and reached for the heavy suitcase and hand luggage right next to Harry. He took an awkward small step to the side away from the bags. Philippe laughed a little before standing tall again with them in his hand, resting the other on the top of Harry's shoulder.
"Hope to see you soon then." He squeezed his shoulder as Harry pushed his lips into a lined smile and nodding. As Philippe walked away with the bags to my bedroom he shouted, "don't forget that drink, Harry!"
But Harry and I were too busy staring back at each other to answer. For the entirety of their small interaction, I had stood frozen in my spot. Watching as my heart nearly raced out of my chest. Now I just seemed frozen in my spot from not having a clue what to do or say. My mind was conflicted about what was worse- having Harry stay, or having Harry leave me with Philippe.
Finally, after what felt like lifetimes that probably only was a second or two, I took the few steps to walk up to Harry, locking my arms around his neck for a tight and warm hug. Softly, his hands embraced around me. He didn't say anything, but once again- his hand just stroked my back soothingly just like he had done in the car.
Separating from the hug, Harry looked down at me. As if he had held his breath, he released it heavily with a short exhale. My eyes searched his one last time before he squeezed my arms and looked away.
Then, just like that, he walked out of my flat. Leaving me staring at the closed yellow door. And when he left, I felt like so many things were left unsaid, the words still left on the tip of his tongue. Words that perhaps could've been shared if the moment hadn't gotten stolen. Nonetheless, that moment was gone. Left was I in a moment that had already decided for me how to handle it, which forcefully had been not handling it at all, stealing yet another opportunity of confessing.
Philippe had already prepared a late lunch, guessing that I would probably be hungrig after a whole day of travelling by car, train, flight and then car again. For the majority of the lunch he was the one talking. The conversation consisted of him asking a question about the trip and me answering shortly and blaming it on being tired. That then continued on until the lunch was eaten and I excused myself to go and unpack my bag. When in reality, I needed air, a second to breathe.
Philippe respected that and took up his laptop to work on editing one of his recent shoots, while I walked to my bedroom. My closet was outside, next to the hallway and bathroom, but I decided to just put all of my stuff on my bed just to have a reason to close the door behind me.
With the silence of myself as my only company, I took a shaky breath. I knew it wasn't the moment to cry, but I really wanted to. The only thing was that you never really could cry whenever you needed or wanted to.
Shaking my hands, hoping to somehow shake off this overwhelming and suffocating feeling, I pulled myself together and walked up to my suitcase and hand luggage. I opened up the suitcase to then open up the bag, and at the top of it laid an envelope.
For you and Grimmy.
Keep on dancing Bee
-H
It read on the front, and I couldn't stop smiling. However, those words were all I needed to read for me to feel my eyes well up. Especially with the new meaning, or more so added meaning they had got since meeting Harry. Opening up the envelope, I pulled out two tickets from Heathrow to LAX at the end of September, being gone for a week. As I took it in, reading it over and over a couple of times, I felt like I could breathe again.
Our return to England and London meant that Grimmy had now officially left The Breakfast Show. Not only was it our first day back from our vacation, but also Grimmy's first day at the afternoon show, and my first official day with Greg at The Breakfast Show. I knew Greg and Grimmy probably were the most nervous, still I couldn't deny how I nervously tilted around on my heels while watching the levels go up in the lift.
But as I walked into the safe place that was the corridors of the BBC Radio 1 office, a natural boost of confidence returned. However, I still couldn't deny that little lump in my stomach when I noticed how the silence was even louder without Grimmy's usual morning cheer that was the only thing bringing up the energy this early in the morning at the office.
I decided not to think about it too much and instead look forward to this new journey and challenge. If it was one thing that I always was up for with work, it was a challenge- Grimmy had made sure of that. And as I walked through the doors to the studio, Greg already sat on his seat working, as I had expected on his first workday.
"Hi Bianca!" He shined up.
That was all I needed to get back into my mindset of doing a good job, leaving all the private issues and missing Grimmy outside of the studio as the door closed behind me.
Greg and I were a good team, and his first show had gone great. We had already had a good amount of practice working together the last few months with me jumping in between him and Grimmy as a preparation to be the best assistant I could be for his debut at The Breakfast Show.
When the show was over, Greg leaned over his desk as I cut off the program for him, raising his hand to me for a high five. In a giggle I scooted closer and hit his hand with an amused and proud giggle. Honestly, the show turned out better than I had imagined. Once again, I reminded myself that the nerves beforehand most often were unnecessary and a big energy thief.
Around lunch Grimmy walked into the office, making his presence known with a big and happy cheer that evidently wasn't restricted to mornings as he stood in front of the open landscape of desks. Thankfully, we had still managed to keep our desks next to each other.
I stayed for as long as I could, boosting him with confidence and hyping him up. But unfortunately I couldn't stay since I had already got an angry, but harmful, text from Max reminding me to hurry as she waited- not so patiently. Then again, it was not in her nature to be patient.
When I walked up to the pub, I could already from a distance see two of my favourite people chatting away with a pint each in their hands, seemingly enjoying each other's company. I knew they had met before, but they had never really conversed- and definitely not alone. I don't know why, but in my head I had painted myself a picture of them two being a weird match, but from what I was seeing now, I had apparently been wrong.
With the added company, Max now didn't seem stressed anymore. And as I closed in on their table by the outdoor seating, making both of their heads whip towards me, she didn't even seem annoyed that I was late. I guess Sarah had that effect on everyone.
"Hi girls." I cheesed when I began to take my bag off, making myself ready to sit down. Sarah was mid sip so she just hummed a hello back.
I waved through the window to Casper and as soon as he saw me he shined up in a big smile, raising a thumbs up and a wave my way. "I'll be right out" he mouthed and I nodded lightly along with my smile back to him.
As I sat down, Max just squeezed my cheeks with one hand, scrunching her nose at me followed up with a kiss out in the open air towards me. This was her way of giving a hug, which in my opinion almost was a better way of greeting.
"Sarah was just telling me about Mitch." She filled me in, and I was already rolling my eyes. Poor Sarah...
"Are you already snooping for all the juicy and interesting details?" I teased lightheartedly and mouthed the word "sorry" very clearly to Sarah, on purpose making Max see it. Sarah almost snorted out a laugh while Max looked at me with a dropped jaw, acting hurt.
"Would you rather want me to ask all of the usual, dull questions instead?" She sassed back, staring back at me with a tilted head. I just laughed amused before I answered, but I never got the chance as Casper then pushed through the door and made his way towards us.
"Hi, Bibs." He smiled as he placed the pimm's in front of me, giving me a loving and cheeky shake on the top of my head as he stood straight again. With my hair now messed up, his greeting was definitely worse than Max's.
"Yeah, yeah. Now go baby." Max shooed him off, and Casper leaned down to forcefully steal a kiss on her cheek, "girl only, I know." he mocked her a bit before leaving one last kiss and jogging coolly back inside. Even if she wanted to act cool, she couldn't win over the small smile that he left her with.
"So remaining on the topic of Mitch, what's he doing?" I asked, taking a first sip of my drink.
"He's with Harry, having a boy's night. It was actually Mitch who kicked me out." She raised her brows with a smile and shake of head, before resting her elbow on the table and grabbing her beer with both of her hands. It explained her text earlier asking me what I was doing after work.
"Rude." Max commented, but Sarah just continued to shake her head, obviously not taking offense of it. And by the way Max leaned her chin on her shoulder, narrowing her eyes at Sarah I knew she also meant it in a playful way, being aware that she had done the exact same thing to Casper.
"Guess they had a lot to talk about, even after spending weeks on end with each other in Italy." Sarah shrugged, now her turn to roll her eyes. Not expecting her to say that, it made my stomach twist. I couldn't help but think that what they had so much to talk about involved me.
"So, are you excited for L.A and Malibu?" Sarah then turned to me and once again I was surprised, "Harry spilled the beans when he came over." She further explained. Max looked between us, her brows lowering over her dark eyes before they settled on me. Raising up her hand, she hit me lightly over my arm.
"You're leaving already, again?" She questioned before she immediately continued with her scolding, "I didn't move back for you to leave me all the time."
"I'm not leaving you." I corrected her warmly, and Sarah was quick to jump in.
"It's only for a week, Mitch and Harry are going there to make music, so we're all joining in on the first week." She explained, and that made not only Max's eyebrows fly up to the sky, but mine as well as this was the first time I heard new music being mentioned.
"Oh, he's already making new music?" Max was the first to ask since it took me a little longer to find my words. Sarah just nodded through the sip she was taking, clearly delighted by our reaction, but probably mostly mine.
"Have you heard any of it yet?" I couldn't help myself to ask, still taking in this new information. Sarah peeked over the glass at me with a slow and sure nod as she swallowed her sip and placed the glass back down on the table.
"Mitch just played me some bits from the voice note recording of the first song they did," She said coolly before piercing her gaze into mine, "You'll love it." She smirked.
After drinking a few too many pimm's, I was now on my way home. At first my heels felt light on my feet, but the closer I got to home- the heavier they got. So when I finally took them off, they landed like bricks in my hallway as they announced my arrival.
"Hi there, babe." Philippe's head peeked out of the bathroom, seemingly just getting out of the shower, "Fun night?" he quickly added on, smiling through the small stubble that he had grown during my Italy trip.
"Very." I answered back with a short and kind smile as I began to walk towards the bedroom. But as I passed him, he was quick to grab me around my waist, pulling me up to his chest and leaving a little peck on my shoulder and then my neck.
"Missed you." He mumbled next to my ear, and my head caved down to my own shoulder at the sound of it and his touch, making him stand tall again to quickly add in his question, "Do you want to watch a movie before bed?"
"You saw me just this morning." I brushed it off in a nonchalant giggle before spinning out of his embrace, wrapping my own arms around me instead of his.
"And I think I'll just upload all the photos to my laptop and then sleep. I'm too tired after my first workday." I tried to politely explain so that he wouldn't feel hurt by me declining his sweet idea. But I couldn't help but notice how he swallowed down hard along with his jaw clenching to my answer. His smile he pushed didn't match what his eyes and body said.
"Another time." He tried to assure me sweetly, and I slowly nodded as I still kept observing him while he walked to the kitchen. I waited a moment before walking into my bedroom, but the longer I watched him, the longer I convinced myself that I had just imagined his change in demeanor.
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A little shorter than the last few, but I still hope you enjoyed it. It's been so hard to get back into my writing routines since being sick, but I'll have a few days off now so hopefully I'll be able to get back into it.
Also, congrats to our honey for winning a brit award. He looked stunning tonight!
Love /R