A/N: You have spoken and more people said they wanted me to continue on rather then do a sequel, so this is just a filler type chapter to bridge what just happened on Christmas with what's going to happen next.
Alexander had tremendous guilt over what happened over Christmas. Even a week later, he was a wreck. He never would've been able to forgive himself if Laurens committed suicide. He probably would've done the same had that happened. But luckily it didn't, and now Laurens was trying to show him that he forgave him and help him move on.
"Hey Alex, can we talk?" Laurens asked as he walked into Alexander and Lafayette's dorm.
"Yeah. Laf, can you give us a minute?" Alexander asked.
"Sure, mon ami." Laf stood up and walked out.
"I know you still have guilt." Laurens explained. "Every time I've seen you since Christmas, it's like you can't even look at me."
"I'm sorry." Alexander responded.
"And then there's that, the real Alexander rarely apologizes." Laurens laughed.
"Well, the real Alexander is rarely wrong." Alex joked. "But this isn't just a little mistake. You could've died. You would've died if Peggy hadn't talked you out of it."
"But I'm not dead. And I forgave you. Please, I just want things to go back to normal." Laurens said.
"It's more complicated then that." Alexander said.
"What were you doing before I walked into the kitchen that day?" Laurens asked.
Alexander's eyes opened wide. He didn't think Laurens had come in in time to see him. "What do you mean?" Was all he could say.
"I already saw the knife before you dropped it. I just want to know how far you were going to take it." Laurens elaborated.
"I think you know." Alexander admitted.
"Knowing that makes me feel stupid for wanting to kill myself." Laurens replied.
"Why?" Alex questioned.
"Cause hearing you say that, if I had died, and you had died, we would've both ruined mom and dad's lives. It's a chain. Our decisions affect others. You think we would've learned that by now." Laurens sighed. "I'm just glad I managed to show up when I did." He looked at Alex, who's face disagreed with him. "And yet I get the feeling you wish I hadn't."
"Have I ever told you what happened to my brother, James?" Alexander asked.
"I don't think so." Laurens responded.
"Me and my brother went out into the street, cause our home was flooded and we were trying not to drown. I didn't know it at the time, but my half brother, Peter, was already dead by then. We were doing a good job at staying alive, but a tree branch hit us and knocked us out. When I woke up, there was a man." Alexander paused for a moment. "He said that he could only save one of us. He chose me, and by the time he went back for James, he was dead. I've always blamed myself for that, because that man would've saved him if I wasn't there."
"That's not your fault..." Laurens began.
"It is. This isn't like when I say you didn't kill your mother. You said your mother knew she was going to die. She made a choice. I existed and it cost James his life." Alexander said. "Me being alive took another life."
"He would've wanted to die if it meant saving you." Laurens explained. "I know it's a psychological thing, like everyone else is telling you that it's not your fault but you still believe it is. But I promise you it's not."
"But my point is, if you had died? That would've been my fault." Alexander choked. "I already can't live with what I did to James. But I wouldn't live at all if I killed you too."
"Alex, if I hadn't shown up when I did and you had gone through with it, what do you think that would've done to me?" Laurens asked. "I would've killed you! And you can pretend that's not true, but in my mind it would be. You're not the only one who made mistakes here. Peggy brought up a good point to me. I really overreacted with this whole situation because I wasn't thinking about the big picture. If you had been there with me that day, my father would've just taken you too. Or worse, killed you. At the time, he obviously wasn't afraid to try. Did you have to lie to me about it? No. But I shouldn't have cast the blame for that event on you. It wasn't fair. Especially considering all you did for me afterwards. Saving your life from my father was the least I could do to pay you back for that."
"It was pretty good payback. I don't even mean that as a joke. I saw what that did to you. Having to choose between potentially taking a life and saving me. And then living with the choice." Alexander explained. "It really meant a lot to me that you actually cared about me that much."
"If I had to do it again, I would." Laurens reassured him. "You're my brother."
"You think we'll ever get past these kinds of things?" Alexander asked.
"Yeah. I think we will. Someday, at least. And I don't want you to have guilt for the rest of your life. Families fight. Every one!" Laurens began. "But we make up because we're family. I don't want things to be weird forever."
"Honestly, I'm surprised how well you've handled this." Alexander stated.
"Dad told me some things. Things that helped me understand a little better." Laurens sighed. "He told me you still keep secrets from us. About foster families and such."
"And you don't?" Alexander questioned.
"Maybe I shouldn't. Secrets are just lies that haven't been told." Laurens continued. "We need a clean slate. Start over and be completely honest. Like family should be."
"I've never told anyone this before. Not the Washingtons, not Eliza, not Laf, not even Dr. Reynolds." Alexander took a deep breath in. "I tried to kill myself... and I almost succeeded." Alexander admitted. "I was fourteen. I was in a really, really bad home. The couple was every type of abusive you could think of. I had dealt with certain things before, but this was something much worse. I went into the bathroom and grabbed the razor... I seriously thought about it, and made the decision to end it. I made one cut across my wrist. It was deep. I lost a lot of blood. I got caught by my foster mother before I could cut the second one. She rushed me to the hospital. Doctor said five more minutes and I probably would've gone into irreversible shock. They sent me away about a week later when they got the hospital bill. I still have the scar." Alexander rolled up his left sleeve and showed his wrist. "Nobody's even asked about it before."
"When you say every type of abusive, does that mean even-" Laurens begin before he was cut off.
"Every type of abusive." Alexander whispered, keeping his head down. He couldn't even look at him.
"Oh my gosh." Laurens was completely shocked. "I'm so sorry." He gave him a hug.
"Life sucks." Alexander joked with a faint laugh. "But it's been getting better."
"You're not alone anymore. Neither of us are. If you need to talk to me about things, you know you can. Just promise me you'll never do something like that again." Laurens stated.
"Deal." Alexander smiled. "I feels nice to actually have good people in my life."
"Yeah. I mean... we both found love. Sisters too." Laurens smirked. "Rich ones at that."
"Who's rich?" Peggy walked in.
"Elon Musk." Laurens blurted out.
"Nice save." Peggy laughed.
"Thanks, I thought so." Laurens replied awkwardly.
"I just came to tell Alexander that his wife is waiting for him back at her dorm." Peggy giggled.
"Ok. I'll see you guys later." Alexander nodded before leaving the room.
"Hey." Laurens smiled.
"Hey. I wanted to talk about some things." Peggy began. "I love you, and I almost lost you a few days ago. I know you said you wouldn't do it again, but..."
"I know you're concerned. You have every right to be, but I promise. I'm not going to do anything like that again." Laurens grabbed her hand and held it in his. "And please don't take this out on Alexander. He feels really bad and it's tearing him apart."
"Ok, I won't." Peggy nodded. She leaned in and gave him a kiss. "But if that boy does anything like this again, I will rip off his arms and beat him with them." She ended with a smile.
"Peg?"
"Just saying."
Alexander went to Eliza's dorm to find her waiting for him on her bed.
"Hi, we need to talk." Eliza began, not knowing her sister was having a similar conversation just a few dorms down. "You said some things I know you're not proud of, but you've done this before in the past too."
"I know. I can't really shut my mouth." Alexander sighed.
"It's not shutting your mouth that's the problem. It's what you're saying with it open." Eliza explained. "I love you very much, and I know you want to change this, so let's work on it together."
"I really don't deserve you, Eliza." Alexander smiled. "But I'm glad you still are giving me a chance. Even after all my previous failures."
"I believe in second chances." Eliza kissed his lips. (I think I just used that line in my other book too. huh) "And third and fourth chances too."
"How about thirteen?" Alexander questioned.
"Oof, has it really been that many?" Eliza asked.
"Yep." Alexander sighed.
"Then thirteen and thirteen more. Although I'm really hoping I don't have to give you thirteen more?" Eliza laughed.
"I love you." He leaned in and kissed her.
"I love you too."