You guys reached the last goal so fast, so proud of u my besties.
BTW- The italicized parts are flashbacks. Try to keep up.
Goal: 150 votes, 1.5k comments
Chapter 81
"I've been doing this too long.
Baby girl, I've felt it all."
(Zayn's POV)
The white in my tennis shoes turns to a dark umber as my feet carry me through the puddles on the street, trying to make my way through the New Orleans rain without getting drenched. I hold my hoodie over my head, stepping over every crack and dent on the pavement because I have the road memorized. At this rate, I'll catch hypothermia if I don't find a roof to sustain me.
The sign of the local cafe flickers as the gray sky around me only becomes darker. Even though I only have a dollar in my pocket, I have no choice but to run inside the sheltered building. As soon as I swing the door open, the bells chime to announce my entry. There are only about five people inside the restaurant, half of whom seem to be employees, so I quickly grab a booth after wiping my shoes, sitting down with my drenched clothes.
A waitress, short and shrill, walks over to me with a coffee pot on her hip. She sets a mug down in front of me and fills it up with the hot coffee, glancing between me and the cup. I want to tell her that I don't have enough on me to even pay her for the coffee, but when my hands start to shake, they find their way around the mug in ownership.
"Can I get you anything to eat?" She asks with a deep southern drawl.
My stomach growls with hunger when I realize the last time I ate was a banana this morning before I left for school. Usually, every day after class gets out, Kai and I meet up to go to his place where we spend the day shooting hoops and playing video games. Today, he was out sick with the flu, so I had to find my own way back home in the rain.
"French toast," I tell her, already constructing a plan to dine and dash. "And a scrambled egg, if you have it."
"You got it."
Once she walks away, I search the pockets of my hoodie and jeans but only manage to find a dollar and a library card. With a sigh, I debate just leaving all together but when the card slips from my hand and falls under the booth, I take it as a sign to dine and dash, something I have become quite a professional at over the years.
I duck under the booth and search for my card, finding it between a ketchup wrapper and another dollar. I scoop up the card and dollar before sitting back up on the booth. Only after I've put both items in my pocket do I realize that I'm not alone at the table anymore.
Across from me sits a smiling man who I have never seen before. He can't be older than twenty-one, given the piercings in his ears and tattoos up his neck. He even went as far as to get a small tattoo of some sort of bird on his face, right beside his pierced eyebrow. His build and height threaten me slightly, but I have lived in this town long enough to know I'm in trouble. When I furrow my eyebrows and sit tall, he only tilts his head to the side with a menacing glint, tapping his fingers with an eerie patience against the table between us.
"Uh," I clear my throat. "You need something, man?"
"As a matter of fact, I do." He relaxes in his seat, crossing both of his arms over his chest which displays the additional ink he has trailing up his skin. "Your name is Zayn, right?"
My skin crawls at the level in his tone as he says my name like he's known me forever. The waitress comes by the table and sets my food down in front of me, and while she didn't crack a single smile at me during our interaction, at the sight of the mystery man she grins so wide that her teeth show.
"Roman!" She clasps her hand together, "what can I get for you, sugar?"
Roman, I'm guessing, returns her excitement with a tight-lipped smile and a nod. "Just coffee, Loretta."
"Coming right up," she gleams.
"Thanks, sweetheart."
She blushes at Roman's tone, but turns around to fulfill his every command like he's fucking royalty. I suddenly lose my appetite now that this man is sitting with me, keen on getting something out of me even though I don't know him in the slightest.
"Who are you?" I ask.
"My name is Apollo," he introduces himself. This only makes me more confused considering the fact that the waitress just addressed him from a different name altogether. He notices but doesn't say anything, not owing me a single explanation until I ask.
"She called you Roman?"
He narrows his eyes at me, the muscles in his jaw flexing as he watches me. "To you, I'm Apollo."
"Why?" I lean forward on the table, my leg tapping impatiently. "What am I to you?"
"You are going to be my employee," he reveals with a slight tilt of his head.
"Look, mate, I don't know what kinda shit you're into but I think you got the wrong guy." I scoot at the edge of the booth. I'd take the cold rain over this any day.
Loretta sets the cup of coffee down in front of him and he wears his perfectionist of a smile the entire time. It isn't until she walks away that he turns his attention back to me and his eyes turn hold. Just as I go to stand up, he shakes his head and stands up in front of me, looking down at me with a towering gaze. Over his shoulder, I see two guys who look exceptionally similar to him sitting at the bar, their eyes on the scene. One of them even goes to stand up but when Apollo lifts his hand, he sits back down.
"Just hear me out," Apollo asks. It would've been polite if it wasn't coming from such a threatening guy. "Five minutes then you can go."
It's not that I couldn't outrun them knowing every inch of these narrow streets, but his demeanor intrigues me. I have never truly been a guy who has been presented any opportunities but this one seems to be particularly exciting. So I sit back down at the booth. With an accomplished nod, he sits down as well. Both of us take a sip of our coffees, allowing the heat to calm down our burning nerves.
"The truth is, I know you." He taps his fingers against the chipped oak, "I been watching you for a few weeks now."
My stomach tenses. "Watching me? For what?"
He shrugs, "I seen you hang out with Raine Fosco."
At this, I furrow my eyebrows. Maybe this guy is some sort of ex-boyfriend of Raine's, but for as long as I've known that girl, she has not had a single love interest, let alone this bonafide gangster. But I don't know much about the girl. Still, it's hard to believe a dork like her would be capable of living a double life with this man.
"Not really," I start to dig into my food when I realize my hunger trumps my appetite. "She's my friend's little sister, don't really know her. Sometimes his mum forces us to bring her along but other than that, I don't talk to her."
He listens to every one of my words with a certain intent, not revealing any cards yet. "I suppose that'll do."
"For what?" I grimace as my patience runs thin. "Look, if you're a boyfriend or something you should know she's only fifteen. I dunno if her mum would be cool with this, but-"
"I'm not her boyfriend," he interrupts with a sigh.
"Then what?" If he's a stalker or something, then I'll most definitely have to tell Kai. I don't know how old this guy is or what his intentions are, and I'm pretty sure Kai would skin me alive if he found out I knew about this threatening man seeking his little sister. Honestly, I don't even talk to her. He should've gone to someone else if he wanted to know more about her.
He leans forward on the table as I chew on the undercooked french toast. His green irises narrow at me as he crossing his hands together and begins speaking with a low voice. "I work for someone who wants eyes and ears on her at all times."
At this, I stop chewing.
"The fuck you mean, man?"
What ties could that quiet, nerdy, rock-music enthusiast innocent girl have with a man like this? I've only known Kai and his family for about a year now but I feel like something like this would've come up at least once.
Instead of answering my question, he reaches into his bag and pulls out a wad of cash, stacked tall like I've only ever seen in pictures. My heart immediately stops at the sight. I've never even been around money like that.
"This-" he sets the money down on the table between us- "could be yours."
I have to look away from the money in order to think straight, but I'm not even sure what he's proposing to me.
"On a weekly basis," Apollo adds once he notices my temptation faltering. "I heard you got some trouble with your family, huh?"
"How do you know that?" I tense. My family's financial situation back home is relatively bad, but not nearly terrible enough for this twisted social worker to seek me out.
He only shrugs again. "Here's the deal, I need you to just keep an eye on her. Study her habits, understand her interests, keep her safe until I say to stop. You'll report back to me here every Wednesday where you'll get compensated generously for your information."
"But why?" I cross my arms over my chest to keep myself from falling into his trap. "I mean, why her? She's, like, the most boring person alive."
"That's what you think," he laughs, looking over his shoulder to his two acquaintances and nodding once. "I don't want you to ask me any questions, alright? You do this, you keep your mouth shut, and you have enough money to send back to your family."
"I don't..." I run a stressful hand over my face and tip my head back in deliberation. I've only just met Kai and in the short amount of time I've known him, he's become like the brother I never had. Something like this would not only destroy our friendship, but it would most definitely end with a jail sentence. I don't even know what this man possibly wants with a dull girl like Raine. I may not know her well enough, but I know enough to understand that this isn't right. I don't know who these people are. I could be signing off on her death sentence.
"I don't think I can do it," I tell him honestly. "I don't know what you're planning, man. She's just a kid. Maybe if you told me-"
"We're just trying to look out for her," he explains to me but for some reason, I just can't seem to believe him. When he spots the uncertainty in my eyes, he grabs the cash off the table just as quickly as he took it out. I watch him stuff it back into his bag as he says, "well, that's not a problem. I'll just find someone else to do it then."
He's bluffing, I know he's bluffing. There's no way he would just find someone else after telling me something that would most definitely get out, but I find myself growing anxious anyways. If he really does find someone else to do the same thing he's asking me to do, who knows if that person will have the right intentions. I could get money and look out for Kai's sister, that shouldn't be a problem. Or maybe, I just really need the money.
"Fine," I speak up when he grabs his bag. At the sound of my agreement, a confident smirk twists at his lips and he stops moving. "I'll do it."
"Fantastic," he beams, putting the money on the table once again. "Consider this an advance. I need you to keep a keen eye on her, watch what she does, who she spends her time with, what her hobbies are. Come back with information, nothing is too small. I'll meet you back here next Wednesday after you get out of school."
When he stands up, the two men at the bar do the same. He doesn't need to ask if I'll come when he sees me wrap a hand around the stack of cash on the table. With an accomplished grin, he pats my back and turns to walk out of the diner. My eyes follow him and his men and that's when I see it, the shiny gun tucked into the waistband of his jeans. He slides on his coat and conceals it, but it's too late, I've seen the true repercussions of my actions.
But when my eyes land back on the cash, I can't help but feel no remorse for the poor girl I'm selling out in exchange for my opulence. After all, I barely know her, and given our differences and the fact that she's the little sister of my best friend, I doubt there will ever come a day in which I see her as more than a means to an end.
"Where is she?" I ask the security guard that was supposed to be following her around all night.
"I thought she was with you," he tells me even though he's immediately put on guard at the concern in my voice. The music in the club thumps like a rhythmic high, loud enough to the point where I'm unable to hear myself think.
"Go search for her," I command and he abides without any question, motioning for two other guards to join him in his hunt. With an agitated groan, I run back inside the VIP lounge to grab my gun but before I can, I'm stopped by the devil in a red dress who just can't stay away.
"Zayn," she whines, grabbing my arm as I tuck my gun behind me. "Don't leave."
"Why the fuck did you tell her that?" I argue, ripping my hand away from her touch. "You knew what you were doing."
She scoffs as if she's done nothing wrong, throwing the same tantrums she always does when she realizes that the consequences of her actions were not in her favor. "I did you a favor. You told me yourself, you felt trapped."
Stressed so much that I feel like my blood could fume, I run a hand over my face. I should have known better than to trust someone like her, someone who only looks out for themselves without any decency to abide to their word. I made a mistake trusting her. I made an even bigger mistake loving her.
"That doesn't mean- dammit, Ana!" I slam my hand down on the bar. "Do you know what this fucking means? My title, my power, the trust I built with Ramone? All of it is gone!"
Her vindictive cherry lips turn up into a smile as she rests a flirtatious hand on my chest. "So what? We got room for you here." She stands on her toes, barely able to meet my height but manages to lean on me for support as she presses her soft lips underneath my jaw. "I missed you, baby. And I know you missed me, too, especially after what happened in the restroom."
Despite my darkest tendencies for murder and chaos, this woman has to be the blackest of them all. No matter how hard I try to stray away from the evil that surrounds her, I fall victim to her tender touches and reminiscent words. I've tried and failed to separate myself from her but nothing has worked. When I thought I didn't want her, she was all I could think about. When I had better, I felt like I deserved worse. When I set her free, all I wanted was for her to come running back. She is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and yet, the corruption in me welcomes her with open arms.
"I have to find Raine," I persist, trying to fight off my darkest desires in this moment. After hearing the truth about what really happened on the night of Ana's escape, Raine left without saying a single word. I've searched high and low for her but my attempts have lead to nothing. If I know her at all, she is doing the only thing she knows how to do when she's hurt- shut off her mind. Wherever the drugs are, she is. Wherever the pain is, she is. Wherever I am not, she is. I fear that she'll go too far if I'm not around to stop her, but I'm also realizing that I am the reason she reaches those heights in the first place.
Maybe I'm not the savior I've made myself out to be. Perhaps, all this time, I'm only the light to her blunt.
"You don't have to find her," Ana runs her devilish tongue over my bottom lip and I suck in a sharp breath. Maybe I am not a man who is meant to love things that come easy to me. When I had Ana, I wanted Raine. When I had Raine, I wanted Ana. It's difficult to differentiate between the love I feel for them and the irreversible connection I have to both of these women. Where Ana only adds fuel to my fire, Raine is the ice that runs through my veins. It is not feasible to love the sun and the moon at once, yet I do so without fail. The only way I would ever be able to stop is if I was six feet under.
"Yes," I gruff, grabbing her hip and pushing her back against the counter. Despite my words, I tilt my head and let her graze her familiar lips over my flushed skin. "I have to find her."
She laughs against me, her petite body vibrating against mine. My grip on her exposed skin deepens but she doesn't wince. The pain I inflict on her is nothing but a paper cut to a viscous woman like her, it's the hurt she feeds to me that truly burns my skin.
"You're overthinking," she persists, wrapping her small fists against my coat. "This world isn't made for feelings, Ace."
My hands stop. My stomach twists, and suddenly, it all comes back to me.
"This is Ana," Apollo says to me with a casual tint, only introducing her because it would be oblivious not to. I watch her wipe the rain from her skin as she tugs her oversized hoodie off of her hair that flows down beneath her elbows. She widens her curious eyes at me as she glances over me the same way I do to her- out of sheer curiosity.
"I've heard a lot about you," she smiles as her soft voice rings through the empty bar. While Apollo works on taking out his recorder which he brings with him at every one of our diner meetings. Loretta sets three cups of coffee on the table as we work on getting comfortable, just like we do every Wednesday afternoon.
"You kids staying out of trouble?" Loretta asks us, finally showing me the same grin she flashes at Apollo.
"On the contrary," the bright-eyed girl chirps, setting her elbow on the table as she props her chin her sweater hands. She passes me a mischievous wink and I clear my throat, immediately sitting taller at the sight of her so brazen. She is truly a vision.
"Uh, it's nice to meet you, Ana," I say when I finally build the courage to speak to her. Loretta laughs and walks away, noticing my nerves from a mile away. While Ana's cherry lips spread further, Apollo looks up from his bag and cocks an eyebrow at me.
"Ana is my cousin," he speaks as if it's of any relevance, even though I am well aware of why he's saying it. He wants to warn me that she is off limits, that my eyes need to be focused on what truly matters: Raine Fosco.
"Oh," I wrap my hands around the coffee mug and look down. "So this is a family business then?"
Apollo and Ana both laugh as if I've said something funny. "Oh, you have no idea."
I have to lift my chin to force myself to regain control of the situation. Working with Apollo for the past six months has been eating my conscience alive. Every day I go to hang out with Kai casually, I am really just stalking his doe-eyed sister who I'm pretty sure has formed a crush on me. Like clockwork, when these meetings roll around with Apollo, I go in thinking I'm going to back out but when I get a hold of the money, nothing else seems to matter.
"You can begin," Apollo announces after he says the date and time into the recorder.
My guilt seems to be at bay as I go over the weekly activities of a one, Raine Fosco. From watching her all this time, I've learned she's quite the fighter. Even if her and Kai get into playful banter, her quick wit and sharp tongue seem to shut him up with ease. She releases all of her pent up anger through the rock music she blasts in her room day and night, but she spends most of her time sneaking out of her window to light a blunt or go racing with her moms car after she's sound asleep. I would say she was interesting if she wasn't so shy around me, but all these things I've learned through observation and what her brother complains to me about. Other than that, she is a closed book.
"So nothing has really changed," Apollo notes when I'm finished speaking. He clicks the recorder off. "Good. The less she moves, the better."
I sit back in the seat as he puts a wad of cash down in front of me. Just as I reach for it, Ana places her hand over mine to keep me from lifting it. I look between our touch and her fire eyes before she finally speaks.
"How would you like to make more cash?"
I glance over at Apollo who glares at Ana. "The fuck you mean?"
"I mean he could work with us," she snaps at Apollo though she focuses on me. "You've proven to be loyal to the cause and, well, we could use someone like you on our side."
"Someone like me?" My ears perk up.
"Yeah," she smiles, her suggestion so innocent. If I hadn't known any better, I would think she was recruiting me to work for a bakery. "You seem really good at gathering intel, analyzing situations, assessing personalities. I think we could put you to work."
There's a heavy sound heard from Apollo's side of the booth, but Ana doesn't care about his disapproval. With her wild eyes in mine and a generous smile on her face, she nudges my hand off the cash and tosses it aside carelessly, as if it's worth nothing.
"How much you making weekly?" Ana asks me.
With a proud tone, I say, "two grand."
To very much of my surprise, she bursts out in laughter. Apollo and I exchange strange glances but the second she notices the red hue in my cheeks, she places a hand over her mouth.
"Two grand?" She turns to Apollo. "You been paying this kid only two grand?"
"Ana," Apollo warns, running a hand over his face. Two grand a week is more than enough for someone like me, and I truly thought that kind of money was making a dent in Apollo's wallet but after Ana's reaction, I'm starting to second guess. How big is their operation, anyway?
She turns to me with a devilish intent in her eyes. "How does ten grand sound?"
I nearly choke on my coffee. "A week?"
"Of course," she sprawls her arms behind her head. "On a bad day."
My eyes dart between her and Apollo. "What do I have to do?"
Ana clasps her hands together, excited that she's inspired something in me that I have yet to understand myself. Apollo shakes his head with a disapproving tint, passing Ana an angry glare as if she's spoken out of line.
"You don't needa get caught up in this shit," he tells me. "In a few years, your job is done and you can do whatever the hell you want with your money. There's no need to turn this into something that it's not."
"Come on," Ana insists with a whine. "Look at him, selling his best friend's sister out for two grand a week. He's exactly the type of manipulator we could use!"
She says this like it's a good thing, and even though I felt that way coming in, the way it sounds coming from her mouth makes me feel like I'm being praised. So I sit tall in my seat and toughen up the remainder of courage I have, especially when I'm presented with life-changing opportunities.
"For ten grand a week, I'll manipulate anyone."
Apollo raises a condescending brow at me, but Ana only beams with excitement. She has the type of fire in her eyes that an arsonist like me is drawn to. Even though I've only just met her a few minutes ago, she seems to know exactly how to lure me into the life I know nothing about.
"You don't wanna do that," Apollo warns. "I'll raise your price to three grand but-"
"He doesn't want that!" Ana speaks for me, beckoning me to agree. "He wants real money, Apollo. Don't you, Ace?"
I tilt my head. "Ace?"
With an innocent shrug, she leans into the table with her cherry lips twisted up into a mischievous smirk. "Yeah, you're our golden ticket that nobody knows about. The ace up our sleeve, if you will."
Growing up reading poetry and adoring literature, I have only ever heard of women that you fall in love with the first time you see them. Love at first sight is believed to be a myth, but as I look at the blazing woman sitting across from me who shines her troublesome gaze at me, I suddenly come to realize what all the poets have been writing about.
"I'm in," I say wholeheartedly. If it weren't for her, perhaps I would've never even bothered to ask a man like Apollo for anything more than he is willing to offer me. But right now, when I see the happiness in her eyes as she corrupts my soul with nothing but her fox gaze, I relax in my seat and make the worst mistake of my life.
"So, what is it that you do, anyway?"
I get so lost in the familiarity in her lips that I almost don't notice the bodyguard barge into the room with his guns blazing. When he notices Ana and I preoccupied, he only lowers his head and clears his throat to get our attention.
I immediately pull away from her just as I recall why he's in here in the first place. Raine is not by his side, nor does he seem excited about his discovery. Either he's solemn because there's bad news coming or he's stumbled upon something worse.
"We searched the perimeter," the guard announces. "She is nowhere to be found, Patrón."
When I storm over to him, I hear Ana sigh with annoyance. "What do you mean you can't find her?"
"She seems to have left the club," he declares. "We have checked everywhere but she's nowhere to be seen."
Like an instinct, I reach into the pocket of my coat and pull out my cellphone. If she's not here, with me, then there is only one other person she could be with. A bitter jealousy sinks into my tongue but I try not to focus on that right now, not when she's unstable like she tends to become. Raine is somewhat of a ticking time bomb and I've learned to understand when she is about to explode, but more often than not, I am too late to stop her.
"Señor," the bartender speaks up behind us. I glance over my shoulder just as the bodyguard approaches him. I overhear them exchange a few words in Spanish before the guard seems in control of the situation again. When he comes back to me, he's bearing more answers than before.
"Apparently she's in the red room," he announces. "I don't recall anyone checking there."
"Where is the room?"
He directs me towards it, but I ask him to stay back. The last thing Raine needs if she's wasted beyond her mind is a pack of guards hunting for her. Ana doesn't bother following me, instead getting lost in the night that awaits her like always. She has never been the type to let anyone else coke between her and a party.
Just as the gates of the room open for me, my blood grows thick with rage when I recall how selfish of a woman she truly is. I wonder how I've loved her for so long, how I continue loving her despite her vindication and stone cold heart, but I believe that is the true definition of the word love- adoring someone despite their worst qualities.
If only I could understand how wrong that truly is.
"But I've never shot a gun before," I tell Ana as she props my arm up so my pistol is locked into position. "I mean, other than in video games."
"This is something like that," she chirps, helping me square my shoulders as I stand in respect of what the weapon demands. The weight of the cool weapon against my fingertips feels scary at first, but when I catch her grinning at me with a proud smile, I feel powerful. I've never held something that had the ability to take a life so brazenly, nor has it ever even occurred to me to do so. It wasn't until she flashed me her cherry grin and doe-eyes that I truly started believing power comes before all else.
"Okay," she encourages me as she stands back. "Ready? You're gonna shoot at the target. It's okay if you don't get the bullseye, but just try."
It's almost as if when I'm around her, she brings out the best worst parts of me. I've always been a silent thief, tempting my fate with trivial packs of cigarettes and comic books, but I never considered that to be my fate. One day I thought I would grow up and become a better, stronger man with more than I needed. I'd love a simple woman who kept my demons at bay and I would live the white-fence life my parents never had. Never did I think I would even hold a gun.
But when I pull the trigger and the bullet splinters through the bullseye, I realize then that I've been playing my cards all wrong. Why live a simple life when you could spend your days at a shooting range with a drug lord who just happens to be one of the most beautiful women you've ever laid your eyes on?
At my aim, she gets so proud and completely loses the control Apollo had forced her to have around me all this time. She jumps and wraps both of her tattoo laced arms around me before pressing her lips against mine for the first time.
I'm not sure what feels better- the exhilaration from pulling the trigger or the high of her cherry lips on mine.
The red room looks like a lucid dream Pablo Escobar dreamt up.
Lines of pure coke, pillars of over-indulgent pills, groups of unadulterated sicarios, and life-ending substances are laid out in unity. There is a large red neon sign that says something in Spanish, but I spot the tiny English translation underneath the gleam which reads, "From this point forward, you are your own boss. Try to make it out alive."
The skilled participators seek solace in the notoriety of intoxicants, all of whom are fully capable of learning their limits. They inhale everything they could possibly get their hands on, but their resistance to the spell of the arrangement is fairly impressive. I've always been the type of man to smoke my pain away, but I've never done anything harder than cocaine because I never even liked the white powder to begin with. Marijuana and a backwood is all I need to keep my thoughts at bay, but I sometimes forget that some demons aren't so easy to suppress.
Through the intoxicated bunch, I search for Raine high and low. I should've known to check this room first. She is not the type of girl to cry her problems away, nor has she ever been. After finding out such difficult news, she is definitely taking her sadness out with self-destructive activities.
Which reminds me.
I take out my phone and call Apollo, hoping he's with her. We've never seen eye to eye but when it comes to Raine and her safety, we are aligned to the core. If she's with him, while I may not enjoy it, I can at least rest assured that she isn't alone.
"What is it?" Apollo asks as soon as he answers. He's fully aware of the fact that I wouldn't call unless it was a life-or-death situation. We're not that kind of friends.
"Raine," I say. "Have you seen her?"
With a sigh, he takes a beat to answer before he says, "I'm on my way."
And then, the line cuts.
"I'll take that as a no," I mumble to myself as I shove through the excessive crowd with merit. My troubles lead me to a narrow hallway that has multiple guards and rooms, mimicking a perfect VIP section. As I walk through the halls, no guard dares to stop me in my pursuit for her, even if I do peek into an orgy or two.
I'm about to call my luck when the last door opens and I see a man walk out. He pats the guard on the back and something in Spanish that I can't understand but judging from the bags of coke he leaves with, I figure I've found my girl.
When I step into the room, it's safe to say that I'm not shocked in the slightest. Raine is sitting on the couch, licking shut a blunt with one hand while she uses a card to split the powdered lines into neat intakes. She looks as skillful as ever, performing both tasks with such leisure one would think she's been doing this for her entire life.
She is already high, that I can tell when I notice how dilated her pupils are from here. She's moving fast, almost like it's a routine, while she makes three near lines before reaching into her pocket to pull out another small ziplock bag. Since she hasn't noticed me standing there, she takes her time to examine the new drug that I recognize from my time in this game- Heroin.
She pours it alongside her coke casually, as if such a combination isn't capable of sending her to her grave early. I feel a tight ache in my chest at the sight of her so incredibly casual about the entire thing, but the hurt is replaced with a blood burning anger before I know it.
Just as she works on lighter her blunt, I storm over to the table and wipe it clean of her powdered lines. A blinding rage I've never seen in her before starts to rise as she follows the hand back to me, her eyes only getting colder. Pushing herself off the couch, she stands face to face with me with the same fire in her eyes that lights the end of her blunt.
"What the fuck!" She shouts in my face, her chest rising and falling as she tries to control her racing anger. She should know she's no match to mine, though, I've been far madder for much longer than she has.
"You're trying to die," I deadpan, gripping her chin harshly as I tilt her head up to look into her unfamiliar eyes. They are so incredibly bloodshot that I almost don't recognize them.
"Get the fuck off of me!" She yells, pushing me back with such a force I would've thought it came from someone else. I stumble backwards, only finding my rage simmer deeper when she does this.
"What the fuck you doin' heroin for!" I reciprocate her tone, not able to contain it any longer. I'd learned a long time ago to play fire with fire, it's about times she gets burned.
"Do you think I owe you any explanation?" She seethes, tipping her head to the side with a menacing glare.
"If you're trying to O.D. on these fucking drugs then yeah, you do."
She laughs coldly, killing her blunt only because she knows she'll come back to it later. Her face is flushed with a crimson red, her eyes as bloodshot as the room around us. She looks like the blazing girl I enjoyed the night of Kai's party, the girl who snorted lines and made out with me only to crash and burn. I always loved her unconditional attitude for adventure, but as time went on, the line between pleasure and survival started to blur.
"Get the fuck out of this room, Zayn," she demands with a stable quietness. "Or so help me God, I will slit your throat myself."
"You won't do shit," I challenge, taking another step towards her as she takes one back. While I may have been able to bend her to my will every other time, when I approach her now I almost shiver at her coolness. It won't be such an easy play this time.
She proves this when she whips out the pistol strapped to her thigh, clocking it against my chest when I take another step forward. She doesn't fear me this time, not when she tips her head back and digs the weapon into my chest harshly. I can't help but wince at the sharpness of her act, though any pain from her is better than being without her.
"I will kill you," she promises me with a ow vengeance. "I will fucking kill you, Zayn, I promise."
I wrap my hand around her wrist that's holding the pistol. As calm as I can be, I whisper, "then what's stopping you, baby?"
She yanks her hand away from my grip on it before pressing the gun against the side of my head, shaking her head as she takes command of the situation. "Don't fucking touch me, do you understand me? Fuck you."
The pain and anger that lingers in her eyes is as prominent as I've ever seen which makes me shudder. She has never been able to carry such rage in her beautiful eyes, but today she is different. My betrayal this time has flipped a switch in her that I can't undo.
"Raine-"
"I will kill you," she says again with a eerily low whisper. "But after I kill Ana and make you watch. I'll make you suffer and then I'll find you and kill you too."
My shoulders fall. "Listen, Raine. What she said about-"
She doesn't let me finish. Instead, she points the gun over my shoulder and pulls the trigger, shooting behind me and through a vase as the bullet digs into the wall. The glass shatters all over the floor and I have to flinch and cover my ears at the deafening sound of the shot, my heart racing rapidly as I try to control the pulse in my throat.
"What the fuck, Raine!"
She points the weapon back at me, flicking it towards the door. "Get out."
And despite my best efforts, I am not a patient man. I can't give her space when she needs it because I know time will tell her that I'm not a good man. I'm deathly afraid of her to see me for the beast I truly am as opposed to the doe-eyes poet who she fell in love with. If she gets time away from me, she won't care for me anymore. That seems to be a trend in my life.
"No." I step towards her, gripping her forearms as she tries to shake me off. "I need you to listen to me."
"Let go of me you selfish, backstabbing, two-faced, hypocritical, lying son of a bi-"
"Just listen!" I roar with an animalistic grip on her. She keeps trying to free herself from my grasp but I am stronger than her, especially in this state. When she realizes this, she presses her gun against my jaw and nods once, her hot breath racing across my lips.
"I don't want to listen," she says to me slowly. "You chose her life over mine. You chose her freedom over mine. You chose her over me. Nothing you could ever say will change that. Nothing, Zayn."
With a sigh, I shake my head. "It wasn't like that. I wasn't thinking about it like that. It was just... I couldn't let you kill her. She-"
"Let go of me or I'll have to shoot your skull in," she interrupts, not willing to listen for a second more. "Go spend your last moments with her before tomorrow."
My shoulders fall. "Raine-"
"Go!" She orders, shoving me back once again. "You don't want to be with me, so go!"
"That's not true!" I yell back, slapping a hand over my face now that I'm away from her. "I love you, Raine!"
"No," she shakes her head rapidly. "No, you don't!"
"Yes-"
"You can't love us both!" She interrupts, swinging her loaded gun around carelessly. "You can't free her from my captivity and tell me you love me! You can't love me, Zayn. You never fucking did!"
"I did!" I point an accusatory finger at her, my heart pounding in my ears. "I fucking loved you then and I love you now. Don't say that shit to me!"
"Really?" She cocks an eyebrow at me. Before she storms over to me, she sets her gun on the table. Once she's standing close to me, I stand taller as she grips my coat in the small of her desperate hands, her bloodshot eyes glistening with tears as she shakes her head. "You love me?"
I nod once.
"You love her?"
I nod again.
"Then you are lying to yourself," she explains to me, gripping my jacket so hard her knuckles turn white. "If you loved me at all, you would have known how badly I wanted to kill her, how badly I wanted to be free of this life. You would've let her die for me, Zayn, but you did the opposite."
I shake my head, trying to hold on to her because I can see her slipping away.
"You chose her," she sniffles, her comfortable eyes forming an ache in my heart. "You can't love two people at once, Zayn."
"Yeah?" I wrap my hands around her wrist and clench my jaw, walking her backwards until she is pressed against the wall behind her. She notices the familiarity in my movements but she doesn't fall for them, not this time. This is a dance we've perfected over time but it falls short today.
"What about Apollo, huh?" I nod once. "You can love both me and Apollo but I can't love both of you?"
She shakes her head. "I don't... I don't love both of you."
My air seems to get caught in my throat as I hear these words. "You don't?"
"No," she tilts her head away from me. "I don't love you. I don't think I ever have."
Heartbreak; it's a feeling you don't know you were capable of until you physically feel it turn inside of you. All at once, every demon you kept at bay comes out to play and you're left standing guard between the pain that lives within you and the weeping reality that greets you with nothing but disappointment. It is the moment you realize you've played your cards all wrong, but time has never turned back for anyone. If only you had more time, you could've done things differently. If only you had more time, you would have done the right thing as opposed to what was easiest. If only I had more time, I would have kept walking in the rain until I reached my best friend's house where his annoying sister was nothing but a presence to me.
But we can't change the past. Nobody has ever been able to do that. Heartbreak is a beast that envelopes you whole and the worst part is, it never gets easier with time.
I stuff my freezing hands in the pockets of my coat, pulling the thick nylon closer against myself in an attempt to warm up. The droplets of rain that fall from the sky sprinkle on my hoodie, making me shiver so much that I have to take a deep hit of the cigarette in my mouth just to stop shaking. My feet walk through puddles of ice water but the temperature doesn't deter me from making it to her.
I finally spot Ana underneath a bus stop, clasping her hands together to keep herself warm. I fight the urge to take my coat off and give it to her just so she stops shaking, but if I did that I would quite literally freeze. She has a puffy black jacket on pulled above her nose, a beanie on her head that is far too big for her, and a cigarette of her own in her mouth. When she spots me, her red lips coil up into a warm smile.
"We couldn't meet up inside?" I ask when I'm shielded from the rain, joining her underneath her bus stop.
"This was kind of an emergency," she tells me, but her words are as easy as they are calm.
"What emergency? Everything okay?"
Her nose is a bright pink as she looks at me with a knowing gaze. She called me about an hour ago, right before I was on my way over to Kai's house, telling me that she wanted me to meet her here. I didn't question her even though I knew it was strange. She never calls me up when she knows I'm on my way to do my job.
"Yeah," she shifts on the balls of her feet as she pulls the cigarette out of her mouth and takes a step towards me. I tilt my head as I await her explanation, but she doesn't necessarily seem so keen on giving me one. "I just wanted to see you."
That was unlike her. She wasn't romantic, nor was she the type to miss me when I just saw her last night. But for a moment, I let myself feel flattered because she wanted to see me. I suddenly don't feel so cold anymore.
So I pull her against me by the wrist and press my lips against hers, kissing her in the cold of the night. She sighs against me, wrapping both of her arms around my neck as she returns my affections like she never has before. I don't want to let go of her. I want this moment to last forever, but she has something else on her mind so when she pulls away, I await the explanation I came all the way here for.
"I have to go," she tells me so casually that I don't even doubt it. The sound of the bus inches closer as it approaches us.
"When are you going to be back?" I ask, glancing at the watch on my wrist to see that it's nearly seven PM. She usually takes the bus when Apollo asks her to do discreet tasks like gather information and visit people she otherwise wouldn't.
The bus stops right in front of us as the gates open. She grabs her backpack from the bench and smiles at me before stepping on her toes and pressing a soft kiss against my cheek. I don't know why she's acting so strange, but I'd rather not question it just in case I don't get to see it again.
"I'll be back soon," she tells me as she walks over to the doors. "Don't wait up."
Right before she walks into the bus, she passes me one last glance that tells me everything and nothing all at once. While she turns her back on me, I wonder what time I should meet her at her place later tonight when she returns, but she never did.
That is when I become acquainted with my dear friend heartbreak.
"You don't love me?" I ask with a subtle hurt, though she sees through me like glass.
"No," she drops her hands from my chest but I don't let her leave my hold, not until she realizes she's lying. She does love me. Nobody else would have been able to forgive me for all that I've done like she has. There is no other reason for that then love.
"I thought I did." She drops her head against the wall behind her, her eyes heavy with suffering. "But somewhere along the way, I realized it wasn't love- it was just comfort. When I look at you, I just think of my brother's best friend, the boy who wrote poems and read books and came to our house for Thanksgiving. I think of the boy I had a crush on, not the man that hurt me time and time again."
I exhale a heavy breath. "That's not true. We were more than that, Raine. In college when we-"
"When I didn't know that all of that was a lie," she whispers, wiping her tears with the back of her hand quickly before they fall. She can't afford to look weak in front of me anymore. "Nothing I've ever known about you has been true, Zayn. You're not that boy. You never were."
My eyes flutter shut. I can't bare to look at her in pain anymore.
"I thought I loved you until I realized I just held on to this false idea of you that only exists in my head," she continues, twisting the knife. "I can't lie to myself anymore and you can't either. If you loved me then you would've let Ana die that day, but you didn't. You love her. You always have."
I shake my head, but no words are able to come out of my mouth. I've mastered the art of language, the gift of poetry, the skill of manipulation but right now, nothing seems to be enough. I wait for a rebuttal, for any argument to spring to mind but I understand then that maybe what she's saying isn't so wrong.
For as long as I can remember, Raine has been entranced with me. When I was nothing but a petty thief, she saw me as a gentle poet. When I used to sell her out to a drug lord for cash, she saw me as the misunderstood boy next door. When we met in college, I was trying to protect her from becoming a victim to my actions but she saw it as rekindling an old crush. When I become a ruthless killer in the name of her safety, she saw me as a twisted man with honey secrets and controlled demons.
She always saw me as a better man than I ever was. She set herself up for disappointment by setting me up for failure. I am incapable of living up to her expectations and I no longer have the strength to keep trying.
She never loved me. I always loved Ana. We were flawed from the start.
"I'm sorry," I choke out, pushing myself off the wall as I finally allow her the room she needs to breathe. "For not being the person you wanted me to be."
She nods to herself, wiping away the last of her tears as she stands tall. "That's not what you need to apologize for, Zayn."
Before I have the chance to say anything more, she pushes me aside and leaves me alone in the room with nothing to soothe me other than her heavy absence, my shameful disappointments, and my demons that chose now to come out to play.
___________
This chapter was for you Zana shippers. Yeah. They exist.
Just wanted to answer some of your questions about Zayn and his past. We still don't know exactly how he set her free, but don't you worry, I will not be leaving that unanswered.
Oh, and I definitely didn't forget about the letter.
So what do you guys think after this chapter? Is Zaine dead? Or am I just really cruel?
I'm sorry for such a late update, got caught up in some real life stuff but trust me, when you hit this goal, the next chapter will be published. And it will be a real page turner.
I love you all soooo much. Cant wait to see your reactions. Don't forget to vote.
Xoxo, N