AN: Hello all! It's been some months now since I updated but I wanted to see how the manga ended before I wrote any further. I've actually had an early draft of this chapter for three months, but I'm finally glad to post. I hope you enjoy
Song inspired for this chapter: Aint No Sunshine (When She's Gone) by Bill Withers. Oh, Levi, you poor baby... As you can guess from the song, he is missing a certain someone 😭
Life has become a dull, miserable affair.
It's not that I was a particularly sunny person to begin with, but I'm grimmer than usual.
I miss Historia. I miss the way she laughs, the way she brushes her hair behind her ear, and the way she smiles. I even miss her blush.
Most of all, I miss being with her, kissing her, making love to her...
I was never the best with words, so I'm not about to become some goddamn poet, but I just wish she were beside me again
I've had to say goodbye far too much in my life, but having to tear myself away from Historia was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
She's my queen, and I'm her knight. We're destined for each other, as she would say.
Poor Hange has had to put up with my sour mug since I returned. We've known each other years, and at times she seems to know me better than I know myself, but lately, she's clueless.
I hate feeling like a liability, but I've been moping around and acting pretty pathetic. It's not as if there's an immediate fight or struggle I can distract myself with; we don't even have any titans left to slay anymore. We haven't in years.
Hange has given me space and time to adjust, and for one who has never been through a formal breakup, she seems to understand what I'm going through. She did appear to have a thing for the 12th Commander of the Survey Corps, Keith Shadis, but not enough for me to ever bring it up, especially now as she's my commander. It would be highly inappropriate of me to ask, but I do recall how pissed she was when he left his post.
Even if she may have harboured romantic feelings for someone who isn't a titan named Sawney, she's oblivious when it comes to relationships. The normally hare-brained mad-scientist hardly knows the right thing to say when it comes to me and Historia, and I truly am alone.
If Erwin were alive, I bet he'd offer some wisdom. Yeah, the same man who sacrificed the love of a beautiful woman for the Survey Corps, and now that woman is married to the asswipe Nile Dok.
Let's hope their daughters take after her...
There's also my squad, but they're barely adults and have yet to experience relationships. Unlike normal teenagers, they haven't had a chance to explore those avenues of life. They pretty much gave all that up when they became scouts. War was always imminent, so the chance to date and settle down just never came up.
Besides, the last thing I want to do is burden someone else with my grief.
The best thing to do is to bottle it all up, letting my feelings slowly rot away at my insides—I'm good at that.
I could always go out and break someone's limbs, but those days are long gone. We teamed up with our enemies across the sea now, allegedly...
The thought of that bearded shit Zeke Jaeger makes my blood boil again, and I lash out, punching a hole through my bedroom wall. My fist comes away with plaster.
I can't even be there to protect her from the MPs now when he arrives on the island.
Fuck.
I punched a hole into the next room, and sometimes I don't even know my own strength. The nervous blue eyes of Armin Arlert blink back at me through the cavity I created, and shit...
His room is next door to mine now (while the rest of the brats sleep in the lower quarters of HQ). He's somewhat become Hange's new second in command. No one could ever replace Moblit, but the kid's mind is as bright as one of those light bulbs that the Marleyans are so fond of on the other side of the sea.
The reason why I saved him.
"Um... C-Captain?" he peeps, his voice small and squeaky, and I breathe a sigh.
His voice only rises like that when he's scared. Looks like I only went and terrified the poor kid. And judging by the book in his hands too, he was enjoying a nice little bedtime read.
The title in his hands reads "Sleeping Beauty..." and I never would have pegged him for a lover of fairy tales.
He's normally a numbers and facts guy.
Unless... There's a particular sleeping beauty he has his sights on, and I close my eyes, rubbing my face. Of course, makes sense. He goes to visit her a lot in Stohess.
Sometimes I truly do forget that they're still kids. Sometimes I forget that Historia is a kid, and I've boned her...
Armin catches my gaze as it lingers on the fancy title of his book, and yelps, throwing it aside. His cheeks flush bright red. "I... I was..."
I decide not to say anything, fixing my eyes on him once. "I won't tell Hange if you won't."
His skin blanches, and all the red vanishes immediately. "T-tell Hange what? I... I swear... All I do is go down there and talk to her. I don't—"
I point at the hole. "About the hole in the wall..."
Armin stammers, looking puzzled for a second, but then his whole body delates as he releases the air from his lungs. What the hell did he think I was talking about?
"S-sure, Captain. I... I can cover it up with a portrait."
I exhale, teasing my fingers through my hair. "Thanks."
He watches me considerately. "Are you all right? You've... not been yourself since..."
The kid trials off, and it's obvious he's trying to avoid saying her name lest I burst into tears.
I dip my head. "Yeah, I'm fine, Armin. Don't concern yourself with me. I... just need some air."
Grabbing my coat, I make a move for the door, planning to walk the streets of Shiganshina—the very town where we defeated the Armoured, Beast, and Colossal Titans.
Where Erwin lost his fight.
It seemed fitting we set up our base here. It's where we redeemed ourselves after our many years of disgrace. It's also Paradis's frontline town, and we're the vanguard of the military, so to speak, always pushing forth onto new territory.
And it just happens to be the town where three members of my squad grew up. One of them being The Attack Titan.
Armin stops before I leave through the door. "Wait, Captain."
I turn back, meeting his bright blue eyes through the hole. He continues. "If... you're looking for a quiet place to unwind, then... the tree on the top of the hill is the perfect spot."
I raise a brow. "All right."
The blond's eyes shine like the glittering surface of the ocean next on a bright, summer's day, and it's as if he's transported back to a different time and place. "It's where Eren and Mikasa and I used to play as kids."
My hand remains on the brass handle of the door. I don't fail to see the sad, nostalgic look that shadows his boyish features. It must have been hard for the three of them moving back to the town where it all began.
Eren sometimes disappears to his childhood home, namely his dad's old study. It's become somewhat of a heritage site now—the cellar of the great doctor Jaeger, the man who hid his secrets from the interior police for many, many years...
How everything changed the day we found those journals.
I nod to Armin, moving out the door. "Well, I'll take your word for it."
...
I find the lone tree at the top of the hill, surprised to find that I'm not the only Ackerman who's out at this ungodly hour.
Mikasa sits at the base of the tree, her back pressed to the bark. She wraps her red scarf around her face, her eyes closed as she doesn't appear to have sensed my arrival.
She will have, trust me. If there's one thing I know about Ackermans, then that's our keen sense of awareness. She probably heard me approaching from the town.
The girl opens her dark eyes, the moon glinting off their clear surfaces as she watches me carefully.
"Captain," she remarks, not moving from her spot.
I return her acknowledgments. "Mikasa."
Crickets chirp as the two of us lock eyes, trying to read one another. Her lover boy is asleep back at HQ, dreaming about flying on the wings of freedom while she mopes all alone up here, and I have a mind to kick some sense into her.
I have a mind to kick some sense into the both of them.
They're clearly in love, yet they never act on their feelings, forever playing the tragic teen couple.
Not that I should be condoning members of my squad dating, but I'd rather see them happy than miserable. Especially with everything that's going on right now.
It's not like I can be with the one I love anymore...
Images of Historia rush to the fore of my mind, and I shove back memories of her sweet smile, grinding my teeth.
Shit. I came up here to be alone, to wallow in self-pity, but it looks like I'm going to have an audience.
However, Mikasa doesn't look all that interested in me. In fact, she goes back to wallowing in pity herself, wrapping her scarf tighter around her face.
I take note of the many stitch marks on the red material, and it's about time she got herself a new one.
I sigh. "Mind if I join you? Armin said this was a great spot for self-reflection."
She doesn't look up; she just keeps her gaze on the town, her mouth covered by the scarf. "Go ahead."
I lean against the tree beside her, placing my hands inside my pockets, and now we both stare at Shiganshina.
The moon reflects on the lake at the heart of town. It's the site where Bertoldt Hoover transformed into the Colossal three years ago, but now it's become a beautiful, freshwater habitat for all the local birdlife.
Geese and ducks migrate there every year, and how lucky they are to be able to leave the island so freely. The other day I spied a troop of ducklings following their mother along the water, and they made me think of Historia.
She liked cute, fluffy things...
Just like those baby ducks, I imprinted on her, and we truly are meant for each other.
We may be apart now, but Historia and I will always have a bond. When we consummated our marriage down in the underground city, something happened between us, and it was almost magic.
Not that I believe in such childish garbage, but something magical happened between the two of us, and it goes way beyond scientific reasoning.
I know Historia and I will see each other again. The hope that I'll get to live out the rest of my wretched days raising brats with her is one of the only reasons I have to get up of a morning.
She's the only reason why I see any point in this frivolous war. She's who I'm fighting for after all.
As I promised her, she will not consume Zeke Jaeger.
I'll chop the bastard's limbs off before it ever comes down to that, then drop his mangled body onto his grandparents' doorstep.
I should feel shitty about making that last threat. They are elderly, but that same couple was quite happy to let some Marleyan public security officer lie through his teeth about killing their eight-year-old daughter. I swear, if that had been my child, well... I'd have fed the bastard to my own dogs too.
Lately, I've been thinking about what mine and Historia's child would look like. If it were lucky, it would take after her.
Then again, if it were a girl, she'd take after both my mother and Historia, and she'd resemble two of the most beautiful women who've ever lived.
Unless we had a boy, then our son would either look like me, Kenny, or worse... Rod Fucking Reiss...
I know that ugly, giant turkey he'd turned into wasn't really his true form, but he'd been a spineless coward. No son of mine will leave his poor family to the mercy of a titan.
No son of mine would ignore his illegitimate child her entire life, only seeking her out when she became convenient for his master plan.
Whatever our child would look like, it would be part Reiss and part Ackerman. A curious combination of genes indeed.
There's no microscope in the world that can look that closely at DNA, but I know Hange would be very curious about our possible future progeny.
She's been studying inheritance in goddamn peas for years, and many consider her a crackpot. But once we made contact with people from the outside world, many of her theories had been confirmed as correct. She even hypothesized that diseases spread faster because of mutations in the population, and again, correct...
Hange Zoe is definitely one of the most brilliant minds that I have met, and combined with Armin Arlert, they can save us all.
I focus on the dark-haired woman crouching beside me again, looking so snug in her red scarf. It is a pretty chilly night, I suppose.
"So... you come here a lot?"
Tch, small talk, but the silence is killing me. We don't have much time to talk these days. There's just too much happening.
We are distantly related after all. I haven't directly told her yet that I'm a member of the Ackerman Clan. I'm not even sure if she's aware I am.
Mikasa sighs, dragging her scarf away from her face so she can project her voice better. "Yes. It's where Eren and I used to come as kids. We... came here the morning the wall fell to collect firewood."
My back stiffens, and it looks as if I've awakened a painful memory. Wasn't my intention.
"He... had fallen asleep, and I woke him up, asking him why he was crying."
Crap. I've opened a can of worms now. The brat is opening up to me.
I can't back out now, so I go on, probing her some more. "Any idea why he'd been crying?"
She shakes her head. "No. It was a nightmare, but he forgot about it the moment he woke."
A nightmare, hey? Maybe it had been a premonition of some kind about the days' coming events.
I remember that morning well. We just came back from another failed expedition beyond Wall Maria. Keith Shadis screamed at some poor woman on the street, one looking for her son (Moses, I think his name was), and that was around the time he retired from his post as commander.
I was in Erwin's squad back then since he was Captain Erwin in those days.
I remove my back from the tree, making a start down the hill. I don't want to intrude any longer. Seems Mikasa has a hell of a lot more on her mind than I do anyway. May as well give her some privacy.
Just before I descend, she lifts her face, calling after me. "Also... I know, Captain..."
I stop, looking back. She knows what?
She offers me a serious glare. "I know your real last name."
Wind blows between us as I stare at the young woman, keeping my jaw clenched shut. "How did you—?"
"I wasn't hard to figure out."
I shut my eyes. Just when I would rather keep it a secret. I've only ever told Hange, and Historia I told by accident.
I hope Mikasa doesn't think this means she gets special privileges now. I've never been a fan of nepotism. I don't care who you're related to, you have to earn your goddam place in this world. Skipping ladders just to get to the top makes you an even bigger wuss than all those MPs.
A lot of nepotism going on in that regiment, I can assure you.
"Tch, well, don't think this means—"
"I don't think anything, Captain. Makes no difference to me whether you're my first, second, or third cousin. I know who my family are..."
For some reason, her comment stings. The scouts were always considered one big family, but I know she means Eren and Armin.
Fine. If that's how she feels. Not that she wouldn't have earned a top place in my special ops squad anyway, but she'll never be my right-hand woman with that attitude.
"Suit yourself."
I disappear down the hill, glancing back at her briefly. She ties the scarf around her face again, protecting her cheeks from the biting wind, and so much for our Ackerman talk.
...
When I tread the corridors of HQ again, it's gone well past midnight.
Time for a cup of hot tea in my lonely chair...
I haven't been able to sleep since I returned, waking up from restless dreams about Historia.
Even in my brief moments of sleep, she invades my mind, and it really is hopeless. How am I supposed to forget her if her blue eyes keep appearing in my subconscious?
Just as I pass the mess hall, I hear a clamour of voices, wondering who the hell's still up at this hour.
When I stop in the threshold, my weary eyes find Jean, Connie, and Sasha tossing around a potato. Sasha's in the middle, trying to catch it while the guys throw it back and forth, and what is this, a playground?
I snap. "Oi, what are you brats doing out of bed?"
All three stop. Connie fumbles with the potato, and in his haste, he loses his grip. Lucky Sasha catches it in time and shoves it in her mouth, and now she makes a happy squee sound.
Tch.
The three members of my special ops squad stand erect, and for the love of God. I know we no longer have to get up at the crack of dawn to venture into titan country, but that doesn't mean they can stay up all hours, tossing around potatoes.
I offer each of them a baleful look, sounding like their frigging parent. "The three of you. Bed. Now."
They hang their heads, slowly making their way back to their rooms as they mutter their apologies, and seriously, they're eighteen. Not twelve.
I suppose they deserve to have some fun every now and again. They joined the military when they just turned twelve, so none of them have really had a chance to be kids. I guess what I saw was just some repressed playtime.
I sigh, hardly believing what I'm about to say as I pinch the bridge of my nose. "Hold on."
The three of them stop.
I peer around at them. "I guess you can all stay up a little longer."
All at once, their jaws hit the floor, and are they trying to catch flies with those gaping mouths?
"Don't look so surprised now," I say.
Jean's the first to close his mouth. "Are... are you sure, Captain? We were acting a little out of line. Sorry. That's not how a soldier should behave."
Connie scratches his head. "Yeah... we got a little carried away."
"But the potatoes taste good though," Sasha bites her potato again, losing herself in the flavour.
Despite all the Marleyan cuisine she's had, she will always love her potatoes or her meat.
"No, it's fine. Throw all the potatoes you want."
Jean blinks, dumbfounded. "Th-thanks, Captain..."
"That's pretty cool of you," Connie blurts.
"Wanna join us? You can team up with me against these two idiots."
I roll my eyes at the tall girl, moving out the door. "I'll pass, but thanks for the offer, Blouse."
"No, problem sir," she replies.
"If you ever need someone to talk to..." Connie chimes.
"Yeah, don't be a stranger now. We're all here for you if you need anything," Jean says.
I stop halfway across the hall, closing my eyes. I got so caught up in bottling my emotions, I forgot I still had my squad. They're trying to make me feel better. I may keep my true feelings inside, but they know me better than anyone else.
I've been so down lately, pining for Historia, but at least I get to be with my squad again. I can always depend on them after all.
"Thanks. Appreciate it, guys. Just... don't forget to clean up after yourselves."
"Yes, sir!"
A small smile forms over my face as I leave the mess hall. The least I could do. In another few days, they'll be returning to the railroad, helping to develop our small island, so I'll let them fed their childlike egos.
...
Surprise, surprise, Hange's still up when I find her in her office, jotting notes into her journal.
She's been pouring over history books of Eldia that the Volunteers donated to the Corps, and she's determined to find something about Ackermans.
All she's found so far is what we've already determined; The Ackerman Clan were the personal sword to the royal Fritz family.
Four Eyes is becoming rather obsessed with mine and Historia's lineage. She's hypothesized that we've formed a bond—that I've latched on to her as if she were my host, seeing her as someone to protect.
She pretty much hit the bullseye, yet I'm not about to give her the satisfaction of knowing she may be right. I do see Historia as someone I need to protect. There's no doubt in my mind about that.
I'd protect her with my life if I could, but now she's in the hands of the MPs and I hate that I can't be there for her.
I swear if anything happens to her while I'm gone...
Hange has yet to know that Historia and I are married. She has yet to know, too, that we have more than a simple bond now: we have a soul connection.
I think it's best Historia and I keep our nuptials to ourselves. It can be our own little secret.
I've tried to meet her again in that strange place with all the poppies, but I keep failing, and I'm starting to wonder if that one time was just a fluke.
I exhale heavily, dropping into the chair in front of Hange's desk. She grabs her teapot and pours me a cup, and I don't even need to ask.
She finishes writing a sentence in her journal then peers up, and the expression on my face must say it all.
"Rough day?"
As always, I offer her a deadpan stare, my face an emotionless mask, but Hange sees right through me. She presses her mouth into a thin line, chewing the end of her feather quill. It's as I said; she has no idea what to say.
My situation is shitty. No, scratch that. All of our situations are shitty.
We've been trying effortlessly to come up with ways to save the island that doesn't involve Historia becoming a monster, and each time, we've come up short.
Hizuru is trying to help: Kiyomi is trying to convince other nations to have pity on us poor Island Devils, but I don't have a lot of faith in her endeavour. Call it a hunch, but I just have a bad feeling.
"So, any news from Hizuru?" I ask.
Hange sighs, pushing her glasses back up her nose. "Not yet, but hopefully we should hear something soon."
I give my infamous "tch", rubbing the heel of my hand over my eyes. What I really want to know is if she's heard anything from Historia. The two are somewhat close. I'm aware Four Eyes was the first to address Historia by her real name, and the queen has always been grateful.
"Go to bed, Levi. You look exhausted."
I remove my hand from my face, cocking a brow. "I could say the same for you. You hoping an answer to our dilemma will pop out from the pages of that old history book?"
Hange's glasses shine, and crap, I know that look...
"Well, I have a theory..."
I stand, heading out the door. Hange holds out her hand. "Wait! I haven't finished telling you my theory."
"Make it quick. There's a chair with my name on it..."
The 14th Commander of the Survey Corps rises, placing her hands on her desk. "What if Ackermans couldn't be turned into Titans?"
My sleepy eyes bug, and now I whirl around, gawping at her like an idiot. My chin hangs loose. "What?"
Her glasses still aglow, she comes around the table to face me head-on. "Think about it, Levi. If Ackermans, as we postulated, were some type of by-product of titan engineering, then in essence... you are already a titan... in human form..."
A sharp headache splits right down the middle of my skull, and I grab my forehead. "Fuck, Four Eyes. That's some crazy-ass theory..."
She shrugs, moving back to her chair. "It's as I said, it's just a theory, but I've watched you fight for years, Levi... you almost seem..."
My jaw clenches as I growl through my teeth. "Seem what?"
Hange fixes her brown eye on me. "Superhuman."
My heart thumps. Superhuman, huh? Well, I doubt that's the case. I almost starved to death as a child. There's hardly anything super about that.
I exhale. "What do my super abilities have to do with stopping Historia from becoming the next Beast Titan?"
The woman deflates, and I spoke out of turn. I know she has been working hard, liaising with Hizura, and her head must hurt pretty badly. Reading history books may not help us, but so long as they help her find some enjoyment, then who am I to argue?
Erwin always said your greatest ideas come to you when you least expect. So if Hange finds her next Eureka moment while reading about my lineage, fair enough. Let her unconscious brain get to work.
"I'm sorry," I say.
Hange shakes her head, smiling tightly. "No, it's fine. I know you've been stressed. You must miss her after all."
I drop my head, not wanting her to see the grief on my face. My silence says a lot more than words, but she's right. I do miss Historia.
I just want to throw my arms around her, bury her under my cape so I can hide her from the world. But alas, we're miles apart.
She's much closer to the capital than she is with me right now, and I grind my teeth.
"It's okay, Levi. You don't have to say if it makes you uncomfortable. Just know that we are all here for you and Historia. We will do all we can to help her, you mark my word. Historia will not become the next Beast, nor will her children..."
Children? That's right. For Historia to become the next Beast, she will have to bear as many children as she can for the foreseeable future, all just to maintain the power of the Rumbling.
My fists clench. No child of mine will ever become a goddamn titan.
I relax my posture, throwing Hange a quick glance over my shoulder. "Night, Hange."
"Good night, Levi."
When I'm out the door, I head straight for my room. Once inside, I pull off my coat and boots then melt into the chair by the fireplace, forgetting all about tea.
I just want to sleep now.
As I close my eyes, drifting off the moment my head hits the pillow, I dream of a landscape filled with poppies.
Hopefully, I'll meet Historia there.
AN: Thank you for reading and being patient with me these last few months. You had to understand why I waited: RivaHisu could have sunk like the titanic (although I would have gladly gone down with it) but it didn't in the end, and I think the anime left so much open-ended. Have a read of my Tumblr post to see all the points I made about this ship after 139: post/648018309190664192/why-i-still-ship-rivahisu-after-139
My friends have great RivaHisu posts too on Tumblr, like rivahisu107, Key Kkagii, and Soron Rocket, so check them out.
I have so much planned for this fic. I have outlined most of it already. I will be posting fortnightly between my other RivaHisu fanfic Wilted Rose. I know no big reveal came of Hisu's baby in the end, but we can still use our imaginations.
I see Levi and Mikasa finally had that Ackertalk then. Didn't go down well 😂
See you in two weeks