I woke up on a hard surface under bright lights. I pushed myself up and rubbed my eyes to see I was in the round enclosure I had been prior. I took a moment and ran through everything I remembered. My shoulders fell when my memory seemed to get fuzzy around the 5th word. I knew I had switched into the super solider mode, but I had no idea what happened.
I looked around and saw everything at peace and nothing broken so I was thankful for that much. I was free of my restraints and I was laying down on a long slab. It reminded me of my cell at HYDRA's base, but I quickly removed that thought from my mind. I had a soft blanket draped over me, but other than that not a scratch on any thing or even myself.
I sat up and crossed my legs and my head felt a million pounds. I tried to rub out the tension, but it didn't work. Frankly, I hadn't expected it to. I groaned in frustration because I knew I had failed. I only hoped I didn't make a fool of myself anymore than I already had today. That thought I could only be hopeful for.
"Tony?" I said in a strained small voice. Silence followed. "Bruce?"
"Are you awake?" I heard Bruce's voice over the intercom in my cell.
"Yeah." I said with an exhale.
"What's your name?" He asked me.
"Uhm, Valerie?" I replied confused.
"Who am I?" He asked me.
"Bruce?" I replied back not understanding his line of questioning.
"Am I an enemy or ally?" He asked.
"Depends what color you are." I said resting my elbows on my knees. "Can I go home now?"
"Alright give me a second and I'll let you out." He said and I just looked down.
I played with my fingers desperately hoping I would get an explanation as to what happened. I wanted to ask, but I also was exhausted. Whenever they would use those words I would be tired for days after even if they let me actually rest. I heard the door unlock and I saw Bucky standing there looking stolid, but his eyes told a different story.
"Let's go." He said flatly and I couldn't read his tone.
"Where's Tony?" I asked getting to my feet with shaky legs.
"He went home." He said coldly. "Let's go."
"Why did he go home?" I asked softly trying to read his emotions.
"Valerie it's 4 AM. Let's go." He said coldly.
I stared at him knowing he was upset about something. I wanted to ask what, but I wasn't going to do it here. Not only did I not want to have this conversation in front of everyone, but much less in front of Tony's equipment. Clearly, I made enough of a mess of myself today, I didn't need to make it any worse.
I followed and walked out of the chamber and out onto the outside portion and Bucky followed behind me. Without a word he led me to the elevators where we got in and he pressed the floor to the lobby. I got in and stood with my back pressed against the far wall and he just stood in front of the buttons. He wouldn't even look at me he just stood coldly with his arms crossed.
I watched as we descended down to the lobby and we exited the elevator. People watched us as we left, but didn't say a word. The doorman opened the door for us and I could hear the sounds of rain. I looked to see the streets around us covered in a heavy rain.
I stopped in my tracks for just a moment to look at it. Things were dry on the sidewalk due to the large overhang. Things were quite warm and I had realized I had no idea what season this was. I had no recollection of the day either. I watched the news, but not necessarily the normal news. I wasn't getting the news that gave you weather and the lotto numbers, I was interested in the global crisis news.
Bucky walked towards a car but turned around when he saw me he stopped. He didn't say anything for a long moment, he just watched me. I was fascinated by how everything looked and smelt. I wasn't often to got to go outside and see things like this so I was mesmerized.
"What are you doing?" He asked me.
"It's pretty." I said.
He exhaled and just opened the car door for me to get in. I peeled my eyes away from the rain and back to him. I just lowered my head and got in. I saw down in the fancy vehicle clearly a vehicle of Tony's rather than just a taxi.
Bucky walked around the side of the car and got in next to me. I reached around and put on my seatbelt and just looked out the window. We pulled forward and I knew the drive would be short. The two towers were not horribly far away from each other so I'd only have to sit in awkward silence for just a little while longer.
Bucky was just sat there still as a statue. Tony had left me there because he was probably upset. Now Bucky was hardly speaking to me because he was upset. As upsetting as it was, I now had a benchmark for what I needed to work on. I knew I started to lose my memory and control around the 5th word. Next time I just needed to do better.
"You're upset with me." I said looking to him frankly not caring if the driver heard.
"Yes, I am." He said not even turning to look at me.
"Why?" I asked gently.
"Do you have to ask?" He said looking straight forward. I could see the tower ahead of us so we couldn't have to elude the driver to our whole conversation.
"If you wanted me to get better, you'd be happy for me." I said looking at him.
I felt the car come to a stop and he just looked at me. His nostrils were flaring and I knew I was pushing it, but it wasn't fair. He got out of the car and he came around to my side and opened the door. I got out and just followed him.
I knew he was angry, but I knew I was right. Maybe this was too soon, but it wasn't his life who was on the line. Fury already trusted him to walk freely and go on missions. I couldn't walk out my front door without a chaperone. I wanted freedom, whether it be from HYDRA or my own mind.
I followed him into the building and we went up another elevator and I could see the sleep in his eyes. Clearly he had missed out on sleep, but it was rare he slept anyways. In the week or so I'd been here he'd only slept maybe 3 times. He was with me or standing guard every night so unless he slept during the day, he wasn't one to sleep often.
We both stood in the elevators as I started to feel the cold wrap around me. He refused to look at me again, but I could tell he was angry. I hated being this angered with him, but just wasn't understanding why I needed to try.
We made it to the floor I had been staying on. We walked down the halls and I could just hear how quiet everything was. He opened my door and I walked in. I turned to say something to him, but he was started to close the door.
"What are you doing?" I asked him stopping the door from shutting.
"Standing guard." He said flatly.
"Bucky come on, at least talk to me." I said and he just shook his head.
"Go to bed." He said coldly.
"Bucky I understand you don't like what I did, but why are you shutting me out? No one has even told me what happened." I said and clearly I was raising my voice.
He frustrated looked to me and came inside the room. He slammed the door behind him and I jumped back. I could see he was fighting with what words to say. My eyebrows furrowed as I looked to him. He tried to speak, but the words just seemed caught in his own throat. I stood there waiting for something, but he just walked towards the big window in my living room.
"Bucky I'm sorry okay, I know you didn't want me to, but I'm scared I'll fail." I said and he just stood frozen. "I have everything on the line."
I was getting angry. I was exhausted and in pain enough as it was. I was tired of having to feel bad about this like I wasn't just doing what's best for me. After being stuck away for years I was doing something to better myself because that's all I could do.
"Bucky, just tell me the truth." I said raising my voice. "Do you even care about what I want?"
He flipped around and I saw tears falling from his face. I stood there silent unsure of what to even say. I didn't like to see him like this, but it had just caught me off guard.
"I do care about you, but seeing you like that... seeing you just empty, saying that we were the enemy, acting like you hated us and calling me a traitor, I just wasn't ready for that, to see you like that." He screamed out and I just stood there cold.
"Bucky..." I said softly.
"Go to bed." I heard him say weakly turning away from me again.
"Bucky please..." I begged but he was already walking towards the door.
"Goodnight Valerie." He said before slamming the door almost just as quickly as he came in.
I jumped as the door shut and my rand rose to my mouth. I could just now see the sun coming over the sky line, but I was filled with guilt and confusion. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I didn't want to make this any harder than it had to be but clearly I was going to have to.
I took myself and my guilt to my room to pray I could sleep this away and forget anything had happened.
•
I woke and I immediately was met with Tony sitting in my kitchen. I walked out in a oversized hoodie and he was in casual clothes as well. He was playing with something on his phone until he saw me walk out.
"I picked you up your old favorite." He said holding up a bag.
"What is it?" I asked walking out.
"Essa Bagel. We used to go there every Friday morning." He said and I took the bag cautiously.
"Thank you." I said softly. I walked across from him and started to open up the bagel slowly.
"Does everyone hate me after yesterday or just Bucky?" I asked looking up to him.
"No one hates you Val." He said with a sigh.
"No one wanted me to do what I did yesterday. I get it." I said unwrapping the white take out bag.
"We don't want to see you break. I know remembering is hard enough, but adding this onto that isn't the best of ideas." He said. I pulled out the small round wrapped bagel.
"I want to go back and try again." I said avoiding eye contact.
"Valerie you were completely gone yesterday, the person we spoke to had no idea who we were." He said. "Well you did know us, but not in a good way."
"I'm going to eat this bagel and after I'm going to go try again." I said looking to him before I started to eat.
"You're going to give me grey hair kid." He said covering his face.
"You already have grey hair." I said and he eyed me.
"Rude." He said pointing at me. "I seriously can't let you do that."
"Then let Banner do it. You're not the one who has to live as a prisoner of their own mind." I said adamantly and I took a bite of food. "I blacked out after 5 words so I'll shoot for 6."
"You're going to torture yourself." He said with a huff.
"I've been through much worse." I said shrugging. I had to admit this bagel was absolutely amazing.
"I think you're pushing yourself." He said with a sigh.
"I know, as I have these memories come back it's just showing me that I have a job I need to get back to. HYDRA isn't the only bad guy out there and I need to be getting stronger." I said continuing to each.
"That's not your focus right now." He said looking to me.
"Says who?" I asked.
"Someone who loves you." He said firmly.
"I just don't want to be stuck like this anymore. I'm not trusted, I'm dangerous, and I feel like a mess. I know I said I didn't but I want my life back." I said looking at him with hopeful eyes. "I don't expect you understand, but I need help. I have help and I know that, but the only person who was okay with me doing this hates my guts."
"I'll support you, but I'm always going to worry about you." He said and I nodded.
"That's all I can ask for." I said shrugging.
"What's going on with Bucky? I though he hated you, but he seemed pretty upset yesterday." He said and I looked up to meet his eyes.
"I don't know." I said shrugging again.
"You're not a very good liar." He said taking another bite of his own bagel.
"I don't know Tony, really." I said avoiding eye contact.
"He was ready to destroy my lab out of anger." He said crossing his arms.
"He has anger problems, that's not new information even for me." I said finishing the first half of my food.
"Is something going on?" He asked me and I made eye contact with him.
"There's nothing going on." I said flatly not really ready to be lying about this.
"Good." He said not sounding to convinced, but he at least didn't push any further. "Are you sure you really want to do this again so soon?"
"I am." I said nodding.
"Alright I'll page Bruce and have Steve take you over." He said with a firm nod.