Conversation
The following days were stressful, Bailey was slowly beginning to speak more but was still distant at times, however, she did venture out of her room more often than she had been which was promising. TK and Carlos had had numerous conversations about what they should do about her ever-present separation anxiety, a growing concern amongst not only them but also the rest of the 126 and they could see that it Bailey was beginning to get frustrated with it herself. This fact was the final straw that pushed TK and Carlos to finally sit down and have the conversation with her, it was time to talk.
"Bails, can you come down here please?" TK called, standing at the base of the stairs.
"Coming!" Bailey called back from her room.
Carlos looked up from where he'd been situating himself on the couch. TK hadn't moved from the banister yet, still leaning on it, one leg tucked behind the other.
"Babe, come over here and sit with me. She'll be down in a minute." He said.
TK looked up the stairs and nodded. He walked into the living room and sat down next to Carlos, why was he having such a hard time with this?
"Are you okay?" Carlos asked.
TK shrugged.
"Yeah," He said. "At least, I think I am."
Carlos arched a brow.
"Are you sure?" He asked.
"Yeah," TK said again. "It's just a conversation, one that I've been on the receiving end probably one too many times. I know how this goes."
Bailey's footsteps sounded through the house as she hopped down the steps. Carlos took a drink of his water as he pondered TK's words. He knew that Owen had had this very conversation with TK numerous times but he also knew that the majority of the times that the conversation occurred, TK ended up at Carlos' doors either in tears or fuming.
"Yeah, that's not comforting." Carlos muttered, shifting in his seat.
TK looked over at Carlos to ask why but Bailey plopped into the seat adjacent to them, effectively ending the moment for questions.
"What's up?" Bailey asked, tucking her feet up under her as she got comfortable.
Carlos cleared his throat before beginning.
"We wanted to talk to you about the past couple of weeks. We know that it's been stressful with the move and then the raid so we wanted to check in." He said.
Bailey nodded, Carlos had noticed how she'd tensed at the mention of the raid, it was still a twitchy subject for her.
"I'm," Bailey hesitated. "Working through it."
"You are," TK said, jumping in. "And we can see that. But we want you to maybe start talking about things, if you're comfortable. It doesn't have to be to us, or even somebody that we know but talking does help."
Bailey nodded, her eyes dropping to her lap.
"Bails," Carlos said. "Mija, would that be something you'd be willing to do?"
Bailey bit the inside of her cheek nervously. She knew that she would eventually have to talk to somebody about what happened and she'd be lying if she said that memories and feelings from what happened to her parent's hadn't begun to surface. Bailey gave a small nod before looking up.
"Yeah," She said. "I think so."
TK nodded.
"It's okay if you're not ready yet sweetheart. We just wanted to let you know that when you are ready, we're here for whatever you need," He said. "We have the numbers of a couple people that you could talk to if you want to take that route but in the end it's all up to you."
Bailey smiled.
"I know," She said standing from her chair and moving to sit in between TK and Carlos. Carlos wrapped his arm loosely around her shoulders and TK did the same. "Thank you."
TK smiled.
"You don't need to thank us Bailey," TK said. "We will always be here for you."
✵✵✵
Bailey lay awake in her bed; she'd been doing better about sleeping away from TK and Carlos the past number of nights and she was proud of her progress but tonight she felt that incessant pull in her chest. The one that longed for the reassurance of a presence, a need for safety net. Bailey flopped onto her back and pushed the heels of her hands into her eyes.
"No," She breathed. "I'll work through it on my own tonight, I'm fine."
She pushed herself out of bed, pulling on sweats and a sweatshirt over her pajama shorts and big t-shirt, she also slipped on her slippers before quietly walking down the stairs and slipping out the back door. She wouldn't stay out for long, well aware of the chill that could give her some trouble, but a few minutes wouldn't hurt and the fresh air felt nice compared to the air in her room. She curled into one of the outdoor chairs and tilted her head back to take in the stars, tracking them with her eyes, mapping future paintings in her head. She didn't remember much about her parents; she'd only been three when they were killed so it wasn't surprising but sometimes she swore she could feel memories floating in the back of her head. The smell of her mom's perfume when she'd come to get Bailey out of her room in the morning, or the feel of her father's stubble when she'd run her hands on his face after he got home from work. Why could she only remember aspects but not their faces? Never their faces. She had a picture of them but it hurt that she didn't have her own memories to look back on, that she had to rely on a fading photograph that she'd had to print from the obituary in a newspaper when she was older. Bailey knew that she shouldn't blame people for her parent's death, but she did, she blamed the people who broke in that night, she blamed the police officers for not getting their faster. The worst though, was that she blamed her parents for trying to get to her instead of staying in their bedroom. If they'd just stayed put then maybe they would have been spared. They had made it to her bedroom, she'd been told, they'd made it, picked her up but then the robbers had found them, shot her parents making Bailey's father drop her, fracturing her spine and setting into motion the rest of her hellish existence. Did that make her a horrible person, to blame her parents for their own deaths, for leaving her in the world alone?
Bailey bit the inside of her check, words wanting to leap from her throat. She swallowed hard before closing her eyes softly and exhaling.
"Hey mom, dad," She began. "It's been a while, um, I guess I should catch you up on what's been happening with me..."
✵✵✵
Carlos' eyes peeled open and he groaned. It was still dark out, why was he awake. As his body started to move around he started to register faint talking. He looked around for a moment, confused. He looked over and saw TK sprawled out next to him breathing evenly, his mouth hanging open slightly. Carlos pushed himself up and shuffled over to where the window was cracked. The neighbors, he thought, they must be up late. He glanced out, expecting to see their porch lights on but he was surprised when it was in fact their own lights on and when he angled his head he saw Bailey sitting in one of the lawn chairs, talking and looking at the sky. Carlos opened the window just a bit more and watched, he didn't know why but she looked to be working over something and he was curious.
"They're right," Bailey said. "I need to talk, I guess it should probably be to somebody who can actually respond, but it seems easier to talk to you. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy to think that you're actually listening but it makes me feel a little better about it all I guess. You would really like them, TK and Carlos, I mean. At least, I'd like to think you would."
Carlos furrowed his brow. Was she talking to her parents?
"I still try and remember you guys. I know that I have that picture but it's not the same. I remember mom's perfume, and dad's beard," Bailey laughed to herself. "I know that it's wrong but a part of me is still mad about everything that happened that night. I don't really remember it, the whole trauma blocking thing, but, it's been really hard to grow up without you guys. I try my hardest every day to make you proud, I can only hope that what I'm doing is enough."
Carlos leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes with a sigh. He should have realized that the raid would raise feelings from Bailey's past. His thoughts were interrupted when he noticed the porch light had turned off. He looked briefly and saw that Bailey was headed inside and though it was late he wanted to make sure that she was okay so he made his way out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Bailey saw him before he made it all the way down.
"Oh, hey," She said quietly. "I didn't mean to wake you up."
Carlos shook his head.
"Don't worry about it," He said taking a seat on the stairs and patting the space next to him. "Come sit down."
Bailey slowly walked over and sat down.
"I uh, I heard some of what you said outside." Carlos said, tucking his chin into his shoulder and looking at Bailey.
Bailey looked over at him.
"You did?" She asked.
"I didn't mean to listen in," Carlos said. "I just heard talking and went to the window to see who it was and you were down on the patio."
Bailey nodded.
"It's okay." She said.
Carlos nodded.
"You know that they're proud of you right?" He said catching Bailey's attention. "You are so strong and brave and you've been through so much and they couldn't help but be proud of you. Even more proud of you than TK and I could ever be because they know that they put you here. Your situation may suck but you do an amazing job making the best of it."
Bailey looked up at Carlos, tears in her eyes.
"You think so?" She asked.
Carlos nodded.
"Yeah," He said. "I know so."
Bailey curled into Carlos' side and he held her tightly. It took a while for her to calm down but soon her cries turned into hiccups and shaky breaths.
"Let's get you back to bed." Carlos said helping Bailey up and together they walked to Bailey's room.
Bailey pulled off her sweatshirt and climbed back into bed. Carlos pulled the covers over her and smiled.
"Good night, mija." He said.
Carlos stood to walk out of the
"Carlos?" Bailey said, stopping Carlos in his tracks.
Carlos turned back to her.
"Yeah mija?" He asked.
"Could we call one of those therapists in the morning?" Bailey asked. "I think I'm ready to talk to somebody."
"Of course mija," Carlos said. "We'll call first thing in the morning."
Bailey smiled, pulling the comforter closer and cuddling deeper into her bed.
"Good night." She said.
"Good night." Carlos smiled, pulling her bedroom door shut.