Art is my shot of sanity. It had saved my life countless times over. It filled the hollow of what I couldn't articulate through actions.
Kaya kahit ayaw ni daddy na nakikita akong gumagawa ng mga bagay na may kinalaman sa arts, palihim ko pa ring ginagawa. Because when I don't use this gift of mine, being able to express myself through arts, I go insane.
Am I despicable for not obeying my father?
Am I selfish for doing the things he told me not to do?
Am I bad for not respecting his decision for me?
Minsan 'yan 'yung mga tanong na sumasagi sa isip ko sa tuwing ginagawa ko ang mga bagay na makakapagpasaya sa akin. Pakiramdam ko, sobrang maling sumuway.
Pero minsan, gusto ko ring maging matapang na gawin 'yung bagay na gusto ko talaga. Gusto kong magdesisyon para sa sarili ko. Dahil ang pagsuway ang nagpapasaya sa akin.
Kahit ito na lang.
Kahit dito na lang ako malaya.
Ipinatong ko ang hawak na acrylic palette sa aking mga binti at sumandal sa upuan habang pinagmamasdan ang ipininta ko. I painted myself with my new friends.
There's Josh and Tristan who I painted like they're being makulit. Si Alex na nagpapa-cute habang nakasukbit ang braso kay Kiara kahit mas matangkad siya rito. And Kiara doing the same to me. Tapos sa tabi ko ay ang matangkad na si Liam.
He's smiling on the portrait because he always does. I always see him smiling. Pakiramdam ko nga ay hindi na mabubuo ang araw ko kapag hindi ko nakita ang matingkad niyang ngiti.
We look happy amidst the green garden. Above us is the blue sky with the soft accents of white. There's also Pascal near us.
Napahigpit ang hawak ko sa acrylic palette na hawak dahil sa sayang nadarama. Whenever I reminisce about the day they visited me here to celebrate my birthday, I couldn't help but feel kilig. Nakakatuwang isipin na mayroon na akong bagong mga kaibigan.
"Hi, beautiful. What made you happy today?"
Napalingon ako sa nagsalita sa likod ko. It's Liam. He'slooking at me with that contagious smile lifted on his tender lips. Tila kanina pa siya roon na pinagmamasdan ako dahil nakasandal siya sa threshold ng pintuan habang nakahalukipkip. His ankles were crossed, too.
When he averted his gaze from my face to the portrait in front of me, that's when I look at his wholeness. He's wearing a light pink oversized shirt and black shorts. His hair is quite disheveled but it looks so fine naman.
Liam is the type of man who can pull off anything and he will be as gorgeous as he is. It's natural to him to be gwapo all the time.
Ang ganda siguro ng genes ng mommy at daddy niya. I want to see them tuloy. I'm curious on how they look like.
"Can I enter?" tanong niya, dahil siguro hindi niya makita nang mabuti ang kabuuan ng canvas.
Tumango ako at hinayaan siyang umupo sa tabi ko. Medyo umusog lang ako upang makita niya nang maayos ang canvas ngunit sobrang lapit lang ng pagitan namin. I could smell him.
He really smells like a baby.
"Why are you smiling?"
"Ha?" Sinalubong ko ang tingin ni Liam na nakatitig na sa akin ngayon.
Medyo nakataas ang kilay niya pero hindi siya mukhang masungit. In fact, there was an amused expression on his face. But he's fighting it by biting his lower lip.
"You're zoning out while staring at me. And you're smiling."
My cheeks heated in embarrassment. "Uhm... nothing."
I heard a soft chuckle. "Okay."
"Okay?" I asked, frowning.
"Okay." He shrugged then pointed the canvas using his lips. "You know how to paint, huh?"
I chuckled. Dahil mukha siyang namamangha.
Sa tagal na niyang nakatira rito, ngayon pa lang niya ako nakitang magpinta. Puro sketching kasi ang ipinapakita ko sa kaniya. Kaya siguro ganiyan na lang ang reaksyon niya.
"Uhm... I rarely paint talaga. But when I do, I do it by heart. Sometimes, to restore a happy memory. Sometimes, to alleviate my sadness." I shrugged off my shoulder. "It depends on what I feel."
"And now you're happy..."
"Yup!" I enthusiastically claimed, emphasizing the p. "And that's all because of you."
Ngumiti ako at tumitig sa mga mata niya. I want him to know how sincere I am for being grateful for him.
"Hindi pa ako nakakapagpasalamat sa 'yo nang maayos so thank you, Liam. Thank you for inviting them over. Thank you because they became my friends."
Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. "Always, Vivienne."
I lifted a lopsided grin. Super bait talaga niya.
"Do you want me to paint you?" I asked.
Medyo tumaas ang kilay niya. "Right now?"
"Yeah?"
Kinagat niya ang ibaba niyang labi at napababa ang tingin sa suot. I slightly frown and looked at his getup, too. I couldn't see anything wrong naman. Super fresh looking niya nga, e. Parang hindi uso sa kaniya ang salitang haggard.
"You look so gwapo naman," I commented. "What's wrong?"
"I think I need to change. I want your portrait to be perfect."
"It will be perfect because you're perfect, Liam."
Mukha siyang natigilan sa sinabi ko. 'Yung reaksyon sa mukha niya, hindi ko maintindihan.
"What?" tanong ko nang hindi siya magsalita at nanatili lang na nakatitig sa akin.
He scrunched his nose and shook his head before standing up. "Give me five minutes," aniya bago lumabas ng room ko.
I pouted. Siguro ay hindi siya comfortable na ipinta ko siya na ganoon ang suot. I wonder what he will be wearing. Ang gwapo niya na nga kahit walang effort tapos ngayong mag-e-effort pa siya. Ano na lang ang mangyayari?
I chuckled with what I thought of and decided to clean my stuff while waiting for him. Maingat kong itinabi sa isang gilid ang canvas ng friendship portrait na ipininta ko kanina. Kasama na no'n ang iba pang canvas kung saan ko ipininta sina Ate Nory, Ate Terry, Manang Terentina, Kuya Jomar, Pascal, sina mom and dad, at si Kuya Hans. There's also the portrait of my mother.
I smiled and took another canvas to put on the wood easel stand. I clean the dry paints on my acrylic palette and brushes. Matapos no'n ay pinosisyon ko ang wooden bar stool kung saan uupo si Liam mamaya.
"Is this okay?"
Napalingon ako kay Liam. He's still outside my room as if he will go back to his room once I won't approve of his look.
He's wearing a dark green sweater. Ang right sleeve ay hanggang siko habang ang left sleeve ay hanggang forearm. He paired it with black pants and white shoes. But his hair looks the same. It's quite disheveled but it looks so great in him.
Super simple pero super gwapo.
"It's great! But are you comfortable wearing that?"
"Hmm..." He nodded.
"Then it is okay!"
Nahihiya siyang ngumiti at napahawak sa kaniyang batok kaya humalakhak ako at nilapitan siya upang hilahin siya papunta sa upuang nakalaan sa kaniya.
Nang makaupo siya, pinakiusapan ko siyang isandal ang paa sa foot ring habang ang isa ay mananatili sa sahig. Nakangiti naman siyang sinunod iyon habang pinanonood akong ayusin ang buhok niya para mas makita ang mukha niya sa anggulong gusto ko.
The soft curls of his hair is black but now that I'm closer, I can see that it's dark brown.
"Can you please act like your fixing your wristwatch or something? But be comfortable."
"Okay, Ma'am."
"Liam! Don't Ma'am me!"
He chuckled and did what I say. He looks so cool now.
Nakangiti akong naupo sa aking upuan, ipinuwesto ang sarili sa pagpipinta. "I love the light coming in through from the window. What do you want? Looking at it or looking at me?"
"Looking at you."
I smiled. "Okay, then. You're ready?"
He smiled, too. "Ready."
I nodded and started sketching lines where his figure is going to go, paying close attention to the top of his head as well as his chin to make sure I have enough space for everything below.
I get the right angle and correct position for his eyes, nose, mouth, and ears. Then I add paint and block in the major planes of the face of the portrait using the flat edge of the dagger bristle brush in my hand. I keep the combinations of hues simple and clean.
It's a very strange sensation but whenever I paint somebody's portrait, I always feel like I know them just a little bit better.
"It's a bit of a slow process because I'm building the portrait up one tile at a time. You can tell me if you want to move or something, okay?"
Sinilip ko siya sa likod ng canvas at nakitang ganoon pa rin ang posisyon, tila hindi talaga nagalaw. Siya itong mas matanda sa amin ngunit feeling ko, siya ang super masunurin.
"Okay."
"Okay," sabi ko at muling tumingin sa canvas.
I've dropped the tone of his eye with a bit of ultramarine blue and burnt umber. I also used a little bit of cobalt teal and titanium white for the sheen on the front of the eyeball. Nakatitig siya sa akin kaya sa tuwing nililingon ko ang mga mata niya, hindi ko mapigilang ngumiti.
After I polished up the area of his ocean eyes, thick eyebrows, and curled eyelashes, I proceed to his strong and masculine jawline then to his sulky mouth. As a general rule of thumb, I start in loose and blocky then work my way to the specifics.
When I'm happy with how it looks, I map the tones around his face, hair, and sweater. Then add a material to the background, increasing the depth of its color using my palette knife. And re-work it with a brush to get nice brush marks.
"Wow. That ring looks so nice." Napatigil ako sa pagpipinta para punahin ang singsing na nasa hintuturo ng kaniyang kaliwang kamay.
He bowed his head to look at it with a small smile lifted on his lips. "Mom gave this to me."
Nginitian ko siya. "I will highlight that here."
"Thank you."
Nagpatuloy ang kamay ko sa pagpipinta, papalit-palit ang tingin sa portrait at sa kaniya. "You miss her, don't you?"
"I always miss her."
"Can... uhm... can you tell me more about her?"
Natigilan siya ngunit pinilit niya ang sariling hindi iyon ipakita sa akin gamit iyong ngiti niya. He's listing a soft but sad smile to keep his tough facade. But that can't fool me.
He was here for several months and I already know how bright his smile is whenever he's happy. I know the difference of it and what he's giving me right now.
Kilala ko na ang ngiti niya.
"Only if it's okay with you. Hindi ko ipipilit if hindi ka comfortable," dagdag ko at ipinagpatuloy ang pagpipinta.
I don't like seeing him masking his emotions because it's pinching my soul, it's aching my heart.
Nanatili siyang tahimik bago ko marinig ang malalim niyang buntong hininga, tila may naiisip na isang bagay na hindi niya sinasang-ayunan. When he cleared his throat, after making himself bubbly again, he started telling kwento.
"My mother is the loveliest person I've ever met. She has blue eyes. Beyond any doubt, I got mine from her."
He chuckles. 'Yung saya niya ngayon ay umaabot hanggang mata niya, hindi tulad kanina. Siguro naiisip niya ngayon ang mommy niya.
Seeing him happy gives me comfort. It makes me happy, too
"Whenever she smiles, dimples appear on her cheeks. I love it when she smiles... because it means everything is alright."
I also do, Liam. I love it when you smile... because it makes me feel at ease.
I smiled and continued painting him. Lalo na ngayong nakangiti siya. Inayos ko ang ipininta kanina. Mas lalo kong pinatingkad ang ngiti niya at ang saya sa mga mata niya, reflecting how he looks like right now.
"She knows how to play the piano. I always watch her graceful fingers whenever she plays and the sound from it is music to my ears, my lullaby. She cooks delicious food, especially my favorite sinigang na baboy."
I chuckle. Natutuwa talaga ako tuwing nagsasalita siya sa Tagalog. His accent sounds so adorable.
"She sews and knits well. She also knows how to draw... and paint. She's a very talented person like you."
Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya, nagtama ang mga mata namin. And it seems like the world still. I even felt something, like a rush of excitement, on my stomach. It's so bizarre that I couldn't name it.
But everything is so bright... just like his smile.
"I talk with her about everything in the world because she always listens to me. We don't have secrets from each other. She's my best friend. She's the kindest. And I love her so much."
"I'm very sure that she also loves you so much."
"If she loves me, she won't leave me."
In a matter of seconds, muling unti-unting naglaho ang ngiti niya. Then he bowed his head... as if he's hiding his face from me... as if he doesn't want me to see him... crying silently.
And it breaks my heart.
It's like there's a gaping hole in my chest and I'm getting ripped open from the inside out.
Dali-dali kong binitawan ang hawak na acrylic pallette at paint brush, at agad na tumayo para daluhan at lapitan siya. Kahit nakatayo ako sa harapan niya at nakaupo siya, mas matangkad pa rin siya.
I lifted my arms, to give him a hug, to comfort him, but my hands are dirty. Puro pintura ang mga iyon at ayokong madumihan siya.
Napanguso ako at nag-squat upang makita ang mukha niya. Tears are cascading down his cheeks and even if my hands are dirty, I couldn't help but wipe them. Dahil hindi bagay sa asul niyang mga mata ang may luha.
I used the back of my hands to wipe them and tried to give him a smile. "She might not be here with you but she didn't leave you. She's there in your heart. She's still part of your life. You... we... will still celebrate her."
Mula sa pagkakatungo, inangat niya ang ulo niya at umayos ng pagkakaupo. Tinitigan niya ako sa mga mata... mga matang may bahid pa rin ng kumikislap na luha.
"Not because she's not here with you, she also lost her love for you."
"Salamat, Vivienne," napapaos niyang bulong. "Salamat dahil nandito ka."
"The only appreciation I will accept is your smile. Kaya smile na, Liam."
Medyo napanguso siya, parang nagpipigil ng ngiti ngunit hindi rin nakayanan at talagang ngumiti na. I grinned and jumped to embrace him without even thinking. Pareho kaming nagulat dahil doon.
Bigla ring bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko. It's beating on sync, loud and crazy. I suddenly felt scared because he might hear it or feel it so I planned to pull myself back.
Ngunit bago pa ako makalayo, naramdaman ko ang braso niyang pumulupot sa katawan ko, yumakap din sa akin.
"I'm dirty," nakanguso kong litanya.
He chuckled. "Are you done with the portrait?"
"Yeah..."
"Then let's get dirty."
"What?"
He slightly pulled himself back. Magsasalita pa lang sana ako nang bigla niyang pinahiran ang pisngi ko ng pintura mula sa kamay ko!
"Hey!"
Humalakhak siya... at medyo natulala ako roon kaya hindi ako nakagalaw. Kaya nilagyan niya ulit ang kabilang pisngi ko ng pintura.
"You're getting makulit na ha! Come here, lalagyan din kita!"
He playfully ran away from me. Tapos ay kumuha siya ng paint refill para lagyan ang mga daliri niya, naghahandang lagyan ulit ako. I also did the same. Hanggang sa naghabulan kami sa kwarto ko para dumihan ang isa't isa.
Dumating din si Pascal kaya mas lalong naging madumi... at masaya. Wala siyang ibang ginawa kung hindi ang makihabol at tumahol dahil nasama siya sa paglalaro namin.
Dati ay nalulungkot ako dahil pakiramdam ko sobrang laki ng kwarto ko para sa akin. Ngunit, ngayon, nagpapasalamat na ako... dahil naiba ang narrative.
Because now, this room is full of colorful hues from the paints we smear to each other, laughter from Liam and me, and soft barks from Pascal.
My mentor in the art class before told me something I couldn't forget. He said, we put so much more into our paintings when we paint those people who inspire us, people we know personally, people we know well. So if I want more of that to come back out of the canvas, I should paint who I know and paint who inspires me.
But I want to add something.
I want to paint people who make me smile.
Just like that man with ocean eyes.
Napatigil ako sa paglalagay ng pintura sa mga daliri ko at sumulyap kay Liam na tumatawa kasama si Pascal. Magkakampi silang dalawa at tila nagpaplano kung paano ako lalagyan ng pintura.
A smile escaped my lips.
Panigurado at walang duda, palaging si Liam ang paksa ng sining ko.