And so he knocks.
He keeps at it, but then he soon realizes that because his phone is in such close proximity to his hand, Yibo will be unable to tell just how hard or how softly he is knocking. And so he reduces his effort, since the last thing that he wants right now is for either of his parents to actually come down to let him in, since this will interrupt his call with Yibo.
For a little while there is nothing but silence between them, but Xiao Zhan's heart is too full to speak anyway and so he just basks in the current circumstance.
He cannot help though but wonder, if Yibo calling him in this way will be a one time only event?
He wants to outrightly ask him if he has been unblocked, indefinitely, but once again he doesn't dare. Everything is still so delicate between them that he fears that the wrong word or statement will instantly send him back to the throes of trying to survive his wounded heart.
So he remains silent, beyond content in the not so simple or easy reality that Yibo is on the other end of the line.
"I..."Yibo suddenly speaks. Softly."For the record... I don't fault you for not responding to me back then. About your stance when it comes to me. It's not your fault that I lost faith. You also lost faith in me."
"And for scolding me. I- I deserved it."
At these words, Xiao Zhan sighs, and once again turns around to lean against the door. He gazes up at the sky and wonders about just what he has to say to make Yibo overcome this stamp of unworthiness branded in his mind.
"Yibo, I can't be completely absolved from fault either. Sure, I was upset that you weren't there for me, but I could have asked you to be. And given you the chance to either accept or reject my request. But I didn't. I pushed you away, and then I resented you for not coming after me."
Silence.
"I should have come after you," Yibo mutters.
"You did," Xiao Zhan says."When you realized what you truly wanted."
Yibo goes quiet again after this, so Xiao Zhan lowers back to sit on the ledge for some comfort, willing to take every bit of his time in addressing these delicate issues between them.
He knows what is still plaguing Yibo, and it is the fact that Yibo's selfish desire for him is what has led them down this dangerous path. And to him, now, it is no longer a reason worthy enough to justify the risk of continuing with it.
"Yibo,"Xiao Zhan says."I want you to be selfish. I want you to fight for me. "
Yibo still doesn't respond, and so Xiao Zhan explains further.
"You know Mei li right? My childhood friend? You called her when you wanted to reach me at Li Ping's home."
"Mn,"Yibo replies.
"We used to be in a relationship. She was the first person I ever dated."
He waits a bit for a reaction, but when Yibo doesn't give him one he continues on.
"She broke up with me, and I didn't know why."
"She didn't tell you?" Yibo asks.
"All she said was that we were better as friends. I was surprised. We'd never fought or had any disagreements. Things were going well and... I respected her. I even enjoyed her company. But then she told it wasn't enough, and I didn't understand why. At the time even she didn't understand why. But a few weeks ago on my birthday, she told me."
"She said that it was because I wasn't in love with her. Because if I was, I would have fought for her."
"What?" Yibo asks. "So she broke up with you just to see if you would fight for her?"
At the disgust in Yibo's tone, Xiao Zhan cannot help his amusement.
"No. At the time she couldn't really pinpoint why she wasn't satisfied with me. All she did was tell me that we were better as friends, and I never argued back. At the time I felt hurt, but I told myself that her happiness was more important, and so since she felt that way then I was going to let her go. I thought I was being noble, but now I realize that I just didn't love her ... enough to not want to live without her."
"She was replaceable, and that was why I let go so easily. With hindsight, I realize now that I was the one being selfish, because I so readily agreed to what I sensed was also best for me, but, under the cloak of 'submitting to her wishes for the sake of her happiness'. So now, I want to ask you- are you really holding back because you're sure that I will be happier without you? Or is it because you know that you'll be happier without me."
"Zhan ge..."Yibo replies. "I want you to be safe. That's what I want."
"But not happy?"
"If you get into trouble again, you will be unhappy. And if it's because of me... I don't know how I'll be able to bear it."
"Ah, so you are rejecting me because you're trying to protect yourself."
Xiao Zhan doesn't need to see Yibo to know that he is somewhat taken aback at this inference. And so he waits for him to recover.
"I want you... to be safe,"Yibo bites out in frustration. "And I want you to thrive."
Xiao Zhan sighs.
"Yibo,"Xiao Zhan calls. "Do you love me? Truly?"
Yibo goes silent, and Xiao Zhan knows that he is now fuming.
"Respond,"he says, and Yibo growls in warning.
"Xiao Zhan."
"Respond,"he insists, and although it takes a while, Yibo soon calms his annoyance down enough to.
"You know I fucking do,"he breathes.
"Okay,"Xiao Zhan says.
"Since you do, then ask me what I want. This was the mistake I made with Mei li. I never asked her what she wanted, because I didn't care enough to. I did ask her though why she thought we would be better as friends, and she told me that she didn't know. She just felt that ... it would be best. And that was it. I accepted it and respected her wishes. I never asked though whom it would be best for. If I had, she would have told me- the both of us. Because she loved me, but didn't think that I loved her enough to open up to her the way that she needed me to. And since she also loved herself, she couldn't settle for such a mediocre relationship. This was exactly what she wanted- she didn't want us to be mediocre. But she couldn't find the courage to express this, and I didn't give her the confidence to."
"I let her go, just as she'd expected that I would."
"So Yibo, if you truly do love me... then take yourself out of the equation for a moment, and ask me what I truly want. Because it should matter to you."
"Right now, you're keeping yourself away from me, because you think that it's what's best. But for whom? For you or for me?"
At Yibo's continued silence, Xiao Zhan keeps going.
"I've asked you this question before, when I was driving back to Chongqing. You asked me to erase the line that stood between our friendship and relationship. You said you wanted to go back, because it would be best. And I asked you for whom? For you... or for me. You never responded."
"So now I'm asking you again. Whom would it truly be best for if we weren't together?"
Yibo still doesn't reply, but Xiao Zhan is willing to wait. Forever if needed, to hear Yibo's response.
Suddenly however, he hears the key to the door behind him begin to twist open, and his heart jumps into his throat. He immediately rises to his feet just as the door is pulled open, and with the phone still pressed to his ear, he turns around to meet his mother. She is already in her night robe, but although her hair is tousled, the deep and unhappy scowl on her face lets him know that she had not been asleep.
Xiao Zhan however cannot speak to her now because he doesn't want Yibo to be distracted, so he immediately begins to back away from her.
She is shocked.
"Xiao Zhan," she calls, and his hand immediately covers the mouth piece. He then moves the hand to his lips, and places a finger against it in a silent plea for her to not speak. He bows deeply to her, and despite the extreme annoyance on her face, walks out of the small gate. He heads off to his father's car parked by the side of the flowerbed, and takes a seat by the ledge of the sidewalk.
His heart is thundering against his chest with the fear that this moment between him and Yibo had about to be broken.
So he takes several deep breaths to calm his nerves, and then returns his focus to waiting on Yibo.
"Ge,"Yibo eventually calls.
He immediately responds. "Mn."
"It'll be best for the both of us. It's not just solely for you."
"Alright, please expatiate."
"I don't feel worthy enough for you to take the risk for.'
Just as Xiao Zhan had thought.
"Because you've failed me in the past?"
"Yes."
"Alright, but do you plan on failing me again in the future?"
Silence.
"Yibo?"
"I don't," he breathes,"but there are so many things that are not in my control. Take this matter of the script for instance. I suggested it to you because I know you'd love the story, but see what happened because of it. And it wasn't a coincidence. My company was behind it."
This outright admission is quite the news to Xiao Zhan, so he takes a few moments to digest it.
"Okay," he says."You're certain of this?"
"A hundred percent."
"Alright, so what did you do then? You've told me before that you don't want to go against them, and I accept that. I would never want you to because it'll only backfire on your reputation and your conscience. But, I also expect that you would have done something to rectify this for the future. At least internally. Right?"
Once again, Yibo goes silent and Xiao Zhan feels somewhat afraid, as though his foundation is about to be shaken.
"You don't have to give me the details if you don't want to, but I need to know that you did do something."
Xiao Zhan shudders.
"Yibo... did you? If... I-f you didn't, then I won't be able to accept you. It'll make me believe that you don't deserve me."
The silence drags on.
"Don't lie to me,"he breathes, wondering if perhaps this is the reason why Yibo hasn't responded. "If you did, and you tell me right now that you didn't, I'll kill you. It'll be the cruelest thing that you can ever do me, because you'll be making believe that you're actually no good for me."
Xiao Zhan shuts out everything else till all he can hear is the thumping of his heart in his ears. This, he realizes, is one of the most crucial moments in his life because if Yibo's answer is not what he hopes it is, then it will be the incontestable end to everything between them.
Their friendship... and their relationship.
He would never be able to think of Yibo in the same way again, because it was one thing for him to not have been aware in the past, but it is another now for him to now be aware, and yet repeat the mistake of looking away.
"Yibo,"he snarls, unable to withstand the panic any longer. And so he rises to his feet, and with his gaze on the ground, begins to pace up and down the side of the car.
He is so tense that he begins to feel dizzy, the blood flow to his brain now inadequate, and so he quickly adds a clarification.
"Yibo if you didn't... lie to me," he says, and shuts his eyes. "Lie to me, and then go back to fix it. After you have, then tell me the truth."
Xiao Zhan cannot believe himself, and how weak he is, but he realizes now that a risk such as this is too detrimental to his soul to take, and so he allows them this buffer.
Yibo eventually responds.
"I did,"he says, and tears rush to Xiao Zhan's eyes. His chest heaves as he struggles to catch his breath, his heart nearly exploding with relief.
Oh God, he sighs, but then stills as he remembers the buffer.
"Wait! Is this -"
He stops himself.
He wants to ask Yibo if this is a lie, like he had asked for if the truth wasn't what he wanted to hear, but then he decides that he doesn't care. Truth or lie, it doesn't matter, as far as Yibo is ready to rectify it.
Yibo however, is able to figure out what he had wanted to say.
"It's not a lie,"he says, and then his voice is reinforced with steel."I will never ... ever take your welfare for granted again."
Xiao Zhan needs to sit down, to contain how barraged with emotion he currently is, so he heads back to the sidewalk and lowers onto it.
His limps are tingling with anxiousness and relief, so much so that it takes him quite a while to recover enough to speak.
"Alright,"he says. "Now let's get back to our previous line of conversation. There are indeed many things that are not in your control, and the ones that are, you have resolved, so why are you trying to fight a battle that is not yours to fight?"
To this, Yibo of course doesn't have a response, so Xiao Zhan smiles in admiration and sympathy for this boy who's standard is excellence, and whose goal is to strive for it in every aspect of his life.
"Yibo, you can't protect me from everything. It's not your responsibility. It's not even mine. Neither of us are capable of it. But you know what I am capable of and responsible for? It's strengthening myself, so that regardless of whatever else comes to hurt me, I will be able handle it, and to emerge on top."
"Unless... you think I'm too weak to do this?"
Yibo immediately counters the suggestion.
"You're not weak!"
Xiao Zhan smiles. "You're right. I'm not. And neither are you."
Silence.
"So Yibo, ask me what I want."
The seconds tick by, and then Yibo speaks.
"What do you want?"
Xiao Zhan's smile widens.
"Yibo, I want to brave all the storms with you. But I'm not so unfortunate that the storms are all that'll come to me. Life will also give me roses, and I want to smell them with you. That's what I want. That's what will make me happy. What about you? What do you want?"
Xiao Zhan holds his breath, and thankfully, Yibo responds soon enough.
"That's what I want too. I want it all. With you."
"Then problem solved. There's no valid reason anymore to keep us apart."
Yibo once again takes his recess of silence, and Xiao Zhan lets him, knowing that he still needs some time to come to terms with this. His gaze once again lifts to the starless sky and he smiles up at it, praying and hoping with all of his heart that he has been able to break through to Yibo this time around.
"Ge,"Yibo calls.
"Mn."
"Mei li, how... why didn't you insist on being with her? I mean... how did you know that you didn't... love her?"
This question is quite interesting and amusing to Xiao Zhan.
"You want me to compare how I felt about her to how I feel about you?"
Yibo hesitates, but he eventually responds."I just want to understand why you're so confident in your love for me."
"Alright, but first of all are you confident in your love for me?"
"I am," Yibo responds immediately, and Xiao Zhan is doubly amazed at the conviction in his tone.
"Why?"
"I asked you first," Yibo says, and Xiao Zhan cannot hold back his laughter.
Oh, how I adore you, he thinks to himself.
"You're feisty," he says."It's one of the things I love about you. It makes my blood boil."
Silence.
"Mei li wasn't?" Yibo asks.
"Not really," Xiao Zhan replies. "She's quite mellow."
"But you've mentioned before in one of your interviews that you want someone calm," Yibo says.
"That's what I thought. But now I know that I didn't know what the fuck I wanted until I met you. With you it all just feels right. It's perfect."
"It's not perfect. We fight a lot."
"Because you're stubborn. And that's another thing I love about you. You know exactly what you want and you stick to it. But your heart is also open, and so you're always willing to listen and adjust as needed."
"You're stubborn too," Yibo points out, and Xiao Zhan feels his cheeks begin to hurt from all his joy.
"I am," he agrees. "Do you like that about me?"
"I love it. It makes my blood boil."
"Ya! Don't copy."
"I want to copy you," Yibo says. "Zhan ge, I admire you so fucking much. I love how kind you are, and how reasonable. I also love how resilient you are, and how pure hearted. I feel as though I can trust you... with everything ... like no one else."
Xiao Zhan's core begins to melt."I know I can trust you," he responds. "With everything. Like no one else. You're so honest Yibo. This was what made me open up to you from the very beginning. You don't know how to hide, or rather you choose not to hide what you truly feel and think."
"Mei li isn't honest?" he asks, and Xiao Zhan bursts out in laughter.
"What?" Yibo asks.
Xiao Zhan wipes the tears from the corners of his eyes as he tries to control his amusement. "You're insane."
"Why?" Xiao Zhan can almost hear his pout."Answer the question."
XiaoZhan sighs. "She is, even more than you are."
"Hey," Yibo complains softly, his tone bearing a note hurt. So Xiao Zhan proceeds to console him.
"Yibo, all of these things we've mentioned that we love about each other, we can probably find in others, but the crux of it all is that when I think of you, and when I am with you, I feel at home. My soul is content. I've never felt that way with anyone beyond my parents and myself. When we were only friends, I just felt that we had a powerful connection, but now that we've taken things further, I feel like you're a part of me. Losing you would be fatal, and that's why I've never been able to fathom it, or God forbid even accept it. "
"You blocked me," Yibo points out to him. "Before I came to you in Shamian."
"I would have unblocked you eventually," Xiao Zhan replies. "I thought of you all the time. I had been terrified, and watching the news of your accident for hours before you came. If you hadn't barged in, I most probably would have reached out to you that night. I don't think I would have been able not to."
At this, he hears Yibo's smile.
"What else?"he asks."What else do you love about me?"
Xiao Zhan is now fed up, and so he rises to his feet. "Yibo, I'm about to freeze to death. I'm going inside."
"Oh my God! I forgot."
"It's fine," Xiao Zhan replies and begins to head back to the house.
"Is the door open now?"
"It is," Xiao Zhan replies."My mom opened it for me a few minutes ago."
"A few minutes ago? Why didn't you tell? I kept you outside."
"We needed to talk, and we're not done yet so ... don't block me again."
"I won't," Yibo assures him."But I think this is enough for tonight. I want you to rest."
Xiao Zhan agrees with him, but not fully, so he chooses then to be outright.
"For the record, I can talk to you forever, but I am also concerned that you need to rest so, yeah, we can end the call. For today."
Xiao Zhan arrives at the front door but when he finds it locked again, his heart sinks. The handle cannot be pushed open from the outside, and so he starts to ponder about what to do. He feels saddened by the prospect of having to disturb his mother again, but just then, he steps on something and it jingles under his foot. He looks down, and sees that it is the bunch of keys containing the one to the front door. Thanking the heavens, he immediately lowers and retrieves it.
"I have one last question,"Yibo says."Before you go."
Xiao Zhan grabs his bag, and then slots the right key into the hole to open the door.
"What is it?"he asks, but he is so busy with getting himself in the house and locking the door behind him, that he doesn't notice that Yibo has gone silent.
When he turns off the light to the entryway, and then begins to head towards the stairs, he realizes then that Yibo is yet to speak. So he briefly pulls the phone away from his ear to check that the line is still connected.
"Yibo,"he calls, just as he begins to climb up.
"Um ... did- with Mei li. Did you two ever...?"
Xiao Zhan stops in his track.
At first, every single thought disappears from his head, but then as his brain is able to process the question, he finds that his first reaction is nervousness. And then a slight amusement.
He clears his throat then, and continues up the stairs, lowering his voice so as not to further disturb his parents.
"You don't have to respond if you don't want to," Yibo says.
"I want to,"he replies, and then sighs as he sets his bag down in his room.
"Mn, we did. She was my first. And only. Before you."
"Ah,"Yibo replies, and then he goes silent again.
Xiao Zhan takes his seat on the foot of his bed. "I'm sorry,"he says. "If I had known better, I wouldn't have touched anyone until I met you. But I didn't."
"How can you apologize for such a thing?"Yibo scoffs, and Xiao Zhan's ease returns.
"I just want to make it clear though, that I've never thought of her the way I think of you. There are so many things I want to do to you, and with you, that I've never thought of doing with anyone else."
"Things like what?" Yibo asks, and at his breathy tone, Xiao Zhan falls back onto the bed.
His laughter is silent as he shuts his eyes to imagine Yibo. He is most definitely still in Changsha, so he should be in a hotel room. Perhaps lying in bed or seated. He picture's Yibo's eyes, and the heavenly glaze that comes over them when he is turned on.
"If we go there right now Yibo, I doubt that either of us will be able to sleep in peace."
Yibo takes a moment of silence to consider this.
"Go there," he breathes, and Xiao Zhan laughs quietly again. He thinks of exactly what he wants to do to Yibo, and what he wants Yibo to do to him, in all it's vivid details, but when it comes time for him to relay it, he finds that he cannot say a word."
"Xiao Zhan," Yibo calls, and he bites down on his bottom lip to control his smile.
"Goodnight," Yibo says, and Xiao Zhan hurries to stop him.
"I'm sorry. Don't go. It's just... I can't say it. It's too..." he searches for a word. "I don't know. It's easier to say things like that when I'm with you, I think, but over the phone... my mouth won't work."
"Text it to me then?"Yibo requests, and Xiao Zhan nods his head in agreement.
"Alright, I will."
"Don't forget,"Yibo warns, and Xiao Zhan laughs.
"I won't, I'll do it right now."
"Alright,"Yibo says. "Get some rest, and eat something."
"I will."
And then a silence follows.
I love you,Xiao Zhan wants to say to him, but he hesitates and so Yibo beats him to it.
"I love you,"Yibo says softly, but before Xiao Zhan can respond, the call is disconnected.
Xiao Zhan's mouth falls open as he stares at the phone, his heart about to burst out of his heart.
Soon he is able to recover, and this spurs him on to craft his message with absolute honesty. He holds nothing back, and by the time he is done, he is unable to even read through it himself. He does though, to ensure that there are no typos, and then before he chickens out, he sends it.
His face burns a visible red as the network heartily accepts it, and unlike before, there is no rejection message. This makes him choke up with emotion again, so he turns and buries his face into the mattress, to hide his tears, and to wait for Yibo's response.
A few minutes later, it arrives, and he is almost too scared to check it. Eventually, he is able to, and the moment he sees Yibo's response, he loses it.
He nearly breaks out into a howl of laughter, but at the reminder of where he is, and of his parents nearby, he clamps a hand over his mouth.
He reads the message, over and over again, and to it, he himself has no response. So he puts the phone aside until his amusement eventually subsides, hoping with all of his heart that another would soon follow.
It didn't.
Notes: 😅 I couldn't bring myself to include what Xiao Zhan wrote. He'll show you himself. ❤️
UPDATE:
I was inspired by a comment on this chapter from A03 but who can guess what Xiao Zhan texted, and what Yibo's response was? 😂
Originally posted: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27443527/chapters/76289102