June 14,2020
All my mornings are practically the same since we moved to Korea. My grandparents house is small and I share a room with my little brother. It has become a routine to get my brother ready each morning and it's my way of helping my mom. I am always up at 6am since most days practice starts at 8am. The days I don't have practice I am still up at that time. Jun Jun is my alarm and once 5:59am hits he is on my back shaking me to wake up. Jun Jun has always been a morning person which is very opposite to myself. I love my bed and my fluffy lavender comforter. I always wish I could have a few more minutes but with how busy I am it never happens. My grandparents are usually up at this time and my mom joins them most mornings. My grandma and mom always take care of breakfast while I keep Jun Jun entertained which its not hard at all. Jun Jun is a pretty calm child and he could play on the floor with his toys all day. My mom always says that she got lucky with Jun Jun and myself. I was also a quiet kid and I rarely cried.
Unfortunately my dad stopped joining us for breakfast weeks ago and I don't know when he will ever do it again. I know it upsets the rest of the family and breakfast has not been the same since this started happening. My grandpa really tries his best to connect with Jun and I and I think he feels guilty about his son not having the strength to be a father right now. I don't think its just my grandpa who feels like that. My grandma obsesses over our health and nutrition and is always trying to over feed us. But the funny thing is that, it's not just Jun and I but also my mom. Since the very beginning of my parents relationship my grandparents have loved my mom and have welcome her into their life as another daughter. My mom is from a small town and she moved to Seoul for art school. She had to leave her family behind and my grandparents knew this. I think thats one of the reasons they felt overprotective of her which my mom's parents always appreciated. I am lucky both sides of my family like each other and there is no issues between them. It makes family reunion the best part of the year.
This morning is no different to the many others. Today is Sunday which means I am free from practice and my plan is to spend most of the morning home with my family. This afternoon I have been invited to Ara's place to watch a BTS online concert. I was unsure if I should go but she insisted multiple times and I felt wrong saying no. I don't know how it will go if I see Jhope. Specially knowing that Ara is staying at their shared apartment and I could run into Jhope or any of the other members at any time. I don't think I am ready to meet any more after what happened. I am hoping to only stay for the live concert and get out of there before anyone comes home. I hope Ara doesn't take it personally and she understands that I am just shy and I don't know how to act in front of such important people.
But now is not the time to think about all this. Now is the time to play with my Jun Jun and enjoy being in my pjs and watching cartoons with my favorite 3 year old. My age and attitude outside of this house does not reflect who I really am. I am a full kid at heart and I refuse to grow up. My home is my safe place and Sundays are my days to be who I am and my parents and grandparents seem to understand. They know how responsible and hard working I am in my daily life and when I choose to act the same age as my brother they don't vet an eye. They treat me like I'm really 3 years old and spoils us rotten. Of course this only lasts one day out of the week and they all seem to enjoy it as much as I do. Obviously I don't go to the extreme. I still take care of my daily chores and I help in the house as much as I can but they know that TV time with Jun Jun is my time.
Jun is starting to talk a lot more now and watching any show with him is more entertaining than the show itself. He has a way of adding hilarious commentary to anything and I enjoy seeing his eyes light up every time he thinks of something to say. I made ourself a small snack after breakfast and Jun Jun and I take are usual seats on the floor in front of the TV to watch our favorite show.
"Do you guys have room for one more?" I hear from behind me and both Jun Jun and I turn around to see our dad. It has been over a week since the last time I saw him. Lately he has been staying in bed in the mornings and by the time I get home at night he is already back in bed. I take a long look at him and even though I know my mom and grandparents are taking care of him I still inspect him. He looks like he has gained a little weight and it makes me happy. I know with his depression he had stopped eating and that had me worried. "No morning kisses for appa?" he asks and I guess both Jun and I are shocked to see him. I don't know how long it has been since Jun last saw our father but by the look in his face he has really missed him. Jun is the first one to get up and run to my dad with a huge smile. My dad picks him up and places him on his lap and they hug each other and it feels like it has been an eternity since the last time. I follow Jun Jun and I get up to meet my dad. I do my best to not get in the way of Jun Jun. The wheelchair makes it hard to fully hug him but it does not stop me from trying. I feel tears forming in my eyes and I concentrate on something else to stop my feelings.
"Appa you want me to get you anything to eat?" I ask once I have taken as much of him in as I can. With this I try to convince myself that I wont cry.
"No sweetheart" my dad answers quickly while kissing Jun on his forehead for the second time. "I just needed to see my babies this morning" he says and his smile is brighter than the morning sun outside. "this is all I need" he continues and I really wish those words are true and enough to get him out of the state he has been in for months.
"Oh no I am missing the family cuddle time" We hear Mom say when she enters the living room and dad and I laugh.
"No honey, we have plenty of cuddles for you too" My dad says with a smile which turns into a flirt when he speaks again. "Come here" he makes a gesture with his hand patting his lap.
"Jun Jun lets give appa and eomma some privacy" I say grabbing Jun from my dad's lap.
"Don't be ridiculous Sun" My mom says with a chuckle.
"I was actually thinking of playing outside with Jun Jun for a little bit and taking grandpa and grandma with me" I say grabbing my hoodie from the couch and winking at my dad who matches my expression.
"No, No you don't have to" My mom says and I can feel her start to become embarrassed.
"Honey let the kids go play" My dad says looking my way and giving me an approval nod. It has been so long since they have acted this way and for a moment it felt like the old times. My parents have never been afraid of showing how much they love each other and my memories are full of my mom's laughter and my dad chasing her around trying to kiss her. I have always used them as an example of how I want my future relationship to be. I want to find someone that will love me more each day and will still chase me around even after we have kids.
"See you later" I kiss my dad on the cheek and make my way to my mom who looks at me suspicious. I am pretty sure she thinks I planned all this and she is not half wrong. I kiss her cheek and Jun follows me by kissing her as well. Jun and I head outside and I leave with the hope that my plan works and my mom and dad will have a moment to be together like they use to be. My dad seemed to have woken up better today and we need to take advantage of this small victory. Maybe the alone time with my mom will result in them finally sitting down and talking about their feelings. I really hope it does not end in a bad situation like the ones before. They haven't been able to communicate well lately and they will always end up fighting. Today has to be different.
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I stare at the dark wood door after ringing the bell for the second time and I start to doubt if this is the right door. The last time I was here I was not paying attention and I don't know if I misread the apartment's numbers. I search for my phone in my backpack when I hear the door open and I look up to see one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen. She is absolutely breathtaking. Taller than me with long brown hair that fall in waves around her beautiful smiling face. She is not asian and it takes me by surprise. "I probably knocked on the wrong door is" my first thought. I bow down my head ready to apologize but I see Ara from the corner of my eye come behind the mysterious girl.
"Sun-ah" Ara excitedly says coming closer to the door.
"Hello" I say relieved to see my friend.
"Come in, come in" Mysterious, smiling, gorgeous girl says and I bow my head in greeting.
"Oh yes let me introduce you two" Ara says looking between the girl and I. "Sun, this is Ella" Ara says once I am inside the apartment.
"Hi, I am Sun-Hee" I bow again.
"Ella is Namjoon's girlfriend" Ara continues and I do my best to not react. I am truly shocked at the news but I cant show it. I knew that the members of BTS would have private relationships and its not my place to intrude in their lives as a fan.
"Nice to meet you Sun-Hee" Ella speaks and I notice a small accent that kind of matches mine. I know she is not korean but she speaks very well.
"Please call me Sun" I smile.
"I will" Ella says matching my smile. "Ara has told me a lot about you and I wanted to meet you for so long. I hope you don't mind her telling me about you trying to make friends and only having your family. I kind of know how you feel. I am all by myself here. I only have Namjoon and the other guys and now I have Ara, Hae and our friend Min but my family is all back home in the states." Ella continues and now that I know where she is from I am not as confused as before. "I know you also had to leave your home to come here."
"Yes it has been tough, but I am doing my best to make a home here" I say and I am met with a smile from both Ara and Ella.
"Well before this conversation goes deeper, lets take a seat in the living room with Mia and I can order some coffee" Ara walks in front of us leading the way.
Once we are in the living room I see Mia playing on the floor. The last time I was here little Mia was asleep and I was not able to really look at her but now that I can see her I notice that she is a copy of her dad. The same black hair and gummy smile that are a dead ringer for her famous dad.
"Mia is so cute" I gesture at Ara and she smiles proudly.
"Yes my little stinker is cute" Ara says with a small chuckle followed by Ella.
"Let me get the snacks from the kitchen" Ella separates from our group and a thought crossed my mind.
"Do you need any help?" I ask before she is out of sight and Ella turns around. I do want to get her know better and this is a good opportunity to show her I can always help.
"Sure, will love that" Ella answers with a warm appreciative smile.
"Oh girls I just noticed something funny" Ara speaks stopping me from walking behind Ella. "You both are dressed alike." Ara looks at us both and laughs and I take a second to look at Ella again and it finally registers that Ara is right. She wears an oversize black hoodie and black leggings. I am wearing the same thing. My leggins are black just like Ella but my hoodie is gray. I wear a black cap that matches the color of my hair and I decided to give my hair less time today and its only in its natural straight state.
"You are right, this means we were meant to be best friends. We already think alike" Ella chuckles and her smile is even bigger than before.
"I agree" I say and I think I have made a new friend.
"I think I should change, now I feel left out" Ara pouts and this causes us to all laugh together.
We spend the next hour getting to know each other a little more and I learn how Namjoon met Ella. Their love story seems to be straight out of a fairy tale and it makes me happy to know how much they love each other. I also tell Ella more about myself and she seems to be genuinely interested in me. Time passes by so fast with us talking and before we know it the concert starts. Mia who has taken a liking to me pulls me by the hand and leads me to the floor. I give Ara a confused look and she tells me to go with it. Before I know if I take a seat on the floor at Ella's and Ara's feet across from the TV and Mia and I watch as the guys come on screen. We get so into the performances that we barely talk. The guys all look very handsome but I cant help but only look at Jhope. Every time I see him on the screen something on my stomach jumps and I cant help it. The concert goes by so quickly but it is truly amazing. After we watch the end credits both Ella and Ara receive calls from Yoongi and Namjoon and they inform that they will be home soon with the rest of the guys.
"I think its time for me to go home" I say getting up to get my bag. "Its already really late and I told my mom I wouldn't be out too late."
"No please stay, I want you to meet the other guys and our best friend Min" Ara pleads.
"I really should be going now" I say trying to reason with Ara.
"I agree with Ara, if we are going to become good friends you will have to meet all the guys. I have a feeling you will be with us for a long time" Ella says with what looks like her thinking face. "It's really hard to make genuine friends and I am sure you will be one. You haven't asked for anything since you met Ara and you have been so helpful to her and she talks about you all the time" Ella continues and I didn't know Ara thought so well of me. "After you found out about Yoongi and Mia you didn't run off to the news to let the secret out and you respected their privacy and when you met me just now you didn't even blink. You treated me like a normal person and that never happens. As soon as people know I am Namjoon's girl their attitude totally changes specially when they find out I am Hispanic-American and not Korean." I can see the pain in Ella's eyes and it makes me feel for her. It must be hard to be judge just because you fell in love. I couldn't imagine her life for me. I could never date someone in the public eye. Not because I am jealous person or anything like that. I am just not strong enough to deal with all the eyes on me. My prince charming is just a simple man with a simple life. I wouldn't be able to be part of this world and Ara and Ella are superwomen for putting up with all this.
"I am sorry you have to go through all of this Ella" Ara says and I think she knows Ella is about to break down because she gives her a hug.
"It's ok I am getting use to it and honestly Namjoon is worth all this hardship. I would do it all the same just to be with him" Ella says with her expression changing to a sweet smile as soon as she mentions Namjoon's name.
"I will stay as long as you don't think about it anymore" I say to Ella trying to do my best to cheer her up. "In me you have a best friend you can always count on and you will never be alone" I say pointing at my chest.
"Thank you girl." Ella smiles and she looks between Ara and I. "I am very lucky to have both of you, Min and Hae" We all smile at each other and once again I feel like I am home. I cant explain it but I feel like I was meant to meet these girls. I am amazed at how easy I have opened up to total strangers without any difficulties and I don't know why. I am glad I met Ara when I did because of her I finally feel like I belong somewhere.
After our heavy conversation Mia wakes up and joins us in the living room. I spend the next half hour playing on the floor with Mia as Ella and Ara talk about the guys upcoming schedule. They seem to be very versed on what is going on with the group. They sound to be very busy all the time and this is another reason why I couldn't be them. They are truly strong since they seem to support them as much as they can. Even Ara who I know is not with Yoongi. But when I hear her talk about him its kind of hard to imagine she doesn't have any feelings for him. I feel so awkward listening to them go on and on about their men and I do my best to concentrate on Mia and not pay attention to the conversation. I don't want them to think I am trying to intrude in a conversation that has nothing to do with me. I don't want to give them the wrong impression.
While on the floor Mia decides to play tea Party with me and I agree. She pulls me by the hand and takes me to a corner of the room with our backs to the girls. Mia's baby babble that reminds me a lot of Jun Jun completely shut out Ara and Ella's conversation. Before I know it I have a toy tea cup in my hand and my inner child has come out to play. Mia and I are transported to a different world and we are no longer in the living room. We are in a white orchid meadow having a picnic. We are dressed in beautiful summer dresses and our blanket is filled with delicious small pastries. We laugh while drinking our cold tea in this summer hot day and time seems to slow down. We are having the time of our lives when I feel a small hand on my shoulder and I jump.
"I didn't mean to scare you" Ara says with a chuckle and I turn to see her bending down to meet us at eye level. "The guys are here and I want you to meet them." She says and I feel my stomach drop. I left my imagined world and I am back in the real one. I am about to meet BTS and I don't know how to feel. "They have been here for a while but you and Mia seemed to be having so much fun that I felt bad interrupting. You both seemed to have left the room and when you didn't even turn when the guys got here I figured you didn't hear us." It takes me a minute to realize I'm comfortable enough with Ara and Ella that I am letting them see me in this stage. Something I don't let anyone outside of my family see.
"Oh no I'm so sorry they are going to think I am rude" I say concern creeping in.
"Oh no not at all. Jimin explained who you were before I could say anything and they all said you were so adorable for having a tea party with Mia." Ara says with a smiles and I know she is saying all that to make me feel better. "Come with me so I can finally introduce you" she pulls on my hand and I stand up. I keep forgetting how tall she is next to me and I don't know if it's because she is a mom but I feel protected when she is around. I stand behind her and I see her smile and I think she knows what I am trying to do. She walks toward the dinning room and I follow behind.
When we make it to the dining room I notice Ella and Hae are sitting at the table with another girl and this has to be Min. She is as beautiful as the other girls with her long black hair in a high pony tail with bangs covering her forehead. She looks up at me and smiles and again I feel like I was meant to meet her. I don't know if I have entered a different universe again but every girl I have met so far looks like models and Min does not disappoint.
I hesitate to look at the other side of the table but I am forced to when I hear them laugh. There they are the complete BTS group are here standing in front of me and I don't know if I am dreaming. They all seem to notice me and just like their dancing coordination they all smile at me at the same time. I take their beauty all in and quickly look at each of them. I try not to linger for too long out of respect but I can't help but look them up and down. I just saw them on the TV earlier but having them in front of me is totally different. Namjoon which is the first member I notice is taller than he seems on TV and his eyes are as warm as the tea my grandma drinks every morning. Jin is the definition of world wide handsome and seeing him in person confirms it. I knew he was handsome but I was not expecting him to be this gorgeous. Yoongi who I have seen before is still as handsome as the first time I saw him. His smile fills his face and I don't know how Ara can resist his charms. Jimin smile is different than the others and its hard to explain but his eyes are full of flirt. I knew he is one of the biggest flirts of the group but I just thought it was just a show. V's details can not be even more perfect. I never thought a man could be beautiful and handsome at the same time. There are no words to describe Jungkook and I don't think I will ever find them. How this man is real is something that has no explanation.
I know Jhope is next but I cant force myself to look his way. I feel his eyes on me making my cheeks burn and I unconsciously touch them. I cant understand why I feel this way and I try to find something to distract me. I decide to look at the back of Ara's head and it seems to work. I feel like time is going by slowly but when Ara speaks I know only a few seconds have passed by.
"Guys this is Sun-Hee" Ara says excitedly and even though I am freaking out I notice how proud she sounds when she introduces me. I bow my head and do my best to say an audible "hello" but I cant find my voice.
"Nice to finally meet you" Namjoon speaks and I look his way. "Ara, Hae and now Ella have said a lot of good things about you" he smiles and I try to smile back.
"Yes nice to meet you" Tae says matching Namjoon's warm smile while Jin and Jungkook wave their hands in a greeting.
"We saw you playing with Mia, thank you for keeping her entertained. You seem to have the magic touch" Yoongi says bowing his head.
"Has anyone told you, you look like Snow White if she was Korean?" Jimin says and the rest of the room turns to him including me. He looks back at me with the same flirty smile and I am shocked at his words.
"Oh yes I see it" Ella says. "The long black hair, white as milk skin and her red cheeks are a dead ringer for Snow White"
"I agree with Jimin" Ara says and I feel everyone's eyes on me and with that my cheeks are ready to explode.
"Don't embarrass the poor girl" who I assume is Min walks toward me and she greets me with a hug. "I am very happy to meet you Sun" she smiles and she looks at me the same way Ara does. For some reason I feel like she is the protector of this group and low key leader.
"Sun this is Min" Ara explains. "She is the head stylist for the boys and she is also Jin's girlfriend"
"Soon to be fiancé" Jin Interrupts and the others laugh.
"Don't listen to the old man over there" Min says with a chuckle.
"Yah honey I am only a year older than you" Jin says defending himself and Min turns to him and with what seems like her best aegyo she speaks.
"Oppa! You are 20 months older" and with her words the whole room explodes in a loud laugh. Seeing them be themselves starts to make me feel comfortable and I move to be next to Ara. I still can't look at Jhope and honestly I am afraid of what he might say. Last time I saw him he didn't recognize me and I don't know what I would say to him. Even though I have been avoiding him I can still feel him look at me.
Once the girls and I go back to the living room I am not able to stop myself from searching for him. I think the distance between us has given me the courage or maybe is just my curiosity. I look back at the dining room table where some of the guys have taken a seat. I notice him right away sitting on one of the chairs that is directly across from the couch and I see his eyes before I notice the rest of his face. He seems to be in deep thought and again I notice he is serious. Is this really him? Is he always this serious and his happy persona is just his public figure.
The night continues and I steal quick glances of Jhope through out the night. I don't know why I can't stop but it feels involuntary. He seems to be even more serious now that he is drunk and I am thankful he has stopped looking my way. I don't think I would be able to handle him staring at me all night.
I text my mom I will be home late and I let her know Hae will take me home. My mom doesn't know where I am and I don't think I could tell her. I didn't completely lie to her I only told her I would watch a BTS concert with some new friends and I didn't really specify who or where. She met Hae once and she told me she liked her so when I told her Hae would be there she didn't have a problem with me coming. I think she trusts Hae and she knows I am not the type of person that lies. At least I wasnt. Lying to me has never been easy and my mom could catch one of any of my white lies a mile away. Unfortunately for the first time in a long time I can't tell her the whole truth. Even if I did she would not believe me. I don't think anyone would and it could be just an excuse for what I am doing but I think I might be right.
I don't know what time is now but I start to feel my eyes shut unconsciously. I am on the floor playing with Mia again but she has been preoccupied with Jungkook for the last couple of minutes and I haven't been able to stay awake. The girls are still talking about the concert and I try to pay attention but I can't help my eyes from shutting. Between my eyes closing on and off I look at the girls and I notice they seem to be really into their conversation. I decide not to interrupt them to let Hae know I need to go and I find a comfortable spot laying my head on a side of the couch. I close my eyes one more time and once I open them again I don't know how much time has passed.
I can't see anything and I am no longer sitting on the floor. I seem to be on a very comfortable bed and panic starts to set in when I notice it's not mine. I try to force my eyes to see something but the room is so dark that I can barely see anything in front of me. I wait for my eyes to adjust and once they do I notice I am lying next to Hae who seems to be asleep. I feel a breath of relieve leave me. I must be at her apartment and I might have been too sleepy To remember getting here. I turn to the other side to get up but I notice another bed next to the one I am on and when I start to take in all the details I see two different set of feet laying on the bed. I continue looking and I notice that the person sleeping across from me seems familiar. I look at their face and before I make it to their eyes my hearts is already telling me who it is by the speed it starts to beat. Once I make it to his eyes I feel my heart explode when I see his brown eyes staring back at me once again.