"To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be."
– Heidi Priebe
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Wei Ying
Speaking about possessiveness, I expected Lan Zhan to be all pouty and irritated. But he acts as if nothing ever happened. When I go to him and whisper 'Sorry about that,' in his ear, he pretends that he wasn't glaring at me when I was talking to Ruo, which, honestly, got me wanting to shake him into yelling at me.
When we go home, Lan Zhan goes straight to the shower saying he's tired. When he's done, I do the same.
I change into some comfortable clothes and come out of the bathroom to find Lan Zhan alone on the balcony, watching the stars. He doesn't hear me approach. I silently watch him.
Standing there under the warm white light, the contrasting shadows of the creases of his white shirt emphasizing those broad shoulders, his half-damp hair lightly glistening; if it wasn't for his appearance, he looked no different from the small kid he once was, dreamy and solemn with a little edge of desolation. He looks . . . distant.
I lean on the doorframe of the balcony. "It's cold outside. Come in."
He looks at me over his shoulder. "I'm fine." He says. "You can sleep."
Once again he offers to let go of it. That's what we've been doing all this time—sweeping our pasts under the rug, hold back what we want to say. But for how long can we continue?
With a sigh, I walk over to him. I put my arms around his waist, his back to my chest. His cold-tensed muscles slowly relax at my touch. "Stubborn idiot," I mumble, leaning my head on him.
He takes my hand and kisses it, but still, he's silent.
"Say something," I urge. "It's scaring me."
"I love you," Lan Zhan replies.
Despite everything, a corner of my lip tweaks up. But hadn't we left those skeletons in their closets for way too long? Isn't it time to bring them out before it gets too ugly?
I breathe, deeply. "I met Ruo a few days before you came back." I start and he tenses up again, realizing where it's going. "I'll be honest, Lan Zhan. I was going to spend the night with her. But she refused me."
I walk to the side, to lean on the railing. The metal is ice cold but Lan Zhan is clutching it with both his hands.
"She said she didn't want to because I was hung up on someone. Told me to not lose hope." I chuckle at the way it all became true for both of us. "I guess I needed to hear it."
I look sideways at Lan Zhan, who had his gaze settled somewhere far away. "By the way, she's got engaged recently." I notice a slight clench on his jaw. "To Zhi Lynn, apparently."
His gaze lands on me, wide-eyed.
I half-smile and reach for his hand—they are frozen. "See, your hands are cold. Let's go in."
Lan Zhan complies.
"How did you know?" he asks as he sits on the armchair in the bedroom.
"Ruo told me today," I reply, closing the door.
Lan Zhan keeps staring at his feet. I go to him and cradle his shoulder, he leans on my abdomen.
"You know, Lan Zhan," I stroke his hair. "I don't deny anything I did. But I want you to know, I hate every bit of it. So much that I cringe every time I remember those times." I pause for a moment, unsure of how I should continue. "I don't even know if this is going to make you feel better or worse."
Lan Zhan looks up at me. "I don't—" he starts and stops, and starts again. "You don't have to make me feel better."
I smile and scoot onto his lap. "But I want to," I murmur. "Also, we should get past this if we don't want complications in future."
He considers for a moment and nods, thankfully. As much we needed this, I didn't want to push Lan Zhan to do something he's uncomfortable with.
"So, Lan Zhan, there's one thing I realize when I look back at those times. I don't know how convincing it is, but, you're the only one I've ever been able to love." He reaches out and caresses my cheekbone. "And you're the only one I've ever truly wanted."
Which was the utmost truth.
All my life, I've come across a lot of people. People who knew me as the troublemaker who maker who makes a joke about anything, as the smart-alec in the boardroom, as the guy at the bar they want to take home. But Lan Zhan—he knows me.
He knows when I say yes but actually mean no, when I put on a work-smile but on the verge of throwing things around, he knows me vulnerable, he knows me needy, and he knows me truly happy. And no matter how horrible I can be in the raw form underneath, no matter how many times I've tried to stop him, he still says he loves me and he means it.
I continue, "Look, I wish I could go back in time and change everything that happened to us." I grin. "I might even consider dropping your uncle into a faraway island with no human habitat, so be thankful that I can't do it."
Lan Zhan chuckles, hypnotizing me for a second.
"Anyway," I continue, "the point is, what happened already happened. And now we have to live with it whether we like it or not." I suddenly realize that it could sound bad. "I mean, I'm not trying to justify anything—I—I know it's wrong—"
"Wei Ying." Lan Zhan cups my face. "I understand."
I smile, stupidly, flustered by his considerate gaze. "So . . ." I clear my throat. "I'm sorry. For—honestly, I can't pinpoint the exact thing I'm apologizing for. I guess it's everything all at once. But, I owe it to you. I'm sorry, okay?"
"I'm sorry too." He says, "For leaving. And for taking so long to come back."
He kisses me. His hand over mine over his cheek, the other gently pulling me close by my neck—he kisses me slow and gentle. When those lips softly press to mine in the new light of forgiving and being forgiven, something tells me that all that matters is this. Us. This moment. The present.
We lazily make out on the armchair till my legs start feeling numb from kneeling for too long. So Lan Zhan makes me sit back on his lap and tenderly squeezes me to himself.
"Tell me about London," I say, stroking his head which was on my shoulder. "I'll make it easy. . . Tell me three things you hated."
He thinks. "Winter nights, they are too long. Uncle's mansion. Being away from you."
I chuckle, turning to press a kiss on his cheek. "Three things you liked?"
"How the city looks. Museums." He falters with that. "The pub down the college."
I look up at him, surprised. "Is that where you learned to drink?"
"Mn."
"With whom?"
"Alone." He replies. "I had a bodyguard who followed me around. He used to take me back to the mansion when I passed out."
I laugh. "What a nice job."
Lan Zhan hums, chuckling.
"Take me to the museums when we go there," I tell him, and suddenly remember that the reason we're going there is to visit Qiren.
I guess Lan Zhan did too. Because when he says, "I will," it sounded grim.
I sigh into his chest. "What was it like? Studying there?"
He tells me how he was enrolled in a college there, his majors, schedules, where he stays, where he goes all planned by his Uncle. He wasn't allowed to leave London, and he wasn't allowed to get close to anyone, so he had been alone in his Uncle's mansion almost every evening unless his bodyguard decides to let him off for a bit.
I couldn't imagine what it had been like for him. To be like a fish in a tank. To be fed and held as an exhibit, prisoned inside glass walls, to see what the world is like, but never get to feel it. I squeeze his hand and whisper an I'm sorry, the universe too owes a few of them to him.
Then he tells me about the deal he made with his uncle. That if he manages to bring a new company to a successful level in two years, he'd let him go back to China. That's how Jade Industries began. He explains the strategies he used, how he achieved his goal, then came back here right after.
For the way he talked, all delighted and excited, I couldn't help but say, "Tell me everything." And I listen to every little detail he says. If I can, I'll memorize them all.
"Did you enjoy your work?" I ask, smiling in awe.
"I did. I wanted to be independent."
"Now you are. I'm proud of you."
I guess this is the longest he has ever spoken to me. When he lays himself out like that, so honest and so bare, I feel us connecting in a familiar, but entirely new way. This side of him has always been unreachable. Lan Zhan is actually speaking his mind, and I'm so in love.
After a while, I start talking too. About the days that were too much, about the therapy sessions, how I slowly became a person that's not myself without realizing it. It's not something easy to talk about. But Lan Zhan hugs me tight as I talk, listening intently.
"You know, I've never said this before," I say into his chest. "When you hold me, I feel so safe." I tilt my head up, smiling at those staring eyes. "What magic is that?"
"No magic at all." Lan Zhan replies.
"I love you," I say.
His lips are crushed to mine once more.
"Don't apologize again," Lan Zhan murmurs to the corner of my mouth.
I laugh. "Did you hate it that much?"
"Mn."
"So . . . will you forgive this dumb mutt without any apologies?"
"Don't be a dumb mutt again."
"That's like my surname."
"It's not."
"What is it then?" I nudge my nose against his. "Lan?" His eyes darken. "Well—hey—Lan Zh—stop kissing mmph—"
Right spot off, left spot off, center spot dim, and blackout... Realizing that I miss the stage XD
Also, I didn't write an opening blurb for this chapter cuz I wanted to share that beautiful quote I came across.
Extra:
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Till next time...