The Truth That Lies (WangXian Modern AU)

13

"To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be." 
– Heidi Priebe

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Wei Ying

Speaking about possessiveness, I expected Lan Zhan to be all pouty and irritated. But he acts as if nothing ever happened. When I go to him and whisper 'Sorry about that,' in his ear, he pretends that he wasn't glaring at me when I was talking to Ruo, which, honestly, got me wanting to shake him into yelling at me.

When we go home, Lan Zhan goes straight to the shower saying he's tired. When he's done, I do the same.

I change into some comfortable clothes and come out of the bathroom to find Lan Zhan alone on the balcony, watching the stars. He doesn't hear me approach. I silently watch him.

Standing there under the warm white light, the contrasting shadows of the creases of his white shirt emphasizing those broad shoulders, his half-damp hair lightly glistening; if it wasn't for his appearance, he looked no different from the small kid he once was, dreamy and solemn with a little edge of desolation. He looks . . . distant.

I lean on the doorframe of the balcony. "It's cold outside. Come in."

He looks at me over his shoulder. "I'm fine." He says. "You can sleep."

Once again he offers to let go of it. That's what we've been doing all this time—sweeping our pasts under the rug, hold back what we want to say. But for how long can we continue?

With a sigh, I walk over to him. I put my arms around his waist, his back to my chest. His cold-tensed muscles slowly relax at my touch. "Stubborn idiot," I mumble, leaning my head on him.

He takes my hand and kisses it, but still, he's silent.

"Say something," I urge. "It's scaring me."

"I love you," Lan Zhan replies.

Despite everything, a corner of my lip tweaks up. But hadn't we left those skeletons in their closets for way too long? Isn't it time to bring them out before it gets too ugly?

I breathe, deeply. "I met Ruo a few days before you came back." I start and he tenses up again, realizing where it's going. "I'll be honest, Lan Zhan. I was going to spend the night with her. But she refused me."

I walk to the side, to lean on the railing. The metal is ice cold but Lan Zhan is clutching it with both his hands.

"She said she didn't want to because I was hung up on someone. Told me to not lose hope." I chuckle at the way it all became true for both of us. "I guess I needed to hear it."

I look sideways at Lan Zhan, who had his gaze settled somewhere far away. "By the way, she's got engaged recently." I notice a slight clench on his jaw. "To Zhi Lynn, apparently."

His gaze lands on me, wide-eyed.

I half-smile and reach for his hand—they are frozen. "See, your hands are cold. Let's go in."

Lan Zhan complies.

"How did you know?" he asks as he sits on the armchair in the bedroom.

"Ruo told me today," I reply, closing the door.

Lan Zhan keeps staring at his feet. I go to him and cradle his shoulder, he leans on my abdomen.

"You know, Lan Zhan," I stroke his hair. "I don't deny anything I did. But I want you to know, I hate every bit of it. So much that I cringe every time I remember those times." I pause for a moment, unsure of how I should continue. "I don't even know if this is going to make you feel better or worse."