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↳ in which, she was too much of a coward to tell him 2 sentences; 6 words.
angst / smut
warnings : um vanilla sex????
this ones kinda long LMAO
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"DO YOU BELIEVE IN REINCARNATION?" she asked, looking over the bridge with her bestfriend. she tied her curls in a tight bun, stepping away from the edge a little.
"no-" shirabu was cut off as he watched her run to the edge once more and jump. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!"
she yelled in nothing but happiness, a big "whoo-hoo!" leaving her lips as she fell into the water; effectively soaking her & her shiratorizawa uniform.
"come on you big baby!" she yelled back up to shirabu who was looking at her as if she was insane. he sighed watching her joyous smile get bigger by the second as he took off his blazer & tie.
he stepped back a little before following her movements and landing near her in the water. when he came back up for air, he looked over at her before they both busted out laughing.
he enjoyed seeing her smile. it was like a bright light in the darkness for him.
-
"when we die, do we become one of the millions stars in the sky?" she asked, looking at the thousands of millions of stars that brightened the dark night sky occupied by the full moon in all its glory.
"i thought you believed in reincarnation?" kenjirou asked, not even bothering to look at his bestfriend since he was so infatuated with the sky tonight.
"i do!" she answered quickly. "i believe in a lot of things. such as heaven & hell, reincarnation, becoming a star, even just seeing nothing but darkness when we die." she explained, looking over at the bronze haired boy.
"well, where do you want to go when you die years from now?" he asked, closing his eyes in relaxation. she frowned at the question, biting her lip anxiously.
"reincarnated so i can have a second chance with you." she mummers quietly to herself, with a sigh of relief when she noticed his breath went steady & he fell asleep on the hill.
-
"i love you." she exclaims with a cheeky smile as she grabs a strawberry from the picnic basket.
"what?" shirabu cringed, scrunching his face in confusion as he took a bite of his sandwich.
"y'know the song by billie ellish? 'i love you.' listen to it." she smiles, before taking a sip of her water. he looked at her questioningly, ready to ask 'why,' and annoy her to death.
but he knew better by now.
she never gave straight answers. she kept so many secrets. she was always writing in that notebook of hers.
he simply sighed, and nodded to himself with a small frown thinking about how secretive his bestfriend has turned. they used to never have secrets.. what was she hiding?
they continued their picnic until lunch was over, and walked to their separate classes together.
-
he waited for her outside her classroom as always. there was no practice today so they were going straight to dorms.
he watched as she basically stumbled out of class, after about 10 minutes of standing and waiting.
she ran a hand through her curly hair that she wore out. she usually wore it in a bun or up, but shirabu always expressed how he liked it better down.
though, he didn't really mind. he thought she was pretty either way.
she beamed a bright smile, grabbing a hold of his hand and interlocking their fingers as she strolled down the hall; dragging him along.
"who's dorm?" she asked.
"mine, i- we have to study for finals." he exclaimed huffing and letting her drag him from the main campus to the dorms.
they entered his shared dorm, noticing taichi wasn't present. he dismissed it, immediately stripping of his blazer and tie to breathe a little. she followed suit, taking off her blazer & tie as well as unbuttoning the first three buttons of her shirt.
he sighed sitting on his bed with his legs crossed as he opened a history book as well as a notebook to take notes. she sat at his desk, doing math, in a comfortable silence for about an hour.
though it seemed like she was working hard, her mind was racing. she didn't have much time left.
she sighed, setting her pencil down before hugging shirabu from behind him on his bed (which he sat in the middle of).
"what're you doing n/n?" he mumbled, still taking more notes.
"i'm bored kenjiiii!" she whined, puffing her cheeks as she hugged his neck tighter. she didn't want to let go.
he sighed in frustration, knowing he'll never get any work done with her being whiny. he closed his notebooks and textbooks, before laying down on the bed after moving them away.
she laid on top of him with a smile; his arms resting on her back, sometimes drawing cute shapes on her back, as her arms wrapped around his torso. she listened to his steady heartbeat as they sat in silence once again.
she bit her lip anxiously before sighing and muttering 'fuck it,' to herself. she quickly sat up and smashed their lips together.
this wasn't the first kiss they shared. they've done it plenty of times in the heat of the moment, therefore shirabu melted into in quickly.
y/n moved her legs to straddle his hips as the kiss got more and more heated. going from a slow, passionate to a tongue battle.
he moved his hands slowly down her body, reaching her ass and giving it a playful squeeze as she yelped and broke the kiss while he chuckled.
"are you sure?" he whispered to her. she nodded. she had always been sure. "i don't have a condom." he exclaims, flipping them both over and leaving a few kisses on her neck.
"it's okay. i trust you." she hummed, as he continued to suck and leave small marks on her [skin tone] skin.
the words really hit deep for shirabu. he knew she trusted him, but not that much. not as much to take her virginity without a condom. more like, if she was about to die he'd be there type of trust.
he slowly unbuttoned the rest of her shirt before sliding it off. he moved his kisses upwards; kissing her jaw, cheek, forehead, nose, before finally kissing her lips.
his hands roamed her stomach and side before going to her back to unclip her bra. she lightly moaned once her warm skin hit the cold air.
he trailed his kisses downward, through the valley of her breasts, to her stomach, before getting to the start of her skirt. he sat up, swiftly taking off his shirt, throwing it somewhere in the room before taking off her skirt and soaked panties.
he kissed gently on her inner thigh, one of his hands holding them open while the other one trailed upwards and squeezed her boob playfully. they both chuckled before he left a lingering kiss on her heat.
he stood up and removed the rest of his clothes before lining up with her entrance. he grabbed a hold of her hand, squeezing it in reassurance as he slowly pushed the head in.
she winced in pain, squeezing his hand and leaving behind small crescent marks from her nails. the burn of the stretch was so much pain for her, but slowly turned into pleasure as he stilled once fully inside.
she nodded to him as he wiped away her tears with his other hand. he moved slowly with a few strokes before leaning down to give her another kiss.
his pace got steady as he started to speed up, trying to help her keep her moans to a minimum. he repeatedly hit her soft spot, leaving her eyes to roll back; which was a sight for shirabu.
his high was approaching quickly, as he let out a low groan. he didn't want to finish first. he wanted her to finish so he could know he made her feel good. he quickened his pace, squeezing her hand a little more as he laid his forehead on hers — making direct eye contact.
"cum for me," he whispered. "c'mon princess."
she let out a few breathy moans before a whimper as she reached her high. he slowed down, riding her through it before pulling out and stroking himself a few times and finishing on her stomach.
-
she stood teary eyed, looking in the mirror of the girls bathroom. she shook violently, gripping the sink. she had just finished coughing up blood, one of the side effects.
three months my ass, she thought to herself. it hasn't even been barely two, i still have so much i wanna do.
she sighed, cleaning herself up before walking out to the boys gym. she wore shirabu's big purple and white jacket which she was ready to return.
she knew she couldn't come back to school after this, and will probably be in the hospital for a while. therefore she left notes in the boys lockers letting them know what was going & to not tell shirabu just yet.
she took and deep breath and put on a big warm smile as she opened the door separated her and the best friends she's ever had.
"kenji!" she exclaimed, quickly walking over to the brown eyed boy. "here, i wanted to g-"
"why?" he interrupted, stopping her from taking the jacket off fully.
"oh- well i thought.. you just wanted it back?" she lied. he looked at her confused before shaking his head slowly.
"you can keep it? i'll just get another one if needed. or steal it back."
"oh- okay." she smiled softly before looking at the other boys. they gave her a mix of sympathetic and sad smiles.
-
she wasn't at school, which stressed shirabu out. she wasn't there when he came to wait outside any of her classes. he was late to all of his, waiting 15-20 minutes for her.
after school, he skipped practice and went straight to her dorms. she wasn't there. this drew shirabu's worries up the wall as he basically ran to her house.
he knocked frantically on the door, waiting for her to answer only to be met with her teary eyed mother.
"oh kenjirou.." she sighed, explaining the best she could that her daughter was in the hospital.
he ran. he was out of breath when he made it to the hospital, asking a kind nurse what room she was in.
when he walked in, catching his breath, he threw his school bag down to walking over and sit in the chair.
"why the hell are you in this hospital?! why the fuck are you plugged up to so many damn machines?" he asked. he was tired of the secrecy. he wanted answers.
"i'm sick kenji, it should go a-"
"go away? y/n, how long have you known about this? you're supposed to be.." he took a deep breath to calm down. "you're supposed to be fucking dying."
"3 months." she whispered. "the bridge day."
"so you knew while we stood on top of that bridge, and you didn't tell me?" she shook her head no, feeling tears well up in her eyes. she never wanted to have this conversation.
"y/n. you can't keep things like that from me. just tell me this is some sick, twisted joke. we'll laugh it off, right?" he chuckled sadly at the end, watching his best friend of lord-knows how many years look weak and sickly in a hospital bed.
"i wish this was some sick & twisted joke kenji.." she sighed.
"who am i supposed to go to that stupid bridge with? who am i supposed to wait for after class? have picnics with and study dates with? who's going to check my attitude when i'm being smart? who am i gonna stargaze with?" he asked, looking at his feet and playing with his hands.
he didn't want to show any signs of weakness. he didn't want to cry. he didn't want his voice to shake. he knew if he did he'd be accepting defeat.
"you'll find someone. well, i don't know about the attitude part, but the other ones definitely." she laughed, lightening the mood. he rolled his eyes with a smile, shaking his head at her jokes. he'd miss that.
"but no ones you." he sighed. "i'm staying here tonight." he declared, taking off his shoes and stripping down to a shirt and pants as he got in the hospital bed with her.
"you have finals to study for kenji," she whined, playing with his hair as he laid facing her. he shrugged carelessly, wrapping his arm around her waist and bringing her closer. he kissed her forehead before striking up another conversation. they talked all night, no one wanting to go to sleep because they didn't know when she'd take her last breath.
-
the next morning, he woke up to her hand laying limply in his hair. his head laid on top of her chest, as he awoke to no heartbeat. his heart dropped, as he frantically moved his head around her chest trying to hear something — anything.
"she's dead," tendou whispered quietly. he looked around the room noticing all the boys. "she sent a concerning message to the groupchat, so we rushed her early this morning and she was gone." he explained.
shirabu sighed, sitting up and letting go of the girl. he put on his shoes, grabbing his other clothes and bag and opening the door.
"hey.." taichi started, his eyes never leaving the dead girl on the bed. "she um.. left you something. she said check her room, 2nd drawer."
shirabu nodded, walking out and passing her mother who was sobbing. he wanted to say 'sorry for your lost,' but he figured it was better to wait until later.
-
he found the notebook she'd always be writing in, sighing before opening it trying to gather all the strength he had left.
the book was filled to the very back. some were just drawn pictures, some were quotes, some were one word, some were lyrics, some were pictures of them, and some were journal entries.
he stopped at a journal entry called "redamancy."
redamancy; the act of loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full.
hi kenji! i'm sorry for being such a coward LOL. i would've told you while i was alive that i loved you, but then i'd have to deal with either
A. you not loving me back or
B. you loving me back and having to deal with the heartache of my death.
speaking of which, i'm so sorry for never telling you. i assumed i was just getting better but apparently not? then again, i am - was - a fucking coward. and i'm so sorry i got secretive around the end of my days, i know we usually tell each other everything but how was i supposed to tell you this?
'oh hey bestie i'm fucking dying but how was your day?'
also i left little notes for everyone on the volleyball team about it, but you get this entire notebook. i guess you can read something in it whenever you miss me, but don't miss me too much!
follow your dream of being a doctor. maybe then you can find a cure for this shit. save someone else. dont let anyone lose to this battle.
thank you so much for being you kenjirou. i love you, and always will. good luck in life, you'll do great things (if you ever get rid of that damn attitude)<3.
he sobbed, smiling at the notebook as he went through more pages of journal entries.
"i love you too, you idiot."