Our love didn't last. We put on a show for our classmates and all our friends. Were we ever real with each other? Even times when I'd be working on an assignment, you'd come over to me and take it away, telling me to take a break, giving me soft kisses before taking me downstairs to have dinner. Was that love? Kindness? Or did you only want to have sex with me? Since, that's what those nights led to sometimes.
It felt like you were like everybody else, just using me for your own gain. But when I'd see you cry and sob telling me you only wanted my heart, I would hate myself for doubting you. Or days you'd be stuck in bed and I worried you'd reach for my razor that I had to hide from you. Or my medications. You would worry me, speaking about how maybe we weren't made for each other.
I'd have to hold you and remind you how much I loved you. You'd sob into my chest saying how you aren't good enough for me. That I deserve someone better. That you're terrified you'll break my heart because you don't think you can last with me.
I remember walking into the bathroom and seeing you holding a razor I had never seen before, you were bringing it to your legs before I ran towards you and snatched it from your hands. You looked at me surprised as my eyes shook with fear.
"What are you doing?!" I yelled as I kept the blade away from you.
You reached for it while whining.
"I'm just shaving my legs! Give it!" You pouted.
I shook my head before sitting on the edge of the tub, taking your leg and beginning to shave it for you.
"I wasn't gonna do anything, Kookoo." Your soft voice spoke to me.
I wanted to believe you. Believe me I did. But my greatest fear was you hurting yourself. Was coming home to an empty bottle in your hand, or water contaminated with your blood, sheets soaked in the crimson color.
I couldn't believe you wouldn't hurt yourself when there were plenty of scars on your legs. All self inflicted. You scared me Park Jimin. You scared me because the only thought that would flicker through my mind when I left you home alone was; What if I come back and you're no longer with me? What if I don't get back home in time to bring you back to me?
I felt your eyes on me as I finished saving your second leg. I kissed a scar that was engraved into the skin of your knee. You giggled before reaching forward to hug me. I held you tightly, you were so delicate I thought I'd never get to see you again. I thought you'd disappear. Please, why did you leave me my angel?