author's note:
dedicated to the lovely BetaAllen, we talked about the complications of their relationship and let's just say there's a huge one coming along and sorry if this chapter breaks your heart and makes you beyond pissed off. But complicated relationships are sometimes the most real. How will you ever know how much you really love someone or how strong your feelings are towards that person if you're never away from them or have something to overcome? But believe me you beautiful people, Stavannah will have some of the best scenes, intense, funny, more flowly scenes in the next couple of chapters/book. Trust me, slow burn is better than all at once. It'll be worth the wait and complications, trust me.
anyways, enjoy and try not to hate me too much xxx
I still had my eyes closed as I clinged to Stiles, not wanting to let him go out of fear that he might slip through my finger tips. All I wanted to do was stay in his arms, never letting go. But eventually, somehow I got enough strength to pull myself away from him as he put me down and I backed up a little, just looking at him, taking all this in. I finally found the courage to speak up after what seemed like a thousand years.
"I dreamed..of this moment.." I bit my bottom lip as I looked up at him. "Thinking of the moment when I would get to see you again...it made those rough nights almost a bit better.."
stiles smiled at me, connecting our hands and moving a piece of hair out of my face, tucking it behind my ear. I closed my eyes as I leaned into his touch, resting my cheek against his hand. "I knew you would come back...now we can be together..." He brought my hand to his face, placing a gentle kiss on it before pulling me in for another kiss. But before he could touch my lips, I slowly pulled away. He looked at me confused before asking me what was wrong.
"Stiles.." I sighed to myself, knowing what had to be said. I wanted to be with him so bad but..I couldn't..at least not without telling him everything...what happened when I was away.. "I'm...i..there's something I need to tell you...." I felt my breath get caught in my throat as i felt like I was about to fall over the edge.
"what is it...?" He asked me confused.
"I want to be honest with you..." I started saying as I heard my voice crack. "I..if we're gonna..be anything then...you need to know..."
"You're scaring me...what's wrong.." Stiles looked at me, now a bit more scared as I felt tears form in my eyes as i was about to tell him something that could possibly break his heart.
"It was a couple of months ago, it was right after we broke up and I yelled at you to never see me again..it was while I was away..we weren't even together..." My voice cracked as Stiles just looked at me, heartbeat rising. "I was upset and...I had something to drink.. because I wanted the pain to go away...I just wanted to forget..we started talking and...and we..we.."
"Savannah, spit it out."
"I felt something..it felt nice, it felt safe, and it felt right..and im sorry, im so sorry..." I avoided eye contact with him as I heard his heartbeat sky rocketed.
"Savannah, just spit it out already." Stiles looked at me.
"We kissed..." I whispered the last part as I slowly looked up at him. He had the most hurt look on his face.
"Who's we...?" Stiles asked me, voice cracking a little bit.
"Stiles.." my voice cracked.
"who's we Savannah?" He repeated.
"It was a mistake, it didn't...I was...it didn't mean anything.." I tried explaining but Stiles kept interrupting me.
"Who's we Savannah?" Stiles looked at me, heartbeat sounding like it was ready to fall out of his chest. I let out a deep sigh, blinking away some of the tears that were in my eyes as I looked over at him.
"Isaac..." Once I said that, it was like I could hear Stiles heart breaking into a million pieces. "Me and Isaac..."
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It seemed like hours past and Stiles still hadn't said anything. I could hear his heartbeat, he wasn't happy. I couldn't tell what he was feeling, well besides shock and heartbreak. God, the silence was killing me.
"Stiles..." I whispered, trying to step closer to him but he took a step back. "Stiles, please say something..."
After another couple of seconds of silence, Stiles finally spoke up. "what do you want me to say...?" He finally looked up at me, tears in his eyes as I could tell that he let some tears fall when his back was faced towards me. "Want me to say, I forgive you? Want me to say 'oh no, that's okay Savannah. Sure you kissed Isaac, the guy that you knew I was insecure about to begin with and hate, but no it's okay.' Do you want me to just forget?!" By now he was screaming at me and he had every right. "Did you feel anything...? Did you regret it..?"
I felt a single tear escape my eyes as I let out a sharp breath. When I didn't say anything, that's when Stiles let out another dry laugh, kicking a nearby rock. "stiles, it was a mistake...it didn't mean anything.." I tried speaking up but he just looked at me with this look... it was heartbreaking.
"It was a mistake?" He laughed at me. "How can you say it was a mistake and you didn't feel anything when you literally told me that it 'I felt something..it felt nice, it felt safe, and it felt right..' How can you stand there trying to lie to me about not feeling something..I mean you're probably lying to yourself.. I mean, for fuck sakes, with Isaac?!" Stiles yelled at me. "What do you even see in him?!"
"Isaac is a nice guy. He's kind, funny, loyal.." I tried defending him, which was probably the wrong choice. "Isaac was there for me..."
"Is that why you slept with him?!" Stiles yelled at me. "Is that why you chose to complicate this.." Stiles said pointed between us. "Even more than it already is by bringing Isaac into the mix?!." At this point, I was done. I felt the anger building inside of me as I tried my best to keep calm.
"I didn't sleep with him!" I yelled back at Stiles just as loud, which caused him to stop talking out of fear as I hadn't noticed I brought out my red eyes. I took a breath before closing my eyes, waiting for them to return normal. "I kissed him, okay? There's no getting around it, it felt right and safe in the moment...He was there for me when i felt like I had no one.."
"You had me." Stiles fought.
"I didn't have you.." I shook my head. "I haven't had you since you found out about me.." I whipped away a tear with the end of my sleeve. "The moment you found out about me, I lost you...just like i know that I would continue to lose you when I kissed Isaac...I'm sorry but...you're right..I can't lie to you..With Isaac...it felt right and safe in the moment. He was there for me when I needed someone, he has been helping me get in control, and I could actually close my eyes and go to sleep without waking up screaming and gasping for air...All because of Isaac...But just because he's here, doesn't mean that I love you any less...I still love you Stiles, I'll always love you..."
"And just like that..." Stiles shook his head as he gave me a cold look. "You're breaking my heart all over again...making me question what was real and what wasn't.." He let out another dry laugh as he ran a hand through his hair, which he could do now to the length. "How do I know that anything between us was even real? what if you were just waiting for your chance to be with Isaac? Huh? I mean, it's perfect right? You're both werewolves, you don't have to worry about hurting each other. Why don't you just go be with him!"
"stiles...that's not fair.." I whispered.
"No, you know what's not fair..waiting and sitting here like an idiot...waiting for you to come back...when it turns out that you weren't even planning on coming back...that you had moved on to...Isaac of all people..I love you and I know you love me too... So why, why...I don't understand how you can keep doing this to me...building me up and kicking me down..I don't understand why you ke-" Stiles continued to raise his voice at me but that's when I interrupted him.
"You and I..we are complicated and messy..." I started saying as the tears built in my eyes. "But we are real. Everything between us, every laugh, every kiss, everything I feel for you... is real...No one can change that...I'd be lying if I said it was easier to push you away than keep you close..-"
"Doesn't lying come naturally to you by now though? How do I know if you're telling the truth when all you've done is lie straight to my face?" Stiles questioned me. "You're a werewolf, an Alpha. You've been one since before we met..Instead of telling me the truth, you thought it would be easier to break my heart and keep it from me."
I quickly shook my head. "Better, not easier." I corrected him. "I know what you would have done if I had told you..-"
"..-do you have such little faith in me that you didn't think you could tell me the truth and I wouldn't understand? Or do you just not trust me the way I trusted you?" Stiles asked.
"I have more faith and trust in you than I've ever had in anyone, ever. If I had told you the truth from the beginning, you would have told me it doesn't matter and how you would love me anyway. You would have done everything you could to try and help me and I didn't want you to have to do that..I didn't want to risk getting you killed or dragging you into my own darkness..You would have overlooked everything wrong and you would have sentenced yourself to a life of pain and worry, I didn't want you to have to worry about me. I didn't want you to constantly be worrying about me and trying everything in your power to help me find my parents killer, I wanted you to have a happy life and I didn't want to drag you down into my own personal darkness. I did things I had to do to survive, things I had to do to move my revenge plan along..Okay? I needed to finish this, I have to finish it. I know if I had told you the truth from the beginning, you would have tried to talk me out of it. You would have talked me out of finishing my revenge plot, and how you saw the best in my eyes and how I wasn't a killer. Well, i am. Stiles, I'm a werewolf and I don't deserve you. There's no denying it and-and I have a lot of enemies out there for things I did while I was drowning in the dark."
"I was going to tell you the truth after I finished getting my revenge, I really was, but I couldn't allow the possibility of you talking me out of it. I need to finish this, I have to..for my parents and myself. I dedicated my life to avenging them, even if it meant I didn't have a life. I sacrificed everything in my life to get the chance to look the person who destroyed my life in the eyes and ask them why. Why they killed my parents and why they did what they did..right before I rip their throat out for what they did." I felt tears in my eyes, clouding my vision.
"I'm not a good person, Stiles. But you are. You are so good, strong, kind, funny..You're everything I hope I can be someday..I didn't want you to have to know the real me, because I hate who i really am..I hate everything I've done and wish I could go back and change it but I can't..I was scared, scared of how you'd look and think about me after you heard the truth. I love you, I should have told you earlier but I was scared. I was scared of someone from my past, coming to hurt you because you know something..I thought the best way to protect you until I was finished would be not to tell you. I thought it would be safe..Loving you clouded my judgement, I thought I was doing what was best by not telling you the truth because the last person i told the truth to..ended up dying in my arms. I was not going to let that happen to you too, I swore that I'd protect you at all costs, no matter how. I was wrong and I'm so sorry..Stiles, I am so sorry.."
I quickly took a deep breath, feeling my chest caving in. "I love you, Stiles. I have always loved you and I always will..And I am so sorry that I ruined everything between us.."
I could hear the little rise in his heartbeat with every word I spoke. "Then stop trying to keep us apart..Let's just forget everything, forget the lies and fights, we'll forget about Isaac and start over.." When he said that...I couldn't help but shake my head and laugh dryly to myself. I knew what he was doing. I could hear his heartbeat and immediately knew what he was doing. Stiles was worried about loosing me to Isaac so he was willing to lie to me, saying he would forget everything so we can start over. But he forgets i can hear when he's lying. I know that he'll never forgive or forget. He was being stupid and reckless just because of some stupid jealousy issue. I wanted to be with Stiles so bad but...
not like this.
"stiles, there is no starting over...there's no forgetting..there's only moving forward.." I let out a breath of cold air while staring back at him. "I still can't control my anger or my shift...I'm dangerous and if i were to hurt you..." I stopped mid sentence, not being able to finish the sentence, let alone imagine it. "I don't know what i would do.."
Stiles placed his hands on my shoulders, giving me this look. "I know you would never hurt me.."
Now it was my turn to let out a dry laugh. "Don't you remember what I did when I was under Gerard's control..?" I shook my head at him, he was so blinded by this image of us running off into the sunset that he was willing to forget all the bad. Normally that's a good thing, but it's not healthy. Stiles was so desperate to be happy that he was willing to forget all the bad. But we need to remember the bad in order to move on. "I hurt you, I know I did..And it's sweet and heroic of you to want to forgive all the bad things I've done and everything i've done that hurt you but...you just can't....just like I still remember how you hurt me.."
By the look on his face, I knew he knew what I was talking about. "I already said I didn't mean those things..." stiles whispered to me as he looked to the ground. "It was a stupid mistake..."
"was it..?" I looked over at him. "Because when you told me...that you hated me and that I was a monster..no better than Peter, Matt, or Gerard...your heartbeat was steady...you weren't lying...you were telling the truth.."
"It was a mistake...i was hurt and angry.." Stiles eyes were now watery.
"Those words you spoke to me...they still haunt my every nightmare.." I looked at Stiles, feeling like I was going to drop dead at any moment. "I remember every word you told me..I can't stop thinking about it..it hurts...You have no idea what I went through..."
This is turning out to be a horrible situation.
This was suppose to be our little reunion but instead it was turning into something completely different. I already knew that we could never get back to the way we were. Once someone hurts you, it stays with you forever. It stays as a constant reminder of how much that person can hurt you. Stiles and me... We'll never be able to really forget or forgive how we've hurt each other. I hurt him so bad that he should want me gone forever.. But no, he still wants me because he's scared of loosing me to someone like Isaac. It was stupid, it was like he didn't want to be with me out of love but rather out of jealousy.
"and I know you will never be able to forgive me. So don't try lying because we've both done things that can't be forgotten or forgiven." I said as Stiles played with his thumbs. "You wanting to still be with me right now isn't completely about love, it's about this weird obsession hatred you have for Isaac.." Once i said that, Stiles looked at me a little shocked but no sudden rise in his heartbeat indicated that my theory was right. "Maybe...maybe it is best if we stay apart...you deserve someone who can harness the light that's still inside of you...me?...I can't do that...not now...maybe not ever..."