~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joey: Goodnight moon.
Joey: Goodnight tree.
Joey: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arthur: What do you think Sarah will do for a distraction?
Marvin: She’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.
*Building explodes and several car alarms go off*
Marvin: ... or she could do that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Manny: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat?
MatPat: >:O language
Roi: Yeah watch your fucking language
Safyia: OKAY WHO TAUGHT ROI THE FUCK WORD?
JC: 'The fuck word'.
Ro: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time
Roi: Oh my god they censored it
JC: Say fuck, Ro.
Roi: Do it, Ro. Say fuck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tim: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?
Eva: You’re a hazard to society
LeLe: And a coward. DO TWENTY.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tyler: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back.
Liza: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DeStorm: Sorceress, my old arch enemy.
Alex: ... I thought I was your arch enemy?
DeStorm: I have a life outside of you, Alex.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colleen, struggling to keep upright in her 1 inch heels: Yeah, I-I don’t really think heels are for me
Nikita, pointing at them and walking flawlessly in sparkly golden 6 inch heels: WEAK.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justine: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Ro: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Justine: Absolutely not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joey: I prevented a murder today.
Eva: Really? How’d you do that?
Joey: self control.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tim: Justine isn’t answering her phone
Ro: I’ll call
Tim: Tana and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-
Justine: Hello?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shapeshifter: *transforms to look like Gabbie*
Gabbie: Okay, are you like BLIND? You look nothing like me. First off, I'm way taller. Secondly, I DO NOT look so sleep deprived and lastly, if you could drag comb through that hair you're like a 7 on a good day and I've been told I'm a constant 10.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Matt, tending to Tim's wounds: How would you rate your pain?
Tim: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justine: How's the sexiest person here~?
Ro: I don't know, how are they~?
Justine, flustered: I-
DeStorm, from across the room: I'm doing great, thanks!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Store Worker: Would a Ms. Eva Gutowski please come to the front desk?
Eva, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: points to Oli and LeLe
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Oli and LeLe, simultaneously: We got lost :(
Eva: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tana: We need a distraction.
Gabbie: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?
Liza, whispering: My time has come
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Safyia, standing with their back turned: I’ve been expecting you, JC.
JC: How did you do that without turning around?
Safyia: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Shane: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.
Justine: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Tim: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Justine, learn to listen.
Andrea: What if it bites itself and I die?
LeLe: That’s voodoo.
Sierra: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Justine: That’s correlation, not causation.
Andrea: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
LeLe: That’s kinky.
Shane: Oh my God.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LeLe: Come on, I wasn’t that drunk last night.
Matt: You were flirting with Eva.
LeLe: So what? She's my partner.
Matt: You asked them if she was single.
LeLe:
Matt: And then you cried when she said she wasn't.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The squad is trying to con Garuda
Ro: Um, Joey, why are you pretending I'm this guy's family?
Joey: We need money!
Ro: You're scamming him?
Joey: I was thinking more like flat-out stealing from him?
Ro: What?! No way!
Joey: Why not? We already stole Bretman!
Bretman: Hey guys!
Ro: No, we didn't. Bretman can think and talk for him, he can do whatever he wants!
Bretman: I wanna steal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ro: You have to apologize to MatPat
Nikita: Fine.
Nikita: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tana: If you can’t beat them, dress better than them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Joey: Don't worry, I got a plan.
Glozell: Alright.
Joey: TraitorSayWhat?
Sierra: Excuse me?
Joey: What?
Glozell:
Joey:
Joey: No wait-
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eva: Where's LeLe, Tim, and Matt?
Oli: They're playing hide and seek.
Eva: Where?
Oli: I don't think you get how this game works.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Roi: Bad things keep happening to me, like I have bad luck or something.
Teala: Roi, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sierra: So LeLe just asked you out and you said “sure”???
Eva: Yeah, pretty much.
Sierra: And they didn’t give you a present? Or- or money???
Eva: No…
Sierra, lost in thought: I just don’t understand…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justine: You handcuffed Bretman to Alex?!
DeStorm: He put a dead fish in my locker!
Bretman: Alex’s way worse than a dead fish!
Alex, still handcuffed to Bretman: [incredulous] My mom thinks I’m awesome...
Later...
Alex: screams and runs out after Bretman gets the key and releases them from the handcuffs
Justine, turning to DeStorm in disapproval: Like Alex’s therapist didn’t have enough to deal with!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Benjamin: …Sir, I’m afraid you’ve gone mad with power.
Carnival: Of course I have! Have you tried going mad without power? It’s boring, nobody listens to you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LeLe, doing magic: I will now attempt to saw this person in half.
Matt: Neat!
Oli: LeLe, you’ve done this trick before, right?
LeLe: There’s a trick?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Colleen: Come on, you love this show!
Joey: Yeah, but I always skip the Christmas episodes.
Colleen: Because the themes of family and togetherness are a chilling reminder of your own isolation?
Joey: No, but thank you for that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Manny: [chuckles] I keep laughing but inside my soul is dying. My entire personality is fading away, like water slipping through my fingers. I’m an empty carcass, a comic imitation of what I once was. An unholy caricature of the worst I can be.
Nikita: Is it exam week?
Manny: I got 18 exams in the next 12 days.
Nikita: I’m so sorry. Good monologue, though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~